Insisting in-laws

Sara - posted on 03/21/2013 ( 21 moms have responded )

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I'm having a problem with my in-laws. I'm not too fond of them (I have my good reasons) and prefer not to see them too often, once in three weeks/a month is enough, I'd say. On the contrary, they would like us to come over more often and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law (who's 40) start texting me and make me feel guilty . In my opinion, as long as I'm kind and respectful to them, they've nothing to complain about and they can't force me to be their great friends and closer to them, if I don't feel like it. After all it is my husband I married, not them.
I'm now pregnant and wonder what it will be like once the baby arrives....

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Imbeautifuldawn - posted on 03/22/2013

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You MUST creat and maintain solid boundaries NOW -before baby arrives. they will be stubborn and ornery, but you must not back down. eventually they will either respect your boundaries or back away from time with you -either way you get some relief. If they are texting you (to try and guilt you) this is INTENTIONAL and a form of bullying to attempt and control you. you need to text back, "I am sorry you wish more time with us, but we are newlyweds and need our space and time together too. I appreciate you wanting more time with us, but we cant at this time." If they persist, then text back their exact message until they stop.
They will hate it. they will talk bad about you to anyone who will listen. they will make snide remarks. they will yap at your husband about you. get on the same page with him and back each other up. you are going to need to be each other's best ally. eventually things will get better.
I put up with my in-law's lack of boundaries for 10 years. they wanted to have dinner with us EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Yehah. not kidding. and for awhile they got their way. i felt like a cook and maid. But i finally asked my husband if he would be OK with me taking the stand. i did. and things have been so much better!
Hand in there. if you stick to your guns in a manner kind and respectful, things will get better!

Brenda - posted on 03/24/2013

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Being married for 29 years and my in laws AND my parents living within 15 minutes of us, issues have come up that I have had to deal with. First, when you marry someone, you marry his/her entire family, especially his parents. Hence "in law". His mom and dad are now your parents "in law" Just the same as having an adopted child, it is "in law". You and your husband become one in Gods eyes. My mother in law raised a son that totally relied on her for everything. She would show up unannounced to our home and if anything (laundry,dishes, etc) was not done, she immediately would start doing that chore. I resented this. It was my house!! But she knew her son was not raised to help in the house. He was raised to work!! As far as our three children, I was not raised with my grandlparents near and wanted my children to have full access to theirs. And they did. Both sets of grandparents!! I may not agreed with everything my mother in law did, but flip it to my husband...he had a mother in law too. We put boundries that were not far fetched (foods, routines, activities) when grandparents had our children. Babysitters are not cheap and whenever we needed, grandparents were more than happy. I do have a good relationship with my mom in law and siblings in law as does my husband with my side of the family. It is better to become good friends with his family than not. I have my opinions on issues, govn't, religion, childrearing, but I am not always right on some but neither are they. We agree to disagree. DO NOT DENY your child to love their grandparents. Again, flip it over to what if your husband had the feelings about YOUR family as you do his. This spills over into your children and you want to raise children who love and respect family. Work out your issues with them. As far as texting, ask them to call you and TALK to you. When there was no texting, communication was so much better. Saying I'm Sorry, Yes, we will keep the grandchild,etc, sounds much better than seeing it texted because you hear if it is sincere!! Believe me, if you want peace in the family, it will have to start with you and your in laws need to see you and your husband are a team. Having him go visit by himself sets up an opening for his family to ask questions you need to hear and answer, not him, when it concerns you. You and he need to sit down and discuss why you are not fond of them. And again, you are married to them, too!! You just don't have to sleep with them!!! I am now the mother in law to two beautiful Christian young women and am expecting our first grand son in May. I have already told my son and DIL, we will call, but being 4 hours away, expect us at least once a month to see our grandchild. They both expect us to keep up our end of this. One day you will be the mother in law and just remember your feelings toward yours. I pray I get along with my two daughters in law as well as I do with my mother in law. I love my mother in law dearly and she raised a wonderful boy into my wonderful husband!! I pray you resolve the ill feelings toward your mother in law and enjoy her as a friend and the grandmother of your child.

Devorah - posted on 03/22/2013

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Since you said in your response, " they would like us to come over more often", it sounds like you are going to their house? Once the baby comes, it is much harder to go out. So if you can stand firm and say, " the baby naps around 2, so why don't you come over for lunch around 12 for a visit. " Then you can tell them you nap when the baby naps so you pretty much set the time and length of the visit. Don't let them guilt you into giving in, and if they do, just block their number from your phone! Although, once you have the baby, you may actually want them to come and visit so you can take a shower!

Elsa - posted on 03/25/2013

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You married your husband and his family too. This is especially true when grandkids come into the picture. lol. good luck..
They miss their son/brother. So now that he's married, they are including you. wouldn't it be worse if they didn't like you and only invited him over or to events? There's an idea! when they invite you both over, you don't have to go. make up an excuse....like you don't feel well. It's believable, you are pregnant.

Jessica - posted on 03/24/2013

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You are in control. This is your baby. Your in-laws need to know their boundaries. Just say no and you are not obligated to give a reason either

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Deb - posted on 03/25/2013

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Boundaries - I will tell you you what it will come back and bite you on the bum!! Remember you too one day will be a Mother-in-law. So what you dish out will come back around. You should be happy that your husbands parents want to be involved in your childrens lives. Did you have grandparent when you were growing up? You may not like your mil but remember it is called respect. This is your husband (the man you are so in love with) mother. I am a mother-in-law. One Daugher-in-Law LOVES me fully and the other one is very mean and rude to me. I do not give my 2 cents unless I am asked. I let my son's go and be their own man. But one dil is just horrible and very disrespectful. I asked the dil that loves me what am I doing wrong? tell me so I can fix it and she said it is not you. So I finally had to say you know what I will not longer put up with the rude behavior. Now at least she is somewhat pleasant. But now my son is not the same he is very passive to her and he really doesnt have much to do with his entire family, parents, grandmother, aunts, cousins. He once to my husband I am so embrassed of my wives behavior I don't know what to do, it's just easier to just stay away to keep her happy.

Besan - posted on 03/23/2013

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same situation I have with my sister in-law, she wants me to keep visiting her and calling her and she does not bother to come to my house or call, it is just me who have to show what I call "Ritual of obedience and loyalty!!", and it is very hard to set boundaries since in my culture it is SO rude to say NO for your in-laws ,and my husband gets really upset that his sister and I are not friends, well that is not going to happen for soooo many reasons, but I insisted on where I sand on this and everyone eventually stopped expecting me to do things I do not feel like doing, i go to visit her with my husband once or twice a month and the rest of visits my husband goes alone to see his sister and check on her and her boys, recently i had a baby so she tried to get involved , I kinda let her feel that i am OK with all the comments she keeps giving me and I do completely the opposite in front of her :)..though our relationship I always want her to have good relation with my son, after all she is his aunt and there is nothing I can do about it, you can be nice , respectful and at the same time ignore what they say to you and do what you want to do

Jeanrajkumarlalla - posted on 03/23/2013

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They would be excited having a baby in the family.We all like our space however once you married a man his family automatically becomes yours. When you have time you then can response to their text. There is no need to feel guilty.Your priority is first to you and your baby then your husband then any one else.Set boundaries to visit from your husband family.

Jenny - posted on 03/23/2013

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Been there done that! Till I lost my husband with a heart attack, after 2children and 3 grandchildren, 36 years of blessed marriage. He passed 4 days before Christmas. Then my in-laws begain to pass. I now have a lot relief.

Diane - posted on 03/23/2013

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You don't say that your husband has taken the bull by the horns and dealt with it. They are his parents, and you are his wife, which trumps their relationship with him. It's his job to set boundaries, to tell them when and for how long they can visit. If you continue to let them have the ball in their court, it will be astonishingly out of your control once the baby arrives. How about if your husband tells them, "You can come X day on this weekend this month? Leave yourself a little wiggle room after the baby comes, because you may be exhausted and they may be very helpful as far as doing errands and chores for you. But it needs to be something that comes from you and your husband, like, " I'm taking the baby for his/her first doctor appt. I'd love it if you could come, but I'm too exhausted to get the laundry done and the baby bathed as well. Could you help me on that day, next week?

Andrea - posted on 03/22/2013

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I had the almost the same issue with my mother in law, when my husband and I first got married..Both of us had been divorced, myself once, and him three times.. My mother in law has stated that she is very proud to be the reason that his other marriages failed.. He had no children up to that point, where as I already had 5. When he informed his mother that I was pregnant with his child, she told him that she was happy for him, but to me and everyone else she would say that the child couldn't be his has he could not have children, when it was pointed out that his last wife was pregnant with his baby but lost it, she still to this day swears it wasn't his... I told her with him there that if she didn't knock it off she would not be allowed around the child, as I refused to have her hurtful remarks hurt my child..she got upset when her son, agreed with me. She kept at it though, and when we found out we were having a daughter, she stated it could not be her son's child as his father's side could not have little girls, ( he has not seen or heard from his fathers side of the family since he was 18 months old he at this time was 40) we now have 2 little girls together who look like twins 2 years apart...who my mother in law helps watch when I'm at work.. she loves all the grandchildren as her own. My point in all this is, talk to your husband, let him know this bothers you then the two of you need to stand up them. They will back off if they see both you and your husband are in agreement together over this. Don't make it a them or me issue..

Shannon - posted on 03/22/2013

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I have to agree with little miss can't be wrong.. What is it about your in laws that you don't like? Be glad they want to be in your life and not treating you like you are lower than dirt. I have in laws that are very nice sometimes I don't want to be around them but at least they want to help with watching the babies and they treat me nice. It is nice to be around people would want to be a family and not some oh it's you again.

Sara - posted on 03/22/2013

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Dear ladies!
thank you so much for your comments, it makes me feel good to see that I'm not the only one dealing with in difficult in-laws!

Naima - posted on 03/21/2013

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I had serious issues with my inlaws as well and I finally decided to stand up for myself and set boundaries. They will respect you for it and if not, there isn't much of a downside. I agree that you don't want to make your husband choose but you need him firmly on your side. Setting boundaries can be as simple as saying it hurts your feelings when they say "fill I the blank." You can also just tell them when you are or are not going to hang out with them. Set boundaries before the baby arrives or it will be so much worse. Best of luck!

Aparna - posted on 03/21/2013

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First talk to your husband about how u feel. Make sure u both r on the same page. Then if he can't put an end to it tell him you will. And DO NOT take crap about ur family! Next time they say anything about ur family just say I am
So sorry but I don't think you should comment on my family. It doesn't look nice coming from. Wonderful person like you. Trust me they will shut up. I have taken enough shut from my laws and I am so done. Well ours is an I Dian story where we HAvE to treat them as god ! But go
For it.

Chelsea - posted on 03/21/2013

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You poor thing. I have a similar situation with my inlaws.... Unfortunately with the adding of a child it makes things worse... Soon you'll be hearing every opinion of theirs on raising a child and what your doing wrong.
Be firm though. This is your life and your time to be a mother. Try getting your partner to lay down the law with them.
I did and its now been three months since I had to bare the inlaws presence! Yay!

Sara - posted on 03/21/2013

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Thank you for your answer! They always make mean comments about my family, especially my mother-in-law about my mom (from what I understand she's jealous, cause my mother could study and had a good career, she barely finished junior high school) this in my presence and it is really difficult to take it. They didn't respect many desires of mine when it came to wedding planning last year (we've been married since july, 21) and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, told me I wouldn't be able to give her son a child, since I'm already 36....Moreover I often hear them talking behind my back, thought it was just a wrong feeling in the beginning but, once, twice, three times....and more, I then realized they do that for real. Thanks again!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/21/2013

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I have to ask....what are the good reasons you have to not like them? They just may be trying to build a relationship with you. That will be nice to have family around when the baby comes. I would recommend not making your husband choose (not that you said you were) just I know what it can be like to get between family. It is very difficult. Especially when a spouse feels they need to choose between the people that he was raised with, and the spouse.

Jenn - posted on 03/21/2013

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You don't have to please anyone but yourself and your hubby. If you give your in laws what that want now, it will be a lot worse once the baby comes. Keep them at bay and they will hopefully know their place in the future as well. Good luck!

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