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Rebecca - posted on 11/20/2014 ( 8 moms have responded )

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my 14 years old just got caught by her school guidance counselor sending pictures, half naked, with curses attached out to as many as 50 of her peers. we took her phone and reduced it to just calling out, no texts, and no incoming calls. She also had been given the privilege of not sleeping in the same (very large room) as her two older sisters. When we saw these pics came from her own room then we put her back with her sisters. the guidance counselor wants us to give something back, but i am terrified. what would you give back?

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Dove - posted on 11/21/2014

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If she's lying and sneaking around and buying devices (and putting up these pictures) behind your back... no way. My child would be supervised 24/7... no matter what it took to make that happen. Only when she started exhibiting maturity and making good choices while supervised would I start to let her earn back any of her privileges. I would let her know that it only takes ONE act to break my trust... and if I can't trust her then she can't have any privileges that require trust because my number one job as her mother is to keep her safe... and her behavior could have very dangerous and even deadly consequences. I would gradually give her opportunities to earn back my trust as well though.

Wanda - posted on 11/23/2014

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Is this girl helpful at home? Perhaps it's time to keep her busy. Earn time with friends. Start by only having them over if she wants to see them instead of her going out. Leave the bedroom door open when having friends..ya it might suck to her, but let her know she mus earn trust back.
And TALK to her. No yelling. Just should her your honest feelings. Show your disappointment and show your gratitude towards her. Often kids think we are just robots. Feelings go a long way. And it shows respect!
Was this the first bad decision she has made?

Sarah - posted on 11/21/2014

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I don't think the guidance counselor should have any say in the way you discipline your child in your home. Whatever consequences the school handed down, it up to the school to manage. There should have been some consequence from the school since she involved other students.
She blew it in the trust department so don't be quick to return privileges. The longer she has you poking into her business and monitoring her behavior the more likely she is to realize the ramifications of her actions. These pictures could definitely prevent her from getting into college, awarded scholarships and even jobs. What if she marries a future politician? This is why my kids did not have smartphones until they turned 17 for my son and 16 for my daughter. I go through the statement and monitor who they call and text. My kids know that I do this and that it is not to invade their privacy but to help prevent them from making a dangerous mistake. My 10 and 13yo share a basic tracfone, that only calls. They use it when they go to sports practices or to a friends house and that is it.
I suggest you find an internet safety class. Call your local police department or ask the school. The detectives that taught the one I took explained all of the current social media forums, how to access them and how to make sure your child is protecting herself.
I agree that no 14 yo wants her mom hanging about when she is with her friends but that the price you pay for posting such inappropriate content. She'll earn your trust back eventually.

Sarah - posted on 11/20/2014

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I would not give anything back. What she did was a major offence which requires major consequences. I would (if you have not already done so) talk to her about why she did what she did and why she thought that was ok. Then explaining the seriousness of what she did. If you have not deleted the instagram account I would make sure it is set to only private as if it is set to public then anyone out there can see the pictures. The sad thing is that once those pictures are out in internet space they are always there somewhere. That would be another point to talk about with her letting her know the life long consequences of that action and how that can affect college acceptance (colleges do check and some will deny people entrance) and also job acceptance as jobs do often check and that does make a big difference on who they hire. That is also why I don't believe anything should be given back at this time. For a 14 yr old to realize the life long consequences when they live in the here and now world and don't believe those warnings pertain to them it is important that the here and now freedoms are reduced.

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Rebecca - posted on 11/24/2014

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Yes she is helpful at home, and yes her father and i both agree with you we are now planning Sat night activities and Sunday outings. we sill try hard to occupy her. as for friends, well....... I am totally hesitant to have any or send her away yet to their homes, we don't yell in the home. I find the lower i speak the better they hear that i am serious. Yelling just amps the sound not the meaning,

Sarah - posted on 11/21/2014

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That is a hard one. She has lost your trust, so that has consequences, but at the same time no 14 yr old wants mom hanging around with their friends. I think you could do it two different ways.

1. you could not allow her to be with her friend unless there is an adult there (or you or your husband....depending on what you feel comfortable with). Then as she does things to earn your trust back you loosen those restrictions.

2. Instead of having an adult present you check through her bag, clothes, etc. when she returns from being out with friends. You also check up on her when she goes out with friends....making sure she is where she said she was going and she is with who she said she was going to be with. I would check at different times as she could go to that place she said first, but then leave from there. As she earns your trust back you then step back some.....but I would always continue to check in.....you want to keep her accountable, so as she earns that trust back it is not so much about checking in because you don't trust her it is checking in to keep her accountable.

Rebecca - posted on 11/21/2014

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Thank you. I am not instagram savvy i am afraid so this information was totally helpful!. we also found a device she bought behind our backs and another phone. I used to let her go with several friends alone, but now i am totally hesitant. what do you think should i let her go still unsupervised?

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