Introduction.

Margaret - posted on 03/13/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

4

0

1

Hi,

I'm a mom from Ontario, Canada with a 14 yr old boy and an adult daughter living at home. My husband and I are having lots of issues with our son. Not sure if they are "normal" teenage issues or if there is other stuff going on. Hoping to get some insight here.

Margaret.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Raye - posted on 03/13/2015

3,761

0

21

Margaret,
Most of the issues you describe seem pretty normal. My step-son will ask his dad something like if we're going to the movies, and dad will say no. Like an hour later, son will ask "when are we leaving", dad says "leaving for where", son says "movies", dad says "we're not going to a movie", son says "but you promised", dad says "I did not promise, I said no, didn't you hear", son has complete meltdown. My step-daughter is the same way.

As far as the laziness, do you ever take away privileges or have some other punishment for not getting his chores done? Kids are messy. My kids get home and within 5 minutes the whole house looks like something exploded... book bag on the dining room table, coat on the couch, shoes and socks in the bathroom, toys all pulled out. My husband will tell them 10 times to clean up and finally when he gets mad they turn on the water works (tears) and he backs down and only makes them do part of it. Without any consequences, they have no reason to do what they're told.

My kids also have no concept of belonging. They take each other's stuff without asking and fight over it. They don't share things that were given to both of them. They eat my food that I have moved into a different cabinet across the kitchen from where their snacks are. They took my good hair-cutting scissors and I still haven't found them.

So, the only thing I see that really is a worry-some issue is the hitting and anger. Sounds like your son needs to understand that his actions have consequences and that he needs to accept responsibility for them. He also needs to control the urge to strike out. He can hit a pillow or something that's not going to cause damage to person or property.

You should work with him on setting clear boundaries on what he is allowed to do/take/use and what chores he is responsible for and then establish punishments for when he doesn't do what he's supposed to or does things he's not supposed to. Make it more black and white for him, if he doesn't understand the gray areas. If he's smart, he should catch on to the cause and effect and begin behaving better to avoid the consequences.

Raye - posted on 03/13/2015

3,761

0

21

Please post details of the problems you are having so we can offer advice.

4 Comments

View replies by

Margaret - posted on 03/13/2015

4

0

1

3

0

1

Thank you, Raye... Gosh, where do I start.

First of all, my son is a smart, talented young man with a ton of potential who can be very loving and caring when the mood strikes him. And then there is the other side of him:
1. Extreme laziness. Nothing gets done unless we ask, and ask, and nag, and then nag some more. Or give him an ultimatum. But when he wants something, it has to be instantaneous! Dishes never get put in the dishwasher, clothes are dropped wherever he took them off, things like that.

2. He has this strange sense of only black or white. It's either this way or that, no in-between. And then he makes certain assumptions, things he'd like to happen and thinks they will. This could be stuff like going on trips, buying games etc. If they don't happen, he has these incredible angry meltdowns when he often damages things in the house.

3. Something that is less distressing than the anger issues but just as frustrating: he doesn't seem to have the sense of things belonging to other people. At home when he needs something (a tool, scissors, a paint brush, anything), he just takes it without asking and then, just like with clothes, drops it as soon as he doesn't need it. Never puts it back. So we have dishes in the backyard, probably a few sets of utensils in the garden (can't wait for the snow to melt to see what collection we have there), tools all over the house and yard (that my husband can't find when he needs to fix something), you name it.

4. Everything seems to be someone else's fault. If he gets pissed off and punches a hole in the wall, the fault lies with the person who pissed him off in the first place.

We had him later in life (my husband is 65 and I'll be 50 this Summer). he is retired and I'm still working and I find that the work and the stress are really starting to wear on me. it seems every day is a struggle and a fight.

He has been diagnosed with ADHD when he was a child but he refuses to acknowledge the diagnosis and will not take any medication. I'm not pro medication myself, but it would be interesting to see if it would make a difference. I also believe he may have some issues with anxiety but he again bluntly denies it. He has been evaluated by a psychologist a few weeks ago but she says based on his answers he cannot be diagnosed with anxiety. The problem is I KNOW he is smart enough to figure out the tests to know how to answer so he doesn't appear to be suffering from anxiety. Yeah, some days he is too smart for his own good LOL.

Margaret - posted on 03/13/2015

4

0

1

Thank you, Raye... Gosh, where do I start.

First of all, my son is a smart, talented young man with a ton of potential who can be very loving and caring when the mood strikes him. And then there is the other side of him:
1. Extreme laziness. Nothing gets done unless we ask, and ask, and nag, and then nag some more. Or give him an ultimatum. But when he wants something, it has to be instantaneous! Dishes never get put in the dishwasher, clothes are dropped wherever he took them off, things like that.

2. He has this strange sense of only black or white. It's either this way or that, no in-between. And then he makes certain assumptions, things he'd like to happen and thinks they will. This could be stuff like going on trips, buying games etc. If they don't happen, he has these incredible angry meltdowns when he often damages things in the house.

3. Something that is less distressing than the anger issues but just as frustrating: he doesn't seem to have the sense of things belonging to other people. At home when he needs something (a tool, scissors, a paint brush, anything), he just takes it without asking and then, just like with clothes, drops it as soon as he doesn't need it. Never puts it back. So we have dishes in the backyard, probably a few sets of utensils in the garden (can't wait for the snow to melt to see what collection we have there), tools all over the house and yard (that my husband can't find when he needs to fix something), you name it.

4. Everything seems to be someone else's fault. If he gets pissed off and punches a hole in the wall, the fault lies with the person who pissed him off in the first place.

We had him later in life (my husband is 65 and I'll be 50 this Summer). he is retired and I'm still working and I find that the work and the stress are really starting to wear on me. it seems every day is a struggle and a fight.

He has been diagnosed with ADHD when he was a child but he refuses to acknowledge the diagnosis and will not take any medication. I'm not pro medication myself, but it would be interesting to see if it would make a difference. I also believe he may have some issues with anxiety but he again bluntly denies it. He has been evaluated by a psychologist a few weeks ago but she says based on his answers he cannot be diagnosed with anxiety. The problem is I KNOW he is smart enough to figure out the tests to know how to answer so he doesn't appear to be suffering from anxiety. Yeah, some days he is too smart for his own good LOL.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms