Invasion of privacy: yes or no?

Blanca - posted on 06/14/2014 ( 18 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend's son came to stay with us for a few weeks. The first day here, I noticed he had gone into out bedroom without permission. I asked my boyfriend to tell him not to come into the room. My boyfriend reacted by saying he was not going to tell his son not to go into the bedroom. Am I asking for too much by wanting my bedroom to be private? I think children should know to respect someone else's space. He thinks his son should be able to come in freely and not feel uncomfortable to do so.

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Blanca - posted on 06/18/2014

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I knew from the very beginning that he had a son. And since the beginning, I had been very understanding of the fact that his son was always going to be his priority. I did try to establish a relationship with his son, the best way that I knew how: we played video games online together, I'd make sure to send him Christmas & bday gifts. I was always nice to him. The thing is to find the balance between being respected as an adult/parent and being seen as his dad's "awesome" girlfriend who is like a friend to him. I believe that's where his dad should've explained to him that this was my house too and I have rules. To answer your question, if I had a child of my own, I would not let them in my room. I believe kids need to learn about respecting other people and their personal space. That's the way I was brought up.

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Leela - posted on 06/19/2014

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I really think this wouldn't have been such a big issue if you felt more respected by your partner. He has to help u build that relationship with the child and help him learn for to treat ie respect you. I have to point out though that you all left two young children home alone by themselves and that isn't safe. Also, you live in a 1 bedroom apartment and as I presume the kids weren't allowed to go outside there's a real possibility that they were incredibly bored. It's harsh to expect them to just wait in the living room until you both come home from work. I agree about respecting personal space but you have to give kids space too.

Jana - posted on 06/18/2014

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I am baffled by this. I don't understand what the big deal is here. If this was your own child would you demand that they stay out of your room. I would hope not. The more you demand that a child not do something the more they are going to want to do it. If you had acted like it was no big deal he probably would have never went in there the second time. It sounds to me like you are jealous of the relationship between him and his son. If you are with someone with a child you have to accept the child along with the man. As a father of course he should put his son before you. How could you ever plan a life with someone who would put anything before there children especially a woman. It is probably better that the relationship ended because you would have never been able to have any kind of relationship with the boy which is sad. You could have been a wonderful new part of his life.

Leela - posted on 06/18/2014

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At the risk of being severely criticized, I think you did the right thing by walking away. Your response was completely overblown and you have very obvious resentment to that child. That comes from a great extent from how badly you believe his father treated you. However you accepted it. And neither of your actions is the child's fault. The father obviously loves this child and the only way this relationship would have worked is if you were prepared to develop a true relationship with the child. Perhaps this in turn would have affected how the father treated you in the relationship.

Dianna - posted on 06/17/2014

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You are welcome Blanca! You will be fine, having enough self respect to realize that you deserve better is awesome. And you can't find that better man as long as the wrong man is taking up your time. Chin up, be proud of yourself. ...and the right man will be more than proud to show you off, ...not ask you to take. ..The back seat, ...so to speak.

Blanca - posted on 06/17/2014

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Thank you, Dianna! I have been a mess wondering if I had in fact gone too far. My heart hurts but my head keeps telling me it's the best thing for everyone.

Dianna - posted on 06/17/2014

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I wouldn't have stayed with a man that treated me that way either! Good call!

Blanca - posted on 06/17/2014

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Alright, so this is the entire story.There were two boys staying with us: his 11 yr old son and his 13 yr old nephew. We live in a one bedroom apartment and the single bathroom connects to the bedroom (so there are two entries into the bedroom). The boys stayed home alone during the day. First time I came home for lunch to check on them, the bathroom door to bedroom was open. No big deal. Second time I get home from work, actual bedroom door is open. I asked why they had gone in, son said he had to get his suitcase (which was a lie because we left his suitcase in the living room). Third time, they were looking for the tv remote that they lost and his son just walked right into the room, got our tv remote to pass it off as the lost one. In reality, there is nothing to hide except for a bed that was undone and a couple of suitcases that had not been unpacked yet. And a KY bottle that we had left on the nightstand from the night before. My stance is that that is our bedroom and there is no need for an eleven year old to have the authority to just waltz in there like it's his own room. Anyway, you all are right to say that there was more than just a kid walking into the room. I just think this was the last that I could take. The first time I met his son, I was introduced as a friend (we were already living together), my ex made me sit in the back seat once because we were dropping off his son at the mom's house and he didn't want her to be questioning who I was. That happened in front of his family and they all could not believe what he was doing. I just always felt that i was not getting my place as his woman. I understand parents love their children unconditionally and they come first, but that doesn't mean I have to be disrespected and humiliated as a woman. What is his son going to learn from that?? I could just imagine how it would have been had we gotten married.

Dianna - posted on 06/16/2014

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The eleven year old boy has no purpose for entering your bedroom, did you ask him what he was looking for? I assume that there is another bathroom for him to use , if he was making his way to the master bathroom. I don't think that I would have waited for my boyfriend to address the issue, I may have just explained that there is another bathroom for him to use and that your bedroom is your personal space. ..to ask you first from now on. Keep it light and matter of fact.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/14/2014

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I agree with the other ladies, but on top of that, I'm wondering what you keep in your bedroom that is necessary for you to be having such a problem with this.

Yes, kids should respect privacy, and parents rooms should be kept as that, but when I was growing up, we regularly were allowed into parents and even grandparents bedrooms without supervision, and it was no big deal.

My sons knew that for most purposes they did not need to enter our room, but if they did, they did, and so be it. There's nothing in there that they don't see in the rest of the house, and they know that when the door is closed, they must ask permission.

If this is the 'straw' that ended the relationship...there was a hell of a lot more going on than an 11 year old entering a room...

Jodi - posted on 06/14/2014

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I agree with Michelle. If the relationship is over it is because there were greater issues than this in the relationship.

Michelle - posted on 06/14/2014

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Obviously there are also other issues in the relationship if you are willing to call it quits over this. Yes, maybe he needs to learn that being a parent involves setting boundaries but to walk away over this is ridiculous.
If you want to try and make things work then suggest some couples counselling or parenting classes you can do together.

Blanca - posted on 06/14/2014

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I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. But, unfortunately, the relationship is over because of this. He feels that he shouldn't have to compromise when it comes to his son. And he doesn't see anything wrong with allowing his son to roam around freely without any boundaries or respect for my personal space. Did I mention his son walked into the room three times in that one day? For what?!? He had nothing in there.

Michelle - posted on 06/14/2014

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I agree with you but We needed to know a bit more about the situation.
My kids only go into our room if we are in there or they have asked to get something. They have no need to be in there otherwise. Maybe you need to tell him but don't make a big deal of it. In the big scheme of things it's not worth arguing over.

Blanca - posted on 06/14/2014

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His son is eleven, He went into the bedroom without permission, the door was closed. His dad was out working so he was not looking for his dad. To me, he had no business going in to the room.

Michelle - posted on 06/14/2014

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It depends on the child's age.
Did he go into your room without either of you there? Was he trying to find his Dad?
There are a lot of variables and my answer would be different for them all.

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