is 7 years age difference,too much,for 13 year old girl in dating relationship

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Sarah - posted on 02/03/2012

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It is inappropriate because no adult should be in a romantic relationship with a child. Pedophiles often "groom" their victims and families to gain trust and access to the child (and 13 is both ethically and legally a child). If this man has expressed intent to be in a romantic relationship with this child that is a huge warning sign. It galls me that the parents would not see this! Personally, I believe you have an ethical and legal responsibility to report this behaviour to the authorities and to protect the child in question.

Tara - posted on 02/02/2012

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Not just yes, but hell yes. If she was an adult and there was a 7 year difference that isn't so bad (my husband is 6 years younger than I am). But at 13? Very definitely too much of an age difference.



Additionally, as other ladies have pointed out this is illegal in most places. A 20 year old man interested in "dating" a 13 year old girl has some serious issues and should be kept far, far away from the girl, and any other children her age or younger.

Krista - posted on 02/02/2012

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WAY too much of an age difference. He's an adult, and she's still a child. There's no way I would condone that.



On a side note, if you're wondering what age difference IS acceptable, no matter what your age, a good rule of thumb is this. Take someone's age, divide it by two, and add 7. That's the YOUNGEST person they can date without it being creepy. So this 20 year old? He could date a 17 year old and it wouldn't be too bad. Any younger? Creepy.

Jodi - posted on 02/03/2012

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But he may not have an intent to have sex with her, or a sexual relationship. The question was about a dating relationsip. You'd have to PROVE intent. Not that I'd approve, because most 20 year old men would be after the sex, but just maybe, he really doesn't have sex on his mind and is saving it for the right girl at the right time (like wedding day for instance). I'm just saying that notifying authorities is probably not the way to go. While you and I wouldn't necessarily allow it, obviously the girl's mother is comfortable with the relationship they have, and perhaps it is purely innocent. A dating relationship with no intent for it to go further is not illegal. Inappropriate, perhaps, but not illegal.

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Kare - posted on 07/10/2012

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I don't know if this relationship is still going on, but I just needed to reply in case someone else sees this and is looking for answers to something like this. I was a 13 year old, very innocent and shy. When my parents divorced, our 20 year old youth pastor decided to start coming around and helping my mom with stuff around the house, while grooming me to be his "girlfriend" I had no idea what was going on, and went along with everything he said. Long story short, and thirty years later, I can honestly say this was an abusive relationship in the way of being controlled and molested for four years. My teen years were robbed. I never had any regular teen relationships, no HS dances, no friends- outside of church people that he wanted me to hang out with. My mom allowed this, the church allowed this, everyone allowed this. My whole life has been damaged because of this "relationship" -We were engaged to be married when I realized I had a choice and didn't have to be with him. I was sitting next to him in his truck and I got sick to my stomach when he touched my leg. That was the moment, four years into it, that opened my eyes to what was happening. A 13 year old, no matter what she says, does not know and can't know the damage that will be done to her. It is up to the adults in her life to protect her and say no. If her parents won't stand up for her, who will? If you're still not sure, think of this: If you know that someone hitting your child and being abusive to them will damage them and have long term negative effects, would you still allow it? It's the same thing, only more silent... and maybe she won't really know all the damage until many years later.

Peg - posted on 02/09/2012

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thanks,her mom does talk to her about how she is supposed to wait until marriage,to have sex.i hope she listens.

Peg - posted on 02/09/2012

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thanks,her mom does talk to her about how she is supposed to wait until marriage,to have sex.i hope she listens.

Heidi - posted on 02/07/2012

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13 is to young to be dating one to one anyways.. but 7 yrs difference? NO WAY! No matter how charming he is its consider staturtory rape SP? in all states I believe with a 4 yr difference at that age level. She isnt old enough to consent and a 20 yr isnt old enough to keep it in his pants. We thought a 16 yr old could handle her self with a 2 yr difference. well Im a grandma now! She was not ready to be a mom! But she is and we love that baby to pieces! But speaking from my Christian view the baby is no way from sin or sin he is Gods miracle. It was the act that was sin that my daughter and her boyfriend was no way ready to handle and be ready for the consequenses. We allowed her to be with him.. They comitted an act that changed their lives forever. That happens at 13 too! More easily!

Michelle - posted on 02/07/2012

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Plan and simple a 20 year old dating a 13 year old is not dating it's sexaul assault. The 20 could go to jail and then have to register as a sex a offender. So if you are a parent and have to ask that question, you are unfit to a be a parent.

Bonnie - posted on 02/05/2012

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What 20 year old wants to play hide and seek with a 13 year old? A 3 year old maybe, but a 13 year old?

Merry - posted on 02/04/2012

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I agree Jodi. While it is inappropriate, it doesn't sound illegal yet.

Not even almost illegal. As the two seem to be doing kid things at the house with parents present. Is the 20 yr old guy mentally delayed?

I agree it shouldn't be happening like this, he shouldn't get access to the girl all the time like this. And it is a huge age gap for anything beyond puppy love.

Personally I'd keep him away from my daughter but we don't know the whole story so I think we need more info before we claim it's grooming for rape

Donna - posted on 02/04/2012

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Amanda took the words right put of my mouth! Why would a 20 year old even want to be with a 13 year old? Something is wrong there, even if they are just "dating"...

Amanda - posted on 02/03/2012

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Not only is this too big of an age gap at this time in their lives, it is ILLEGAL in almost all US states!

Sarah - posted on 02/03/2012

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Actually, depending on where you are it may be. Pedophilia grooming can be charged as intent to commit (contributing the the sexual delinquency of a minor) (or other words depending where you are). Let alone that the parents could be charged with failing to provide a safe environment (again - different words where you may live) if they are aware of his intent towards their daughter and didn't protect her from him. Just so you know Jodi, I wasn't reiterating what you were saying, my statement was broad and in general.

Jodi - posted on 02/03/2012

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Sarah, I'm not sure why you feel the need to reiterate to me that it is inappropriate. See where I said it wasn't appropriate for exactly that reason? There is a difference, however, between inappropriate and illegal. You can't charge someone for pedophilia if there is no sexual behaviour of some sort. But that doesn't by any means, make the relationship okay.

Jodi - posted on 02/03/2012

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Folks, just so we can clarify, she's only discussing dating. Sure, this could potentially LEAD to sex, which is why the dating is not appropriate and a really bad idea, but it is only considered statutory rape and illegal if they are having a sexual relationship.

Sarah - posted on 02/03/2012

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Absolutely is. Also it's illegal no matter where you are (if Canada or USA).

Elizabeth - posted on 02/03/2012

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Yes, way too much of an age difference. It's fine for adults to have relationships with other adults with such an age difference of course, but an adult should not be dating a minor. My opinion.

Jane - posted on 02/03/2012

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My husband was 11 years older than I BUT we starting dating when I was 34, not 13.



My grandfather was ten years older than my grandmother, BUT they met and married when she was 17, not 13.



During the teen years brains and bodies are developing so rapidly that even one or two years can make a huge difference. A 20 yo and a 13 yo should NOT be dating.

Peg - posted on 02/03/2012

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no,i am not a parent of them,my friend is,and she probly keep allowing this,since the boy calls her mom and she calls him son,its crazy situation.he went up ther in the past to play and give her family company,now this situation has developed,her momtold her that her father would not allow them to date,but mthe mom kees alot from her husband,and i dont think that is appropriate,she says she likes a 14 year atschool her so called boyfriend,hes not allowed at the house,but she likes the 20 year old better,and he is welcome there all hours.she is a christian friend and my husbands cousin,she would probably not want anything to do with me if i give her my opinion,she gets mad easy.and probably would not allow my other kids to play with her younger son.

Peg - posted on 02/03/2012

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no,i am not a parent of them,my friend is,and she probly keep allowing this,since the boy calls her mom and she calls him son,its crazy situation.he went up ther in the past to play and give her family company,now this situation has developed,her momtold her that her father would not allow them to date,but mthe mom kees alot from her husband,and i dont think that is appropriate,she says she likes a 14 year atschool her so called boyfriend,hes not allowed at the house,but she likes the 20 year old better,and he is welcome there all hours.

Peg - posted on 02/03/2012

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I am a christian,and i read the bible,and also my grndmother is 10 years younger than my grandfather,hes 84 shes 74 deceased but they raised 10 children,and i know in the past generations,this was allow,,but i think girls are alot more mature now than ever,they now more than my grandmother probably knew,she married at 13.

Peg - posted on 02/03/2012

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my 14 year old keeps telling me mom its none of your business,and states that he acts like a kid,i told her it does not make a difference,you would think that the parents would rather a teen boy to come over,i tol my daughter,shes not bring a mn to my house.

Peg - posted on 02/03/2012

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yes,he dances with her and goes to her house and plays hide and seek and it worries me.am i nosy,or what?

Jodi - posted on 02/03/2012

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I'm confused, what is your part in all of this, are you just a friend on the outside? You aren't one of the parents?



I absolutely agree that nothing good will come of it. You tell my what a 20 year old man would want with a 13 year old girl? That is not legal and it isn't healthy. But if you are not the parent of one of these two, there isn't a lot you can do more than express your concern to your friend.

Peg - posted on 02/03/2012

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it started out innocent,her mother confides in me about the teen worries when shes with teen boys,dad wont allow them in the home,but condones this man,coming over everyday,i am confused,my husband says its none of my business,i tell him,she will procbably wind up in trouble,even though the parents say they trust them,he is a man,very questionable?

Jodi - posted on 02/03/2012

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Well, if you have a relationship with his mum, I think you need to talk to her about it and you both need to nip this in the bud. Now. You are the mum of the 20 year old boy? You have an obligation to that girl to speak to the parents and put a stop to it.

Peg - posted on 02/03/2012

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yes,the parents welomed him into the home for the past couple years,looking at him as more of a brother to the kids,now i dont know if anything serious will come out of this,or its puppy love,infatuation,or what,but i see nothing but trouble ahead,for everyone involved,her mother isa christian,too.

Merry - posted on 02/02/2012

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I'd likely not allow my 13 yr old to date a 14 yr old! In the young of ages they should really not even date but if they must it's best to be the same age.



That's pedophile

Jodi - posted on 02/02/2012

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This has to be a joke. Who even has to ask if it is okay for a 13 year old girl to date a 20 year old man?

Kaitlin - posted on 02/02/2012

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I'm glad someone else said it too- PEDOPHILE.

I would discontinue this relationship. You do have the power to control how and where and with whom your 13 year old daughter spends her time.

[deleted account]

No matter what state you live in and what's legal or not....a 13 year old with a 20 year old is inappropriate. It's not the number of years between them. For adults, 7 years really isn't that much of a difference. But you're talking about a child and an adult. What could they possibly have in common, really?



And for him to have an interest in "dating" her, that says one thing to me.....pedophile. If it were my daughter, there would be NO further relationship (friends or otherwise) between the two.

Katherine - posted on 02/02/2012

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16 in nevada- doesnt matter a 20 yr old has no business with a child.

Bonnie - posted on 02/02/2012

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As Christy pointed out, it's illegal in most places for anyone 18 and older to date or be in a relationship with a minor.

Kaitlin - posted on 02/02/2012

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um, really?! That's ridiculous! You're saying a 13 year old girl is 'dating' a 20 year old? That is far too much of an age difference! If she was 20 and he was 27, that would be different- she's a child! that's really inappropriate.

Peg - posted on 02/02/2012

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this girl was looking at this man as a brother figure,now decides she wants to be his girlfriend,and he decides he wants her as a girlfriend.

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