Is anyone else the primary breadwinner with a stay at home dad?

Sarah - posted on 01/21/2016 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hello All. I am just wondering how many other moms are in this situation? I am a mom of 4 kiddos and a doctor. I decided to go to medical school 11 years ago, before I had my first kid. Once I started medical school I had my son, then I moved to go to residency and had my three other kiddos. When we moved for my residency my husband and I decided he would stay at home with the kids. When we made this decision we always talked about how one day we would switch-I would stay home and he would work again, or at least we would both be part time. Now, I work full time, and he stays home with our 4 kids, and we have lots of issues because we never switched. He has only as associates degree with a max earning potential of maybe 40k-I sadly can make a lot more. I really really really want to be with my kiddos, but he has no real job prospects, and even if he finds a job, we can't live on his salary alone. I had my last baby 9 months ago, and with each kid I only got around 8 weeks off (no real maternity leave as I was a resident, this last time around at least I got paid while I was off). I am very sad to miss so much of my kids life, and I find my husband and I get in constant arguements because we still don't split house work evenly, and we definitely don't split responsibilities evenly. I feel so tired from working all day, then getting home and essentially being the primary caregiver (he is usually looking for a break which I partly understand), then waking up with the baby all night long, then spending my weekends or time off doing laundry and cleaning and taking care of kiddos. I feel like I never get a break-even a 10 minute break, to do anything. We always get in fights because he would rather be working (he doesn't seem to exactly like staying home with the kids), and I would rather be at home, but financially it is impossible. I try to read articles on the internet about working moms, but my situation seems somewhat odd-as I have no choice but to work, and my husband stays home, so I guess I am just wondering are there other moms like me out there? If so..does it suck? Do you work, then come home and work, and basically just work non stop without a break? Are you surrounded by unsupportive people-who don't care that you are overwhelmed-because you know..you chose to work (even though you didn't really)..or you chose to have kids? Does your husband cook and clean and grocery shop and make sure to remember all the kids activities and homework and appointments? Or do you do it all?? Tell me I am not alone...

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Sarah - posted on 01/21/2016

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The only jobs he has found in the past two years pay 12/hr, or one full time job that paid a maximum of 22k. Many years ago he made 40k at intel-but those jobs don't seem to be available anymore (thats where I got the max earning potential). I've tried to convince him to go back to school but he isn't interested in that. I would like to believe that him going to work would help our situation-but there is also a fear that it would cause even more work because if he was working outside the home (even to break even) he would do less housework etc than he does now. I've tried to think of solutions over the last 8 years but I really haven't come up with much. Thanks again for responding-its nice to talk with someone.

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Jodi - posted on 01/21/2016

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Wow, child care must cost a bunch if he can get a 40k job. I'd be looking at some of the other options - home day care, a nanny. There has to be something out there that is affordable enough, even if his job just covers the costs of the daycare.

Also, has he considered reskilling?

And I'm not a single parent anymore - been married to current hubby for 12 years, but I was a single parent before that after my first marriage broke up :) And I know it is hard having to do it all.

Sarah - posted on 01/21/2016

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Ya we have talked about him working. Right now the jobs he can get do not cover the cost of childcare for the youngest two-so we would lose money if he works. He most definitely is not happy with what he is doing, and I'm not happy with what I am doing. We have a big problem being empathic with one another because we would much prefer to do what the other one is doing. Thanks for your comment-and you are amazing for being a single parent!!

Jodi - posted on 01/21/2016

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So why can't he work too? If he isn't enjoying staying home all the time with the kids, maybe it is time to consider some child care and him getting some kind of job. It doesn't sound like he is happy doing what he is doing.

To be honest, I spent enough time being a single parent, that everything you describe I can totally relate to, except I had to do it all because I didn't have anyone else to help me.

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