Is Cry It Out Right For Black Families

L'Orangerie - posted on 01/12/2014 ( 31 moms have responded )

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Hello,

I am new to this forum, but I wanted to engage members in a conversation after deep reflection. About 4 months ago, I decided to employ the cry it out sleep training with my now 1 year old daughter. It was a really difficult decision to make since I had committed myself to attachment parenting where I did everything within my power (ie rocking, singinh, sling, co-sleeping, etc.) To lull my baby to sleep. It was becoming counterproductive because my baby was waking up to every hour expecting me to put her back to sleep. I became sleep deprived and after much discussion with her father, we decided to let her cry it out. I was tremendously hard to hear her cry for the first few nights but then I noticed it becoming easier for her to put herself back to sleep. Fast forward to 4 months, my 1 year old has been going to sleep on her own with just a kiss and tuck in from me for almost 2 months now. And amazingly, she sleeps 12 hours without waking. I am now certain that this was the right decision for my daughter and family. However, my family (particularly my mother, grandmother, and aunt) did not like that I sleep trained my daughter. They could not understand my devision, yet they reap the benefits of her long stretches of sleep when they babysit for me. They also feel as if I am reading too msny baby books and conforming to the "majority" standards of parenthood, meaning that I am raising my daughter according to "White" standards. I know that I am helping my daughter learn an important skill by her falling asleep on her own and she is very independent and healthy. I am just confused why they don't support this and support me wanting to educate myself of various parenting techniques. Has anyone encountered the same issue? Would lime to know. Thanks

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L'Orangerie - posted on 01/16/2014

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I posted my story, not with the intention for anyone to take it personally. The reason that I posted this is because there are cultural differences in child rearing. We musnt ignore this fact. Much like my family of origin, many African Americsns choose to engage in different child rearing practices based upon cultural beliefs. Case in point.....spanking. This is a hot button issue, but people follow and believe different things about spanking that could be based upon their culture. My point in my original post is that much to the shagrin of my family, I do not believe that cty it out is a "White" or majority child rearing practice, nor do I believe that it is the end all be all method for every family. My point in bringing it up in a racial context is to poiny out that there are still cultural beliegs in how one raises their children and if one decides, much like I did to go against the cultural belief in how one should raise their children, then it may be met with opposition.

Princess - posted on 01/17/2014

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My husband and I have had the same issues with my grandmother. She is an old school Latina. She feels that we are way to hard with our parenting methods. We bump head sometimes. But bottom line, your child is not your mothers, grandmothers, or aunts. She is yours, and therefore up to you to decide how to raise her. Don't give in to their negativity. It sounds as if you are doing the best for your daughter. You are helping her become an independent person and not crutching her. My suggestion would be to just stay strong with your methods and use your husband for support. It is very hard, but as long as you and your husband do not let your family derail you, in the long run it is better for your child. That's what matters after all. Just let them know that reading is very important to prepare children for school. It may not seem like she is even listening, but subconsciously the knowledge is being soaked in. It is Extremely important in building the fundamentals for your daughters education. Keep up the good work.

Jennifer - posted on 01/16/2014

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I thought this forum was about child rearing, and moms coming together? ! NOT about racism? ! Mrs.Crawford for what it's worth ,I think what you did was not only a great thing, but great for your daughter! The fact that white,and black was,even brought into the situation shows how close minded some can be. i mean no offense by that!! I find it sad that in the 21st century we are still separating the races,as if we are not all humans!!! All races have implemented the "Cry it out"method, and every person has different ways of doing things be it cooking,cleaning,or raising children. No single way is,better then the others.. Just like there is no ONE WAY on how to raise children!! Keep up the good work,Mom! Your daughter will thank you for it later!!!!

Laura - posted on 01/14/2014

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Education breaks a cycle, no matter what the issue or race is. You are a great mom!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/14/2014

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Ah, but Nadine, you started it on a public board. I will make one more comment, and then this will be considered closed.

We would not HAVE this issue between ethnicities if it were not continually perpetuated on both sides. By continually mentioning "I am black" or "I am white" we continue to allow the perpetuation of the stereotypes, and do not allow the world to move forward.

You, apparently, do not care to see that the perpetuation of the issue occurs on both sides. I prefer to ignore ethnicity. It doesn't matter if you're black, white, yellow, or purple. If you're a parent, ONE thing matters, and that is your child. There is NO correct way to do anything, whether it's in reference to what one ethnicity chooses as a child rearing method over another, or whether its in reference to whether one ethnicity is better at caregiving than another.

It would be much better for ALL involved if this site would add one more policy, that being "do NOT mention ethnicity. For purposes of harmonious existence, this website is color blind".

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Daria - posted on 01/18/2014

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You are really strong)))) we sleep together with our daughter because she wake up every hour if she is in her bed and I have no idea what can I do with it. Do everything what is comfortable for you and your family and don't listen anyone.

Jennifer - posted on 01/16/2014

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Sooo teaching a child the skills he or she needs to be dependant upon themselves to go to sleep is now abuse and neglect?! WOW!!! What has this world come to?!

Kellie - posted on 01/15/2014

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What does your skin color gave to do with this anyways? I really don't get your point!

Angela - posted on 01/15/2014

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Shawnn, you say that Crying It Out is a cruel & neglectful method - and in principle I agree with you. However, it's not just tough-going for the baby, it also requires nerves of steel from the parents. And like you say, it's awesome that it's worked for this family.

Because not only do the parents now get quality sleep, the infant does as well! Twelve hours of sleep is amazing - I feel so jealous of this little one!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/14/2014

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Nadine, you apparently did not get the entire point of Gena's first post, which was an observation, of a factual occurrence. You took it into the racial side. You called her out for the comment, and you further it each time you post.

OUR POINT IS this is not just a website for one ethnicity, it is for ALL ethnicities, religions, and viewpoints, and therefore asking if one culture is better for using one method over another immediately DOES move it into the ethnic side of the discussion, whether it's actually relevant or not.

You still haven't figured out that none of us are racist, my dear. You are the one pulling that card, and claiming that we, by our very viewpoints that NO ONE ETHNICITY IS BETTER OR WORSE THAN ANOTHER are actually the ones spouting racist nonsense. I don't appreciate that.

But, thanks for proving Gena's point, which is that ethnicity really didn't need to be brought up for the question to be asked and answered.

Is CIO a good method? No, it's a neglectful and abusive method, in my opinion. It worked for the OP, which is awesome, and she's got LO sleeping thru, which is even better. And, as Angela stated, you'd think that OP's family would be thankful for the extra rest when they have LO overnight, rather than being critical of her parenting methods.

That goes whether you're black, white, or purple, so what does ethnicity REALLY have to do for the question? Answer: Nothing, except to point out that someone THINKS there should be a difference in the ways different ethnic groups raise their kids. In reality, a kid is a kid, and each person develops practices and mechanisms to raise that kid, regardless of ethnic background.

Nadine - posted on 01/14/2014

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Wow. I'm surprised.
When I called out the posts that I felt were triggering or harmful, I didn't do it with the intention of personally attacking either Gena or Shawnn. It is not about you personally, it is about your views on why it is apparently offensive for a woman of colour to ask other black women about their experiences that are particular to black mothers; that's all.
If you think I'm being racist for saying that, by all means please message me personally to let me know. If I am being offensive, I don't want to remain ignorant.
Yes, other people go through prejudice and discrimination based on weight, orientation, gender, tattoos, you name it. Heck, I go through some discrimination as well. But it doesn't exclude you from acting in a racist way either. It is not about *you*, at all.
http://allystoolkit.tumblr.com/post/1483...
http://racismschool.tumblr.com/post/1602...
http://racismschool.tumblr.com/post/1763...
http://racismschool.tumblr.com/post/3426...

Gena - posted on 01/14/2014

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Shawnn... I think it makes no sense writing to somebody that feels so offended about her skin color but finds true statements about people that suffer what they look like funny. Also very sad that she thinks we are colorblind..i think she is the racist among us.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/14/2014

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Nadine, your ASSumptions about me truly brighten my day. You've never met me, yet you challenge my statement that I am colour blind by saying that I actually am "not comfortable dealing with them as they are"

How can you say that? You don't know me, have never met, nor dealt with me face to face. You don't know how I act, and react, and most importantly you don't know what MY ethnicity is to make such an inaccurate ASSumption. Oh, but that's what assumptions are. Inaccurate attempts to push your agenda onto others. Personally, I do not appreciate anyone who would presume to assume anything about another person, but that is me.

I choose to see in people their good qualities. Generosity, humility, acceptance of ALL others, regardless of ethnicity, religion, or personal affiliations.

You chose to take offense at a simple TRUE statement posted by another on this board. That, my dear, is your right. But, you do NOT have the right to call me racist, which you just did in your response to me. Until you meet me, until you KNOW me, you are welcome to quit making assumptions about me. You see, the important things that make up a person DO NOT include skin colour, but what's truly inside.

Gena - posted on 01/14/2014

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this is the last thing i am posting here.

PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD!
NO MATTER WHAT RACE,SIZE ETC PLEASE STOP JUDGING PEOPLE FOR WHERE THEY COME FROM,WHAT THEY WEAR OR LOOK LIKE... START LOOKING AT PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE ON THE INSIDE,NOT THE OUTSIDE!

Gena - posted on 01/14/2014

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Do you think only blacks are effected everyday!?How does it feel for fat people everyday no matter what race they are!?How does it feel for people that have a disability and get stared at?!How does it feel for a person in a wheelchair?!A person that has to live with skin that has been burned in a fire?! the list goes on and on... do you think only black people are effected!? Do you think those people dont have to go through humiliation on a daily base? I am not colorblind and i am not a racist,i dont like when ANYBODY gets negative energy through words of another,my body is covered with tattoos and yes i get stared at and people have said bad things to me... but do you know what, maybe you should watch the videos of my friend The Scary Guy...you will find him on youtube. Start opening your mind and stop letting negative energy get you. And stop letting negative energy(words) come out of you..you are just reflecting who you really are,people sense it.

Nadine - posted on 01/14/2014

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You think that because you say you "don't see colour" it means you're not prejudiced?
You think that is a testament to your liberal free spirited ideas about "ethnicity"? It's not. It's not a good thing.
When you say you "don't see colour" or the board should be colour blind, you're saying you're not comfortable dealing with them as they are.
You are choosing to see people as you'd like to see, and that means ignoring their race.
You might think you're doing a good job, but by choosing what you see in a person you're being just as racist as someone who explicitly says they don't like black/Asian/Native people.
http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/colorb...

Gena, yes! The oppression still goes on today! People can't "leave it in the last" because it STILL EFFECTS THEM EVERY DAY. It's not like oppression and racism have stopped being a problem.

I didn't want to take up any more of this board to make this point, because this is NOT the point of this thread. But I can't stand back and call myself a decent human being when people say things that are so obviously offensive.

Again, a ton of apologies to L'Orangerie Crawford. This was not the point of the thread.

Gena - posted on 01/14/2014

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Nadine you have said it perfectly!PAST CENTURIES OF RACISM.... Past! If every race could move on.. We are living now,and not in the past! di

Nadine - posted on 01/14/2014

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Shawnn, in an ideal world without past centuries of racism, that would be ideal. But it is not an ideal world and past abuses have happened, and white people still profit from that.
Again, as someone who has a lot of privilege, I don't speak for the OP or WoC or PoC. I'm just saying why it is not racist for the poster to ask this question.
Again, if you have more you want to say off topic, message me and we can continue this.

Gena - posted on 01/14/2014

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Be so kind and explain to me exactly What Ignorance of mine?? Maybe i should have written personaly for you that i found Angelas post helpful.. Please dont forget,this site is open for everybody and i may post what I want..not what YOU want.And for your information i find the crying out method bad...for any child,any race!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/14/2014

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Exactly, Nadine, CONTEXT. And it should be the same for ANY ethnicity.

Nadine - posted on 01/14/2014

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Shawnn, I understand the point. What I'm saying is that there is context. A white woman asking if CIO is right for white families is racist; a woman of colour sharing concern about it being okay for her black family is not. It is all context.
But if anyone but the OP has something to say about what I said, private message me.
I won't be taking up this space here any longer when it distracts from the original post.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/14/2014

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Nadine, Gena posted a VERY valid point. If a caucasian woman posts in the context of "is this ok for a certain ethnicity", that woman would be called out for being racial.

The actual question was whether or not CIO is a good method. I believe that the OP felt the need to mention ethnicity as an example of why her family did not agree with the method, but in reality, ethnicity has nothing to do with the issue, nor the question.

Personally, I think CIO is cruel and unusual, and bordering on neglect, and I would never consider it as an effective method for anything, but that's my opinion.

Nadine - posted on 01/14/2014

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Of course I get your post. I wanted to give you a minute to maybe think a little about what you wrote, before I jumped to conclusions about your ignorance.
Also, for the future: context.
Sorry L'Orangerie Crawford, didn't mean to take away from your original post.

Gena - posted on 01/14/2014

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Think for a minute.What would you reply if i would write i am white and my parents dont want me to raise him "Black" standards.
Theres your answer! Cuz if you honost enough everybody would write what RACIST parents i have..how degrading it is towards blacks etc. But its ok for a black to write something like that about Whites. And if you want to discuss this with me,feel free to send me a Personal Message so that this post isnt about me...or better said you.

Nadine - posted on 01/14/2014

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Gena, what's your point?
L'Orangerie Crawford has some legitimate concerns about a family issue that women of colour can sympathize with.
Don't detract from her message right now and make this conversation about you.

Gena - posted on 01/13/2014

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Sorry if this sounds wierd, but if i as a White mother would have written that comment saying my parents dont want me to raise my son "Black" Standards i would be named a horrible racist etc. Just something to think about!

L'Orangerie - posted on 01/12/2014

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Thank you so much for the validation. As a new mom, I appreciate the encouragement that I am doing my best by my baby. Thanks again.

Michelle - posted on 01/12/2014

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Angela has said it perfectly.
It doesn't matter what race you are you bring up your child the way you want to. Yes when you Mother had you things were done very differently and some people think that was the best way. Times change and we need to be able to adapt to that change and find the best way for us.
It sounds like you have done exactly the right thing since you now have an uninterrupted sleep, that's what most of us aim for!

Onetraeh - posted on 01/12/2014

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reading to your baby is very good for her development & for whn the time comes to start teaching her the alphabet & how to read;u can't start too early I think.I'm sure u want the best for her & reading & comprehension is sooo important oh my goodness there r so many illiterate people out here who would be lost without spell check & if she can read it's a stepping stone to higher learning;anybody who says tht's a bad thing in any way is out of their mind & needn't advise u any longer on how to raise your baby to be successful & confident in life.the sleep training sounds awful to listen to her cry but again u r her mommy & u know wht's best;p.s. the 'white standards' comment ugghhh I hate tht.becuz it's holding some people back thinking in this way so don't let them drag u down & btw;white people may be dorks but u know wht?some of them r very smart people as in book smarts & there is nothing wrong with tht!everybody should be a dork thn

p.p.s. oops I may need to take my own advice about reading & comprehension;I thought u had meant tht u r reading too many baby books as in TO her!whoopsie

Angela - posted on 01/12/2014

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I'm a mother of 4 (all grown now) and we're a white family. I didn't realise that there were rules on child rearing according to race!

You do what suits you and your child - whatever ethnicity you are. I know loads of white families that all do it differently to each other (child rearing) - there's no one right way! I think it's wonderful that your child sleeps so long, I bet a lot of parents on here really envy you!

No-one has the right to tell you you've done wrong by your daughter in sleep-training her in the way you have. Not your mother, your aunt, your grandmother - no-one. This is YOUR child, not theirs. And I'm pretty certain that just as I know loads of white families who all do it differently to one another, there are also loads of black families, brown families and families of every race, combination and mixture that have their own individual way of raising their children. And I bet there are a quite a few black families who do it the way you do anyway!

When my oldest son was an infant, I consulted loads of parenting books. I didn't agree with everything I read - and you probably don't either. But it's good to do the research, compare the different ideas and choose what suits you and your child. Reading books on ANY topic that relates to real life is useful and gives you insight.

There are a lot of people that feel parenthood - particularly motherhood - should come naturally and you don't need to consult a book. But years ago, women who gave birth didn't have proper, qualified midwives - childbirth and motherhood were thought to be so "natural" that a person specifically trained and qualified to assist in childbirth was thought unnecessary! And lots of mothers - and newborns - died as a result. Thank goodness we've come past those times!

You know what is best for you and your child. Good luck!

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