Is it bad not always want to hold your baby?

Andi - posted on 03/08/2010 ( 39 moms have responded )

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So my husband and father in law are always on my case because I put my son in his swing,or activity center or on his playmat... I stay at home and take care of him all day and everyday!!! About 85% of the day he is in my arms or on my chest... He's never been away from me for longer than hour... I love my son with all of my heart and would do anything for him but to be honest I'm going a little crazy and could seriously use a break from him... only an hour or 2 hours would feel like a week to me. His dad offered to have him for an entire day while I go out for a "spa day" but the problem with that is my fiancee has never given our son a bath, changed his clothes, feed him his baby food, or has been able to handle him whenever he's having a tantrum from his teething!!! I get text messages from him after only being gone for 20 minutes telling me to come home and that he can't handle him. I swear I just wish HE knew what it's like to be with a baby 24/7!!! HELP!!!

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Lisamahr8 - posted on 03/13/2010

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I didn't hold my children that much. It's not because I don't love them it's because I needed a break. I don't think their is anything wrong with it. In fact you will find it easier on the baby when you leave to have time to your self. My kids were crawling at 6 months and walking at 9 and 10 months. I believe it's because I left them alone. I think holding them all of the time does more harm than good. Plus I think they build confidence in themselves by being left alone.

Carmen - posted on 04/07/2010

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Ahhhhhh!!!!!!! MEN!!!!!!!!!!! You need to go out and enjoy yourself, your fiancee is a big boy, he can make a baby he can look after one. As simple as that.





(And there is nothing wrong with putting your baby down, thats how they grown their muscles in the legs & arms - Tummy Time/Bouncy Time)

Sandi - posted on 03/08/2010

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Teach your fiance 1 thing a day and make it his job while he is home.



Mon- All about feeding. How to make bottles, burp & feed food.



Tue- Nappie day. Show him once and stand back. Let him make mistakes. He'll put them on inside out and back to front just wait til he's 'done" & show him the correct way. lol



Wed- Bath day. Let him bath your son then he can watch you dry/cream/dress him. Tell him he will need to pay attention on how put babygrows on because he will be doing it tomorrow :)



Thur- Dressing day. Set out the outfit in the morning and let him dress your son. If he can't handle squirmy arms then show him how you do it but let him carry on with the rest.



Fri- Play day. Spend an hour or so playing with your son and show your fiance how to distract him when you see the start of a tantrum. Show him what calms him and how to make him laugh etc.



Sat- Let your fiance impress you with all his new skills and remember to praise him :) This way he doesn't feel like he's in the deep end and you are still about for the hiccups.



Try to include him and ask if he can think of better ways/ideas so you know he's taking it in and not just nodding :) Save the bedtime routine for after he has mastered the day to day stuff. Hope this helps for ideas. x

Krista - posted on 03/08/2010

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It's completely normal to need some time to just be YOU. I love my husband, but if I spent every waking moment with him, after awhile, I'd be like, "Do you mind getting out of my face, please and thank you?" So I don't know why there's this weird expectation that we should be deliriously happy to spend every single waking moment with our children and to never want any time to ourselves.

As far as your fiancee goes, it might be time to say to him, "Look -- you're going to have to learn to do some of these things. What if I'm sick or something happens to me?" Get him to watch you give your son a bath, and then get him to do it. Don't watch over his shoulder while he does it, but be available in case he needs you. Same goes for the other tasks. Get him to watch you do it a few times, then tell him to do it and you leave the room. He might not do things exactly the way you'd do them, but as long as he's being safe, then it doesn't matter. Once he's more confident with that stuff, then go away for an hour here and there, eventually working up to a half day and then a whole day. (And as long as he's not saying the baby's sick, just ignore the text messages and tell him that your phone's battery died -- if your son throws a tantrum, your fiancé will just have to figure out how to deal with it, like you did.)

Now, all of this is assuming that your fiancé is willing to do all of these things with the baby. If he's not, then you need to have a serious talk with him about the fact that you shouldn't be the only one doing the actual parenting.

39 Comments

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Paula - posted on 10/27/2013

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Not knowing how to watch a kid is no excuse. It makes me so mad that men pull that crap. Unless they are literally missing half their skull, a few practice runs will suffice taking care of a baby for a few hours. My husband has watched both kids on many occasions. Even while I was away for a weekend. I came back and the house was in shambles but whatever! I had the weekend!

Charlie - posted on 03/22/2010

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Now is a great time for your partner to start learning !! a worn out , tired mummy is not nearly as helpful or fun for a little bubby , as a stay at home mum it is important you get support and the opportunity to take care of yourself , in fact its vital to happy household , believe it or not your baby can feel when you are stressed or tired and it affects them too .

Happy mummy = happy bubby !

Tara - posted on 03/22/2010

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I felt that way when my 2nd daughter was born. My first daughter was very clingy & well let's face it, she was my first so I wanted to hold her all the time. My second daughter used to fall asleep in my arms or while I fed her so when I put her down, I figured she'd wake up & want to be held again but she didn't. She would stay sleeping so I got a lot done. She's 4 now & to this day will go down in her bed with no problems. If your son is content with being put down then he's probably just an independent little guy and if he wants or needs you he'll let you know.

Chantay - posted on 03/21/2010

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I always made sure my kids knew I loved them I held them, don't get me wrong but they need to learn that it is ok to be by themselves. They learn to entertain themselves and you'll be glad for that in the long run.

Shannon - posted on 03/21/2010

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Im somewhat the same way. i felt bad sometimes when she was younger but my mom says as long as they are changed and fed they are fine. so i went with that. i even put her in her crib to give me some alone time with some toys of course.

Megan - posted on 03/21/2010

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I was in the same situation you were in. But I decided to go back to college and my husband was laid off so he had to learn to take care of our son. You just need to sit him down and explain that you need something for yourself like a college class or just some time at the gym, etc. He has to learn to be responsible for his child. You cant be a part time parent. I hope this helps good luck!

Kellie - posted on 03/21/2010

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That is the exact situation, I'm in but my partner does everything he can to avoid looking after our son, let alone offer!! I know how you feel, my son has tantrums if I put him down so hes always hanging off me! as much as I ask and ask for help its no use coz my sons father still doesnt know how to make him laugh, whether he is tired hungry on wet, so I know how you feel!!

Teresa - posted on 03/12/2010

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your baby knows you love him dearly. so your best bet is not to get him use to being carried all the time. imagine trying to cook dinner and having to hold your child in one arm while hot grease is popping! you're doing a faboulous job, the less he depends on you the better. this is what us parents ultimately shoot for anyway.

Chantay - posted on 03/12/2010

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I didn't hold my children all the time when they were babies. I put them in their swing or on a blanket on the floor to get the things done I needed to do. I would move the swing to the other room if I was going to be there for long periods of time working on something but they were fine. I had the tv or music on for noise for them just to get used to noise. I could vaccuum and talk or visit and the noise didn't bother them.
I felt a little uncomfortable leaving them at home without me in the beginning with my husband but they figure it out the same way we had to, by doing. Have him take care of the baby while you're watching and you'll see he can do it. They don't come with manuals so remember - we didn't always have cell phones when mom's left to go to the store so I think he could handle it until you get back. You handle it by yourself while he's gone.
But no, it is not wrong to not hold the baby all the time I think it's good for both of you to get a break. I know it will make you feel "touched out" if you held him all the time.

Mellissa - posted on 03/11/2010

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Oh my gosh! Of course it's not wrong to not want to hold your baby all the time!! I say that if you are home with the baby all day long then you know how much attention you really give him! Don't worry about what everyone else thinks! If you need to put him down, then by all means, put him down. If you do not let him have his own time too then the two of you will never know how to function without each other. He will never learn true independence and you will never be your own person ever again. If baby's daddy and grandpa do not take the baby for a full day themselves, then they certainly cannot pass judgement on how you should be handling the baby. I s it possible for you to ask a friend to take the baby for a few hours so that you can have some time for yourself? Girlfriends who have kids tend to understand the need for moms to have their own time. Take a deep breath and you will find a way to get your point across.

Sara - posted on 03/11/2010

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No, it's not a bad thing. I was an at home mom with both of my children until the oldest was 3...I am 100% against the "carrying" all the time method, they become use to it and it becomes harder as they get older because then they always want to be carried. When mine were little, there were of course times I had to hold them so they knew me, but for the most part, the swing, play pen etc was my life saver...I didn't even hold them when I fed them, I sat with them and propped the bottle, it just worked for me. My and my daughter's are best friends so it didn't cause a seperate feeling...it was just easier for me since I was with them ALL the time. On the other hand, my husband is great, he did everything once he got home, so i had a break..but I understand what you're saying, but you're not wrong. Keep up the good work!

Sabrina - posted on 03/10/2010

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p.p.s. I also suggest writing out a list of what to do in each situation (as I read a fellow mom replied)...feedings, diaper changes, etc....what to do, how your son likes things, how to react to his diff situations/moods, what he needs at diff times. It's a great idea and would def help him adjust to that role! It's like a personal how-to baby book just for your son!!!

Sabrina - posted on 03/10/2010

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i completely agree with you. Im a 24 yr old, stay-at-home mom as well, and sometimes you just need a break. You most definitely have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of others. Do not feel guilty for taking time out for yourself or putting your son in his swing, etc. That's what they're for! As far as his father goes, I would let him know how it is for you and help him to better understand the situation. If he's offering to keep him while you get some R&R, let him. He needs to learn how to take care of him and all the in's and out's of being a parent. It's his responsibility as a parent. It may be hard at first, but he will pick it up just like all of us first-timers have done. Women are expected to know everything about birthing and raising children from the start, and if we don't, we have to quickly adapt and learn to do so. Men should be held to those same standards as a parent. I don't mean any of this to be harsh. I'm just speaking honestly from a standpoint that times have changed and men need to take the initiative and step up. If you give him the chance and let him know that he just has to get in there and do it, maybe he'll understand what you really have to deal with and go through everyday. I know he loves his son and I hope you can help him to learn what he needs to. I also hope you get your much-needed break!
p.s. If someone offers to help, take it! I know it can be hard, but as long as your son's with someone you trust and know that he will be taken care of, you need to take the break for yourself! Good Luck!!! :)

Maggie - posted on 03/10/2010

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you need time to yourself no matter who watches the baby. Find a sitter or a friend and leave the child with them.
I'm confused, though. You said your husband is on your case and your fiance can't handle the kid. are they the same person?

Sharon - posted on 03/10/2010

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Men are not born with maternal instincts, they are hunters. Babies frighten most men. This is their first baby i assume. If you teach hubby and FIL what to do or leave them a list , if baby is cranky try this:...and write a list like change diaper, try bottle, check fever. It might help, he needs to learn what to do, don't focus on the how. My hubby and I have 3 boys, I tease they were mine until 5 and then I handed them over to him.:)
Even with the third I was still teaching him. You need to relax, you've already done this once and these boys(Men) are knocking you off your game.

Ntahli - posted on 03/10/2010

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Its not a bad thing darly infect it helps a baby to be independent not always crying wanting to be carried. fiancee should contribute in helping you because he is doing himself a favor for the baby to know him or have bond with him.

Laura - posted on 03/09/2010

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Ugh I completely know what you mean... my mother used to make a big fuss about me putting my baby girl in her swing or just lay her down in bed for a while to catch a breath and be able to relax if only for half an hour. My husband tries to take care of her but he just doesn't know how to deal with her all the time like I do, particularly when she's fussing about the teeth thing. What we usually do is he takes our baby for a walk or to the store for 30 minutes to an hour and that gives them time together while I get to just relax and recharge. Good luck with everything and I hope this helped!

Naomi - posted on 03/09/2010

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Before you go out then get your husband to do somethings under your supervision. Like change his clothes, feed him, etc... Then you are there to give advice or suggetions. Second, the whole day is probably too much to start. Try going out with a friend for coffee for an hour or two. Your husband should be able to handle that and not have to bath or change too many clothes in that time. Third is there someone else your husband could call like his mother or your mother or a friend with children that could help him so that you could have a much needed break?

Jamie - posted on 03/09/2010

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i know how you are feeling, although very different situations. my husband is deployed, so it's all mommy all the time. i do have the support of my parents, but it is not the same. I was feeling the same way, I was going nuts and just needed some me time, i love her, but honestly, everyone needs a break and all moms need to do something for themselves. I never wanted to put my daughter in daycare, but I personally know a woman who has a small in home center, so I enrolled in school 4 days during the weeks and the baby is there with this woman. (baby is now 7 months, we both started about a month ago)

Your first question about holding the baby all the time-- it is a GOOD thing not to always be holding your baby! If you are always holding them, how will they learn things? It teached them even at a young age independence. I do hold my daughter and play with her, but I also put her in the playpen to play while I do things aound the house, she absolutely loves her walker, sh chases me around the house in it and has a blast, and she has tummy time on the floor. As long as the baby is in a safe place and there isnothing wrong with him, you are doing great! I find that if I hold my daughter a lot, she is up all night, because she is not able to play and get all that energy out, then she becomes clingy and wants to be heald all the time, but don't think you HAVE to hold him all the time, it's not healthy for you or the baby.

Stephanie - posted on 03/09/2010

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I am also a stay at home mom right now and it is VERY important for you to have a little time to yourself (even if its a short time). It can be soooo overwhelming. I don't have family around so its hard. Is there anyone else that can watch the baby? Otherwise you could try to start out leaving him for 10-20 minutes with someone instead of jumping into a full day gone. And if you guys has never done any of the things you mentioned, its time to teach him!! Maybe start with the basics that would get him through a short time. Or maybe schedule to go out during a quiet/down time. Most guys just don't understand that us Mom's need a break too. It's nothing against them, its just they are not home 24/7 so its hard for them to get the whole picture. I hope this helped. Good luck and I'm sure you will figure something out. Also, is day care an option??? Even a day or two a week could be helpful, whether its part-time or full-time.

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How is your baby going to learn and develop if he doesn't have a chance to explore? He can't do that if he is in your arms 24/7 and you need a break too! Being a great mom means being a happy and healthy mom. Maybe you need to leave the baby for 1 hour at a time here and there. When you are both home, maybe your hubby needs to do more and you can step back a bit. Let him take a more active role so that it won't be overwhelming when you have those opportunities to go out for a bit.

I remember with my first, the minute my husband got home I handed my son over to him. He wouldn't even have his shoes off and I was like take him. I just want to take a shower without feeling like I'm being timed! Maybe I can wash my hair? LOL

Cheryl - posted on 03/09/2010

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wow, i feel for you. there is nothing wrong with wanting a break from your child. especially when you are the sole caretaker. it sounds like you need to give your husband a crash course in baby 101 or you will never get away. i agree with kirstin, just leave and dont give him a chance to call. he will eventually figure it out.

Jen - posted on 03/09/2010

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i would just sit down with your fiancee n say you need to help out more explain to him what if one day your ill n cant look after your son n fiancee needs to do everything for a change i would just sit him down n show him how to do things. and it not bad not to always hold your baby i have a 15 month old and when its bed time i praise the lord tht i can have five minutes to myself as im home alone all day i dont have any mummy friends n my partner is at college from 9 to 5

Krista - posted on 03/09/2010

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How old is your baby, Andi? My husband was really nervous around our son until he got to the point where he was able to hold his head up. But your husband won't get more comfortable with things if he doesn't practice. I'd say, "Okay, you ARE giving the baby his bath. I'm right here. It'll be fine." And as he's bathing him, stay calm, and give him lots of encouragement (just like you would to a little kid! LOL!) When he's done, you can say, "See? You didn't break him -- you did a great job!" And the more he does it, the more comfortable he'll get. My husband now plays easily with our 7-month old and isn't nervous at all about carrying him around, bathing him, changing him etc.

If he doesn't even try, though, I'd look him right in the eye and say, "I don't think you're nervous at all. I think you just don't want to do this, and you're giving excuses." If he protests, say "Okay, fine -- prove it, then. Let's go change his butt." He might need you to challenge him a little -- give him something to prove.

Liette - posted on 03/09/2010

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Don't let them get on your case over not holding your baby sometimes. They have no clue! Keep doing what you are doing. Take the spa day and turn off the phone. The baby will be fine and so will dad. Good luck!

Andi - posted on 03/08/2010

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Thank you everyone!!! I have tried in the past to explain and teach him how to do everything for the baby step by step and I've bought him thousands of baby books since he loves to read and he always says they same thing "He's too delicate." or "I don't want to break him..."... I guess what really gets on my nerves even more than the not helping is that my fiancee and my F.I.L. always talk about how my daughter(5yrs old from prev. marriage) is sooo well behaved and she so independent and intellegent... And I'm like "HELLO?!!!!"IF they love how I raised her than obviously you would think they would trust my parental decisions(sp?).... I mean I know what I'm doing you know... Errrrr... just take it one day at a time!!!

Melanie - posted on 03/08/2010

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I don't think you should molly coddle a baby with constant cuddles. Yes it's nice but then the get clingy later on. Don't get me wrong i cuddle my son often but see no harm in putting him a swing or on a playmat for a while. You son won't learn anything like rolling over or crawling if he's constantly in your arms. I think you may need to teach your fiance how to do thing so you can have a break. My husband was the same thought our son was too delicate and used to be very nervous picking him up or bathing him. good luck xx

Iysha - posted on 03/08/2010

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Have you tried being with your husband when he feeds the baby, changes the baby, tries to pu the baby to sleep? I would think that if you showed him how you do things for the baby he could catch on a bit and give you a break. After a few times taking care of the baby together, start leaving baby with daddy for a while you go to the store, get take out, get your hair cut, just for a little bit of time here and there then go out for your spa day. If he decides to just feed a bottle at every feeding or has the baby dressed in mismatched clothes its ok... Your fiance isn't perfect, and your baby can skip a solid feeding here and there so that you could get a nice trip to the spa.

Gwen - posted on 03/08/2010

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Take the spa day and turn off your phone. He will learn REAL fast! :-)

Karen - posted on 03/08/2010

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like you i didn't hold my son lots, he was pretty independant right from the start - he didn't like to be held for too long or he would start crying to be put down. i used to lay him on the floor with his toys and lay beside him and touch his face, rub his back etc. my husband was the same way as your fiancee at first - very nervous around the baby and got stressed when he cried. he was very awkward changing his clothes/diaper, feeding him and trying to bathe him but one night i just told him he'd have to figure it out without me and i went out shopping. i turned my phone off but did check in once with him (when i knew baby should be sleeping). he survived that night and figured out how to do everything that needed to be done...although not the way i would do it, but i'm glad he found his own way to do things! ever since then i go out about once a week just for an hour or so and my husband has definately stepped up more and helps with things that before he would never do. good luck, i hope you find something that works for you

Meghan - posted on 03/08/2010

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I went through this exact same thing with my ex...the only difference was I did hold my son ALL the time. I felt when he was really young he needed it but it got to be such a habbit for my son that he couldn't soothe himself. He would scream and cry like the world was ending if I left for half an hour. So GOOD FOR YOU for letting your son learn some independence!! It isn't going to kill him not to be attachted to you. (I finally learnt that-the hard way!) And I agree with Krista, tell your fiancee to step it up and teach him. Dad's can't just have happy fun time with their kids, they need to learn to father aswell! Good luck and like I said way to go!

Analise - posted on 03/08/2010

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I love my son more than life itself, but I LOVE naptime. Every mom needs time for herself every day, otherwise we're gonna lose our ever loving minds! My husband has no idea how exhausting it is to take care of him every day. No worries girl! It's harder now to keep my kiddo in one place and out of things he shouldn't be in now that he's walking. If we don't put them down, I don't know how we'd get things done around the house. My hubby refuses to bathe our son too, he hasn't since he was like a few weeks old. He says it's because he thinks something bad is going to happen. I don't know! I wish you all the luck and if your man gives you problems, tell him to try doing what you do for a day since he can't last 20 minutes without you!

Rebecca - posted on 03/08/2010

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its never a bad thing not to hold your child all the time the more time they are playing and not in your arms the better they learn to do things on their own! I dont know how to help you with the dad thing I am with my son all the time i take him everywhere I go! I am a single mom I wish I could help ya there

Christine - posted on 03/08/2010

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There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting your baby down! You need a break and a baby needs to learn how to be independent. As for your fiance, maybe work something out where you could just go for a walk on your own or even just sit outside by yourself and he can take care of the baby. You definitely need your time away and can show him how to do everything. Hopes everything works out

Kirstin - posted on 03/08/2010

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Aww I really know what you are going through! It was the same when I had my first baby boy. Well I gave my husband instructions, and we did many things together and he had to learn how to handle the baby right. When I was out than everything worked, I never had my mobile with me - so that he had no chance he had to wait til I came home.

You want him to know what it is like to be alone with the baby- show him :) and enjoy your timeout - he can handle the situation for sure

And to your first question : No it is not bad not to hold your baby all the time



Wishing you the best

Kirstin

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