IS IT BAD NOT TO LET THE CHILD FATHER BE IN THE CHILD LIFE ?

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Duse1 - posted on 06/24/2015

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I have seen this many times.. A mom that does not get any help.. despises the child's father for not help and abandoning her with the mess.. But she does not realize that by with punishing the father she is in fact also punishing the child,, denying him the right to know his father is wrong.. there are supervised visitations if you are not sure how well that father can handle the child,,but the child deserves the right to know him.. and later to make his or her's own decision if they want to keep that relationship. ..
I could tell you many a stories of women that thought they were doing the right thing even keeping a child from their father.. One story where the man was a full time Drunk and it was easy to make him absent from the childs life.. going to far as to giving the child another man's name and acting like that was their biological father.. It came back to bite her in the BUTT.. the Step dad was not good either.. and they hated their mother for a time once they found out.. they said they were relieved it was not the step father that was their biological dad.. They resented being lied to and control-ed like that..
They did forgive their mother eventually,, and in adulthood started up a relationship with their real father.. it was a sad story I am not going into.. I begged her to tell the truth when they were children.. it was wrong.. and if their biological father amounts to anything at all.. it will come back on you as well.. One can not mess with life like that.. what a terrible secret to keep from a child any how.. I don't know how she did it..
Please if anything I tell you this story, so that you know how much this can affect a child.. I am not going to tell you who this woman is.. simply cause she is very close to me,, and I respect her even though she did wrong.. I mean people make mistakes.. and she had a rough life.. but you cant control another's life.. and that is what you are trying to do
God Bless. Good luck

Jodi - posted on 06/22/2015

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That's really sad - that you wish you'd had an abortion rather than have to deal with the father. I hope your child never knows that's how you feel :(

Michelle - posted on 06/22/2015

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There are ways to find people. Unless you are in a witness protection program, you can be found.
It's not worth losing custody of your child just to keep his Father out of his life. Not very wise or mature at all.
Think of your child rather than yourself and the bitterness you have for your ex. He was once good enough to sleep with and not use birth control and now you need to live with the consequences of that decision.

Dove - posted on 06/21/2015

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Do you have a court order only giving supervised visitations? If you have current court orders you MUST abide by them until you have gone to court to get them changed... You can request whatever you want and present whatever evidence you have, but the ruling is 100% up to the judge.

Unless you have a court order specifying otherwise you do not have to send food during his visitations, but in reality the only one that suffers in that case is your child (if your ex is not feeding the child). So I guess you have to determine what is really important to you... screwing w/ your ex or taking care of your child.

I'm shelling out $220 on Wednesday for my ex's plane ticket to come and pick up his kids for the first time in 2 years... Legally I do not have to do this as transportation is HIS responsibility (he paid for their tickets)... but the court order says that the kids can fly as unaccompanied minors and I know my son is nervous about flying... so I'm 'sacrificing' the money for the sake of MY child... because that is the type of thing a real mother will do.

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Raye - posted on 02/24/2016

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Erin, Good parents have to love their child more than they hate their ex, and learn how to co-parent together. If you don't have court orders for custody of your child, then he has as much right as you do. Visitation also has nothing to do with child support. If you wanted support, you should have filed for it with the state. And whether he pays or not would have very little (if any) bearing on whether a judge would grant him visitation rights. It's up to you on how you want to proceed with him, but maybe your daughter should get a say in whether she wants to know her real father.

Also, you should have posted this as a new conversation, and not as a reply on someone else's conversation.

Dove - posted on 06/22/2015

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And another 'oh' from me... while my entire marriage was a HUGE mistake and my ex and I were NEVER right for each other.... I don't regret a single second of our relationship because I got 3 amazing kids out of it... I guess that is one of the differences between making mistakes as a teenager and making them as an adult. As an adult you are mature enough to recognize the blessings that come from 'disaster'.

Grow up... please.... for the sake of your baby.

Dove - posted on 06/22/2015

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Old enough for sex... old enough to suck it up and deal w/ the consequences. If your ex knows your name.... guess what... he can find your address online (my ex did... I didn't mind him seeing the kids, but I did NOT want him at my house so I never gave him my address... and he showed up anyway). The father can also take you to court and then you could have a warrant out for your arrest if you do not show up... Want to go to jail for kidnapping?

When you make an adult decision (having sex and having a baby)... you no longer get to act like a kid. If this is the way you are going to be for your child... PLEASE put the baby up for adoption, so he/she has a chance to grow up to be a decent human being...

Michelle - posted on 06/22/2015

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FYI: I'm a moderator here, I didn't personally attack you.

Your friend?
"Yes I wish I would of had abortion I told that person not wouldn't listen to me he wasn't that good"

Okay, whatever you say.

Michelle - posted on 06/22/2015

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So that's why you have now changed your name? You must think we are stupid.

Michelle - posted on 06/22/2015

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I will also add that you are posting on a public forum, anyone can come on here and see what you are posting.

[deleted account]

Yes I wish I would of had abortion I told that person not wouldn't listen to me he wasn't that good

[deleted account]

How would the father get a hold of the person if the person don't give that person there new number to call

Jodi - posted on 06/22/2015

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"What if not getting child support and what if the child can't support the child"

I'm sorry, are you renting your child out? Your child is not a commodity. You don't get to withhold "use" of said child because "payment" is not made. That's simply not how it works. File for child support. But don't punish your CHILD because daddy isn't paying (just remember, your CHILD is entitled to a relationship with both parents).

No, you don't have to send diapers, wipes or food, BUT, what is this game you are playing with each other? The most important person here is the child. It appears neither of you are really focused on that. The only person you are hurting by deciding to take this position is the child. That child deserves a relationship with the father. Nothing you have said here indicates there is any reason he should not see his child, or he is in any way a danger to his child, so stop playing games.

"I have the right to tell the judge that was supervised visitation because my son don't know him"

By all means, you can request it, but there are no guarantees. If you march in demanding it, and start going on about how you shouldn't have to send diapers or food, or you shouldn't have to let him see his child because he isn't paying.....well you could be in for a shock. None of this is you thinking of the best interests of the child, but rather, your anger and bitterness at your ex.

Believe it or not, we all sacrifice things so our children can have a relationship with both parents. That's your job too. How about step up and be the bigger person?

Michelle - posted on 06/21/2015

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No, you don't have to send food with your child when he goes to his Father's but if you are concerned that your child won't eat otherwise then it's best to send food.
Like Dove said, the only person that will hurt by not sending food is your child.
I would suggest you go back to court and request a change. You have the right to request a change, not tell the judge what to do though. That won't look good for you.

Dove - posted on 06/21/2015

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Oh... and my ex owes over $32000 in back child support... and I really don't care.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/21/2015

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You have the right to REQUEST not to dictate. But, hey, demand all you want...and watch a judge deny your demands!

[deleted account]

I have right to not send anything with him my self and no body can make send food with his dad or other things

Michelle - posted on 06/21/2015

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Child support is a completely different issue to visitation.
Like the other ladies have said, you don't have the right to deny the Father seeing his child. You also can't tell the Father what to do when he has his child.
If you have proof that the Father is neglecting his child while in his care then take it to court. You have to have proof though.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/21/2015

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You don't get it. YOU don't have the right to tell him to do, or not do anything.

If he's got visitation orders, you have to send the child with him. Period. UNLESS HE IS A DANGER TO THE CHILD, it doesn't matter whether or not he has a job, or is paying support. As the other ladies have stated, those are separate issues.

Abide by your court orders.

[deleted account]

Will I have that right to tell him go buy his own food and diapers and wips cause I'm not providing it

Ev - posted on 06/21/2015

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If there are court orders in place he see the kids then you have to abide it regarless of paying.

Ev - posted on 06/21/2015

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Child support and visitation are different issues in custody and are treated as separate. Just because he does not pay or can not pay the support does not mean he can not have time with his child. Only if he is a danger to the child does he get supervised visits or none at all.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/21/2015

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Short answer: Yes. Longer answer: It is selfish, and self serving of the mother to treat her child as a possession to be granted access to or withheld from access depending on her menstrual mood swings, or despair that she made the 'wrong choice' by having consensual sex with someone she no longer 'likes'.

It is not up to the single mother to allow or deny a biological father the right to be a parent. That's a decision to be made in court, by a judge.

Jodi - posted on 06/21/2015

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Yes it is wrong. That's not your decision to make. That's why we have a family court. If the father is not going to be in the child's life, let it be either his decision or the court's, but you don't have that right.

Dove - posted on 06/21/2015

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it's not your place to keep the father out of the child's life. The ONLY time that is acceptable is if a judge has deemed him unfit and terminates all of his rights (custody AND visitation rights... as those are two different things).

If you have legitimate concerns about your child's well being in the presence of his/her father... bring your evidence to court and push for supervised visitations... Otherwise, your child has a right to know his/her father and the father has the right to BE a father.

Ev - posted on 06/21/2015

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Its not only bad but if you do no allow visitation or contact the father can exercise his rights in court and even go for visits up to getting custody if you withhold the child from him. Its not up to you to decide if a man should be in the child's life. A child has the right to have relationships with both parents no matter what is going on. Now if you feel the child's father is not safe with the child or would be a danger to the child in some way, get documentation to prove this in court so that visits can be arranged for supervised if the judge deems it so. I see so many posts on here where women decide that they do not want the fathers in the lives of the kids they have with them. A lot of the reasons are not even valid in a common sense sort of way from the way he might live, his new girlfriend or new wife, or just nick picky kinds of things. Some toss in drug use or other things that are dangerous to children but they say that they hear it from good sources or friends that know the both of them but that is not proof. Its so sad that kids have to suffer the choices of parents because each parent thinks the other is not good enough to be around the kids.

NOTE: This can also go the other way too. Men are now getting the chance to have primary custody and in that they might try to keep the kids from the mothers. I have seen this too. Been party to it in a way myself.

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