Is it better to stay single as a parent raising a young child?

Traci - posted on 10/04/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I think there is s oon thing to be said for a correlation between the health of a girl's relationship with her father, and the health of her adult relationships with men. I don't seem to chose good men, and fall deeply for the few bad boys I've been with. And I realize that I was looking for someone sub-par to fill the void of my own father rejecting me. He had money, but he was abusive and completely controlling. Then he died. So I have money and my freedom, and I love my single life! My daughter never really got close to him. He was too busy with his own selfish life. Now the two of us girls are independent and very happy. I am admittedly jaded, untrusting of men, and fall too easily, too deeply, too soon. I've had enough and know I am bad at relationships. I am physically attracted to men, but psychologically man-o-phobic. I love my freedom, love living life on my own terms, and love the relationship I have with my daughter. I am a great mom and she loves me to bits. She has all my time and affection. We've got it so good. I have started my own business. Very happy. Don't want a man, don't trust them anyways. I am female-centric and very independent. She doesn't need a dad. I am so much happier without a man, and one would steal my attention from my daughter. Isn't it possible that I am better off alone?

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Jodi - posted on 10/04/2014

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I disagree that we don't need men. We do need men, just not necessarily as long-term partners (although I do find it sad that you lack that particular ability). We need to demonstrate to our daughters that their relationships with men do not need to be dysfunctional, that they can be positive, that people can have happy long term relationships. We can be strong women and leaders and still have wonderful men as a major part of our lives.

Stop teaching your daughter men are unnecessary in her life. It is important for her to learn how to have a healthy relationship. It seems to me your attitude may be preventing that. What makes you think that she can't be a scientist or engineer if there is a man in her life? Surely you can teach her that she can actually balance both? Or maybe, because of YOUR past experiences, you can't.......in which case, address that.

Traci - posted on 10/04/2014

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She has many good male role models, good people, who think she's the shizzle. She has a very high self esteem and is loved by many.

She wouldn't want to share me with anybody. It's always been the two of us. I think she sees women as strong, independent, and as leaders. She wants to be a scientist or an engineer.

We are increasingly in a world where women don't need men, where people are together because they want to be...not because of the game of subordinates.

Jodi - posted on 10/04/2014

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I think a better question here is, does your daughter have positive male role models in her life? Uncles, male friends, any male that she can develop a trusting relationship with?

If you are depriving her of building a relationship with a significant adult male, you may actually be perpetuating the cycle of an inability to form a positive relationship with men.

I also am not sure about your dismissal of getting involved with a good man. Have you ever had counselling to work through your distrust? It would concern me that you you may also be passing on these attitudes to your daughter, and therefore preventing her from being able to develop some of those social skills you seem to have not developed. Some discussion with a therapist could help you sort through some of these concerns.

These issues will become particularly significant once she enters her teens.

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