Is it me or her?

Chanell - posted on 03/09/2014 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 10 and very bright, sociable and caring. I love how she is able to make friends where ever she goes. She amazes me at times on how quickly she is able to catch on and her drive to learn is incredible. BUT, and this is a big BUT, she does not listen. My baby is the type to do what she wants to do and suffer the consequences later. I wouldn't be so eager to fix this if she was younger because I know that she would eventually catch on and things would change but she is older now. Did I mention she is in 5th grade and next year she will be in middle school? Now do you see my concern? I can only imagine it will get worse. Growing up I was never perfect and I did do things I had no business doing but I was so afraid of my mom finding out what I did. I'd cover up all my tracks well before she could even think I was doing wrong. But like the good mother she was she knew something was up at least a fourth of the time. But remember I never tried her much, I was just too scared. I used to spank my daughter and put her on restriction. She is just too old to spank and frankly I hurt my hands when doing it. So I began to take things from her that I THOUGHT would really get her. I took the TV but that doesn't do much when she really isn't a TV kind of gal. I took birthday parties, extracurricular activities, and field trips away but I feel that dampers her social life and keeps her from having a let out. I recently took her iPod away for adding Kik (social media) for downloading it 3 times after I deleted twice. She is only 10 what does she need with Kik, Facebook, and instaragram or any other social media when she isn't responsible enough to have them. She was using foul language on there so I was really heated. I find that she has a very nonchalant attitude and I know she gets it from me. She really thinks outside of the box when it comes to her decisions and consequences. Quick story and I'll wrap this up. I should have known I was in trouble when she was 5. She has always been picky about where she eats. We were at a family function and there were cupcakes and just like any kid she begged me to have one I said not until she eats. I wrapped a cupcake up for her and she headed out early so I could feed her. We got home I sat the cupcake on the counter and I told her do not eat that cupcake until she ate dinner. I went to the bathroom and came back. Something told me to check the cupcake and all the icing was gone. I looked at her and said, "Didn't I tell you not to eat the cupcake?" Her response was, " I didn't, I licked the icing off." Smh! How am I to handle her if restriction and taking things from her doesn't work? I need some help. Is it her or me? What am I doing wrong? Is it a phase like anything else? How should I handle her from here on out?

Thank you,
Chanell

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Chanell - posted on 03/10/2014

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Thank you Karen,

You and Jodi have great advice. I thank you on saying I'm an amazing mom some times I need that reminder. I hope it's a phase but I'm sure that is wishful thinking. Lol. But I know that being consistent is best and I'm going to keep it up and do better with it. I rather her hate me now ( I know she doesn't) and thank me later. She is still a sweet kid but I still am going to lay down the law with my baby. Thank you so much.

Chanell - posted on 03/10/2014

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Hi Jodi,

I agree! I do think Tyler is a teen. I got that impression when he first replied.

I am going to take your advise. I am going to be consistent and mean business. I am pretty good at it but I can always improve the consistency part if if. I tend to feel a little guilty and let her slide a tad bit. Thank you so much. I'm on it.

Karen - posted on 03/09/2014

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This isn't a phase. This is downright intentional defiance. She is working on her "control" factor . If your daughter is anything like mine (14), it doesn't go away; it only continues to dazzle our mommy minds. All the child psychologists in the world can't help you fix the problem They almost make parents feel like they are doing something wrong, like we are letting them have whatever they want. They think we are spoiling or buying them too many things. We want our children to have the best we can give them, but then get told we are wrong..Then they begin a full-scale analysis on what the parents are doing wrong when it is part of the child's personality. She is just defiant. I would probably ask you if she is also lying to you more often. Once they get a taste of Mr. Internet - there isn't much you can do to keep them away from all the bad out there (other than locking them in a padded room until college). I would still take things away from her and keep doing what you are doing. It is not you. You sound like a truly amazing mom. Kids will be kids. She may be trying to get attention any way she can. She may be trying to fit in with some kids that aren't so good. It's impossible to narrow it down to one specific fix. What Jodi said about being consistent is right on. You have to be stronger than her, even if it gives you gray hairs. They try to wear us moms out. She is just 10 years old and I would love to give you a full positive answer if I haven't been living in a similar situation for years. I hope your daughter's issues are just a phase. In my case...years of trying everything from rewarding the positive behavior, taking things away...etc... being consistent... I am constantly amazed at the crap she pullls. She is 14 and I don't think she has been able to keep anything electronic for more than 3 days without it being taken away. Just love your daughter, parental control everything, keep being consistent and DO take those items away from her, monitor her friendships and keep being the amazing mommy you are.

Jodi - posted on 03/09/2014

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I think Tyler is a teen, not a parent, so I wouldn't listen to the advice given there.

With regard to going headlong into things without asking, and doing it her way, suffering the consequences after, I hear you. My daughter is like that. My son is the total opposite. She is just super headstrong and this seems to be the way she learns her lessons - the hard way. Just make sure there are consequences every time, and make sure they are consistent. As a teacher of young teens (as well as a mother), I can honestly say that CONSISTENT consequences are the way to go. If you are inconsistent, they take the risk. So basically, make it very, VERY, clear to her the first time what the consequences will be if there is a next time. Make it something logical, and make it something fair, but harsh enough for her to learn to stop and think twice. This will take time - until you are 100% consistent with your consequences, she might just push the boundaries, but once she learns that you will implement the agreed consequences EVERY single time, she may think twice before repeating her poor choices.

When she repeats this behaviour and it is time for consequences, begin with the question of what she thinks she is in trouble for, what was she thinking when she made this choice, and then ask her to recognise who she may have harmed by her behaviour and why. These are good reflective questions to ask when implementing consequences, and give the kids a way to explain themselves and be heard too.

User - posted on 03/09/2014

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I understand you don't want her to act this way it just a phase but there's not much you can do about if taking things away and any other punishment didn't work then there's nothing you can do you just hope it passes over

Chanell - posted on 03/09/2014

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Hi Tyler,

She is not mean to me. She knows better than that. But I can't just leave her alone she has to learn one way or another. I just want another way to handle it besides the way I have and just leaving her alone. Thank you.

User - posted on 03/09/2014

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Takeing things from her will just make her grow hatred for you don't mess with her leave her alone and she won't be mean to you

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