Is it normal for a father to look at his 11 year old daughter up and down.

Angela - posted on 06/24/2013 ( 24 moms have responded )

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My fiance loves his children. He's a good father. I noticed over time he has been looking at her body and Doing it like he has always looked at me up and down with a smile on his face. He looks at her like this off and on and he does it so she notices it. Shes 11 and doesn't seem to feel uncomfortable with him doing it. He shows affection to her lot of touching and shes always clingy to him. it could be that this happens because they only see each other every other weekend at times. He sometimes get to see his children more often. At times I notice he quickly moves away from her when I open the door or walk in a room they are both in. It could be he doesn't want me to be uncomfortable. But I'm nervous about this situation. I guess time will tell? He told me he is itimate with his daughter and that he knows the bounderies and that its not intimate like the both of us are. Uneasy about this. I don't want to think the worst about him. I love him very much. please comment! Thankyou!

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Marigona - posted on 06/28/2013

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Put some cameras on! Or leave your phonecamera recording where they stay, and go to take a shower or something that takes you away for more than 20 minutes... And find out

Lola - posted on 06/28/2013

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Yeah I understand what you mean when you say that and I can sympathise with what 11 year olds may be like, however if she's being abused she will not be enjoying that. It could have wide psychological ramifications in the future. Also, I think if you're the one who makes her feel comfortable enough to confide in she shouldn't "tell" her parents of you. You definitely need to keep an eye on it, camera or webcam would be the best evidence. If you get evidence it is impossible for you to come off as the "bad guy". Remember if this true it is better you found out now rather than later and this girls future would be better off because you spoke out for her.

Jennifer - posted on 06/28/2013

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im going to speak from expierience here. Odds are he is or is trying to be intimate in the EXACT same way he is intimate with you. She might just see it as her daddy loving her. Thats how i saw it when this happened to me and now im scarred for life. Dont make the same desicions my mom made get to the bottom of this quickly

Oceana - posted on 06/27/2013

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You should trust your instincts. If it makes you feel uncomfortable and you know him that means something is wrong. He may not be doing anything yet, but you could save that girl if he ia gonna do.something.

Penny - posted on 06/26/2013

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Follow your gut, your uneasy and uncomfortable and so that can mean one thing ... if he can do that to his own child you better get out now while you can. This is the one situation where I would use my head not my heart.

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Janette - posted on 06/30/2013

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Im sorry that this is so confusing to you. I endured the same thing between my step father and it started when I was 12. It made me uncomfortable and I told my mother but she didn't believe me and I had to endure 2 more years of it getting increasingly obtrusive. Finally he crossed the line with my little sister and my mother got us away from him. It was the easiest decision and hardest thing she ever had to do at the same time. My sister passed away 4 years ago after becoming an alcoholic, prescription pill addict and suffering multiple abusive relationships. I believe she never fully recovered from the things our father put her through. I have had hard times but didn't get it nearly as bad as she did. Now my mother and I don't get along and it breaks my heart. My father got 5 years for child molestation and sodomy but got nothing for sexually harassing me for 2 years. At the very least hire a counselor or therapist to assess the situation or lives could be damaged.

Motherjournalist4Him - posted on 06/30/2013

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No: "To make her feel good about herself" may be his attempt to deflect you off the path of the truth, but this does NOT sound like normal healthy nurturing of a child's self esteem.

Motherjournalist4Him - posted on 06/30/2013

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One can only HOPE that she would tell someone if he is touching her inappropriately. Victims do not always tell......You are wise to be cautious and watch this. So sorry for the stress you must feel. I will pray for you right now. God bless you.

Angela - posted on 06/28/2013

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What if she tells her father or mother I talk to her about them touching . i am a little nervous of being the bad guy and them turning on me and not believing me. Shes 11 and enjoying the attention how do you go around that? I did call an incest and rape agency and they said to continue to keep an eye on them both. They need more evidence. They are suspicious also. Thankyou for commenting. I'm afraid Shelby would run straight to her dad or mom do you think she would?

Lola - posted on 06/28/2013

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Hi Angela, this really is not normal. I have some experience in child protection and can tell you this has the usual warning signs. You need to speak to the daughter alone at the earliest opportunity, preferably without dad even in the house (perhaps when he goes to the shop or something?). Reassure her that it is a safe environment to speak and you will not tell her dad but that you suspect something is going on that perhaps shouldn't be and you just want to be here for her. Don't make promises not to tell anyone because if she does disclose sexual abuse to you, you need to do the right thing and report it straight away. I know this is upsetting for you also but you cannot ignore your instinct. Parental love and attention is completely normal, but when it becomes un-nerving or when he uses phrases such as "intimate" then you need to protect the child, and yourself. I know you may feel loyalty to him but he may be sexually abusing his child (and may abuse other children for that matter). Do not put this to the back of your mind. xx

Enna - posted on 06/27/2013

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I don't think you need to automatically assume he's molesting her. If they are making you uncomfortable, then talk to them about it. I would talk to them separately, little girl first. I would say tell them that some of the ways that they look at each other and touch each other makes you uncomfortable, and ask what's going on. (Though it sounds like you did have some sort of conversation about it with him).
If you are happy with the conversations, then I wouldn't worry about it. If not, call Child Services. A hidden camera would be a good idea too, if you can get away with it.
People have different kinds of relationships with their kids. As long as it's not unhealthy it should be ok. I had plenty of friends whose parents were different with them than my parents were with me. Some of them walked around their house naked, even in high school. It was weird to me, but to them it was no big deal.
However, child abuse is a BIG DEAL. So if you're not sure, then find out what's going on ASAP.

Teresa - posted on 06/27/2013

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My dad used to look at me that way and no one knew how uncomfortable it made me because I didn't ow it was wrong, after all he's the grown up and is the one teaching me what's right and wrong so he know more, right. Or at least that's what I thought. He did end up molesting me and if it hasn't happened to you then you have no idea how damaging it is. Please take a risk and protect that little girl. She may have no one else that sees this.

Eiling - posted on 06/26/2013

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Those are signs that this little girl is being molested. Clinging to him is a sign of child molestation. She probably has been molested several times so pretends/feels it's normal. Some times children that has been molested, crushes on their molester, but they don't know any better. Try making her feel comfortable enough to talk to you. Let her mother know that you're feeling uncomfortable or get a spy cam like another person said. Please do that girl a favor and get some help.

Jessica - posted on 06/26/2013

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If anything you need to take the daughter somewhere like a restaurant away from him walking in and have a long long talk with her about him and what to do if any man did that you let her talk too let her tell you about boys she likes at school let her get comfortable with talking to you about stuff so if that ever happens she will let you know. I talk to my daughter about perverts and how no one should touch her and she is only 5.I want her to be comfortable with talking about embarrassing stuff so she will never be a victim of a sex pervert

Jessica - posted on 06/26/2013

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Heck no that dude is molesting your daughter get that mf out your house. You need to talk hard with your daughter and let her know you are not mad at her. Kids are scared to tell there mom stuff like that because they think they will be in trouble. Even if your daughter is going along with it doesn't mean she wants it maybe he is hanging something over her headmaking her think you will be mad if he tells what ever it is. I know you love that man but for your daughter you need to let go quick she's a kid he is a man he knows what he is doing and its not right. She may not have a strong enough backbone to stand up for herself yet

A - posted on 06/25/2013

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That is not normal. If he has to immediately move away from her and specify stuff to you so you don't feel uncomfortable then he is trying to cover his ass. Don't ignore these signs- there is no reason he should be looking at a child like this- ever!

Wendy - posted on 06/24/2013

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don't ignore your gut its telling you there's something wrong here......

Wendy - posted on 06/24/2013

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listen to your gut its talking to you........my mum ignored it many years ago because she questioned herself........don't ignore this

Dove - posted on 06/24/2013

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'Eyeballing' his preteen with the same smile he has when he 'eyeballs' his fiance, saying he is intimate with her (and having to specify that it's not the same intimacy as with you), moving away quickly when you enter the room.... None of those things are a good sign. I don't care if he only sees her once a year... or lives with her full time. Those are red flags. Showing lots of affection and her being clingy 'could' just be because they don't see each other that often, but added into the rest of your op... those can also be red flags of sexual abuse.

Angela - posted on 06/24/2013

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I apologize its his daughter. And since hes divorced they have joint custody of coarse. Could he be just wanting her to feel good about herself?

Angela - posted on 06/24/2013

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The child is his daughter. I will be more alert and make some decisions. You don't think he is just showing her a lot of affection? Because he doesn't see her often. He sees his children every other weekend sometimes he gets to keep them more often.

Dove - posted on 06/24/2013

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That has red flags screaming up and down all over the place. Are you close to the daughter or have a working relationship with her mother? That would creep me the heck out and if you don't already have kids with the man... I would NOT be getting pregnant by him.

If his actions are making you nervous... it's either because something IS going on... or because you don't trust him for other reasons. Please get to the bottom of this. Perhaps talking to a counselor about it all can help you sort out what you need to do.

BeeNear - posted on 06/24/2013

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Get your daughter away from him NOW. Your gut instinct is correct. He is WRONG. Your daughter is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT that this man. No man should be looking at a child in "that" way.

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