Is it normal for a new dad to not want to spend time with his wife and child?

AS - posted on 07/07/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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It's not that my husband doesn't want to be with our son, he adores our little man. But he seems to want to be a father and husband when it's convenient. He often chooses to spend his free time playing video games, sleeping or going out, leaving me to take care of the baby and house all day and night. I've tried talking to him about it, but he just gets angry at me and says I'm trying to make him feel guilty for having time to himself. I've tried explaining that I need time to myself as well, and the more time he spends to himself, the more time I'm "working."

By the way, I'm a stay at home mom and he works a very demanding job with long hours. Having me stay home was mutual ( I used to work a demanding job with long hours--- and made just enough money to break even when it came to the cost of daycare) It just made more sense to our family to have me stay home.

I don't know if he's starting to resent the fact that I'm not working, or if it's something else? I have been wanting to work from home, unfortunately, with him not being around very much, I don't have time to pursue that.

I guess my question is--- is he just adjusting to how different his life is now and will eventually come around, or is this a problem?

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Stifler's - posted on 07/08/2012

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NO it will only get worse if you don't air your feelings and make plans of your own like going out or doing what you want as a career and making it work. The more you just accept that he is having time to himself and wait for him to come around the more freedom he has and will not understand the responsibility he has. I'm not saying he should never go out but there should at least be times where you are free to go out too or you spend time as a family. As a new dad Damo was around always it's only now that we're both starting to go off and do things with our own friends a bit more.

Elfrieda - posted on 07/08/2012

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It's probably both: it's a horrible shock (to some people) to realize that you basically have no free time to do anything fun when you first have a baby, and to grieve for that is understandable. However, he needs to deal with it and step up and take the extra responsibility, or it's a problem. If he's improving slightly every few days, I wouldn't say anything because he's working through it himself and coming to peace with the situation, but if he's just avoiding the topic and making you do all the extra work, you'll need to have some serious discussions and help him face it, because we all know families where the dad doesn't contribute anything except money, and I think nobody wants to go there but it's always a danger.

Louise - posted on 07/08/2012

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No he is being very selfish. You should share down time together and at least try and go out as a couple every now and again. He may work a demanding job but so do you. There is nothing wrong with him going out once a week with his mates but you get the same down time too, where he has to be home to baby sit. As for the video games, he can do that when your in bed, or doing something else it does not have to be when the baby is awake or you have just got time alone together.

If you want to go out to work then go, childcare costs get cheaper the older your child gets and more affordable. If you want to work then do so or you will resent the time that you are trapped at home whilst your husband walks in and out your childs life.

I think this is become a serious problem if you dont get is sorted. You will resent the fact that he can do what he likes when he likes and that you have to cater for your childs every need. I can tell you that, that will never change, it will be you organising day care, taking him, picking him up and still doing all the household chores. Nothing will change there. What you do have to change is your husbands attitude! This is a problem you need to hit head on. He has to realise that you need support and a break too.

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