Is it ok for my husband drink?

Krissie - posted on 04/04/2012 ( 24 moms have responded )

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I'm a part-time working mom, my husband is a full time working dad. I work 2 days a week at night, for the most part every time I call home on my break my husband has been drinking, I call and can tell by the sound of his voice. I ask him have you been drinking? he says yes! then I ask him how much? he says just a few 2-3. I don't like it when he drinks while he watches our son when I at work. I always tell him my thoughts about it over and over again, it seems to me that he doesn't see it in my point of view. We are always fighting about it to the point it blows up to bigger fights almost ending our relationship. He always tells me it's not that big of a deal and that I need to relax and stop giving him "S**t" about it (as he puts it). As A mother I feel that it's my job to protect my son and do all that I can to see that he gets the proper care that he needs and deserves. I love both my son and husband very much I wouldn't want to lose any of them. I just don't know If im in the right to be fighting with him over this or if I'm just a little paranoid and actually really do need to relax. Any advice or opinions would be great.

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Johnny - posted on 04/04/2012

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It depends whether he is impaired or not. If he would be unable to handle a situation appropriately, it is a problem. If he just has a couple and he can handle his alcohol, then no big deal. Although the fact that you can pick up on it in a phone call leads me to think he's probably doing it too much.

Sherri - posted on 04/04/2012

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I have drank on occasion while caring for my kids. As long as he isn't drunk I don't see the problem in it.

Heather - posted on 04/05/2012

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By the way, professionals who do addiction evaluations are much smarter than you are giving them credit for..... Your husband would not just lie his way out. Do some research and find a credible professional in your area. And if by some chance that does happen, then you just keep going to counseling for yourself anyway. Either way, you are much better off than you are now.

Heather - posted on 04/05/2012

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Krissie,



I stumbled upon this circle of friends group and joined just so I could reply to your post. I felt the need to do that because your description of your husband reminds me EXACTLY of what my husband did. Like you, I was a social and occasional drinker, and I questioned my own judgement because he always told me I needed to just chill out, it was no big deal. But the fact that you are posting here looking for advice shows me that you already know it IS a big deal. Do not be scared to trust your heart, and know that your husband telling you that you are the one with the problem, not him, is his attempt at manipulating you, and that comes with the disease of alcoholism. It took me YEARS to figure this out, this was after I tried every possible thing I could think of, some of which others have suggested to you on this posting in good intentions of course, but nothing will work because you don't control him and you can't fix HIS problems--he has to. You cannot count beers, hire a sitter, continue arguing, become the 'beer police.' All that will do is muddy the waters--believe me. The problem is him, not you. Please, please, please get some counseling. Try Al-anon, they are free and WONDERFUL. Do NOT let the stigma associated with this dissuade you from going. Trust me. I would also recommend the book "Codependent no more" by Melody Beatie and "No more letting go" by Debra Jay. These books changed my life. Pray about this every day and LISTEN to God. Trust that He will guide your heart, and don't be scared of what He shows you! Get some support, do some research, and STOP trying to control your husband.



Please message me if you want to talk more :)

Brooke - posted on 04/05/2012

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Dear, he is on the path to being an alcoholic. I am sorry but it is true. You need to get help. Fast. This is only going to get worse. He claims that you are trying to stop him from "living" simply because you want him to slow down on the beer? That is a giveaway sign. First, you need to come to the truth your self. Take a look at this quiz. Answer truthfully. I hope it helps. http://alcoholism.about.com/od/tests/l/b...

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Dana - posted on 03/21/2013

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I myself went through all of that when my son was little. My husband and I have been together for 20 years. I have gone through the worrying of being at work and knowing he was drinking at home with the baby. I also remember the never coming home when our son was a newborn until 3 am no phone calls no nothing. I have been fighting with him along time about drinking its never ending. I was always told "I work thats all I do and I do it for you". we have gone through dwi's (2) , jail time, drunk tanks. The one thing I regret was not leaving him right then and there. Instead I have a son who cant stand to be near his dad. I know now that drinking will always be his first priority, not the kids or you.

Gail - posted on 12/26/2012

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I'm having similar issues. My husband has always been "on" something. When we first got together we partied alot together. When I got pregnant obviously I quit. For a few years, I would still relax with him after bedtime or when we had a sitter. Often times he would not come straight home from work, and when he did, he had been drinking. Some of those times, I wouldn't see him till late at night, maybe the next morning. (It wasn't a issue of another woman, just wanting to party with his friend) We have had wrecked vehicles and unexplained injuries. I would fight with him and it would get really bad. We've worked hard to get past the worst of it. He has cut down to being on one thing. When one becomes a serious problem that he recognizes, he puts it down only to pick another back up. So, he's started drinking again, and sneaking it. He says he sneaks it only because I make a big deal about it. But if he lets me know ahead of time, I can prepare myself and deal with a drink or two. The drinking was a major problem for the both of us, as he doesn't control himself. The other night I noticed he was acting strange, but I tried not to use my "hawkeye" and trust that he would have told me, so he must just be in a really good mood. But all the tells were there, so I asked. I got upset, I told him when his friend came over that I would be if he drank. So he just didn't tell me. I take this as lying. I've quit doing anything. So maybe I've just become a fun hater. I say I just get worried about what might happen. I think I will check out alanon. Thanks

Rhonda Diorio - posted on 09/29/2012

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yes we do need to protect our children and i feel if a dad cant put down the drink to take care of his child then what means more to him ,,,,i dont think you need to relax i think you will not relax untill the drinking stops...tell him its fine if he has a few when your home ,,but you need him to be alert for your child and he needs to respect that ...or he can get a 2nd job and you can stay home with your lil boy...anyhow thats how i feel i myself am in the mist of a very nasty divorce due to him being a drinker,,my x2b has ony been around 3 times to see our son and now wants overnites ,,,i am so scared he may get the judge to say yes ,,his lawyer is married to a judge,,my husband has a record of drinking and driving a record i did not even know about till after we were married,,and then i found out because he got in2 more trouble and was while i was pregnant,,i could go on ,,sorry i am just very scared,,need help i have no clue who is above a judge who i can go to...please nip it in the bud now for you and your child dont let it go,, one drink two drinks three drinks more,,,itsssss not ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rhonda Diorio - posted on 09/29/2012

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HI i am so sick worried upset i am scared...my x husband 2b is a big drinker this is why he soon will be my X,,,my problem is we have a 3 year old son the most beautiful lil boy ,,my husband wants overnights with him , he has a record that goes on and on all the way back as far as 1983, i did not know this till after we were married drugs drinking driving and such ,,he spent over 7 months in jail for hitting his brother over the head with a gun,he was only out 2 months b4 we had our baby,,the judge said if he so much as spit on the sidewalk he was back in jail for 9 years,,3 months after our son was born he smashed in2 a cop car drunk cop went to the hospt. he did no time at all ...ok where am i going with this my husbands lawyer is married to a judge,,,,,and gets away with just about everything ,,,where do i go who can i talk to who is bigger than a judge....i dont know what i will do if i have to let my lil boy go with him alone....my husband has only seen my son 3 times in over a year,,he tells me he still loves me and he better never catch me with anyone,,i think he is doing this to get back at me for not wanting to stay with him ,,but tell that to a lawyer they could careless...i have a good lawyer but she is not married to a judge,,,,any clue what i can do scared mommy,,please dont mind if this is all over the place i have been crying 4 hours,,,,

Marketa - posted on 04/06/2012

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As long as he stays to the couple of drinks it is ok. If he does become totally drunk and unable to look after your son, it is a problem

Tracie - posted on 04/05/2012

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If you can tell he's been drinking, he's had too much. Next time, count the beers in the house when you leave & when you come back. That will tell how many he's actually drinking, so when he says 2, you can say actually it was 5. And how old is your son? If he's under age 4, there should be NO drinking, in my opinion. Kids are just too quick, impulsive and curious at that age and must be watched like a hawk at all times by and adult who is stone cold sober. Good luck.

Bonnie - posted on 04/05/2012

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One or two is fine, but after that, I feel it is asking for trouble. If when you speak to him over the phone, you can tell he has been drinking than he has had too many in my opinion.

Erin - posted on 04/05/2012

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As long as he is not drunk, a few beers is okay. But if its noticeable over the phone then it might be a problem.

Krissie - posted on 04/05/2012

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I thank everyone for their advice! I just want to be sure that there may be a problem before I approach him about this, it's not an easy situation.



I like to have drinks myself, however never when I have my son

Krista - posted on 04/05/2012

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That's got to be so frustrating. I'd be half-tempted to hire a sitter for those nights when he's alone with your baby, just to prove a point that he's not responsible enough to be left alone with a helpless child. That would probably only make things worse, though...



I would definitely suggest al-anon, then. They might have some tips and tricks to get him to see reason.

Krissie - posted on 04/05/2012

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I agree 100% he isn't an alcoholic but he does like to have some beers everyday for the most part, after work, its not always is he "sloppy" but it isn't rare either. More then not when I ask if he can drive me somewhere his response is " i've been drinking I can't drive " (I just finally got my license at 29, so I can't drive by myself unless I have a G driver in the car with me). Well!!!!!! LOL! His dad drinks everyday to, his friends....well they are always on his side, my dad is actually a recovering alcoholic and has had talks with him, buuuut he doesn't listen. Although he doesn't drink as much as he used to before we had our son, it's only been recently in the last 4 weeks that he has started back drinking everyday again, because the warmer weather is here. I have mentioned to him that I believe he drinking to much lately and his response is " why? because I like to have a few beers? you need to relax!". He has me convinced that I'm crazy, I complain to much, I nag and I stop him from living life, and blah blah blah.

Krista - posted on 04/05/2012

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I would be concerned, Krissie. For starters, his defensiveness makes me think that he CAN'T give it up.



And there's nothing wrong with having a beer every day. My husband usually has one every day when he gets home from work, just to unwind. I sometimes do as well. But at no point does he get sloppy or impaired. A "few" drinks after work really IS too damn much. It can't be much fun for you if he's half-stupid every frigging evening. And frankly, if he can't relax without getting half shitfaced, then that's a serious concern as well.



Besides, he may deserve to relax, but your baby deserves to be cared for by a parent who has their wits about them.



Unfortunately, I don't think he's going to listen to a damn word you say, because he's got it in his mind that you're just being a nag.



Is there another male in his life who could say something to him? His dad? Yours? A friend? Perhaps if you could arrange for one of them to be over for dinner or something, and they see how much your husband drinks, they might say something to him privately.



You may also want to consider calling Al-Anon. I know you don't believe your husband is an alcoholic, and he very well might not be. But his drinking, and his refusal to cut down, IS causing a major rift in your marriage. They might have some good ideas on how you can approach him in a way that he will listen.

Krissie - posted on 04/05/2012

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He's not abusive by any means, that's not at all the issue. Now that the warmer months have been approaching he has been drinking everyday for the last 4 weeks and yes!! he does drink when I am home also. He's not a bad "drunk" however he is "sloppy" when he has a few. When he's watching our son whether i'm at work or out, I'm nervous and scared that he might get to sloppy and our son won't get the proper care that he needs, or if our son is sleeping, he gets to sloppy passes out and can't hear the monitor if something should happen, also if an emergency were to occur he would not be able to drive and it would look bad on us as parents. He is a great dad always does what he has to, loves our son dearly again , that's not the issue its the drinking when I'm not home to be there for our son when he can't. As I said I have talked to him about this many many times he keeps telling me to relax stop giving him "s**t" about it, that he works all day outside and he deserves to have a few drinks after work and tons of fathers do it everyday. He's a great husband and father! He won't drink during the day only at night around dinner time when he's in for the night and doesn't need to drive anywhere.

Grammy - posted on 04/05/2012

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I am 75 yrs old and believe me I have seen it all,he is on his way to being an alkoholic. First he drinks at home alone.Then he get angry at you and then he denies he is drinking to much. Get help or it will get worse,good luck.

Krista - posted on 04/05/2012

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I would be annoyed -- absolutely.



I would say that I don't mind if he has a beer, or even two. But that he really needs to cut it off there, because what if something happens to your son, and your husband has to deal with an emergency? It would look pretty damn bad if your husband had to take your son to the hospital in a cab, and the nurses and doctors can tell that he's impaired.



It's one thing if he did this once in awhile. Heck, once in a blue moon my husband and I will open up a bottle of wine while our son is sleeping and get a little silly. But if he's doing this pretty much EVERY time you work nights, and if it's enough that you can hear it in his voice, then that's not good. Most people can have one or even two drinks and you can't tell. But if he's drinking enough that you can hear it in his voice, then he probably IS rather impaired.

Brooke - posted on 04/05/2012

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Unfortunatly we don't have enough information to offer any really meaningfull advice. Let me put a few questions to you. Does he drink when you are home? If so how much? Do you feel that he has a prooblem? If the answers to all of thoes is no then perhaps offer an alternative, for imstance sugest that if he can remain sober on the nights you aare working he can have one night per week to go relax with friends. This way he has something to look forward to.

Beeing a parent as you know can feel sometimes like you are losing your identity as a person aknd are becoming nothing but a parent. I think everyone needs some time to decompress now and again, but it is important to do so in a constructive way.



If he does have a problem with alcohol you may need to inlist help and perhaps put together an intervention. This is a tricky situation and I do not envy you. I was there once. The father would not get help and I eventually had to do what was best for my child and myself.

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I'd be pissed, but I'm 100% against alcohol anyway so I don't exactly have an objective opinion. ;)

Elfrieda - posted on 04/04/2012

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I would set a limit, 2 beers max. That way he can relax and watch the game or whatever, but you can trust that he's not drunk. If my husband couldn't go 2 nights without drinking, I'd be turning to some professional help. But I can see how he might consider it a "free night" because he's home alone and the baby's sleeping.

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