Is it okay for my boyfriend of 2 years son calls me 'mom' if his Bio-mom is basically a dead beat?

Mariah - posted on 03/13/2013 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I've been involved with my bf for two years now. His son was 3 when I met him(5 now) and called me mom a couple of times by accident and I corrected or he corrected himself I'm not sure. 2 years later and his mom is a deadbeat she gets him every other weekend and owes around thousands in child support and has never helped with anything and also has made up lies and manipulated her child- IN FRONT OF US! telling him she was going to get papers to take him away from his dad. Anyways, she's just crap honestly (of course I do not say that to the child!!) At what point, if at all is it okay for him to call me "mom" we have full custody and his father and I always take care of everything he needs. If he calls me mom, should I correct it? should I just say, thats okay you can call me mom, some people have two moms? what do I say and what do I do? I know 2 years doesn't seem long, but I have no doubt these two are the loves of my life and I want to be with them forever, and I've already been through hell and back with the ex being a crazed, manipulative, liar who is also mentally and financially unstable(personally, it is not healthy for the child but being as she will only see him 4 days a month..) also, in this case that she TRULY is mentally and financially unstable how much do you think this will affect the child throughout his life :/ she also misuses drugs,moves around a lot with diff men, and is basically WORTHLESS(I know its still his mom, though) but my biggest concern is she truly truly has something wrong in her head. Some sort of behavioral/emotional/personality disorder ... How do you think this will affect the child? Is there anything wrong with him calling me mom if I explain some people have two and daddy and I take care of him, etc? if he accidentally calls me mom, just say that's okay he can call me that because I kinda am like a mom to him?

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Jodi - posted on 03/15/2013

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I think this a choice the child has made. If he wants to call you mom, he shouldn't be made to feel bad for what is essentially his decision. You don't need to say anything. I would stop correcting him, but you also don't need to actively tell him he may call you mom. If he just happens to use that term, just respond accordingly, and don't make a big deal out of it either way. This way, it becomes entirely his choice and what he feels comfortable with.

Elisha - posted on 03/25/2013

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Very much so. Keep on the straight and narrow, people aren't complete fools, even little kids. Keep your promises and always tell the truth, provide comfort and a complete safe haven. Lay down rules that aren't to be broken, and make sure the discipline is even and has appropriate weight, and you'll be the best parents around. Even if one side of the equation is weird, kids who have at least one stable element find a good foot to put down. Be that kid's rock, and stay the course you're on!

Ev - posted on 03/13/2013

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This is something that needs to be discussed with his parents. You said dad is your boyfriend and so that does not make you even his step mom just yet. I know it tears you apart to see this situation but thee is not much you can say or do about it. Its his father's place to do anything if at all and the custody belongs to his dad at this point.

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Mariah - posted on 03/25/2013

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Elisha, well we do all that so far so that's good news! :) Thanks for the encouragement, I feel like I should frame that to look at if she continues to try and tear us down every chance regardless of what we do, we always get smacked continually..doesn't matter what we do to help, given money, accommodated her (too much actually) haven't pressed legalities for unpaid support ( she did not even attempt to TRY and pay.. she never said anything or even tried), let her see him more than she was supposed to, bent over backwards for years( the things are pretty ridiculous actually) so the child is NOT her priority but she definitely tries to "claim" that he is!( I am sure others can relate to the situation) but we STILL get smacked around regardless of what we do for her.. so time to be considerate and do what is right but no more being a doormat..if she cant make her son a priority that is her problem..I think she is so unhappy and insecure like a bully who wants to ruin everyone else...just have to keep doing what we are..I just keep telling myself to take the high road regardless and we will be blessed. Thank you!!! :) I'm copying and pasting your comment.

Mariah - posted on 03/25/2013

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Elisha, I agree 100% .. I don't want to "claim" to be his BM because I'm not!! Lol ..she truly is very awful and trashy, and has some serious issues....but it's still his mom. I just hope one day he doesn't get sucked into their manipulation circle of lies, that's my biggest concern. However, I think he will learn on his own...hopefully, I pray so. Its actually very scary stuff :/...we never talk bad about her in his presence. A child needs to live in a perfect world and not get their childhood stolen away. I will have to check out that list!! Timing is everything, if it comes a time where he asks about it maybe it will feel right, idk. We will see. Regardless, when he grows up he will see who was really there for him..surely? Like I said, my biggest fear is he will get swept up in their crazy manipulation and lies and will be sucked in. That's what happened to my bf, he was young and naive and couldn't see.

Mariah - posted on 03/25/2013

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Oh, wow Jodi that's interesting! I see both sides of it, I would never make the child call me that but like you said I feel like they should call you whatever they want, respectfully of course lol. And I think it can be sad that people frown upon being called 'mom' just because you are not married if you are basically married anyway and ARE more involved and are more of a PROPER MOTHER FIGURE. However, a stable and long-term relationship is important!!Society is weird sometimes so I see both ends of it because sometimes society overrules when it shouldn't, but if he ever decided to call me that I would make SURE he knows I'd be "step" and his mom is of course his mom, too. I guess I would feel bad my child calling someone else mom, but then again if the child wanted to - forcing them to do what you want because of jealousy or insecurities is wrong and just cause more damage... I sometimes think adults make a bigger deal out of it than the children do... Do I think God sees me as his mom? Yes. But society is different.. What feels comfortable for the child is most important, like I said I think we make more of a big deal out of it than kids do!

Elisha - posted on 03/25/2013

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His mom IS still his mom, but that doesn't mean that you can't have a special name. Mom can be her, and you can be Ma, Mama, Mother, etc. I think that regardless of step vs. biological, in blended families there should be a way to say you still care about somebody without over stepping a line. If my husband and I ever split and he starts seeing somebody else, I'm ALWAYS going to be mom...that being said, if she cares about my kids and they feel like being close to her and want to call her something to say that they love her and want her love back, they can choose from any other of the official "mom" names without stepping on my toes. Here's a list of Mom in different languages, maybe something on here tickles your fancy!

http://www.mothersdaycelebration.com/mot...

Regardless of how bad a person you think she is, and she may be absolutely genuinely trashy and awful, that kid needs to know that there's a difference between the two of you in this subtle way.

Jodi - posted on 03/25/2013

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Common law marriage (de facto) is 2 years here. I guess that's why I don't see any problem with it.

Mariah - posted on 03/25/2013

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Oh yes I was saying it WOULD be different if we were together longer as well. Yes, I believe you are correct with common law marriage being 7 years in some places. Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/25/2013

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Right, but you have not been together 10 years. You never know what will happen. Marriage (yes I know divorce happens plenty) is a bit more permanant than being a bf/gf. And at 7 years in many states, you are considered common wealth marriage or something like that.

Mariah - posted on 03/25/2013

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Right, I completely understand, I'm not planning on that but it's just being realistic even though I really don't think that will happen, but The poor child has more on his plate from his BM manipulating him and telling him to tell us about legal stuff so he can spend more time there? Along with previously telling him she is getting papers to take him away and making a big deal of things when sometimes you do not need to to the child! Let them live in their perfect world while they can! Hard to believe the BM is older than I and acts so foolish! But yes I can completely understand, I do not want to make the boy confused, especially hearing such things from his BM. My boyfriend and I won't be getting married for a long time, if at all. It's sad to think that 'marriage' to some people determine so much, which is understandable but sometimes I think it has 'too much emphasis' as if we were together 10 years without getting married we might as well be lol if that was the case and he wanted to call me that, I may let him but obviously not speak of it beforehand. But you're right, I can have a mother/ son relationship and technically be like another mom without being called that. I'm kind of wavering on the topic, but maybe it won't even get brought up again.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/25/2013

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I just wanted to add, the reason I am saying not to let him call you that yet is because what if your relationship does not work? That would be much more difficult for the child.

Mariah - posted on 03/25/2013

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Okay thank you for the input! I agree her behavior is a separate issue. We don't want him to forget about his mom we've actually gone above and beyond to make sure of that. I am young and not very used to these situations which is why I am seeking out and appreciate everyone's opinions that are not rude. Of course I didn't bring up the 'mom'thing I just was unsure how to handle it if it came up again. Thank you. We are all learning along the way

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/24/2013

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And of course, the mom being a hot mess is going to effect the child.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/24/2013

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oh..yeah....kinda missed the part that you are not even married. Yeah....I take back what I said. I just re read....and no it is inappropriate for them to call you mom. You are not. You are the girl friend, and I am sure you love them, but reserve that title for when you are a step mom.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/24/2013

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Ok, you have 2 very separate issues here, and they have nothing to do with one another. The fact that the bio mom is less than stellar has nothing to do with them calling you mom. It is how you have made them feel. You are a mother figure to them clearly. It is really all about comfort level. Talk to the bio dad, and see how he feels about it, and then talk to the kids. If the bio dad is ok with it, you can talk with them and let the know you are ok with them calling you mom...but don't let them forget about the bio mom. Just because she is a hot mess does not mean she does not love them, even if her actions speak the opposite. Never talk badly about the mom in front of them...PERIOD there is no reason for that. Good luck.

Mariah - posted on 03/24/2013

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Well, considering I am more of a mother than his mentally unstable, drug using mother it's not just a simple regular NORMAL case. I get what you're saying but there is also no reason to be rude. I agree with Jodi .just don't say anything nor make a big deal of it. It may be that he wants to

Mariah - posted on 03/13/2013

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Thank you for your input, I appreciate it. I'm hoping her mental problems won't have too much affect on him as well. I've seen similarities between her and my own sister (whom lost custody of her children) so it's kind of scary seeing so many similarities and constant manipulation and lies. I will not say anything to the child, just wondering how to approach it when it comes up. Thank you, again

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