Is it okay if I don't want my daughters father seeing her?

Yesenia - posted on 03/19/2015 ( 29 moms have responded )

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Everytime my daughters father comes over he's always verbally abusive towards me and he's even hit me once while she was looking(btw my daughter is 6 months). He's always putting me down because I went to court for child support and refuses to buy her anything. Ever since she was born all he has bought her was an outfit and a toy but that's all. He comes to visit maybe three times a month to see her and I don't want her growing up thinking it is okay for a man to come and go as they please. I've been having to pay for her all on my own while I'm paying to go to school but he thinks it's okay to call me lazy and call me names infront of her. I would just like some advice on what to do

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Dove - posted on 03/20/2015

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You need to get a lawyer and go to court. Regardless (hehe) of how he treats you he has a right to a relationship w/ his child... just as much as you do. Gather your evidence about the violence and push for supervised visitation since she is so little and can not speak up about what might happen, but she has a right to see him and YOU need to not be around him.

If he takes off w/ the kid (by maybe knocking you out when he comes to visit...?) or takes you to court... you WILL be the one fighting to keep your child. That's just how it works.

Just to let you know... my ex flat out admitted to the judge that he had raped me in the past and he still immediately got unsupervised visitations w/ our daughters because he had never done anything to them. So what you WANT to happen and what WILL happen... can be completely different things.

Jennifer - posted on 03/20/2015

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That is certainly not ok perhaps if there is a visitation order in place you can ask the judge about him having his visits elsewhere a neutral location so you no longer have to have direct contact if he is interested in seeing his child i would not recommend taking that away but you do not have to tolerate abuse on any level !!

Jodi - posted on 03/20/2015

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1. You need to differentiate between him being a danger to you and being a danger to a child. If your evidence is that he is abusive to YOU, then he is still likely to get some form of visitation with the child because his relationship with you has nothing to do with the relationship he is entitled to with his child.

2. If the evidence indicates he may be a danger to the child, he is still likely to get supervised visitation.

3. Your CHILD is entitled to a relationship with both of her parents, so no matter how you feel about her father, the fact is, he is still her father. You don't have to like him or approve of him. Your child also has rights in this situation.

4. If you don't have a court order for custody and visitation, then no, it isn't kidnapping if dad takes the child out of state and chooses not to return her. I know you wonder how this can be, but the fact is, both parents have equal rights to the custody of a child unless a court order specifies otherwise. The authorities will not get involved if this happens.

5. By denying visitation, it can be claimed you are alienating the father from a relationship with his child, which is not generally considered in the best interests of the child.

6. Child support and custody are two totally different issues and are treated as separate issues by the court. You can't deny visitation on the basis that someone doesn't pay child support because your child is not a commodity to be bought, sold, or rented out.

I understand that this is not what you want to hear. I understand this is, in your eyes, not fair. I understand it is frustrating for you. But this is the way the law works. It works this way to make sure that the courts are the ones to decide what is in the best interests of the child, not you. You can't make that decision because you can't be objective. When we break up with the fathers of our children, we are far to emotionally vulnerable (and probably angry and upset) to be making those kind of choices for our children.

The best thing you can do right at this moment is get yourself a lawyer and document all of your evidence - but keep in mind it isn't about your relationship with him, but that of your child.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/23/2015

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1) No, it is not ok. He's the child's biological father, and has the same right to be in her life that you do.
2) If you feel that his treatment of you will affect his daughter, then ask for supervised visits. YOU do not have to be the person to supervise, nor should you be.
3) If he is not meeting his court ordered support obligation, child services can ask for wage garnishment. Look into it.
4)STOP MAKING EXCUSES. These ladies have given excellent advice, whether you agree or not. Get this laid out, legally, in a court of law.

Jodi - posted on 03/21/2015

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You can't let fear rule your life. I do understand you feel scared, but not doing anything is not going to make that go away. Be strong for yourself and your baby.

Yesenia - posted on 03/21/2015

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I'm just scared because when I was younger I went to court to put a restraining order on one of my exes that was abusive and he ended up putting pictures of me online and threatened to kill me or someone in my family so after that I'm scared sorry if I'm making excuses I'm honestly scared something bad will happen once he finds out

Michelle - posted on 03/21/2015

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It doesn't matter if he doesn't want to go to court, YOU file for custody and he has to go to court!
Stop making excuses and get yourself a lawyer and get everything set. That way you both know where you stand and there are no arguments.
It sounds like you are scared of him, don't let him control you anymore. Do what's right for you and your child, NOT him.

Jodi - posted on 03/20/2015

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But if you file, he doesn't GET to say whether he wants to go to court or not, so I'm not seeing the issue here.

Yesenia - posted on 03/20/2015

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I'm not using her as a pawn, I've been letting him see her. I've been letting him come over but lately it's gotten out of hand and he's the one that doesn't want to go to court. I told him I wanted to handle everything in court and he said if I did he threatened me so Im just scared to piss him off

Jodi - posted on 03/20/2015

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By all means, report he is driving without a licence. You are well within your rights to do that.

But keep in mind that this really isn't addressing the true issues.

And yes, you can leave the state legally too. But do you really want to play the parental alienation game? Just remember, if he chooses to do this and you file for custody in your local courts, he will be the one who will be accused of parental alienation.

My advice: don't play the game. See that lawyer ASAP and don't be drawn into playing games and using the child as a pawn.

Yesenia - posted on 03/20/2015

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I didn't say report it as a kidnapping. I said report it as in he wants to drive her out of state without a license to drive. That actually is illegal last time I checked and I am understanding what people are saying about the lawyer I'm just simply saying that the law is messed up so if he could leave state with her then I should be able to too.

Jodi - posted on 03/20/2015

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No, you couldn't report it as a kidnapping.

Are you somehow not comprehending the posts with people giving you advice about the lawyer and legalities of child custody?

Ev - posted on 03/20/2015

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Regardless of this, he still has rights to see his child too. Even if you did report him not having a license to drive, it has no bearing on his seeing her.

Yesenia - posted on 03/20/2015

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He doesn't have a license or a permit but he has a car. If he left the state with her couldn't I call the cops and report it?

Michelle - posted on 03/20/2015

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This is why you need to go to court and get everything in writing.
Unless you have court orders saying you have primary care and he has visitation on set days then he can take his child out of state and it's NOT kidnapping. He s the Father and can take her when he wants without court orders.
You also need to understand that child support and visitation are 2 separate issues. Just because he's not paying to help raise his child doesn't mean he is denied visitation.

Yesenia - posted on 03/20/2015

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Dove that's why I feel like this legal system is so messed up. I almost lost my life while I was pregnant with my daughter and I'm the one going to school and working but yet he doesn't do anything for her and can still see her even though he's said she was the biggest mistake in his life. I honestly don't trust him with her with all the deaths of children happening in the world. I wasn't even supposed to be able to get pregnant so my daughter is my world.

Chana - posted on 03/20/2015

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You would have to ask an attorney what is considered legal proof. I am not sure pictures or medical reports without police reports would work. That is why we keep telling you to get an attorney.

Yesenia - posted on 03/20/2015

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Are pictures of bruising and a witness enough evidence? I even have medical notes about when he pushed me and I got a concussion like I do want him to step up as a dad but he's just proving that he doesn't care about his daughter unless it's convenient for him

Chana - posted on 03/20/2015

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I think we all understand your concerns but you need to get yourself together. If there is no legal proof that he is abusive than your word is not going to do much in a custody hearing. You have to realize that you can't have it both ways; either you want him to step up be a dad and help support your daughter or you want him out of your life. It seems like you want both. If there is no proof that he has hurt you or her than he has every right to see his daughter. I don't know what state you live in but I know regarding the underage drinking "in PA although illegal when it comes to a custody it is merely considered irresponsible and being irresponsible does not make you a bad parent" that came from a child advocate attorney. Like it or not it is the legal system. You need proof so get yourself some legal documentation of what he has done to you, get yourself an attorney, take him to court and pray for what is in the best interest of you daughter.

Yesenia - posted on 03/20/2015

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That's complete bs then because he's underage and there's pictures of him drinking so that is illegal and I have pictures and witnesses of the physical abuse so if he can still get to see her that is honestly messed up. If he takes her out of state that's kidnapping because she only lives with me and if he can get away with that then obviously this legal system doesn't care about the safety of my daughter

Ev - posted on 03/20/2015

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LOL with Jodi--i wanted to make my point clear with that word. And I was tired out when I did that too. But hey....LOL.

As to the OP, you still can loose your child if you deny him visits no matter what he does or does not do. As long as there is no legal paper work ordered by the courts, he has as much right as you do with the child. YOU can not dictate everything. I understand the need to protect and so does Jodi.

Until you can provide documentation to court of his behaviors that could be a danger to the child, your thoughts, feelings and wishes are not going to mean a hill of beans to the judge. He or she decides the best interests of the child. You also never answered my question about having made at the least a report on the father for his verbal/physcial abuse of you. Even in court that is not going to apply to the child unless he hurt her in some way but to you. As for Parental Alienation, you do not seem to be understanding what has been said there either. You are denying him rights to see his child when you do it because you think he might be out drinking or partying with friends. A lot of people have kids and still party to a degree but they take the time to make sure their kids are with someone to watch them.

The only way you are going to get him to step up and be a responsible dad is to take it to court and I know you said you'd check in with lawyers in the coming week. But you still have as much right as he does and without the paper work from court, he can take her out of state and there is nothing you would be able to do.

Yesenia - posted on 03/20/2015

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I just think it's messed up how a mother could do everything right and the father could do so many things wrong and still be able to see his kid even if he's abusive,temperamental,selfish and not paying for the baby. Like why is that okay? He wanted her aborted, he doesn't want to pay for her but yet he can see her and tell all his buddies that he's such a good father when he's not a father at all

Yesenia - posted on 03/20/2015

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I have been letting him see her, I asked all of this because the last time he came which was last week is when he put his hands on me. He's even threatened to take her from me and bring her out of state which is why I haven't let him see her since then which he hasn't even cared about since he's been out with friends every night smoking and drinking. I have the text messages and pictures to prove it. I'm definitely going to speak with a lawyer next week because I'm not letting him do that when he doesn't even pay his child support or see her when he has the chance

Michelle - posted on 03/20/2015

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By the sounds of it you don't have any court orders in place for visitation.
If he is abusive towards you then you can request supervised visits or that a 3rd party pick your daughter up and drop her off so the 2 of you don't have to see each other.
You really need to get a lawyer though and get everything in writing.

Jodi - posted on 03/20/2015

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But that's still not your call. If he is trying to see his child and you deny it, he could actually take you to court and claim parental alienation (which is what you are doing every time you refuse to allow him to see his child) and you could potentially lose custody.

The best course of action is for you to file for custody and visitation orders and then file for child support (you can't complain he isn't helping if you don't file for it).

Yesenia - posted on 03/20/2015

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It's not that I don't want him to have a relationship with her. I just want there to be some space for a while because he loses his temper easily and I'm scared that he would harm her. He's never once helped out with her and when she got sick and ended up in the children's hospital he didn't care and went drinking mind you he's not 21 yet.

Jodi - posted on 03/20/2015

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LOL, Evelyn, I can't help myself....irregardless is not a word and a true pet hate of mine ;)

To the OP, Evelyn is right that you cannot just decide to not allow your daughter a relationship with her father. This is not your call.

Ev - posted on 03/19/2015

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Irregardless of what you feel for him, he does have a right to have a relationship with his child too.

As for the abuse, Did you report him to the police about his hitting you at all or did you just let it go?

Do you have visitation and custody in court orders set out?

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