is it okay that my ex is not my 5 year old son's biological father but plays the role even though i have moved on and have a newborn with a new man that has been in my life for 2 years now

Jonh - posted on 05/24/2014 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I have a 5 year old son and he believes that my ex is his biological father. My ex and I broke up when my son turned 1 yr old. I currently am involved with a good man and we have a newborn. How do I break the news to my 5 year old son that my ex is not his biological father and help him grow with our new family? I am searching for advice. I don't want to continue lying to my 5 year old son. And also his biological father has began to come around and wants to build a relationship with his biological son.

10 Comments

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Karli - posted on 05/25/2014

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Your new husband knew about this though when he met and married you. So its not come as a shock to him. Yes he may well want your ex out of the picture but this isn't about how he feels its about a 5 year old boy who loves his daddy, be it his bio one or not, he has still been there for him and is essentially his dad. Do you have any services there that can help you with this matter? Sorry not living in the US I don't know what you have over there. I understand it might be hard for your husband but he has you and has nothing to worry about. He will still have to deal with another man been in your lives whether it be your ex or the bio dad of your son. That's how step families work. I myself am mum to a step daughter and my partner is step dad to my son. Ask him to be patient and think of your son. It will affect him greatly if things are rushed and then his bio dad doesn't step up and take the responsibility he should have all along. Besides your ex been hurt also as he will be losing his 'son'. It is a delicate matter and not one to be rushed into. x

Jonh - posted on 05/25/2014

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Thank you Karli. Not only is this difficult for me and my son but also for my new husband and our 1 yr old baby. This whole lie seems so be ruining my marriage because my man wants me to just break it to my son and build from there but I'm too worried for my son.

Karli - posted on 05/25/2014

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Hi, my step dad adopted myself and my brother when he married our mum when we were little, I was about 8/9 when my mum sat us down and explained he wasn't our biological dad. It didn't destroy our lives we didn't feel resentful towards our parents because they hadn't told us before. I honestly believe that if your ex is playing the role of dad then he should continue to do so, at least for the time being. You say the bio dad has been round 2 times. Is he definitely going to take father hood seriously? he doesn't sound to have made much of an effort previously, although I don't know all the circumstances. Id want to be sure he was going to stick around and take things seriously before I upset my child and changed things. Your ex sounds like a great man if after 4 years he is still treating your son as his own! He deserves huge credit for that! Be sure the bio dad isn't going to let your son down is all im saying before your you sit your son down and tell him. 5 years is very young to understand the situation. good luck xx

Michelle - posted on 05/25/2014

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You need to be honest with your son ASAP. I think Jodi has given you a good way to explain it to him.

Jonh - posted on 05/25/2014

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The ex is still involved and the biological father has visited my home twice and is saying that he wants to be part of his son's life

Jodi - posted on 05/24/2014

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No, I think it will hit him harder when he is older, and he is more likely to resent you for it. Is the ex still involved with him? And has he met his biological father yet?

Jonh - posted on 05/24/2014

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Thank you for commenting jodi. Do you think I should wait until he is older to break this to him?

Jodi - posted on 05/24/2014

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This is why my advice is ALWAYS to be truthful with your children and not build on lies, because eventually, it comes around to bite you.

In this situation, there now is no easy way for this child emotionally. Is your ex still in your child's life? You need to explain to your child that before you were with your ex, who he knows as daddy and has been a daddy for him, you loved someone else, and that someone else is his real daddy, but wasn't ready to be a daddy yet. However, now he is and wants to get to know him.

Unfortunately, it is a complicated situation, but you shouldn't have lied to him in the first place. Expect him to be upset and confused, and maybe even angry. And if your ex is no longer in his life, that could potentially be emotionally damaging, because that is equal to abandonment in the eyes of your child. He will take that very personally.

If your ex IS still in your son's life, then great, you can reassure him that he is lucky enough to have 2 daddies.

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