Is it okay to be friends with your child's father?

Myriam - posted on 04/01/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Is it okay to be "friends" with your sons father? Is this possible? Are any of you friends with your child's father? We just recently ended it its been a tumultous last 3 years he cheated on me terribly were like old best friends around each other (except hes not a nice friend at times with the yelling/verbal abuse when he gets mad). Because its so fresh Im sure he doesnt want me to see anyone but yet he still sees/talks to the women he had an affair with. I even went to see a physcologist who literally BROUGHT ME BACK TO LIFE! It was amazing with her help I let go that black cloud that depression , misery that hung over me the last 3 years and it helped me let go of my sons father (which I was pretty much over and not in love with him anymore) this way she helped me accept ALOT of negative feelings and saved me from 1-2 years of misery I would of had had I not gone to see her. My main question do any of you get along with your child's father? Is it safe, or a good idea? I know the child/children will be happy parents are getting along.... but I gave you a brief synopsis of our relationship to understand "the friendship" part. Any advice is appreciated!!!! Thank you!!!

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Julie - posted on 04/01/2013

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If you are trying to remain "friends" for the relationship between you and him, it will not work. However, if you are trying to remain "friends" for the sake of a child you share together, that is the ideal situation.
However, I would call it "friendly" not "friends" this is the distinction you must make for yourself, and the father of your son in order to avoid the abusive cycle from continuing.
To remain "friendly" with the father of your son, is to be kind, considerate, show respect and be respected by keeping your life separate from his. At the same time being open to communicating and hearing all he has to say in regards to your son and his healthy/happiness ONLY.
Because, if you were to remain "friends" with the father of your son, would be to allow him to continue the abusive behavior. This is a grey area where confusion can live, personal boundaries can be crossed and communication becomes more difficult. The "friends" card allows emotions like jealousy, bitterness and greed get in the way of your main objective in the relationship, raising a healthy son. the "friend" zone soon becomes less about the child, and more about the DRAMA when the relationship is so dysfunctional
So I say, stay "Friendly" in order to maintain healthy boundaries for you and your child.
All the best to you and your son, this is a great question.

Dove - posted on 04/01/2013

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Friends don't verbally abuse each other and/or hold them back from living their lives.

It IS a good idea to get along with your child's father and if you can be on friendly terms... that is awesome, but friendship is a two way street and is not always possible. Being civilized towards him for the sake of your child is critical, but if he isn't behaving like a respectable human being... it's not a friendship.

As for friendship with my ex.... not a chance. It's hard enough being civil with a man who only thinks of himself and his selfish desires/whims vs. the well being of his children. Civilized I can do, but any more would only happen if he became an entirely different (and therefore respectable) human being.

Onetraeh - posted on 04/01/2013

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R u sure tht you're ready to be friends with him?it seems to me tht he had a strong effect over your emotions if the relationship caused u to be in a depression & if you've gained any closure then u don't want to lose tht.so I would be really careful...there's some people tht u just can't be friends with especially with a long/bad history.I don't think it's really safe to let him in your private life or affairs @ all if u were ever in love with him or still r;of course it would be great to be civil for your child.but ya been there & done tht & keep your distance tht's my 2 cents

Firebird - posted on 04/01/2013

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I'm friends with my kid's dad. We broke up nearly 4 years ago and we get along so much better now. He's at my house right now. But he never cheated on me, nor was he verbally/physically/emotionally abusive to me. If you needed a psychologist to bring you back to life, chances are, hope for a real friendship between you and your ex is slim. Friends don't treat each other badly.

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Myriam - posted on 04/03/2013

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You guys are right there is no "friends" to be just friendly........ I always need to hear to it to do it! Thanks again!

Myriam - posted on 04/03/2013

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Thank you guys! Its always good to hear from an outside point of view. Even though were supposed to be "friends" good terms etc.... hes still verbally abusive when he gets upset especially when I mention I dont want our son around his random women he sleeps with!

Secondly, your absolutely right friends dont treat each other badly.

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