Is it wrong to clean or go through things on 13 yr old daughter room when she is not home?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Leslie - posted on 11/18/2009

34

10

1

my boys are now 26 and 24 finished college and living on their own. my husband and i NEVER went through their rooms. i would change their sheets vaccum and dust around things. but never touch anything.we felt that was private for them, just as we trusted they didn't go in our room when we weren't home. you have to have trust

Hester - posted on 11/19/2009

2

20

0

No it is not wrong. Children are children if they live in your house and they should respect you enough to know that whatever you do, you do with their best interest at heart. I am from the old school -- no locked doors, no signs saying keep out, no secret passwords on computers. It is our responsibility as parents to know what our children are doing. That includes everything. When they are grown and on their own, they can have privacy. I pay the cost to be the boss and I don't keep my stuff locked up and hidden. Family members learn to live with each other and to respect each other's things -- no need to hide and lock stuff up.

Jess - posted on 11/16/2009

12

7

0

I agree 100% I have 3 children and I raise them like I was raised. Parents give KIDS way too much space and thats way teen preg. rate and drugs is at a all time high. Treat you kids as a equal and see how far it gets you.....

Tanita - posted on 11/16/2009

1

10

0

No it is not wrong. People need to quit putting kids on the level of adults. First of all that is what's wrong with kids today. Parents are treating them like equals instead of kids. When I was a teen, my mother went through my stuff all the time and it didn't bother me because I knew I was not doing wrong. To this day my mother is my best friend. In my house the only person who get privacy is the one paying the bills. Just because your child acts like they are ok it does not mean that is the case and some kids are good at hiding things. WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!!!! Our role as parents is to protect our child at any cost. Every one is trying to be the cool parent or the friend to the child and look where it has gotten them. Some kids are out of control and parents are wondering where they went wrong. QUIT TRYING TO BE A FRIEND TO YOUR CHILD AND BE A PARENT FIRST!!!

Jess - posted on 11/15/2009

12

7

0

Absolutely not Your house your room she is simply borrowing it until she moves out. When she starts paying rent then she has a right to full privacy until then have at it. You have to stay informed of what they are doing who they are friends with and who they are talking too. Trust is earned. Peer pressure can be a rough thing. Good luck and look away!!!!

This conversation has been closed to further comments

152 Comments

View replies by

Sylvia - posted on 03/12/2013

6

8

0

Are you cleaning or snooping. I you are delibertly snooping then that is an invasion of privacy. Unless there is something you know. If cleaning not a problem. My children are 12 and i do a weekly check on their room. I am sick of my children being messy. They know about this and it hasnt bothered them. Let then know that you are checing their room out. More so, so they learn how to clean. If you find something then, do somethin about it.

Jeovane - posted on 03/11/2013

2

0

0

i do the same! you trust but it doesn't hurt to be safe!!! as a mom all you want to do is protect your child!! your not wrong

Shaliqua - posted on 11/19/2009

10

14

0

in away because if you feel like you raised her right then you should be able to trust her but at the same time thats your house thats just her room.

Michele - posted on 11/19/2009

11

20

0

It depends, I think that if she has given you a reason not to trust her then yes go through that room with a fine tooth comb. But, if she has given you no reason to think she is doing something wrong or harmful to herself or others then stay out!!! That is the one guaranteed way to ruin a mother daughter relationship permanently.

Michele - posted on 11/18/2009

4

1

0

Did your mother do it to you? if so ..do you remeber how that feels? Are you doing it just so you can "know everything". Is there reason to look? Only you can answer these. I would sugest if you look......to do it quietly the first couple times. don't let her know if your just being noisy. If you find something.....put it back. Think of ways you can have your mom talks with her and give her the chance for a choice. when you check again later....if problems still there, then let her know you were in her room and disappointed after you had your talks. then she knows you care- but may still have a typical teenage reaction.

Stacy - posted on 11/16/2009

1

3

0

My children appreciate when I do a good cleaning in their rooms, at least once a year during the summer, when they are gone. They look foward to coming home to a clean room with new things added or things just rearranged. I try not to throw anything away that they would want to keep, just set it aside in a box for them to go through later. I try not to read personal things such as diaries, because I made that mistake in the past. My oldest was going through a rough time and felt I was her enemy. She had very destructive behaviors, so I read her diary to make sure she was safe and if there was a reason for her change in behavior. I did have to confront her about the diary and my daughter hasn't forgotten that I "invaded her personal space". In the past year we have developed a good relationship and those destructive behaviors (both of us) are in the past.

Danielle - posted on 11/16/2009

33

18

1

I dont have a teenager yet, although my 4 yr old is quickly on her way lol. I would have to say yes only bc trust is every thing. I would talk to her and "be her friend" go shopping one day and have a casual covorsation with her about what ever it is your concerned about. You know your daughter, you will know if she is lying. If she has been dishonest in the past you may have a reason not to trust her, go with your gut. hope this helps :)

Karen - posted on 11/16/2009

6

2

1

If your daughter doesnt want you in her things then she needs to clean and tidy her room herself, that is what i tell my 13 year old

Robin - posted on 11/16/2009

2

4

0

I don't believe you should just to do it. But if you feel there is real danger ask her first what is going on and let her know you are there for her and that you want her to feel that she can come talk to you about anything bothering her. And then if she seems to hide or ignor your approach then when she is gone to school or off for the whole weekend do a check but make sure you put everything back just like she had it. then let her put her own things away and see if she will let you help her. most time girls like to feel as though they are being trusted, and in control of their things. Communication is important at this stage in a young girls life and now matter what you do sometimes you are gona hit a brick wall. I have a 17 year old boy, a 15 year old girl, and a 13 year old boy. My girl has been the hardest and I have learned alot about myself and her.

Lori - posted on 11/15/2009

14

20

0

I would say that actual hunting through your daughters room would not be a good idea. I have a 13 year old son, so I'm in a similar boat as you. Now, I will clean the common area of my boys room - if it's in plain view, it's open game. Periodically, I will search my sons room, however I tell him the night before or on the way to school, so he knows what I'm doing, So far, no negative issues. Good luck.

Amy - posted on 11/15/2009

2

24

0

Absolutely not! It's your house, you have the right to know what's going on. Until she is 18 years old and NOT living in your house, you are the one responsible. If she doesn't clean her room, you need to tell her it's your chore until she cleans it herself. If she objects, show her how to do it and do "inspections" spontaneously. Don't tell her when they are, but pop in to look.

Shana - posted on 11/15/2009

1

32

0

No, it's not. But what is even better is doing it while they are there. I do it to my 13 year old daughter all the time. I tell her since she doesn't pay any bills in my house that is MY room and you have no secrets. LOL! :)

Cheryl - posted on 11/15/2009

3

7

0

I think it is ok as long you are checking to make sure that she is`nt making any wrong choices to becoming a good adult. It`s hard at that age and some times as a parent we need to do things that we don`t want to do but its our job to keep our kids safe.

Lisa - posted on 11/15/2009

1

20

0

I would od it in a heart beat! If your childrens live with you(full time or part time as many families like mine too), you are responsible for them. If it means going thru their things (facebook, myspace,etc on the computer) know what your child is doing in their rooms. We have rules that doors should be opened, no tv or computer in any child's room. I know it seems hard for some to read, but having teenagers on gets worse if you don't supervise every moment! You cover they in prayer and be strong in your guidelines. Many teenagers just want the structure and more important...they want your TIME to listen and do things with them!!!!

Grace - posted on 11/15/2009

16

3

0

Your child is old enough to clean her own room. She does need her privacy, but it is absolutely still your responsibility to check up on her if you have reason to believe she is getting into any high risk behaviours. This includes reading her emails, and looking through her room. Let her behaviour be your guide. Good grades, politeness, obedience, etc., means you can probably let her be. Bad grades, defiance, changes in habits, etc. mean you need to do something!

Melissa - posted on 11/15/2009

4

5

0

No i totally beleive this is ok to go through their things they are living in your house and you are responsible for their welfare and sometime they can't tell their parents everything that we need to know for their own saftey but just be careful not to push them away if you have a difficult child

Marilyn - posted on 11/14/2009

6

9

0

No I don't think it is wrong. My son is 17 years old and I still sometimes go through his things in his room.

Donna - posted on 11/14/2009

1

8

0

Nope her room is in your house I'm in my 13 yr olds room now on her computer I brought and she's at the mall and yes I do look around SHE'S 13 AND IS STILL UNDER MY UMBRELLA TO PROTECTED. therefore U can't protected if you don't know.

Felicia - posted on 11/14/2009

3

1

0

My daughter learned how to clean starting at age 2. I never clean her room. If she does not clean it by the deadline I give her, she loses priveleges: TV, cell phone, outings with friends, etc.

Going through her room: sure. Not when she's around, though. I just look periodically; it's a snapshot into her life. Haven't found anything alarming yet, just disgusting candy/food wrappers!

Becky - posted on 11/14/2009

12

1

0

I think most everyone knows that the decision makin lobe isnt fully developed in teens! Let it be know that you clean and look through their things and that it is part of being a mother. Until they have an education, a job and have sprouted their own wings.. you are still raising them and looking out for their well being. I could give a ton of examples.. that would send a red flag... pot- (my brother actually told my mother it was oregano and she called me long distance to ask me if it could be true - Hello !?) condoms, hidden report cards from the mail - (someone actually found a motel receipt with a mans name - a neighbor ! - in their 16 year old daughters shoe box as a souvenier) - porn - straws and glass or metal tubes...and now we have the internet to watch our for... "Always err on the side of caution"

Sarah - posted on 11/14/2009

7

9

0

To a point, yes. Every teenager wants their privacy. If you noticed that she has changed, ask her whats been going on. If she says no, then tell her you are going to go through her things in her room. If she reacts in a bad way, then you know something is up and I would definately go through her things when she wasnt home.

Debbie - posted on 11/14/2009

2

13

0

You have LOTS of replies here and I don't know if one more opinion even matters. But here's my experience. I have 5 kids, in 'sets, so to speak. (2 boys, 2 years apart... 4 years later 2 more boys, 2 years apart, then a girl 8 years later.) With the 'older' boys, I was a firm believer in privacy. I never read 'notes' I saw lying around. I never went through their things. I trusted everything they said. I am an open person, but not naive. My kids talked to me about everything (I thought.) Then I found out, when my 2nd son was a senior, that he had been involved in drugs for a couple of years. Despite my questioning and occasional suspicions, he convinced me he was ok. So with my 'younger boys' they, unfortunately, had less privacy. I told them upfront that I would give them "surprise inspections" (kind of like pop quizzes). When they have friends over I join them in their room invite myself into the conversation/video game session for 10 minutes or so every now and then. Not every day... just sometimes. And my daughter knows that the 'surprise inspections' will happen to her to. She's not a teen yet, but they already happen as a pre-teen. I don't want to be a surprised mom. This hasn't TOTALLY prevented any teen hassles with my 'younger' boys, but it has kept me in the loop!

User - posted on 11/14/2009

1

0

0

Not wrong at all! You will find out more about your child, and somethings may surprise you!! You're a good mom for caring...

Chandra - posted on 11/14/2009

2

11

0

Wrong? No, its her room but your home and until she is 18 she is your responsibility. The real question is will it damage your relationship. Try to keep lines of comunnication open so you dont have to resort to sneeky behavior. Go in and start "helping" her clean her room. Most important ask questions, show real interest, and know friends, thier partents and their parenting practice. Put all this into action and avoid snooping.

Chandra - posted on 11/14/2009

2

11

0

Wrong? No, its her room but your home and until she is 18 she is your responsibility. The real question is will it damage your relationship. Try to keep lines of comunnication open so you dont have to resort to sneeky behavior. Go in and start "helping" her clean her room. Most important ask questions, show real interest, and know friends, thier partents and their parenting practice. Put all this into action and avoid snooping.

Melissa - posted on 11/14/2009

1

1

0

YES!!! I hated it when my mother cleaned my room and I didn't have anything to hide.

Barbara - posted on 11/14/2009

13

6

0

as long as you trust your child give her some (but not total) privacy. I gave my son the job of cleaning his own room from about that age, be warned teenagers can put up with a lot more dirt and mess than adults but leave it. I only made a fuss if there was a smell that came to the rest of the home usually wet trainers!

Kat - posted on 11/13/2009

2

43

0

I also agree that it is my home and I have the right to go into any room, however I remember my mother going through EVERYTHING, she went through my book bag and notebooks to read letters from friends, I felt very betrayed and then did hide stuff from her after that, it was very hurtful and really wrecked my relationship with her. I don't think that your child should hate you or say they hate you, to me that is where something is wrong. there are ways to deal with things and not make either side feel horrible. I am 1st and foremost my daughters Mother, but I also make my self available as a friend and you would not believe the things my daughter comes to me with.. I would rather have that open trusting relationship than her hating me anyday.

Kat - posted on 11/13/2009

2

43

0

ok your question is 2 totally different things..1 yes you should be able to go in there to clean up. i.e laundry, dishes, garbage etc.. but I don't think you should go through their stuff. If I am picking up in my daughters room and find something in there I put it on her bed for her, and tell her i did so as soon as I do or she gets home. Kids are not like we were when younger they don't send notes or letters anymore they are all texting. If I have questions or suspect something I would go in her room with her and go through stuff. no advance warning, she can't hide it if you are in there with her and she won't have time to hide it prior. I feel good knowing this is the way I hamdle it, she knows I still respect her to have her there and she knows and trusts me to go get her laundry. you have to give respect to receive it.

User - posted on 11/13/2009

4

6

0

i dont think its wrong, you are the parent. everytime she tells you she hates you or that you are ruining her life, take that as a good thing. it lets you know you arent raising a child who does what she wants. it teaches her that there are consiquences for her actions whatever they may be, and if she slips up even for a second you will be on her like white on rice. she is still a child, and if you leave children to their own devices, you end up on the maury povich show.

Linda - posted on 11/13/2009

1

2

0

Is it wrong? How much rent does your 13 year old pay monthly? I'm from the old school. No, it's not wrong. It would be wrong if you didn't check. Not that you don't trust your daughter. This is a different day and age we are living in now. If she is not doing anything dishonest there should be know problem with you checking.

Amy - posted on 11/13/2009

1

0

0

I have a12 yr old and 11 yr old girl my thing is if you don't want me to go through your stuff than you had better clean it up right because if I have to do it then she doesn't really care about her stuff anyway!!!Go for it it is your house!!!!!

LISA - posted on 11/13/2009

194

40

21

okay... teens don't tell anyone what they are really up to... so dig away... by knowing what is going on with her you can prevent things like pregnancy, drug use, and the road you just never want your child to go down... not to mention to keep a close eye on who she is chating with online... this is a cruel world we live in... younger boys are even beginning to take advantage of girls at parties and now days anywhere... you need to know if she is begining to lie about where she is at and what kinds of people are influencing her...

LISA - posted on 11/13/2009

194

40

21

okay... teens don't tell anyone what they are really up to... so dig away... by knowing what is going on with her you can prevent things like pregnancy, drug use, and the road you just never want your child to go down... not to mention to keep a close eye on who she is chating with online... this is a cruel world we live in... younger boys are even beginning to take advantage of girls at parties and now days anywhere... you need to know if she is begining to lie about where she is at and what kinds of people are influencing her...

LISA - posted on 11/13/2009

194

40

21

okay... teens don't tell anyone what they are really up to... so dig away... by knowing what is going on with her you can prevent things like pregnancy, drug use, and the road you just never want your child to go down... not to mention to keep a close eye on who she is chating with online... this is a cruel world we live in... younger boys are even beginning to take advantage of girls at parties and now days anywhere... you need to know if she is begining to lie about where she is at and what kinds of people are influencing her...

LISA - posted on 11/13/2009

194

40

21

okay... teens don't tell anyone what they are really up to... so dig away... by knowing what is going on with her you can prevent things like pregnancy, drug use, and the road you just never want your child to go down... not to mention to keep a close eye on who she is chating with online... this is a cruel world we live in... younger boys are even beginning to take advantage of girls at parties and now days anywhere... you need to know if she is begining to lie about where she is at and what kinds of people are influencing her...

LISA - posted on 11/13/2009

4

4

0

I believe as a mother that no CHILD has privacy besides useing the toilet and taking a shower.the reason i say that is because SOMETIMES we parents get caught up in our own stuff we dont notice the behavior change in our babys (children) THEY R NOT REPLACABLE. And just maybe you can redrict your baby if you find something that is not acceptable in her room. also yes she may get upset like im sure we all have when our room was gone through BUT when she has babys of her own she will do the same to her's. THATS THE CIRCLE OF MOMS. LOL

LISA - posted on 11/13/2009

4

4

0

I believe as a mother that no CHILD has privacy besides useing the toilet and taking a shower.the reason i say that is because SOMETIMES we parents get caught up in our own stuff we dont notice the behavior change in our babys (children) THEY R NOT REPLACABLE. And just maybe you can redrict your baby if you find something that is not acceptable in her room. also yes she may get upset like im sure we all have when our room was gone through BUT when she has babys of her own she will do the same to her's. THATS THE CIRCLE OF MOMS. LOL

Malissa - posted on 11/13/2009

1

20

0

In my personal opinion it depends on if you'd like to find out your daughter is sexualy active on her Facebook page! Yes really!!! In my opinion America has given it's teenagers too much free range. Recently where I live a 16yr old mother of 2 is in jail b/c her 18yr old boyfriend/father killed the youngest child who was only a few months old. BUT these "parents" are in this situation b/c America has decided they are old enought to have sex. But really were they? Obvioulsy not.



Care for your daughter by know what she is up to and know what she is doing.



Mk

Tara - posted on 11/13/2009

20

11

2

Absolutely not. I have a fifteen year old son whom I never would have guessed (and I am a college educated parent who is very involved in his life) that he was having sex and smoking/drinking. It is amazing what you find when you start looking. They have privacy to a certain extent, but it is our job as parents and if you have feel the need to go through her stuff there is probably a reason. I however would not clean up. They need to learn responsibility and even though it is hard to see the mess sometimes you can shut the door and make them do it.

Debi - posted on 11/13/2009

1

6

0

I am a Mom of grown children. I did and still do feel that you are THE PARENT and need to always remember that it is your job until THE CHILD moves out to know what is going on in YOUR home. I always told my children that IT WAS MY HOME AND THEY WERE ALLOWED TO HAVE A ROOM IN IT!. When they are old enough to move out and have their own place, it will be their own place until then you need to know what is going on in YOUR home. Too many parents blur the lines between being the parent and wanting to be the child's friend. We do not become our children's friends until they are grown up and do not need to be parented any longer.



A good Mom or parent is one that is informed in as many areas of their life as possible!

Annabelle - posted on 11/13/2009

15

0

1

I know I will because A. I am the mom and it's my house and B. Privacy is a privilidge not a requirment you earn it just like tv time or extended curfews. I won't do it daily and I'd never read a journal without having a series reason that I thought was detrimental to their health or well-being. But honestly, I won't go in there without a reason, so make your bed keep the room clean and I will ignore the room exists probably. But I reserve the right to enter any room in MY house at anytime I want.

Dee - posted on 11/13/2009

1

17

0

No Way, It has to be done, unless u want it to be a no go area 13yr olds dont clean the way we do and shes only 13 she shouln't have too much to hide and if she does then its better u know.Im all for privacy and u can turn a blind eye to most things but if she doesnt have anything to hid she shouldn't mind. Just dont advertise the fact u lookedat her stuff .

Sammi - posted on 11/13/2009

3

17

0

Absolutely not! When she pays the mortgage payment then she can expect privacy. Until then the whole house is yours, including the room you have given her to sleep in.

Kim - posted on 11/13/2009

1

13

0

It really depends on the situation! If you feel comfortable with your childs well being, but if you suspect drugs or a change in personality, by all means check away, it could be in the childs best intrest to protect he or she! Go with your gut!! The adult is in charge, NOT the child!!

Cathy - posted on 11/13/2009

14

3

0

Oh, I totally missed the clean part of the question...my children are fully responsible in that area. In fact, they assist in or, and at times when I have more errands than time, do all the house cleaning including dusting, sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming. My 16 year old son can and does the laundry--and knows how to sort and appropriately air dry the hand washables. My 13 year old son can make a better omelet than I can. BUT I have observed and am responsible to correct really BAD decisions made, not because we aren't close, don't talk constantly about right and wrong, or that we don't trust them but because they simply do NOT have the life experience to make what my husband and I call 'big picture' good decisions all the time. So, that's where we come in. We have to be diligent, observant and consistent. And I think I saw someone else say, we absolutely have to do all we can to prepare them for the world they were born into and will go out and live in. Having an uncontested existence in a vacuum where you can do anything without being questioned is not that world.

Gilda - posted on 11/13/2009

1

24

0

not if she lives in my house!!!!Unless that "child" is self supporting and pays rent for that room you have every right to go in there and being a responsible parent you have to.When my son was 15 had his grandmother and I not checked his room regularly we would have never found a vial of steroids given to him by a HS wrestling coach that could have killed him. So you decide. BTW 13 year olds have extremely limited rights in my homesome privacy OK but with limitations All the "rights" belong to the parents at that stage.

Cathy - posted on 11/13/2009

14

3

0

Rena! Call me alarmist but a boy in the closet and boy's clothes in the room of a 15 year old girl gets a month's grounding????? Yikes, what does she have to do to REALLY get punished??? But again, that's why we have this forum to get perspective on how this child rearing thing isn't an exact science but fraught with many trials and errors to hopefully, prayerfully get most of what we try to do, right. Right?

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms