is my daughters relationship with her father worth it?

[deleted account] ( 19 moms have responded )

my ex and i broke up when my daughter was 3months old. he wanted nothing to do with her for over a year and now he is engaged and now there seeking visitation rights but it seems that its his fiance that wants it more than him. but to be honest i dont want either of them around my daughter as he is an abusive alcoholic that cant say no. and the people they hang around with do drugs including him. when i was pregnant he would use the grocery and rent money for drugs. he would come home drunk and abusive all the time. he said his changed but his decent friends are telling me to keep my daughter away from him. what should i do? should i allow him to see her or go with my instincts and keep her safe by keeping him away? i want to do the right thing by my daughter but keep her safe aswell


*Lisa* - posted on 03/21/2010




I agree that you will need proof. My friend just had a custody battle over his sons and he won because he had proof that all of the lies his ex was saying about him were false. He proved that he was the better candidate to take care of the children. I also think that the relationship between father and daughter is important IF the father is a good father. I have never met, seen or know anything about my biological father but my mum married the most awesome man when I was 6 who has raised me as his own daughter. I have never once considered that I missed out on a relationship with my biological dad. The one who cares for you is the one that matters so your daughter will be fine without him. :) He wanted nothing to do with her when it really counted, when you really needed the support so why should he get to see her now??


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Gwen - posted on 07/23/2012




You should hire an attorney and let a professional help you handle this in a legally binding way. It's always beneficial to have a court order backing up your decisions.

Michelle Kerry - posted on 07/23/2012




trust your instincts, i know exactly how you feel, ive been there just like you & i'm now on my own with my four yr old son. :)

[deleted account]

God be with you while you get things together. I was able to raise my sons without interference, however, they DID need a dad. It breaks my heart that they never had one that was worth a wit. Just like you, all girls need a dad too. I bless God that my dad was a good one. But I needed him more than anything. At least my two grandaughters both have loving, protecting, *sober* fathers. That is my bet legacy: My sons' parenthood!

Becky - posted on 03/20/2010




I think your first job as a mother is to protect your daughter, both physically and emotionally. If you feel that she is going to be unsafe in any way if she has contact with her father, then I would say do not allow the contact. Or, if you have to allow some, make sure it is very well controlled and supervised.

At the same time though, don't completely close the door. As she gets older, she is going to want to know who her father is, what he is like, and why he is not in her life. When the time comes to explain this to her, try to find a way to do it that does not make him look like the scum of the earth (even if he is!), because kids really take that to heart, and it's a big part of their identity. They think, well, maybe if my parents (or dad, or mom) was a horrible person, then I might turn out to be a horrible person too.

People do change, and hopefully he will realize, before it's too late, that his daughter deserves to have a loving, stable, sober, safe father in her life and he will turn his life around so that you can feel comfortable allowing them to have contact.

Blackwood - posted on 03/20/2010




Instint for sure, if you want you could offer "supervised visits", but in the end your gut is usually right. Do what you feel is best, if you think it's not a good idea then you are more then likely right, just remember too keep your feeling towards him seperate from your feeling for the safety of your child.

Tia - posted on 03/20/2010




Get as much of prooff as you can, including hiring a private investigator to monitor him when he thinks no one is watching. If your gut is right, then he will show his true side when no one is looking. If I was in that situation, I would fight with all your might to keep her away from him. But you can only go so far, she may be safer with you but the state may think otherwise, so the more proof and dirt on him the better.

Beth - posted on 03/20/2010




trust your motherly instinct..if you feel its bad for your baby, then you know what to do. get a supervised visitation or any legal support. Just make sure you got all the protection your government can provide, specially for single moms like you. Motherhood does make you stronger than you expect. Stand up for your baby. We are here behind you.

Stefania - posted on 03/20/2010




Im gonna start off by saying that if he does drugs & drinks a lot NO judge will grant him visitation rights, if they do it will most likely be supervised. I know u wanna do the right thing & let your daughter know her father but take my word for it, shes better off not knowing & being safe with you. My father was very abusive to my mother & drank A LOT, even hit her while she was pregnant with me & my mother thought the same thing you did. She wanted a better life for me & boy did she give me one. Unlike your baby daddy, my father wanted to be a part of my life from day 1 & continued to write me letters (that i just recently found) until i was about 9. These aren't stories my mom told me so i would stay away from him, these are things my family & his family told me. He now has 2 other daughters with 2 different women & they dont have a relationship with him either. My mom had him deported back to Italy when i was 6 months old by the way so i never met my half sisters. Anyway long story short i was better off without him & so was my mother. You cant miss what you never had & if hes doing this because of his new girlfriend & his friends say he hasnt changed, DONT DO IT. You will just cause a lot of heartache on your daughter & yourself. I am very lucky to have the husband i have. He & our 12mo daughter are very close & i think its because he also grew up with a dad that did drugs & drank (still does) that abused his mother. The difference between him & me is that his dad kept coming & going & coming & going & still does to this day. Drugs change people, i know this first hand because i had a brief drug problem will pain meds. You dont think of anyone else but yourself and your next high. You sound like a caring & protective mother & you also sound like you have your mind set already. Stick with your instincts & when your daughter is old enough give her the option if she wants to know her father. My mom gave me that option when i was 18 yrs old, i am now 27 going on 28 & still havn't wrote a letter. I want to i just dont know what to say. Sorry this was so long but i hope it helped. Good luck & remember your daughter needs you, not someone that wanted nothing to do with her.

Meghan - posted on 03/20/2010




we are going through kinda the same thing. get a lawyer, and if anything only allow supervised access and stress that you want regular drug tests as well! I am so sorry you both have to go through this but like all the other mom's said go with your gut. If your gut is saying no way, fight like hell! :)

Danielle - posted on 03/20/2010




I would not allow him to see my daughter until he had proven himself. And even then it would be supervised access only.

Joy - posted on 03/20/2010




Definitely go with your gut. Depending on the state, visitation isn't guaranteed unless you were married. I'm assuming you weren't, though, so it's entirely up to you whether or not he gets to spend time with her. Sure, he could always go to a lawyer to set up visitation (my cousin actually did this, but he was active in his daughter's life since he found out about conception), but being absent definitely doesn't help his cause any. All I can offer is what information I gathered from my own child support order, which, again, varies by state-- and that's there is no guarantee of visitation, even with a support order. That's, arguably, the great thing about being an unwed mother. Definitely seek out child support, but don't be afraid to seek it out because you think it means that you HAVE to let him spend time with your daughter. Heck, my kids' dad RARELY spends any time with my kids, which is fine. Disappointing to me, yes, because he's actually a decent dad (well, to his other kids anyway). Ah well. Needless to say, go with your gut on this one. If you weren't married, he needs a court order, and you definitely have some say in it!

Jessica - posted on 03/20/2010




i have a similar situation... go with your instincts! tell him he can have supervised visits by either you or a third party of YOUR choice... if he gives you ANY static tell him to get a lawyer and go through the courts.. He may huff and puff and throw a temper tantrum, then look at him and say "that's EXACTLY why i don't trust you with her!" it works... he will threaten to get a lawyer and take you to court and take your daughter.. blah blah blah, but the sad truth is alcoholics and drug addics (especially if he is both) are to self-ish to sacrifice the high for anything! If he would take your grocery and rent money then time with his kid won't be any more important!!! good luck girl. just remember, from now on the only peple you need to look out for is your baby girl and your self...

[deleted account]

Go with your instincts, plus his friends are telling you to keep her safe and free from her father. Why would you want to take a chance ? Do not feel bad, you are doing what you feel is best for your daughter. I only wished I knew how to do that 45 yrs ago

Natasha - posted on 03/20/2010




We have somethings in common. You never know what the future can bring. I fought for no visitation and lost. Than fought for suppervised visitaion and lost again. Mind you, I had a very good atterney. In the end of fighting for custody of my son for 5 years on and off, trying to prove I'm a good mother, and that He was not a fit parent, he showed his true colors, He made allegations against me that were false. It ended up in court and not one person stood up for me in the end. He had my family and friends so fooled to believe his lies that I ended up loosing custody of my son. I'm here two years after that down the road. I'm seven hours away from my son. I'm here building a good life for me so that one day when I get him back, we can rebuild what we once had. The good news out of this, I recently found out a way to get my son back. and his father will pay a lifetime. It's all a choice. My son has a great relationship with his father. and I'm greatful he was never a deadbeat. But in reverse, I was that girl whose father was never there. I never knew him. I met him four years ago after 20 years apart. It was worth meeting him, but not being apart of his life. I knew quickly why my mother didn't want him raising me. and it broke my heart. I would just think wisely about the decision you make that will shape your daughter in the future....

[deleted account]

The problem is, if there is no proof of this man's lifestyle, your state might force you to allow visitation. Number One Priority: get proof. If you can't get supervised visitation. These may be your only alternatives, depending upon your state's laws. Does he have a paternity test? If not, get one. He must also pay child support, whether he sees your daughter or not. In Texas, the non-custodial parent must pay a flat rate, but he/she also is allowed to visit whether he/she pays or not. Go to the attorney general's office to be sure! I strongly advise that you do NOT leave this to chance.

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