Is my husband abusive enough for me to leave?

Kiah - posted on 09/28/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I really need to hear some input on my situation. I am at my wits end, absolutely DESPERATE for other women to help me make sense of this, so it may be a bit lengthy. My husband and I have been married 7 years and we dated for 3. We have a 2 and a half year old little girl together. He has anger issues and is extremely moody and I always think of him as Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde because he can be so charismatic, friendly, and so fun, then something sets him off and he is mean and hard-hearted. He has only been physically abusive 3x in our marriage, pinning me to the floor once and when our daughter was 5 months old I told him I was taking her for a car ride until he cooled down because he was angry but he wouldn't let me leave. He ended up tackling me to the floor and my bare foot went through the wall. But that was the only event like that and nothing physical since that. We recently started doing marriage counseling together because I decided to leave and take our daughter to relatives this summer - left him a 4 page letter telling him to get it together basically - I was gone for 3 weeks and he promised to start going to counseling and would change. It's been two months ago since I've been back and he was sweet and was trying for a while but now is back to his ups and downs - being critical and nasty, holding the door shut on me so I couldn't get out, just hurtful. The trained and licensed counselor has declared him the very definition of emotionally abusive, and said he is controlling, and selfish. A huge huge issue since our daughter was born is that he does not participate in our family or house responsibilities, just checks out often either because he is upset about something or just doesn't feel like changing a diaper. I believe he is depressed because he sits on the couch and watches movies all the time, stays up super late to watch movies, and then sleeps in on the weekends until close to lunch. I was preparing for his sister to come two nights ago and he was sitting in the recliner with his eyes closed while our toddler was getting into stuff. I asked if he could help with her because I was super stressed trying to clean up, cook this nice meal, AND help our daughter. He said he was resting and then started laughing at me when I began to tear up. We are at a pivotal time as I told him last week at counselors office that I wouldn't separate if he took the depression medicine every single night so we could see if that helps him. (He has had the medicine but skips days and forgets or chooses not to take it half the week). Counselor also said he may have some sort of brain damage from all the drugs he did when he was a teenager. I married him because he was such a nice guy and caring but later realized he has some major struggles. I really do love him. I really want to keep my family together. But this is crazy making. To be intimate sexually and then that same night only an hour later he is So mean. I just told him today I don't feel like he is taking this seriously enough (our conversation about us separating unless change happens) and he just said "you're SAD. . .I'm not going to even talk to you" and walked out of the room. I have nowhere to go - relatives live too far, I would hate to impose on our friends small houses already filled with their own kids. But I'd also hate to have to take this to an attorney so I could stay in the house where all my daughter's stuff is and she is comfortable. It's been 7 years of this controlling roller coaster! I am not the same person anymore and I am too young to be so miserable and so neglected as a wife. I know I deserve better, but I do love him. I do believe he can be a better man so why isn't he trying? help! Anyone. Should I stay longer to see if this medicine shakes the meanness out of him or to find out if he has some extra difficulty going on via a brain scan? Or am I battling with his sheer will to just do whatever he wants and say whatever he wants. Have I given him enough chances? I'm so sorry this was so long. This is my first night on CircleofMoms because I knew I needed to reach out. I'm not sure if anyone will read this. . .None of my friends know any of the horror I go through. I'm so ashamed.

2 Comments

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Michelle - posted on 09/28/2014

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I doesn't matter if he's "abusive enough" for you to leave, yes he's abusive, full stop! You don't stay depending on the level of abuse as abuse is abuse. Even your counselor has told you he is abusive. You can't change someone, they have to want to change. If he doesn't want to try and make things work then you really need to look after you and your daughter.
My advice would be if you really want to try and make things work, you need to live separately but still go to counseling. Is there anywhere he can go instead of you moving out? While you aren't living together you will be able to find yourself and really think about what you want. Don't focus on keeping your family together though, think about your future and if you want to be with him for the rest of your life.
Your daughter will adapt if you do split and she deserves happiness. If you are happy then she will be.
My 1st husband was abusive and I couldn't see it for a very long time. I finally left him and figured out what I really wanted in a partner. I have since married the most wonderful man (5 years today) and my children from my 1st marriage are very happy, well rounded boys. They are now 13 and 10 and don't get into trouble like some of the other boys in their class.

American - posted on 09/28/2014

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This pattern will just continue so I suggest you leave for good. you want your child to grow up in a loving home even if it means single parent.

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