Is my husband raising our children properly or is he just burning them and causing more anger and pain to go around?

Lauren - posted on 05/03/2014 ( 16 moms have responded )

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He is not my children's biological father and he says that they need discipline but I feel that my children are only getting hurt. We have been married for 4 years now and I have 3 kids, two boys and 1 girl ages 10, 5, and 3. Here are some things that he does that I am just confused about and need some opinions. He tells the kids that he will take them to the park or to the mall and he gives them sometime to get ready, they are kids and they tend to play and take longer to get ready so he gets FURIOUS and begins to yell at them "I have been waiting 25 min and you are still not ready!! You stupid idiots don't deserve to go outside, you pigs don't deserve anyone to take some time out for you!, STAY home you bunch of morons!" And then he would punish them by not taking them out. I don't understand whether to be mad at him or not, I mean, he did put an effort to take the kids out but he always hurts them when trying to do something good. My 10 yr old son comes to me crying saying "I was so happy I was going out and now we're not. I feel that the way he "disciplines" the kids just causes them pain, hurt and anger. I have noticed their attitudes changing from this treatment. They have become more angry towards everyone and they lash out more often. He comes home with candy and junk food at times and then goes to check their rooms, he finds them messy and begins to yell "You idiots! I told you to clean your room, bunch of ungrateful pigs! I bought you some goodies but you don't deserve them, so I will just throw them in the garbage" and that is what he does. In his mind, this is discipline but to the kids, its boils their blood. They see what they could have had and then it goes to waste. I know many people think this will teach them but my kids aren't learning from this, they are changing drastically and for the worse.
He takes them to toy stores and if they jump around or get too excited, he takes them out and drives back home berating them the entire time on how they could have been playing with a good toy but because they got too excited and made a little but of noise, they can't have anything. They are children for god's sake, they are meant to make some noise. My children aren't animals running around, they simply skip around us or hop a bit, but that is what children do!

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/03/2014

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I cannot even read this whole post. Your husband is VERBALLY ABUSING YOUR CHILDREN and causing irreversible damage to their self esteme and self worth. Kick his ass out and give your kids the love they diserve and encouragement. Just think of what he says and does to them when you are not home???? Get away from him FAST!

He is a MEAN MAN!! He is awful! Stop subjecting your beautiful children to his cruelty!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/07/2014

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1: STOP MAKING EXCUSES. You are in an abusive relationship. You see this, you recognize this, and you ask for advice and confirmation, which you receive. Yet, your first response to the ladies clarifying this to you is "You have to be in our situation to understand". THIS IS AN EXCUSE, TO ENABLE YOUR ABUSER.
Your husband is right, children need consequences for undesirable behaviours. CONSEQUENCES. Not insults, not derisive treatment, not degrading treatment.
~~For example: Should the kids be allowed to go out after dawdling to get ready? Not necessarily, not if they were given a specific task and a time limit in which to complete it. I'm sorry, but your 10 YO can get ready to go to the mall in under 25 minutes, AND help his younger sister to do the same (for example), and the PARENT should be getting the 3 YO ready.

~~Should the kids get treats if their chores aren't done? If they were told to clean their rooms, and given a timeline for completion, but did not meet it, then NO, they should not have treats, and they should understand that if they HAD completed their assigned duty, they would have been rewarded.

~~Should kids be derided, insulted, and treated in a derogatory manner? No. Sometimes I tell my kids that I wonder where their heads are stuck, but I NEVER tell them that they are stupid, etc.

~~Should mistreatment by a step parent be allowed to overshadow their formative years? NO

~~Should said step parent be allowed to discipline? NO.

~~Should you recognize the signs, and take the necessary steps to protect your children? YES, MOST DEFINITELY

YOU are your children's advocate. YOU are responsible for their safety, and their health, both mental and physical. YOU need to recognize that this guy's an asshole, and he needs to go. NOW.

Sarah - posted on 05/07/2014

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This is not okay. You need to protect your children emotionally. Home should be the place they can come to where they are physically and emotionally safe and where they know they are loved.
Take the children out of this situation. There is a book Children are People Too by Dr Louise Porter that is worth reading. Love your children they need your protection.

Kylie - posted on 05/05/2014

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All I can say is put downs including using words like idiot, pig, moron and whatever else I'm sure is being said...STICK! I can still feel the sting 42 yrs on.

Leela - posted on 05/04/2014

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Wow....and you allow this?! Yes there are consequences to every action, but they should not be abusive. He is verbally abusing these kids and sadly you have allowed it and are just as accountable. Those kids deserve better.

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that is a classic example of verbal abuse. He sounds absolutely horrible and if you love your children, like I am positive you do, you will leave his abusive ass. Your children should come first. Not this poor excuse of a man

Randy - posted on 05/04/2014

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KICK HIM OUT! Your kids are more important and if you're finding yourself questioning his way of "discipline", then it is wrong. You seem like you already know that

Dominique - posted on 05/04/2014

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Maybe that's the way he was raised have you tried talking to him about it?

Jodi - posted on 05/03/2014

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Lauren, if you can't reason with him that this is abusive toward your children, and it needs to stop, you need to get out. Between the two of you, you need to come up with a plan of what is acceptable behaviour and consequences, and yelling abusive comments is not part of that. If he can't come to a compromise that will work for both of you AND the children, then it really is in the best interests of the kids for him not to be a part of it.

Lauren - posted on 05/03/2014

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Thank you hun! I understand what you are saying. I will have a serious talk with him. Thank you all for your help. It is very much appreciated!

Jodi - posted on 05/03/2014

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Lauren, what is burning them on the inside is the WAY in which he speaks to them. Make it clear at the beginning that they have 10 minutes to get organised to go out, and if they take 25 minutes to get ready, well, too bad. There is nothing wrong with that at all, and in fact, it creates appropriate boundaries and consequences. Consequences like that are appropriate. But the way in which it is managed needs to be managed appropriately too, and he is abusing your children.

Kitty - posted on 05/03/2014

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Hi Lauren, i see you are in pain and confusion at the moment. I don't blame you, seeing our children faced with such harsh treatment can be a very hard thing. And there is a reason for this. Its not an acceptable way to raise children. What your husband is calling discipline is actually child abuse, and worse, its starting to make your kids like him. THEY are becoming angry and lashing out! This is not what a loving, responsible father should be doing and to be honest reading it makes me concerned for both you and their mental safety. My opinion is that you should remove your kids and yourself from this situation and try to repair some of the damage caused by him and help your children know they are loved and that you will keep them safe :) I know this may sound a bit terrifying but as a person who came from a single mother who removed me from an abusive father I cannot begin to tell you how rewarding it is for both mother and children even if it can be hard sometimes. I really hope this helps, and i really hope that your children and just as importantly that YOU are doing ok.

Lauren - posted on 05/03/2014

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Thank you ladies for your input. Sometimes, you have to be there to understand. Yes, there are consequences but I feel like they get hurt and it burns them inside more than it teaches my children discipline.

Jodi - posted on 05/03/2014

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OK, while I agree that if it is going to take them 25 minutes to go out, and they get distracted, there are consequences, the way in which he is speaking to them is abusive. The "discipline" (consequences to actions) is not wrong (sorry, if you take too long to get ready because you play while you are doing it, then you miss out. If you can't clean your room, then you don't get treats. And so on). But the WAY in which he deals with it is wrong and he shouldn't be berating them this way.

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