is my marraige over??

[deleted account] ( 2 moms have responded )

so I don't really have any girlfriends to talk about this with and if I bring it up to my sisters my whole family would know before the conversation was over.... when I started dating my husband he had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship I had thought they where broken up for a while then after moving in together found out that me and him had started dating with 2 weeks of there break up, at the time I didn't think a lot of it , we got married may 12 2012 before the month was even over I found my husband hiding his phone a lot then found out he had been having very intimate conversations with another girl over time of working on it we got past that.. I had our 3rd child just 5 months ago he was born early and was taken right after birth to make sure he was ok. I had to stay in the hospital for almost a week. during this time I felt so alone and helpless not being able to take care of any of my 3 children the week I got home I noticed my husband spending every second on his phone and leaving at all hours of the night to leave me alone with our 3 children he apparently thinks im blind , when I finally caugh him by the messages on his phone he admitted to seing this other women since then he has gotten rid of the phne and tells me all the time he is going to fix it but honestly the second I new for sure he had been meeting another women while I was at home trying to take care of our new baby and other 2 kids its like I lost everything for him I love him as the father of my kids but I don't no if I will ever move past this I cant even look him in the eye since and tbh we are basicly room mates now he will not try to kiss me ever and tells me that I never try to touch him but he barely talks to me and the worst thing is it doesn't bother me all that much, but its a horrible feeling to love someone with everything you have and with all your heart and it going away in a second >> I have been trying really hard to move past it and to fix our marriage but honestly I am feeling like I wll never get that love back after he did that to me

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Trisha - posted on 02/05/2015

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...I am sorry that you are going through this.
Ultimately, he won't stop as long as you put up with it. It is in his history, and by continuing to attempt to forgive him... you are letting him know you will tolerate it.
My instinct is telling you to leave, and get custody set up, and child support set up.
But my own personal history tells a different story. My husband and I have much the same history.
I almost left, because he pushed me to the point where I JUST didn't care anymore. He was being neglectful by chatting with another woman and I told him "I don't give a shit. Leave tonight and stay at that woman's house, because you pushed me too far."
I had given up. He begged me to give him another chance. We set up counselling, primarily to address his anger issues (which has been a constant issue up until then) and somehow through those sessions of couples therapy he has found himself being the person he always wanted to be (or getting closer to it at least). We never have issues with fidelity anymore, even though it wasn't explicitly addressed at our counselling. It has even gotten to the point were he has informed me that one of our (yes our) ex-playmates contacted him secretly, and attempted to be sexual with him and he shot her down.
My husband has always been what he thought was a sex addict. He wanted attention from the opposite sex constantly. Somehow, through working on being a happier person, that desire drifted away. In fact, he has troubles keeping up with me sexually at this point.
I doubt this post will help, but I thought you should know that there may still be hope, but on the other hand...It might just be easier to get out and take care of your own mental sanity. It is obvious that he is not at all focused on your happiness, and that is not fair.
Also, my husband and I have an open phone policy. We both have access to eachother's phone at all times. In fact, we have eachother's email passwords etc. There should be no reason for locks on phones and secret emails. I know privacy is important, but transparency is more important in my opinion.

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Guest - posted on 02/05/2015

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Wait....are you the Devon that just posted about wanting a vow renewal / Do-over Wedding??

I thought you said you were in a really good place in your marriage.....this doesn't sound like a "good place" at all....

If you are not seeing a marriage counselor, you need to be seeing one. Both of you together. If he refuses, then see someone on your own to help you decide whether you should stay or go. I agree with your decision not to discuss it with friends or family because I think these things are too personal to discuss with people not legally bound by confidentiality laws and completely separate from your life--you never know who will use personal pain to hurt you!

People lie all the time. Sometimes it's intentional, sometimes they really do have the best intentions of doing what they say they will do, but they don't always actually follow through. There is no way to know if your man will ever cheat again or not--there is no way to know if ANY person will ever cheat or not--so you just have to decide whether you love him enough to forgive him or not if he does it. Remember, forgiving is NOT the same as forgetting! I already know that I do not love my husband enough to forgive him if he ever cheats on me, hits me or our son, or calls me derogatory names. He knows that too. My reasoning is that while I DO love him very much, the biggest reasons that I am in love with him are that he is loyal to me and he respects me, and if he lost those aspects of his personality, he just wouldn't be the kind of man I would be in love with anymore. Doesn't mean I don't love other things about him--I do, just not enough other things to make up for those things. Also doesn't mean there are not really awful things he could do that I WOULD be willing to forgive him for. There are, because I do love him so much, things that he could do to hurt me, that I can forgive if we work through them, that other women would not be able to forgive.

Does that make sense. Your values don't have to be the same as mine, or anyone else's. Figure out YOUR values, what YOU love about your man, and what you are willing to forgive to preserve that love, and what kills that love. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about whether you choose to stay and make it work, or walk out the door because they are BOTH GOOD DECISIONS. You just have to choose the one that is best for YOU.

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