Is our relationship going to suffer

Michelle - posted on 08/27/2009 ( 25 moms have responded )

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I have a 9 month old daughter and im thinking about going back to work full time as money is tight and it seems like the only option. I work 2 days a week now and the money i earn doesnt even pay the grocery bill. Im so scared of working 5 days a week 9-5 and only seeing my daughter for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening, im worried we will loose that bond not to mention how much i will miss her. How do you full time working mums manage? I should mention that my man has 2 days off during the week when he will be home with her and she would spend 3 days at nusery.

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[deleted account]

Call me old fashioned, but I think it is important to spend as much time at home with your children (especially under the age of 3) as financially possiable. I work 5 hrs a day with my daughter (I am lucky enough to have a job that allows this) she loves the interaction with the other kids at the age of 13+months, but I think 9-2 is enough, I also take all summer off. I decided that I would rather struggle for a few years while my baby is young and get to be the one that has the biggest influence in bringing her up (they are only young for a short time), where as if she was in a daycare 8-9 hrs a day I feel that it is the daycare that takes on this role. Good luck with what ever you decide, I think most mummies find it hard leaving their children young.

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Rachel - posted on 09/02/2009

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My husband is on full time disability and has been our whole relationship so he is the stay at home dad, which doesn't address your concern... however.... I have always been away from my children and I have a lot of regrets. I would just like to mention that if you do end up working a full time job, just make sure that you do spend every moment leftover with your child. That is my main regret as a full time working mom.

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Hi - when my daughter was 5 months old I went back to work full time. It wasn't easy at first, but looking at things now (my daughter is 4) she hasn't missed out on anything. She goes to creche and loves playing with all the other kids. Some days of course aren't easy when you may be feeling guilty by not being there with your child but you get through this. Make sure you have lots of cuddles when you get home from work. Also get yourself into a routine and be organised - this will help you get through your days. Good luck.

Eva - posted on 09/02/2009

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hey Michelle, it could be a lot worse, but if you really need the money and dad can be with her for some of that time....then you should go back to work. It will get your child use to being with others and broadening her social outlook. Day care is costly and scary, but if you trust your child's caretakers, then everything will work out fine. You don't need to be with them 24-7, but plan quality time and events that will keep you going. It's actually harder on the mom than the chid.

Missi - posted on 08/30/2009

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when i went back to work i put my kids in a daycare...the lady ran the daycare out of her home and only had a few other kids....the good part is i was good friends with her daughter and we went to school together so i think that made it easier....but now my kids seemed more attached to me...they enjoy spending what time we have after work and school....i actually feel like they are excited so much more when they see me there to pick them up....i think u and your daughter will be just fine...

Crystal - posted on 08/30/2009

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I have two and have had to go back to work full-time after both, after a 3-month maternity leave each. It's very hard, I've often wished I could afford to stay home with them but I also love my work (most of the time!). I can't really say if it'll affect the relationship, you'll still love her and she'll still love you, that won't change. My hubby also stays home a couple days during the week now so it acutally makes me feel better that they are home during that time. I get very stressed on the days that I have to get them ready for daycare and out the door and then get home in time to feed, bathe and put them to bed, I feel like I've run around all day and didn't get time to just spend with them.

Carrie - posted on 08/30/2009

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I work fulltime and I can honestly tell you that know your relationship will not suffer. Yeah you may miss her during the day and what not but it will be better in the long run. I am a single mom and had no choice but to go back to work. I work full time. I miss my son during the day but when I get off work and pick him up from daycare then we actually play together.

Cheyenne - posted on 08/29/2009

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Quoting Michelle:

Is our relationship going to suffer

I have a 9 month old daughter and im thinking about going back to work full time as money is tight and it seems like the only option. I work 2 days a week now and the money i earn doesnt even pay the grocery bill. Im so scared of working 5 days a week 9-5 and only seeing my daughter for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening, im worried we will loose that bond not to mention how much i will miss her. How do you full time working mums manage? I should mention that my man has 2 days off during the week when he will be home with her and she would spend 3 days at nusery.


 

Carrie - posted on 08/28/2009

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I completely understand your fears and financial needs. I was a working mom until the birth of my 2nd son. My first was in daycare from the time he was 6 weeks old- crazy, I know. There were some days I would only see him for maybe an hour a day and it sucked... for me. But, your daughter will still love you with all her heart and she will still give you those special grins that you love. You will just need to enjoy and appreciate those days that you do have off. I also recommend trying to work 3 or 4 days a week just to give you that extra time/ adjustment.



Also, be careful to weigh the costs of daycare... sometimes you maybe working for only that expense.

Lisa - posted on 08/28/2009

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Hi! I totally know how you are feeling. I recently went back to work after staying at home with my kiddo for nine months. I can honestly tell you that my relationship with my baby has not suffered. I miss her terribly during the day, but she is soooooo excited to see me when I get home. I too only get about two hours a day with her. I have changed the way I do things to make the most of those two hours. I get up a little bit earlier, so I can be ready for work when she gets up. Then after she finishes her breakfast, we play on the floor until its time to leave. Then she goes to daycare to play with her friends and I go to work. Her dad picks her up in the afternoon and then when I get home from work, we play on the floor until bath time. I was really sad when I went back to work, but she is doing well and she and I are still very close. Try not to have a lot of anxiety about it because I know that my baby picks up on any anxiety I have.

Helen - posted on 08/28/2009

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it's a tough one, I work part time in schools in France and have to prepare my classes at home, because I had to go back when maxence was only 3 months old, and I only had 3 weeks to do before the holidays started, it was grannie that looked after him.When I start again next weeks he will be going to a childminder at least 2 days a week maybe 3. I think if you can find someone (family or a good childcare provider) you're relationship may even be better. Yes it is hard to leave our babies but if by working you can ease some of the stress you can have good quality time with your daughter. As the others say perhaps do 4 days a week to start with and don't forget it's quality not quantity of time that you spend with her.

Nicole - posted on 08/28/2009

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I agree with you Breda my daughter has learned alot from us (loves to read at 20 months) but I believe that a good portion has come from the older children in her daycare. It is not all bad as long as you find either an in home daycare or actual daycare that meets what you are trying to get at home with your child. I have learned that if the child care place is not willing to work with what you have already set with your child do not expect your child to change for them.

Breda - posted on 08/28/2009

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I have worked full time since my 2 1/2 yr old was 7 weeks old. We could definately not afford to live on one income. We are very close and love our weekends and evenings together. I have nothing bad to say about people that stay home with their children, that is wonderful. However, think about it this way.....you are giving your child more socialization with older and younger children that she wouldn't get at home with you. They learn so much from their peers, some good and some bad, but that is all part of it. My child is a little chatterbox and I believe that it is due to her going to daycare and wanting to be like the bigger kids. Plus, her two days with her daddy will be good for their bonding.

Nicole - posted on 08/28/2009

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For the first year of my daughters life me and my husband had opposite working schedules which meant I spent till 3 with my daughter and then my husband would come home and spend the evening with her. Our relationship was great and then I was asked to work the morning shift where I had to put her in daycare 5 days a week. Our relationship is still great I just make sure to make the most of the time in the moring giving her hugs telling her how much mommy loves her and in the evening I make sure that I read her books give her a bath and then put her in bed. On the weekends we go to the park or the zoo. Just because you work does not mean that she is going to forget who you are just make sure you tell her that you love her.

Claudia - posted on 08/28/2009

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Hi Michelle,



I'm a young mom (my daughter is 21 and I'm 42 lookin low 30's lol!). It will always be a hard call to make; I had times when I was able to stay home, others I worked part-time and was mostly home...and there were those times when I was working like a maniac..(both my husband and I were) because times were hard. If I could go back... I would have not worked and instead stay with my daughter; I did see changes in her, specially she was a very happy child when I could be arround and after the time she was in care, she never went back to be completely the happy care free she once was.

Life goes on regardless of what you do for a living or how much you work.. or not.. but the precious time with your kids can never come back. The one reasurance is that no matter how much you are away, your bond with your baby won't be damaged, it still be there. May be you can be creative and find an alternative option, like work from home or some option where you can take your little one along... a mini-small business.... providing customer service for others who do work full time and may be over do it. What ever you decide go with it full force and don't regret it...just make it work... Best wishes!

Cathralynn - posted on 08/28/2009

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Can you adjust the hours of working at all? I have always work and always wanted to as well as we just need two incomes especially now. But I work 5-2. I went back to work when my daughter was two mo and she is 15mo now. Its awesome. I know it sucks when I wake at 4 in the morning but its awesome when I pick my daughter up at two. At nine mo I gave her the afternoon nap and we played and had dinner and then the bedtime routine. In the morning I leave before she wakes and my husband gets her to daycare. I get to spend a good 5hrs with her before bedtime. It really helps and then make the most of your days off. At nine mo your baby has already bonded with you, don't worry. It will make you sad, but there are no permanent scars for your baby. Try to make the best of it.

Lucy - posted on 08/28/2009

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You sound like your in the exact same position as me, my fiancee was made redundant when i was 5months pregnant which meant he had to take a lower paid job. Before this i was going to only work 2 days a week, now though when i return to work i will have to go back mon to fri 8am-4pm. My OH will have our little girl on a mon and tue but the other days she'l have to go to a childminder in the morning and then mym mum will have her in the afternoon. Im so worried our relationship will suffer, but im hoping to continue breastfeeding so we still have that special bond and I guess we'll just have to make weekends extra special.

Jennifer - posted on 08/28/2009

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I am a full time working mom as is my husband. We have a three year old who goes to day care full time, she started when she was 6 months old I went back to work after 10 weeks. I have to admit it was really hard at first and sometimes it still is and when I fel like I need to spend some extra time with her I take a day off and spend it with her. My daughter loves her school and her friends. She is really well adjusted because of school. With working full time what we do is make the best of the time we have with her. We leave our weekends as open as possible to do fun things with her or just hang out. Working full time is hard but taking care of your family is really important. I think also it shows your child as they get older that they can do anything. If my husband was home with her two days a week it would ease my guilty mom feeling alot but that doesn't work for us. So count your blessings it is nice that he can do that. My daughter and I have a great bond and that has never changes and I wont let it either. It is what you do with your time you have with her not the amount of time you spend. Hope that helps.

Alana - posted on 08/28/2009

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Michelle,I felt the same as you did with my daughter, I did not want to go back to work.I had to, financially we didnt have a choice. I now have 3 children, 10, 9 and 7. The best advice I can give you is when you are with your daughter, make it quality time. As far as managing, be organized and somewaht scheduled.

Lisa - posted on 08/28/2009

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If you can - how about 4 days? Perhaps try to make Wednesday your day off so that way its only two days in a row when you'll be away from bubs, instead of 5. I have a daughter (just turned 2) and am working, at one stage I was working 3 full days in a row, and I personally found that by the time the third day came I really just wanted to be home with her, and so did she, it was too much. So I dropped the third day and now things are great, and we both handle the two days in a row away from each other fine. Good luck with your decision.

Malinda - posted on 08/27/2009

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I'm a working mom by choice, and I can tell you that my relationship with my son is wonderful and not at all marred by my career. I returned to work when he was 4 months old and have never experienced any of the horror story working mom things that people talk about (like missing major milestones or having my son prefer his nanny over me). He knows who his Mommy is and enjoys his days socializing and learning just as much as I enjoy mine. Then we see each other at the end of the day refreshed and looking forward to spending time. I'm *always* the one to put him to bed (even on date nights with my husband - this ritual is very important to me) and we have a nice breakfast together in the mornings. Then the weekends are all about family time, so we really don't miss out on time together. In fact, I feel that for us, we have more nurturing time together because it's so focused on being together and not just another day at home.



You find your rhythm. Your children adapt to their reality and as long as you are loving and present when you get home, they do not suffer for your choices.



Good luck - I know that many women struggle with this desicion. If you love your daughter, and I know you do, then being away from her during the day isn't going to change anything between you.

Susan - posted on 08/27/2009

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I had to go back to work when my son was 9 weeks old, and it broke my heart. Although I work from home, it was just too much to take care of him and be productive, so I found a great in-home sitter who keeps her own two children during the day. At first I was worried that I would miss all of his firsts - first smile, first laugh, first step, but it's almost like he knows to save that for Mommy. I haven't missed a thing, and it honestly has made me a better mother, because I now cherish and make more of the time we do spend together rather than taking it for granted. There are still days where I wish there were more hours, but it really has worked out well. I agree with Sharon that kids are forgiving, but most importantly, you are Mommy and no one, NO ONE, will ever take your place. You have to do what you have to do to make her life as fulfilled as it can be. Like the cliche - quality over quantity - it really holds true.



Best of luck - I can relate to the difficult decision this must be, but try to focus on the positives.

Sharon - posted on 08/27/2009

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compromise? 4 days a week rather than 5?



your relationship isn't going to suffer any more than your relationship with your husband. less actually as kids are more understanding.

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