is the word i'm looking for selfish?

Tootie - posted on 09/23/2011 ( 13 moms have responded )

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Hell all,
My husband and I have been together for 13yrs, married for 9 and he's my bestfriend. I'm not from this State so anyone I know, I know through him. I don't work or drive and I'm a mom who has sickle cell anemia.
as I said before, he's my bestfrien,he's all I know. oh yeah, I'm 32 he's 35. We do EVERYTHING together, when we were younger, we kind of went our seperate ways when it came to hanging out but even then, for the most part, we did it together. We have routines, we watch the football game EVERY sunday together, thats what we do. he takes me everywhere because I don't drive.
But every so often, someone comes in the picture and tries to interfear with "this" and I get bothered. to me it's a problem but to him it's just someone else coming aroung us.
Now maybe i should be seeing things the way he is but when he does thing without me, i feel left out or like he's not thinking of me and i know thats not the case. i know he has to want to do other things,with other people but this is 13 yrs and i don't know how to respond to this.
I can't do a lot when it gets cold because of my sickle cee so that makes me feel bad too. Maybe i'm just over reacting and being selfish but i don't mean to be. what should i do?

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JuLeah - posted on 09/23/2011

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One person can not be everything for you; just can't. If you ask that of a person you will wear them out.

I have a lot of needs, so a lot of different people, causes, activities in my life to full fill those needs.

You need to meet people, get involved, have hobbies that he does not share, volunteer, get out ... people with all kinds of disabilities get out and get into life. You can too.

Cynthia - posted on 09/23/2011

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There are on line groups for co-dependent people. for some people co dependency is as harmful as drug addiction. it is a real condition and there is a real treatment. this is my opinion. good luck to you

Cynthia - posted on 09/25/2011

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we all have ups and downs in life and in relationships, thats just life. my advice to you has changed based on the added info. i want to tell you to embrace what you have and be grateful for where you are. maybe you just need to except where you are and believe in the person that you are and what you know. count your blessings and don't sweet the small stuff. this is my opinion

JuLeah - posted on 09/24/2011

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Well, there is always another side ... but my response will be basically the same.



If change is what you want, you need to take action.



While he is out, call a woman’s shelter or hotline and chat for a bit. Explain why you don’t drive and how you are not really allowed out. And, not leaving the house because you want to keep things calm is the same as not being allowed.



Partners want the best for us. They want us to be strong, happy, and confident. They want us to have all we want. They want is to have adventured, to travel, to have friends, be close with family. They want us to use our skills and talents to make this world a better place.



Partners trust us, so don’t worry when we have friends, even close friends. They understand how important that it for our emotional health.

This is all part of a healthy relationship.



http://www.turningpointservices.org/Dome...



Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him he wishes to cut you off from the outside world. He keeps you from seeing family or friends. Does he prevent you from going to work or school? Do you ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone?



That is not a healthy relationship and you have choices



Dominance – Does he feel in charge of the relationship? Does he make decisions for you, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question? Do you ever feel like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession?



Not healthy and again you have choices



Humiliation – Sometimes a person will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.



Not healthy and things can change



Many Many women change situations such as this – I did

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Cynthia - posted on 09/25/2011

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you are welcome. life is beautiful! don't let your mind take you to an ugly place. except where you are in life and embrace the beauty that is all around you.

Tootie - posted on 09/25/2011

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I have to tell u all that it's not like that, actualy I'm very open and opinionated and all that, I'm not the sheltered person that u think. it is exactly how i said it is but not in a negative way. Thank u all so much for having my back but it's not. WE Both know that his jealousy is a problem but not to where i'm held captive or anything. I don't have friends and when i say his friend i mean the wives/girlfriends, they're my girls but we didn't grow up together, thats my deff of friends. i don't have females i can depend on, call up in the middle of the night, stuff like that. He doesn't want me driving but thats because i have had stalkers and my life has been in danger, it's not just him but my mother who lives nxt door and my brother across the street, they will take me where i need to go before they take me to get a license. it's not just him, it's everyone around me. I'm lil and sick so I've always been treated "differently". but i do believe i'm too attached to him and i do understand that i need to be more independent and maybe that will change soon. I think i just have to be willing to do things on my own. and NO, I don't ask permission for ANYTHING,lol thats just me but thank u all soooo much for ur input but no need to be that concerned. i'm ok, i think just a lil lonley at times but ok. :)

Amanda - posted on 09/25/2011

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Tootie huge red flags are going off in my head right now. You just said some of the major signs of abuse. This is not healthy for you, and you are not alone. Like Juleah said call a womans help line, speak to a professional and be 100% honest with them. It saddens me when I see or hear about men having such control over their woman, for their own selfish reasons.

Tootie - posted on 09/24/2011

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Thank u all but now here is the other side to that. He's a wonderful person and I dnt want to make him look bad but it's realy not all me. I don't drive because he doesn't want me too, he's not real big on me going out w/o him. I'm 100.6 lbs and I've had stalkers, he's also jealous and scared sum1 better will come along and take me from him. I've assured him and have never done anything wrong,he's just that type of person. And he feels ppl are shady so I shouldn't want to make new friends at my age. I should be happy with who I have,his friends. So see, I want to make him happy and keep my house calm but I just dnt know what to do.

Stifler's - posted on 09/23/2011

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You need to maybe make new friends and do something without him every once in a while too. It's not selfish like Cynthia said, it's co-dependency.

[deleted account]

I'm in the same boat. I don't any any friends in the area and all family is too far away to get together on a regular basis. Sometimes I really want to tell off my husband's friends. I only recently learned to drive too, but we only have one car so there isn't that big of a difference.

One thing that helped a lot, was that his friends often come over to our place to play games. When he does go over to their places, we know about it at least a week in advance. If there is something we have planned he doesn't go. Having it planned out made it easier for me to let him go and be home. He also started to make sure that it was later in the evening after our daughter would be in bed. There are times when that doesn't work out, but I can handle the once in a whiles.

Firebird - posted on 09/23/2011

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I don't know if selfish is the word I'd use, seems a little too strong for your situation. "Set in your ways" seems a little more accurate. Maybe when he's going out, you could invite a few friends over for a game of cards or a movie night? Just something to keep you busy until your husband gets home. Have some company over, so you have someone to talk to. You might not feel so left out that way.

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