Is this behavior for and adult child?

Susan - posted on 03/23/2016 ( 21 moms have responded )

36

0

9

My adult daughter is the single mother of a toddler. When her son is away for one night, she is lonely. Instead of using that time to study, go out with friends, to laundry, read etc, she picks up a friend of her son's and invites him over to keep her company. This "guy" is in his early twenties.He plays with my grandson and is a former neighbor. My grandson loves him!
The other night, she picked him up to stay over because she didn't feel good and, again, she was alone. I would love to know what my moms think and if I should say anything, and if so, what should I say? She lives 160 miles away from me. (My daughter is 33). Thanks moms!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/24/2016

13,264

21

2015

SHE IS AN ADULT. Therefore, you even asking "what should I do" is an invasion of HER privacy.

I see that you've since added to your story, claiming that the kid is now 16, rather than in his 20's...but you really don't KNOW either way, now do you? How much of this could be your daughter making up something outrageous to get you off her back, since she's an adult, living on her own, successfully raising her child?

Honestly, were you my mother, and I 33 years old, raising my kid, and generally "adulting"...I'd be pretty damned pissed off that you even had the audacity to criticize how I was living my life. If I get lonely and want companionship when my kid is away, that is my business.

Personally? I'd back off. You don't have to LIKE how she chooses to spend her time, but it is HER time. Granted, if she IS potentially committing a crime, there is a problem, but at this point, you saying anything about it could only potentially escalate the situation into something less palatable than it is now.

21 Comments

View replies by

Sarah - posted on 03/29/2016

10,410

0

26

I think this has met its limit...unless there is any more productive advice? Your duaghter is an adult, everyone agrees.
The consensus of it is weird for her to want a teen friend and it is weird for a teen to befriend a toddler has been established.
If you don't want to talk about it with her, tell her to keep her private life private.
Personally, my take is this kid is interested in your daughter; he befriends her child and thus befriends her; setting the stage for her to invite him over when the toddler is gone. I think there is a sexual component. I hope not as she could go to jail. But really? She is lonely and her companion of choice is a teen boy? That makes no sense. I'd invite my sister, or a girlfriend over; not some kid who I have to pay for his food and he can't even discuss parenting or other adult topics? It doesn't make sense at all.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/29/2016

13,264

21

2015

Do NOT yell at me. You have absolutely no right nor reason to do so.

Peace, out

Michelle - posted on 03/28/2016

4,567

8

3247

*****************Mod Warning*****************
Please stop yelling ladies or I will have to close this thread.
Michelle,
WtCoM Mod.

Susan - posted on 03/28/2016

36

0

9

Put on your glasses Shawna and go back and read ALL the posts.

I DID NOT INITIATE THE CONVERSATION. MY DAUGHTER CALLED, ME!
THE SHE PROCEEDED THAT SHE WAS ON HER WAY BACK FOR PICKING UP A FRIEND OF HER SON'S SO HE CAN KEEP HER COMPANY, MARK, SAYS, "HI MOM".
"HELLO MARK". THEN SHE PROCEEDS TO TELL ME THAT SHE IS AFRAID TO BE BY HERSELF. DURING ALL OF THIS, I SAID NOTHING! SHE DOESN'T FEEL I AM HOVERING APPARENTLY, IF SHE DID, SHE WOULDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING. SHE SHARES ALOT OF HER BUSINESS WITH ME, MORE THAN I CARE TO KNOW.
SECONDLY, I HAVE ONLY MENTIONED ONE TIME ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP YOU POTENTIALLY HAVE WITH YOUR MOTHER. YOU ARE PUTTING WORDS IN MY
MOUTH AND TWISTING THING

THIRD,SHAWNN, THE TRICK IS KNOWING WHEN TO QUIT!!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/28/2016

13,264

21

2015

Or, for God's sake, she's giving you a line so that she doesn't have to get in your face and say "Mom, I'm an ADULT for christ's sake, PLEASE STOP hovering..."

That's my take, anyway.

No more comments about how you KNOW my relationship with my mother sucks, baby, because I guarantee that I have an excellent one...mainly because she doesn't HOVER.

Susan - posted on 03/28/2016

36

0

9

Sarah,

I think it is weird too. I have not brought the subject up. Once again, I don't believe she would do anything inappropriate with this "kid".
I just wonder why she wouldn't have invited someone closer to her age to come over?
She doesn't like to be by herself. She apparently doesn't enjoy her own company.

I don't know of any 16 yr olds that enjoy playing with a toddler either.
Maybe he treats her son better than her ex does........

Sarah - posted on 03/28/2016

10,410

0

26

I stand by my opinion that something is way off in a few ways. What 16 yo likes to hang out with a toddler? For your grandson to have a teenage buddy is way weird. Weirder still is a grown woman wanting to have a platonic sleep over with a child half her age. Your level of involvement in your daughter's affairs is your business.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/25/2016

13,264

21

2015

LMAO. Seriously, assume much? You have absolutely zero clue as to what my relationship with my mother is or is not. You didn't even bother to actually READ the sentence where I stated "this is paraphrased" Like I'm actually going to lay out the entire script of what we say.

So, I clearly dont' know your daughter, and you don't know me.
Nuff said.

Susan - posted on 03/25/2016

36

0

9

You clearly don't know my daughter.
As I stated previously, I did not initiate the conversation with my daughter. In fact, I don't call her that often, I usually let her call me.
She called ME and the conversation went something like" Hi Mom, what are u doing?
I replied as to what I was doing and then she said," I am driving back from Mark's house, you remember me telling you that he and my son play together, right?" I said, yes I think so." " Well, I am not feeling well and I don't want to be alone, so Mark is coming over to keep me company." Then all of a sudden I hear, "Hi Mom!" I said, " Hi Mark," ............that was it! I asked her no questions and she told me no lies. I don't believe she had any intentions to do anything inappropriate with this kid. She's not that way. It was only the next day when she called me back that I casually asked her how old Mark was, and that's when she told me. I said nothing. I changed the subject.
My daughter and I do have our differences. But unlike your relationship with your mother, my daughter shares alot with me. Even more that I care to know about. We can be on the phone for hours making small talk. I get bored, but I do it because I feel the need is there.
Now, let me make something very clear, I am not "hovering" over my adult daughter!
Do you now understand????

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/25/2016

13,264

21

2015

I'm still thinking that, somehow, you initiated the whole convo. Seriously, at 33, the topic of conversation with my mother was generally: Hi, how are you, how are things going, things are great, Kids are good, hubs is good, great to talk to you, love you, bye.

Ok, so that was a general, paraphrased version, but I certainly wouldn't have been like "hey, Mom, how's it going...I'm going to pick up some 16 YO kid to spend the night with while my kid isn't home". Why? Because 1)It was none of her business at that point, and had NOT been her business since the day I turned 18, and 2) Seriously, who actually has that conversation with their mother?

I'm sticking with my answer. Quit hovering over your well into adulthood daughter

Susan - posted on 03/24/2016

36

0

9

First of all, Sarah, Michelle and Shawn, I NEVER asked her what she was doing.
She volunteered to share with me that she was picking up "Mike", who was her son's
friend, and bringing him back to the house to keep her company last night. She had me on the speaker phone and he said, "hi mom" to me. I repled, " Hi Mike". I have never
met this kid before. I didn't ask her any questions last night.

This morning when I asked her why she picked him up, I found out it was because he doesn't drive, he's 16. Still, I said NOTHING.

I just find it a little concerning that she would rather find company with a teenager than with friends her age. Just sayin..................

Michelle - posted on 03/24/2016

4,567

8

3247

I'm wondering how the OP knows all of this. I never told my Mother what I was doing all the time, it was none of her business.
My first comment still stands though, she's an adult. Let her live her life and stop finding out what she is doing all the time. What she does in her house is none of your business.

Sarah - posted on 03/24/2016

10,410

0

26

Something here does not make sense. Why she'd elect to spend the night with a teen rather than company of an adult of either sex, seems very weird to me. But everyone is right. It is not your business.

Susan - posted on 03/24/2016

36

0

9

I live 3 hours away and have never met this kid, let alone, met his parents. Not sure
why he even called me mom when he has never met me. I am fine with being called "mom" as my daughters other friends who I have known a long time and have developed a close relationship with them over the years, call me mom. They are like family to me.

Having said that, I don't think anything inappropriate is going on there. I feel pretty confidant about that. She has always been uncomfortable with being alone and will invite people over. I just wonder why she doesn't like to be by herself and enjoy her own company. She has a very active toddler who keeps her on her toes and she is in school. I would think she would welcome some down time. But maybe it is just a personal preference.

Dove - posted on 03/24/2016

12,476

0

1354

16 is weird and I'd be asking her what his parents think about that. If they even know....

Ev - posted on 03/24/2016

8,166

7

919

If this guy is 16 and he is staying over at night with her there is not telling what they are doing.....she could go to jail for statutory rape if they are sexually involved.

Susan - posted on 03/24/2016

36

0

9

Yes, but last night he called me "mom". I never met the guy and later (after I posted this) I asked her why she was picking him up to bring him to her house, she said, he is only 16, not in his twenties as I originally thought.

Personally, I find it odd that someone I never met is calling me mom, and call me old
fashioned, but I don't think a 33 should be hanging out with a 16 year old.

Maybe I am a little old fashioned.

Sarah - posted on 03/24/2016

10,410

0

26

i agree. You would not meddle in her love life if she were married, or childless would you? She's an adult, if she does not wan to study, do laundry or read when she is alone but prefers the comfort of a man, that is her business.
I find it odd that you identify this man as a friend to your grandchild. He may enjoy the boy and be a great guy with kids, but he isn't coming over to fill in for her son. If she wants to have adult company and likes and trusts this guy, so be it. If she were inviting a 20 something woman over, how would you feel about that?

Michelle - posted on 03/24/2016

4,567

8

3247

What should you do? Let her live her own life. It's of no concern to you what she does, especially if it's when her son isn't around.

Dove - posted on 03/23/2016

12,476

0

1354

If your 33 year old daughter wants to have a sleepover w/ a 20 something year old guy when her son isn't home... It's honestly none of your business. They are both consenting adults, so what they do w/ their free time is their decision.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms