Is this fair or am I overreacting?

Kari - posted on 07/16/2011 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I need to ask you all your opinion on this matter. I have brothers that are 5 years older than me. My one brother has 4 kids, ages 2,3,9 and 10. My other brother has 3 kids, ages 12,8, and newborn. I have 1 child who is 5. I've never had the closest relationship with my brothers but I feel now because of this my child is suffering. My brothers (and their wives) are always doing stuff together, the kids have sleepovers and play dates all the time. My daughter loves to do stuff with the kids but if I want the kids to play together, I always have to pick them up and bring them to my house. I am so frustrated over this. This is a reaccurring problem and lfdast night I stopped to see if my neice wanted to have a sleepover but what do you know, my other neice was already having one there. So I post on my facebook page "How do you teach a 5 year old the art of not being included in things?" This set off a major blowup with my parents because my one brother got upset over this. I didn't include names, I didn't point fingers at anyone so my thought was that they must be feeling guilty. Any how, I see this as a major problem as I feel my daughter is getting left out and I feel bad for her because she crys over not being invited to do anything.

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Christy - posted on 07/16/2011

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For future reference, don't use FB to say anything about how you feel about your bros and how they are treating you and your daughter. You should talk to them directly and tell them how you are feeling. (Personally, I would apologize about the FB post you talked about in your post to both of them, and leave your parents out of it totally, they(your parents) deserve no apology. Your brothers may be closer to each other than you are to either of them, and neither of the 2 may not realize the effect they are having on your daughter. Just tell them in an assertive manner. ***HUGS!***

Stifler's - posted on 07/17/2011

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Maybe you should work on the relationship with your brothers? I think it is unfair and sad for your daughter but maybe they are closer and communicate a lot more often? Also I agree with the others, Facebook isn't the best way to get a point across.

Jodi - posted on 07/17/2011

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Can I just ask which age are these two nieces? It seems to me that your daughter is not such a close age to any of the rest of the kids, there is quite a difference. Maybe, if they are a bit older, they didn't WANT a 5 year old around? I can kind of understand that.

Secondly, your daughter would only know she wasn't included if you (or someone else) told her that.

Thirdly, I know you have tried to explain away what you posted on FB, but really, it is a bit of a backhanded insult. I can see why there may have been a blow out.

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Louise - posted on 07/17/2011

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Confront the wives why they feel they can miss out your child! Is it her age, is she hard going, what! Tell them you are aware it is going on so would they please tell you why. Tell them it is upsetting your child and laden them with guilt that they are doing this. They may have issues with you! Just ask them why and then you can deal with it from there.

Peita - posted on 07/17/2011

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I have a brother like that too, he has 2 children and they do lots with his wifes family, but very rarely come to anything to do with us, no kids birthday's, no holidays (eg.christmas and easter), no stop by to say hi :-( I was asked by a friend of my brothers how they were, my response was 'I don't know I rarely see them', which was the truth, the very next day I had my brother calling me on the phone and swearing and yelling at me that I was bad mouthing him and his family..... I went ballistic at him, and told him how selfish he was and how he had no interest in his nieces and nephews and do you know what?? Not a single thing changed, we still talk to each other, but they never come to anything for my kids etc. My eldest daughter just turned 5 and he has never hugged or kissed her ever, my kids don't call them Uncle and Aunty because they don't feel comfortable doing it, it is very sad as their 2 children will never be close with a great bunch of cousins on this side of the family, in saying that, I have just decided not to get strung out about it all, I used to get so upset about it all, but when I had my 3rd child 20 months ago, I nearly lost my life to a rare complication that wasn't picked up until after I gave birth, they came and saw me in hospital once and I feel that they only did that because they had to and then when I made a big deal out of my babies 1st birthday (as it was about me and her) they didn't come, I know who counts in my life and who will always be there for me and it is not them. I guess what I am saying is, 'Is it worth the heartache to yourself and your little girl to keep trying??' I am MUCH happier now that I don't worry about all the family politics and I have a great bunch of friends who have kids and my kids never miss out with all of our friends and the family who care about us.....It is my brothers kids who are going to miss out!!! I was close to the brother I don't see anymore whilewe were growing up, but when they started having kids, things went down hill for some reason, their eldest child is only 3 months younger than my 5yo and they don't even know they are cousins, we aren't allowed to take their kids for playdates, not allowed to pick them up and take them to the park with us, we aren't allowed to babysit them, but my SIL's family is allowed to do all of it, the funny thing is that I have a diploma in early childhood studies and I have worked in childcare for 12yrs, kids are my life, I enjoy spending time with children, but for some reason I am not good enough to look after their children!! It took me many years to move past the upset of this, but it is best for me to just walk away and be happy with what I have.. Is your little girl at school?? Maybe encourage her to invite friends over for a play, you will make some new friends by meeting the parents and your little girl will have children and adults around her who will be happy to be there... I know it is hard, but sometimes it is better to cut your losses and move on... I hope you sort things out one way or another and I hope that eventually everyone is happy with things.....

Kari - posted on 07/16/2011

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I've spoken at great length with them about this. They don't see it as a problem. As to the facebook thing, I never pointed fingers at anyone and posts like that are not uncommon because I deal with the same things with my daughters father. I have very few people on my friends list, its only people I consider close to me and I look to for advice. So in regards to someone saying I should apologize to my brothers, there will be no such thing happening. The only reason there was a "blowout" was because its always been that I'm not allowed to have feelings about things and I am not to upset my brothers. Its funny that they didn't like something that I say so they run to my mother only because they know she'll yell at me about it and defend them. Did I mention that my brothers are 32 years old?!

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Well... using Facebook is a passive aggressive way to 'handle' things, so I can see why there was a blow out. You and your daughter's feelings are completely justified, but you need to talk directly to the people involved and tell them how you feel.

Katherine - posted on 07/16/2011

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Awww, I don't think that's fair at all. That's actually really rude and I would be upset too.
So they never tell you? They just don't include her? Have you talked to them at length about this?
I probably would have posted something similar, to be honest with you. That's very heartbreaking for a young girl.
Hopefully you can talk to them and resolve the issue.

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