Is this really a problem?

Staying - posted on 03/04/2015 ( 3 moms have responded )




Husband of 7 years constantly demands to be alone. He sleeps on the couch and gets angry if myself or my kids want to be in the same room with him at any given time.

He stays at home with our 2.5 year old, I own my own business and work outside the home full time, and run a smaller online business on the side. He has been out of work for about 1.5 years.

Aside from working, I cook, do most of the cleaning, all of the laundry, shopping, errands, bill paying, etc. He doesn't have any obligations aside from looking after the youngest and being home when our 4th grader comes home from school and doesn't take it upon himself to do anything extra. He stays up late because he says he can't sleep, and him (along with the 2.5 year old) sleep until at least 11AM while I am at work.

In addition to his constant demand to be alone, he also rarely attends outings (ie: soccer games, school functions). The worst part is his attitude, he is constantly and consistently rude to me and our children. He calls my daughter fat (she isn't, her DR advises she is in a healthy and normal weight for her age), he tells both kids that they are stupid, idiots, annoying, pieces of sh*t, etc. He cusses at them regularly "get the f*uck out of my way".. etc.

He makes constant comments about my weight (I'm a size 4) and says things like "you need to take your fat a*s to the gym", and also comments whenever he can about what I am not doing right, or things he asked me to do that I forgot to do.

I bring up the fact that he shouldn't speak to the kids like that, because they will take it personally, and that it breaks my heart to hear someone (that is supposed to love them) speak to them that way. His stance on it is "well if they don't listen to me and 'don't hear me' when I ask them to do something 3 or 4 different times, they aren't listening to those things either, so what does it matter?" or "well they deserve it for being stupid".

Both kids are smart, respectful and very well mannered, my son always did well in day care (before I stopped paying for him to go since the husband was staying at home) and my daughter has no issues at school, sports, etc. We get compliments on their behavior all the time. They are just being kids and in my opinion need understanding, guidance and encouragement.

What do you think?


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Michelle - posted on 03/04/2015




I would be telling him that things need to change now and they will start with him shutting his mouth when it comes to the nasty comments about you and the children. That is abuse and no one should be treated like that.
Then I would be telling him that you will give him a chore list that you expect to be finished by the time you get home from work. A marriage is a partnership and if he can't do his part then you will have to seriously think about leaving.
Why do you have to work 2 jobs AND do everything at home while he sits on his fat ass and does nothing?
I would also give him a timeline to see some change. Let him know that if things don't drastically improve in the nest 3 months you are out.

Staying - posted on 03/04/2015




Thank you! Good points.

He says he doesn't care that I make the money, he has been in counseling on and off, but in single sessions he won't bring up these issues. He is on medication, it has calmed him down a little... but no dramatic change over the last 2 years. We have tried counseling sessions together and it doesn't seem to make any difference because he won't taken ownership for his actions and thinks that everyone that doesn't agree with him is an idiot.

I feel the issue with the counseling was that we didn't have a very assertive counselor, the one we had put a bad taste in his mouth and he isn't willing to try again. I need help getting him to understand that he really is wrong and his behavior is not acceptable. When we talk he says I need to "get off my high horse".

Gena - posted on 03/04/2015




Something has to change!Your husband is being verbaly abusive and that should stop. Is he annoyed that you make the money? I would sit down and talk to him. I think he should go to counseling,or couples therapy. Its not good how he is treating the children and you.

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