Is this what you would call bad parenting?

Brianna - posted on 07/08/2013 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I am 19 years old and I just had a baby who is now 4 weeks old. My sons father is 21 years old and stays 2 hours away (because he is in college). My problem with him is I feel like he goes about things the wrong way, for example when I was pregnant he would go days without talking to me or checking on me. That use to hurt my feelings and ultimately I knew he would do the same thing once my son was born. Now that he is here he does the same thing! He goes 2 or 3 days without checking on him, which really pisses me off. The only way they can communicate during the week is skype or FaceTime, and he really only has weekends to see him (which I feel like he should take advantage of because once school start back in August he will not be able to see him for the first few months because of football).
One weekend he came to see him friday but left the next day to go "out of town" and come to find out he went to a college town a couple hours away for go drink with his friends & with his ex who is also his so called friend.
Each time I tell myself to just leave him alone its like I get sucked back in when he finally does decide to check on him. I have tried to tell him how it makes me feel when he doesnt check on him, but he sees nothing wrong with it. I honestly wish I could remove myself from the situation but I know it will take time.
are his actions wrong or am I just overreacting? & what would you do if you were in my shoes?

Side note: My childs father & I are not together & never have been.

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Jodi - posted on 07/09/2013

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Um, no, I totally disagree with the other posters. Every child has a right to know their parents. Just because he isn't ready to be a full time parent right now doesn't mean you have the right to make a decision to remove him from your child's life. Sure, he is not being particularly responsible right now. He's young. Your baby is only 4 weeks old. He probably doesn't understand what you are expecting of him. Have you spelled it out?

You have absolutely NO RIGHT to remove the father from contact with his child. None. What you do have the right to do is engage a lawyer and file for primary custody and child support, and then establish a court ordered visitation schedule for the father. But if you decide to refuse the father any rights of your own volition, you are not doing the right thing by your child.

Melanie - posted on 07/08/2013

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His actions are wrong. It seems to me that he doesn't really want to be a dad. Sadly enough it will probably be better without trying to even let him be part of your little ones life. As your little one gets older it will be harder for him to understand a dad coming in and out then not having one at all.

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Sal - posted on 07/12/2013

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I don't envy your situation at all.. But you need to face the reality of your situation, and this is one of co-parenting
from your post (right till your last comment) I thought you were a couple, which makes your request for him to call more often and spend more time with you totally reasonable, but as he isn't your bf your expectations have to reflect the realatonship you have.. Make sure you know exactly what You and your son need from him and what he is expecting from you and what he is able to commit to.. And then get a plan in place that will give a great result for your son.. At the age of 4 weeks you are pretty much everything your baby needs, i know ill have people will argue with me but even in my marriage while my hubby loves seeing our new babies but its me who is with bub..so relax and enjoy this time with your baby, son and his father have a whole life time together.. Consistent regular meaningful visits are important but daily or very frequent calls are more about your needs then your sons, it makes no difference to him.. Make a time to schedual a parent chat or agree to an email contact..
I also feel you sound a little jealous of him still living his old life while you are home with the baby.. I totally understand that feeling.. Would you be comfortable with your son staying overnight or even just alone with your son, if he lives in a college is that even an option? If so arrange a over night stay so you can get some social life and a little bit of your old life back..
Mostly be kind to yourself you need to love your new role, don't focus on his dad

Tina - posted on 07/12/2013

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I was in a similar situation & it took a long time (our daughter is nearly 5 now) for me to accept that that was how he was. I cried a lot & it hurt a lot to be that kind of woman that had a baby w/ a guy who lived w/ 1 foot out the door until he slipped out completely. To this day, he never asks about her. When I bring her up, he talks about his other 2 he's had since her, w/ his now, wife. It's still hard but I'm cried out & now it's just a bit of a surprise b/c it's just a different way that he ignores her. Nothing really changed. You'll overcome. We always do. When faced w/ monumental challenges, we get nervous & ask "how the hell am I going to do that?" then in a blink of an eye, you're on the other side of that mountain & feel such relief & like you were on autopilot the entire time. :)

Ev - posted on 07/10/2013

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Roxanne--It is what it is. People have sex irregardless of protection or not and she has child and its so unfortunate that people do this time and again and hear about but do not stop to think about what they are doing. I feel for her. And Little Miss is right along with the most of us except the ones that said dad need no part in things.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/10/2013

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And I agree, removing the father from the situation all together isn't right but making sure you have custody is important. Yeah he is 21 but age has nothing to do with it. She is younger, 19 and is being an adult. He clearly has no understanding of what being a full time mom to an infant is, and he doesn't want to.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/10/2013

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He clearly doesn't want to be a full time dad. Unfortunately he is missing out and that is his choice. Personally I would get a lawyer and make sure I had full custody and grant him visitations on certain days. If he does not show up on his days, tough luck. He is not your boyfriend or husband, so don't expect much. Some boys are just dicks.

Enna - posted on 07/10/2013

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I don't think she ever said that she had unprotected sex with the baby's father. I had my daughter when I was 19, and I was taking birth control pills every day. It can happen no matter how careful you are, which is why I tell the girls around me that the only way they can be completely sure is not to have sex until they are ready to have a baby.
I think he's definitely wrong. He's being immature. Hopefully he'll grow out of it in a few years and will be more involved.
I would definitely get custody, get a child support order, etc. However, a visitation schedule with your son doesn't mean he necessarily has to show up.
As a side note: how can you have a baby with this guy if you've never been together? (I'm joking)

Ev - posted on 07/09/2013

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Danielle and Melanie--Respectfully, I have to totally disagree with your comments on the shoving the dad out of the life of the child. He is 21 years old and obviously not ready to parent fully yet nor was he I am anticipating not expecting to be a dad this young. I am sure she did not want to be a mom at 19 either nor expect it. Its going to be a hard road ahead no matter what; she has this child for 18 years if not longer.

To answer your questions, Brianna, it was wrong of him to be so sporadic in his visits, checking in and so on of you and the child. But you can not dictate what he does when he is not around. You can be mad that he chose other things over his kid and you; but this is more about the child than you or him. Its about him taking responsibility for the baby and providing for the baby. This means like what has been said, getting a lawyer and filing for primary care and child support and visitation schedule. You said this guy is a football player? Is he a major player for this team? Is that why you said he would be gone a lot in the fall? Just curious is all. Once you have established primary custody and child support you will have to follow the court orders to the T. They do not like it if you do not and that means the father gets to see his child even if its sporadic. I would suggest trying to get the court to agree to your terms of visitation (it can be done in some cases depending on judge) starting out a few times a week for a couple hours at a time for instance (in case you are breast feeding the judge is not going to do overnight visits) until your child is nearly two and then regular visits be established at that point. He will also be responsible for child support meaning if he is not making any money from a job he will have to pay the minimum amount set by your state until he does get a job and then you can take him to court to get it increased. But you have to understand that the custody can go to him too and you would be required to do what I just described. There is also going to be medical insurance, doctors office visits, clothing, food, transportation for said visits as well as being taken to school and what not, school supplies eventually, school trips and fees, other expenses that come up unexpectedly, shelter over his head, and the list goes on and on. Its a lot to have to care for a child or children.

I know this might sound harsh but it really saddens me to hear all these stories about women of any age that have unprotected sex with a man and then fall pregnant. Then all this drama happens about what the baby daddy did or baby mama did. Its not about the adults. It is not about the CHILD. That child did not ask to be born into this world and will be the one to suffer for all of what goes on. The child has no say in his or her life on any issue. He or she has to go with what mom or dad says and does until they reach 18 and that is a long time to wait to get out of a situation that child hates. I would hope that after one time of getting pregnant that men and women would stop and think about protection against pregnancy and wait until they are in a relationship that is going to be more or less stable (not six months of dating or less but more like over a couple of years or more) and then it might be okay to have relations. People do not have much respect for themselves anymore and some will automatically sleep with whomever they are with at the time. Then a baby comes into the picture and all hell breaks loose.

I would hope that you will think next time before engaging that activity again. You have a precious little one to think of more than yourself. That is what being a mom is...taking care of those children before yourself...any wants and desires you have are on the back burner for now. Also, I would like you to think about this: You said he had an ex he spends time with as a friend. You do not know how much of a friend she is to him. They could be sleeping together. They say that once you have slept with someone unless its their first time and yours, you sleep with everyone they have been with. There is a lot more to sleeping with someone these days than just pregnancy and that could make you ill for life.

This message is not only for you but for anyone who reads this post. It just makes me sad to think that this happens so often and people just do not think about things prior to actions.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/09/2013

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You have absolutely NO RIGHT to remove the father from contact with his child. None. What you do have the right to do is engage a lawyer and file for primary custody and child support, and then establish a court ordered visitation schedule for the father. But if you decide to refuse the father any rights of your own volition, you are not doing the right thing by your child.

Mary - posted on 07/09/2013

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I don't think you are over reacting, I agree with you and I also think is not healthy for you to be in that situation, and if you are not ok your baby will not be ok. It is hard, really hard but you need to step out of there for yourself and for your child. Don't remove your child from his dad's sight because at the end of the day, bad or worse he will always be the dad and your child has a right to know that. But I do think you should move on with your life and don't count on the baby's dad to be a "dad" I don't know if it makes sense to you. Just make sure you don't label him as the bad parent, just let life run its course and take care of your son as if you were alone and it may sound harsh but you are alone, and the sooner you realize it, accept it and embrace it the better for you and the baby. You sound like a strong woman way wiser and mature than the baby's dad, so be a mom, enjoy your son be there for him because as it seems, he's going to need you as mom and dad. I give you this advise as a child raised without a father, not knowing what was going on and realizing sadly my dad is just a part of my biological being

Danielle - posted on 07/09/2013

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I agree with Melanie, I think it would be best to remove yourself and your child from the situation.

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