Issues with step daughter

Charlotte - posted on 03/15/2015 ( 14 moms have responded )

6

0

1

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. My step daughter will be 12 in October. I have recently noticed she is starting to be very disrespectful to me in ways where she just won't listen to what I have to say. Her mother has made it very hard on us as she talks down about me (even though she refuses to meet me with multiple attempts on my end). Anyone else have this issue? Is there something I can do besides try to be her friend which obviously hasn't worked..

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Kristin - posted on 03/19/2015

10

0

1

I couldn't agree more kkjj. Charlotte smith it's a rough faze they go through but they will see your efforts and hard work. Time is the answer. It's a bumpy ride but hold down your household and don't give in to her for the sake of keeping her satisfied. Always stand strong with your husband and never make decisions in front of her.

Kkjj - posted on 03/18/2015

15

0

1

Hell Ya Kristin ....Be ready...love that... and it is true these kids need discipline, not friends!! they have plenty of that from their peers, and probably her own mother! Which is unhealthy in its self, but you can not change anything, you can only make it pleasant in your own home. Love her and her dad and any other children the same and things will be ok. You also got to let things roll off your shoulders....Just keep in your head you are doing a great job and soon they will see it when they are gone and have a family of their own.

Kristin - posted on 03/18/2015

10

0

1

Listen and guide. Let her be ready and always love her but discipline is the key from her father and you. Been there done that. Hard situation but you will get through it.

Kkjj - posted on 03/18/2015

15

0

1

Looks like your a great step mom...She is going through a lot and needs space. Has nothing to do with you, so just keep laying down the rules and talking to her as much as She Wants. That's it. You can't control anything that bio mom says and like you said before you never say anything but nice things about her, so I think you are doing great. Let the normal teenage faze happen, never be friend her. She is your bonus daughter and you are her bonus mom that's that. FYI:Dad needs to be talking to her too, make sure they have a good father daughter relationship, don't ever get between that. Hope that helps. If you need to talk I'm here. I'm in the same boat but been at it for a long time. Kids are now teenagers and I know it gets rough

Ev - posted on 03/15/2015

7,361

7

910

How long have you been actually married to her father? How well did you get along with her prior to the marriage?

A lot of what she is doing may be just because she is going into the teen years and they do try the buttons o any parent. You can always tell her that until she can act respectfully towards you, in any form or fashion she is not being respectful, you do not want to see it or hear it. Tell her dad what is going on and see if he can nip it for you. If there are not any issues that are going on at the moment, its most likely normal behavior of her age. If there are issues maybe its time dad and mom sat down and talked about what is going on and why and how to help it along or diffuse the situation.

14 Comments

View replies by

Kristin - posted on 03/19/2015

10

0

1

I can agree on some kids. My step daughter is psychotically messed up so if my husband and I don't decide something first (cause we debate behind closed doors) she doesn't try pin us against each other knowing we didn't talk about it . But if she knows we discussed it then She knows we're on the same page. And once the decision has been made we tell then tell her how and why made that decision.

Trisha - posted on 03/19/2015

551

0

13

@Kristin Stevens, I find this "never make decisions in front of her" a bit thought provoking. So much so that I think I am going to start another thread regarding it. My husband and I do this ourselves, but I am starting to wonder if this is detrimental to our children, by not showing them what good decision making skills are...

Charlotte - posted on 03/18/2015

6

0

1

Thanks for the words of encouragement! I would never get between my husband and step daughter. I make sure they maintain their relationship seeing how hard it is because of him only seeing her two and a half days a week.

Charlotte - posted on 03/16/2015

6

0

1

I appreciate your response. I have been very to her and tried to form bonds with her. I've done one on one time, I've never spoken poorly about her mother to her. I've tried having sit down conversation. I've tried everything you've mentioned. We will have times where we are very good and some times where she wants nothing to do with me. I'm never mean with her. I may be firm but never do I make her feel incomfortable in our house. I must have said it wrong I guess demand wasn't the correct word. I was very nice about it saying it hurts my feelings that she doesn't respect me.

I do continue to try my best. I don't show her my frustration. I give her extra sepcial time when I think she needs it this most too.

Trisha - posted on 03/16/2015

551

0

13

I have a teenager in the home, and when he was 14 he was probably at his most disrespectful. He is starting to settle down a bit at 16. There is no bio-mom interfering though. I am sure it isn't helping, but I suspect this is normal teenagers testing limits.

Ev - posted on 03/16/2015

7,361

7

910

I did say that this is normal for a girl or even boy her age to do when starting into the teen years. At times they will push a parent's buttons since you say that it started to go on in the last couple of months.

But how do you know that its the mother who is doing this talking about you to your step child? You are not in the room when she is with her mother so you can not fully know except what the girl will tell you. Maybe she tells you this to get at you? And its up to dad to maintain connection with mom on issues regarding any of their children for the most part and he should be directing this to her if it is the case and that she needs to stop talking bad about anyone. Its a clause in my visitation roster that no one talk about the other parent in the negative in front of the kids and that should include the step parents.

Also, in blending a family it takes time. Two years is not long enough to get things settled down into a normal routine.

You said that you, "I did end up saying to her last night that when she is in my house she will respect me even if she doesn't want to. Of course I got no response and a walk away but I triednto be firm on that." You can not make demands on a child like that or anyone either. It would have been better said that you needed her to act respectfully to you while in the home. It might have gotten you the same response. When demanding respect, you push a person from doing what you want them to do. The more you make demands the less the outcome of what you want. Have you shown her respect? Have you tried to earn it? She has to also show you and earn your respect and it is a two way street.

You also need to respect the fact that she, even though she is at the age of 12, may still not like all this that has gone on. Her dad has remarried, she has two younger siblings that are steps or blood related (you never said for sure), and she is back and forth to two homes. Transition to different homes is hard on kids of divorce or breakups and it takes time to get used to that even at her age.

You also never mentioned that you spent one on one time with her either. You never mentioned that you got on her level to see if you could have a bond with her. That is what you should have done if you had not thought of it. She is only in the house for another 4 years or so and then she is gone. Try to make the best of things and try to get onto her level. When you make the effort, since you are the adult, it might make her see things differently. Its not up to a kid to change things because the adults did. Its not up to us to demand respect if we marry into relationship where the new spouse has kids because we have to earn that respect.

Charlotte - posted on 03/16/2015

6

0

1

We've been married for almost 2 years. This just started in the last couple of months. The problem is, her mother. She talks bad about me to my step daughter and refuses to talk with my husband about anything no matter how hard he tries. I believe my step daughters position on me is due to her mother making things up about me. I did end up saying to her last night that when she is in my house she will respect me even if she doesn't want to. Of course I got no response and a walk away but I triednto be firm on that.

I'm thinking after talking to family members that it may be normal behavior and I'm hoping I can wait this out!

Charlotte - posted on 03/15/2015

6

0

1

I do have children but they are 5 and 2 months. She lives primarily with her mother. We get my step daughter 2 1/2 days a week.

Ev - posted on 03/15/2015

7,361

7

910

At the age of 12 kids start to get into puberty and start changing. Do you have kids of your own or have you had experience with preteens and teenagers? Also who has majority of custody time with her.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms