Its normal isn't it to be so distant from your teenage daughter when previously close? Its normal too that life is not like riding a bike when there's a 11 year age gap between your two children right? haha parenting is never easy! new to the community hoping to get to know other mums for support, advice and friendship :)

Kim - posted on 01/10/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Mum of two. Daughter aged 14 and a son aged 3.5
Works part time, married. Living in a mining community in North West Qld.
Teenage years what a struggle! or that just me?
Hoping to get to know other mums with similar issues that can offer advice, support and friendship to stop me from going insane! haha

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[deleted account]

Hi Kim-
Are you a single mom? Sometimes single moms can be closer to their daughter's because they have more time and are not invested in a marriage. More 1 on 1 time.
Well, I found that when my daughter was being ugly and a person that I actually did not even LIKE, I found myself backing off.
I'd also distance myself from her, as a way to protect myself emotionally when she'd be so hurtful.
My daughter used to threaten to move out at that age and I'd throw a suitcase in the hallway and say "Go for it. If you change your mind, put the suitcase away." She always put the suitcase away! I never ever MEANT it, I just always knew she'd come to her senses and realize how good she actually had it at home and she'd stop and realize how much she really VALUED me. That I actually HAD value!
The old suitcase trick seemed to completely turn her attitude around. (Thank God she never took me up on it! I would have had a heart-attack! I was always quite certain it would work, otherwise I would never have done it.)
Don't get me wrong with any of this- ****I love my kid to pieces.
At the age of 14- some sort of hideous attitude set in to my daughter, she was like a different kid. My mother actually thought she was on drugs but she wasn't. She became a mystery and combative at times.
The next year- she was like her old self again. Had it been raging hormones? The pressure of starting high school and all the social pressures? Have no clue, but she changed.
As far as that dang phone issue goes- I still struggle with that battle. At times I have pulled the car over and said- Either you spend time with ME- or your phone. The phone goes in the trunk, or I drop you off somewhere and forget about the movie (or whatever the date is).
You really shouldn't be spending money on 'special mom-daughter time', when in reality- you are paying a 14 year old girl to sit next to you in a salon or theatre and play on her phone, and ignore you.
You are actually paying her money to ignore you- and she benefits by new gel-nails or whatever.
It HURTS for me to pay money for my daughter to ignore me. It just breeds resentment in me. It is not for one second- 'mother-daughter time'. She's spending time with who she's texting, NOT with me. It is VERY disrespectful.
I'm sure other moms struggle with that whole phone thing too. Some kids are obsessed with it. My daughter has become that way as well.
We can't have our daughter's walk on us, and can't give them permission to do so.
That's some of the things we've been through.

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[deleted account]

My daughter leaving- yes it is devastating. I had to ask her to leave b/c there were house rules that were being broken and to further tolerate it would just be giving her permission to continue. It's breaking my heart, but what do you do?
We were SO close, then almost instantly cut off. It was my fault but then again, you can't have your child running things or doing things that are totally unacceptable. Very hard without that closeness. It's like instantly losing someone, like a death almost. At present, she's so scarce it's like she doesn't exist.

My daughter would gravitate towards other family's as well and that really hurt. I think she would do that because she doesn't have siblings here, although her friends were always welcome. It almost feels like you do not have enough to offer them.

You're daughter is only 11. She'll come around. Maybe she's going through the 'Oh my gosh, my mother DOESN'T know everything, my parents are stupid' phase. I think they all go through that. It's textbook. There's a point when they realize that we are 'just' people and not a 'god'! It's very noticable when a kid goes through that.

But at your daughter's age- it'll pass. Then teen stuff in coming years! Although some get through the teen years smoothly.

Why didn't anyone warn us how many times our hearts can break while raising kids? Sheesh!!!! Someone should have given me a manual! I had noooo idea my kid could break my heart!

Kim - posted on 01/10/2014

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My girl has made threats to me that she will move out if I continue to ask questions, just a simple hey! seems to irritate her. That's a good question tho Sandy "has she distant herself or is me". I use to think it was just her, but honestly think because its so painful I am beginning to pull away myself.
She prefers the company of other families. Its a real kick in the guts. I've tried arranging family camping trips or girlie trips for just us to the like to the salon to have a facial and our nails done, or a trip to the movies. But she sits on her phone the entire time, ignoring me. I honestly have no idea what to do.
I am really sorry to read that your's has moved out now, that must be absolutely devastating :(

[deleted account]

To one of your comments- yes! Teenagers = struggle! lol, but not so funny at times.
Have you distanced yourself from her or has she distanced from you? As to your question- 'Is that normal'? Yes, it can be very normal. They want to try to separate themselves to be their own person, not just an extension of us. Normal develpment. Can be painful though!

My teenage daughter and I were soooooo close and she has just shut me out of her life. She just moved out. Very painful, I know she needs to do this, but momma is suffering!!!!!!!

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