Jealous bio mom ex new GF of 5 months PLEASE HELP

Jessica - posted on 11/25/2016 ( 17 moms have responded )

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Hello out there, very desperately looking for some advice! I'm the mother of a wonderful six year old daughter. My ex and I have been separate for three years now. In October my daughter randomly mentions that her father is seeing someone. I call to confirm and he lashes out at me for prying into his personal life. Come to find out they have been dating since early July and he kept that from me. Allowing a complete stranger into our daughter's life with no regard or respect for me. I confronted this gorgeous young woman, my replacement, on Facebook through a private message. I was honest about my dislike of the secrecy, of my concerns as a mother, and kindly asked her to meet me. She messaged back nicely enough, but it turned into a huge drama with my ex resulting in him saying some harsh and godawful things to me. Saying, "you don't matter, you've never mattered, you're a horrible person. I don't pine over you, I'm not your plan b, you could die tomorrow and I wouldn't care." May I add I'm happily engaged and planned to be married within the next year. I haven't pursed my ex since our split, which was initiated by me. I've also come to learn that he has lied and horribly slandered my name to the new gf and everyone on contact with my daughter. Regardless, I AM SOOOOO JEALOUS! She's gorgeous and younger and a teacher and blah blah blah blah perfect. My ex has invited her to holidays and it's beyond painful to see the darn post of my daughter with another woman on FB.Now my ex has the perfect family and I'm nothing just like he said, so simply replaced. My heart is broken. My daughter talks about her so nonchalantly like this is totally fine. IT'S NOT FINE! I love my daughter more than I'd ever be able to express in words. I'm a good mother. Due to my request in court her father and I split our time 2552 and evenly split holidays, he also pays no child support also per my request. I wanted everything to be as seamless and normal for our daughter as possible. No lengthy drawn out custody battle, no demands for money. Nothing but fair and even, down the middle. Why is this so painful for me? How can I overcome it? I feel guilty for not responding with more than a "Hmmmm mhmmm" when my daughter says that woman's name or tells me about all the fun things they do together. I never want to make my daughter feel as though her stories, thoughts, feelings, and experiences aren't important. I want her to forever feel as though she can share with me anything she desires to. How do I stop obsessing? How do I relax and stop making myself sick over this? Please help!!

17 Comments

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted 4 days ago

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Another thing, Amanda, one does not have to raise children from birth to be a mom. If your father's wife loves you, and attempts to be positively involved, then she is a mom figure.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted 4 days ago

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OP, you need counseling. Why is it ok for you to move on but him not to? Not to mention the less than stellar example you are giving your daughter...

Amanda, you have your own issues, and you are not helping anyone by telling the OP to react like a spoiled child.

Dove - posted on 11/27/2016

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So you are trying to project your adult issues onto a 6 year old and her mother? Great...

I was an adult when my dad met and married my stepmom and she very much IS my stepMOM... and Grandma to my 3 kids. I'm sorry you have issues w/ the woman your dad chose to marry, but please don't take your adult experience and project it onto an innocent child. You aren't helping the OP w/ your experience.

Jodi - posted on 11/27/2016

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Amanda, the OP doesn't get to dictate whether she can meet the girlfriend or not. And what you are suggesting telling a 6 year old is inappropriate.

Ev - posted on 11/26/2016

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My ex and I were married for almost 13 years when the divorce became final. Our kids are 7 years apart. He married two more times after me. But since your dad married after you grew up, that is a whole other story. It is quite different for two kids who were 13 and 7 and then 15 and 9ish.

Amanda - posted on 11/26/2016

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Only a few years I was an adult when they met and got married. I can see now where that might be too harsh to tell a 6 year old but I was speaking from my experience. She's his 2nd wife. My parents were married my whole childhood.

Ev - posted on 11/26/2016

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So she is a step mom to adult step kids....we are talking from the point of view of children who are not of an age yet. This child is 6 not 16 year old or older. AND if you and the other children are almost adult, she is still the step mom. How long has she been around? My kids have had two step moms. One lasted 14 months and the other has lasted much longer--11 years. My kids are adults now...the youngest not yet 20.

Amanda - posted on 11/26/2016

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I hear all the time about how what a wonderful "mother" my fathers wife is. All she did was marry a man who had almost all adult children. She's never raised any of us but she thinks she's a mom.

Michelle - posted on 11/26/2016

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Amanda: I agree with the others, what you are suggesting isn't the best at all for a 6yo.
The best way to handle things is to talk to the child and let her know she is allowed to accept the Girlfriend in her life. It will make for a better balanced child and she wouldn't then be pulling the "You're not my Mother" card in years to come.
My ex was happy when I met my current husband, we all got along well and the boys (from my 1st marriage) know that my husband isn't a replacement for their Father but another male role model in their lives. They love my husband as much as he loves them but of course not like the love they have for their Father.
It's up to the parents to make sure that they show a united front and everything that the OP is doing isn't showing that.

Ev - posted on 11/26/2016

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Amanda--Are you a mom that has a custody situation or separated from the father of your children? Dove is correct. All your suggestions would really make life confusing and hard on the child.

Dove - posted on 11/26/2016

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Actually Amanda... when the bio parents are no longer together one parent has zero control over any of the actions of the other parent unless a court order stipulates them. And telling a 6 year old any of the things you are suggesting is a pretty good way to screw the poor kid up. Her daughter will know that she is her mother and that no one can replace her by the mother's loving and STABLE actions. Trying to use those words to emotionally manipulate a young child is messed up. This kid has every right to bond w/ her father's girlfriend and should be able to talk about her w/ her own mother w/out being made to feel guilty...

Amanda - posted on 11/26/2016

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You have very right to meet this woman before your daughter ever does. Your just doing your job protecting your daughter and making sure this woman is a good person for your daughter to be around. As for when your daughter talks about this woman find a way to nicely tell your daughter you've heard enough or change the subject. Make sure your daughter knows your her only mother and that the only way this new woman will become a mother is if she gives birth or adopts another child. Make sure she knows that this woman will never replace you ever!

Ev - posted on 11/26/2016

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{{ I call to confirm and he lashes out at me for prying into his personal life. Come to find out they have been dating since early July and he kept that from me. Allowing a complete stranger into our daughter's life with no regard or respect for me. }}
----Honey, you are not the first woman to have to go through this. My ex was dating six weeks before I found out he was having a strange woman around my kids. What I did not allow was for her to take my kids places when he had not been dating her long. What I could not do is dictate his life. You can not either. GROW UP!!!

{{ I confronted this gorgeous young woman, my replacement, on Facebook through a private message. I was honest about my dislike of the secrecy, of my concerns as a mother, and kindly asked her to meet me. She messaged back nicely enough, but it turned into a huge drama with my ex resulting in him saying some harsh and godawful things to me. Saying, "you don't matter, you've never mattered, you're a horrible person. I don't pine over you, I'm not your plan b, you could die tomorrow and I wouldn't care." }}
-----It was never your place to contact this woman and to request to meet with her to talk to her about your expectations where your daughter was concerned. It is not her business but yours and dads. You made him upset when you tried to impede into his relationship with this woman and she told him. that is why he said those things. Get over it.

{ I've also come to learn that he has lied and horribly slandered my name to the new gf and everyone on contact with my daughter.}
-----My ex lied about me to a lot of people as well. Even in front of my kids. He and his current wife even made it their business to discuss how I lived my life in front of the kids...my kids....and make the cry about it. I told my kids that he and his wife were really only hurting themselves by doing so and that is what you are doing here....by worrying about a woman he is dating. I do not care if she is Miss Universe....it is none of your business. You say through the post you have a fiance but it appears that you are not over your ex. Get some deeply needed counseling from someone. As the others have stated here. You are not the only woman to go through this mess.

{{My ex has invited her to holidays and it's beyond painful to see the darn post of my daughter with another woman on FB.Now my ex has the perfect family and I'm nothing just like he said, so simply replaced. My heart is broken. My daughter talks about her so nonchalantly like this is totally fine. IT'S NOT FINE! }}
-----So it is not your business what your ex does on holidays on HIS TIME DAUGHTER. They are just pictures and she is not there to replace you. And your daughter seems to like this woman or she would not talk about her so much. It sounds like this woman has taken it on herself to be someone your daughter can come to like or love as a person. What is so wrong with that? I would have loved for my kids to have liked or come to love their dad's other two wives he has had since me. But they did not because those women would have nothing more than they had to do with my kids while they were at the house. Be glad this woman is being this way with your daughter.

{Why is this so painful for me? How can I overcome it?}
-----It is painful for you because you make it that way. He is not at fault for your feelings because he is not forcing you nor is the GF forcing you to feel this way. You bring it on yourself by obsessing over it. Quit.

{ I feel guilty for not responding with more than a "Hmmmm mhmmm" when my daughter says that woman's name or tells me about all the fun things they do together. I never want to make my daughter feel as though her stories, thoughts, feelings, and experiences aren't important. I want her to forever feel as though she can share with me anything she desires to. How do I stop obsessing? How do I relax and stop making myself sick over this? }
---Get yourself to a counselor and that is how you begin to start stopping with obsessing about things. You did not have to let this go this far. You are insecure because you feel like she is going to replace you. Honey, if you keep thinking this way she just might with all your actions that you have done so far. You are not the first woman to be a mom whose ex has decided to actually move on with his life and get into another relationship that his ex girl is sticking her nose into. I can understand your feelings about complete strangers around your child but you can not dictate that to him who he has around her. He might up and marry this girl and she will be the step mom. Have you though to that?

This is not about YOU anymore but your child and her needs and relationships with all who are in her life. So what if your ex has a GF....YOU have fiance and apparently that has not rattled his cage.

GROW UP and get counseling.

Jodi - posted on 11/26/2016

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I agree with everything the others have to say. You have issues. Even in referring to her as your "replacement", you are clearly not coping. You have moved on (although I don't think you have). He has every right to move on. This person is not replacing you. Does your fiance replace her dad? Get some counselling.

Dove - posted on 11/26/2016

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I agree about counseling. You are ENGAGED. You are allowed to move on, but he isn't?... and you are jealous because there is another woman in your daughter's life? Did your ex turn into a raving lunatic when he met your fiance? You really need to get over yourself and if you can't just do that... counseling would be best for you as soon as possible.

Michelle - posted on 11/25/2016

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I would suggest get yourself into counselling.
You said that you instigated the split with your ex so you need to let go of him. He is allowed to move on with his life, just as you are. You are putting your child in a horrible position and she will slowly clam up and not talk to you about anything.

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