Jealous of his baby mama

Surfandsea - posted on 01/02/2014 ( 72 moms have responded )

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I am 48, married to a wonderful 38 yr old man. We have been married for a year, and prior to me he ha a relationship with a young girl who he has a baby with. They started dating when she was 18 or 19 and he was 33 or so. This fact alone makes me sick to my stomach. He also has a son with her that is two. In the very first days that we started our relationship, he sent her a text that said that he wanted to come over to her apartment and join her in bed. At first he tried to tell me that it wasn't what he meant, but eventually he told me something like it was familiar and he had just met me. This still bothers me to this day, and I often think about it and the fact that my grown up husband slept with a teenager and that he has a baby with her. She doesn't bother us or anything but just the fact the he was with her bothers me.
Also, she is on welfare, food stamps, housing, and works part time. I am a career woman with a full time position, own home , and get nothing that I don't pay for myself.

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LalaBoom - posted on 01/10/2014

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Misti-

I think you misinterpreted my post.

I abhor Bible thumpers.

Bible thumpers are people who use the Bible to dismiss, devalue, negate, or otherwise disrespect others simply because the Bible thumper assumes its counterpart is "wrong" for not invoking God or Christian beliefs in the manner in which they approve of.

As a minister's daughter, and a believer of sorts, I believe God gave us the neccessary "tools" to guide us in leading a life that pleases Him. Counseling isn't "unGodly" or a reason to assume a person isn't trusting God in the first place. If God was anti-counseling, Jesus wouldn't have acted as one to so many with his parables and Pastors would be redundant.

Leela - posted on 01/04/2014

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Is it jealousy or insecurity? She has a bond with him that you do not have and many women are insecure with this type of relationship. You are successful and he chose you, not her, not anyone else. If you aren't careful that insecurity will drive a wedge in your relationship.

Jodi - posted on 01/10/2014

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Ah, so as Christians, you don't have respect for other people's beliefs? That's very Christian of you.

Erica - posted on 01/07/2014

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Do you have any children yourself? Im sure you don't because then you would actually know how hard it is to raise a child, work a part-time job, and pay the astronomical fees of daycare while you work that part-time job. I am very offended that you have belittled this woman who is trying to make the best for her child. Perhaps she is on government assisted programs because your husband left her and she needs them to survive being a single mother. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but you DID know what you were getting into when you met him? In other words, you knew he had a child with a younger woman? If this was such an issue from the start (which it sounds like it was based on that text message) perhaps you should have moved on instead of walked down the isle?

Kim - posted on 01/06/2014

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It's time u grow up. Ur a grown woman so act like it. I've been cheated on and lied to . My ex(child's father) left me when I was preg. n ended. Up got another woman pregnant and she's a wingnut!!

U need to pray for god to lighten your heart. We as christian women need to show grace and offer compassion. Tell hubby how u feel and acknowledge it n move on. U only bring urself n hubby down....trust me if u start nagging him about her...ur gonna push him away...likely to her !!! Be thankful she's letting u2 be and not stalking ur life. She seems reasonably mature about letting him be an adult n have his life. I know it hurts but people are not perfect. If u cannot forgive him u need to look a into your heart and reevaluate the person u r n the person u want to be. ..If he wanted her. He'd leave u n be with her. ...he's with u. So be happy and love ur man. He's here now. That's all that matters............xxxooo

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Jodi - posted on 02/15/2014

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Also, I never insulted you in my first few posts - you just didn't like what I had to say because you didn't agree with it. I told the honest truth the way I saw it. If you felt insulted, well, that is also your problem. I am glad to hear you are now in therapy, because it seems to me you take a lot of things very personally that you probably shouldn't. You have jumped down throats of people asking questions to help understand your situation, you have freaked out at posters who have mentioned the word "therapy", you have even taken it personally when I was just trying to give you some simple advice about how the blocking on the site works. When people have tried to point out that there is nothing wrong with being on welfare when you are a single mum with a child, you have considered it an insult. Everything is an insult....unless the advice is to pray. The only person in this conversation with issues is you, sweetheart. And that is becoming more apparent every time you post a response to someone.

Jodi - posted on 02/15/2014

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Seriously? You read my latest post as an insult? Lady, you need to get a grip because you have some serious issues. I was simply trying to (1) advise you and (2) ask a question to clarify. It was no insult to YOU. There was also absolutely nothing rude about my post. You need some serious help, lady. because you are really WAY too sensitive.

Jodi - posted on 02/15/2014

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Surfandsea, just so you know, you can't block people from posting in your conversations at all. You can only block them from messaging you, and no-one here was sending you private messages, so blocking them would have been pointless anyway.

With regard to them dating straight out of high school, if she had the baby when she was 22, how is it that he dated her for 3-4 years and he didn't know her last name and birthday? I find that extremely odd.

Angela - posted on 02/15/2014

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No - I don't know you! And that's why I asked the questions! Thanks for answering them.

You're coming over rather "prickly" on this thread, Surfandsea. I asked a few questions - I didn't make assumptions. The way you'd worded some of your opening post seemed to IMPLY things were a little different to what you have now said.

You sound like a very responsible and practical person. You say that you've always worked and paid your way, that you ensure your husband pays his dues to his other family before paying towards your own shared household expenses, ensured he has regular quality contact with his child and all the paperwork is accurate and complete. That's commendable. There's also a clear thread of PRIDE running through these statements. You seem to have high standards but you expect them of everyone else. Hence you're unsettled about the fact he started a relationship with a much younger person who was still in High School when they first got together, that even after having a child he didn't know her last name, date of birth etc .... I'll be honest - one or two things you've said about him have shocked me. He sounds a bit immature to be honest. On an emotional maturity level, he sounds as though he's closer in age to his child's mother than he is to YOU. However - I'm starting to think that having the baby and moving forward alone (i.e. without him) may well have matured HER to a level where she's possibly wiser than HIM.

I'm getting the impression that you feel she ought to be grateful for the assistance she gets from your husband (and from you). But I'm also getting the impression that you're covering all your bases in order to satisfy the LAW because you couldn't bear to be called out (or for your husband to be called out) for failing to comply. Hence the sense of resentment.

You haven't mentioned any emotional bonding between you and your husband's child - or between your husband and his child for that matter.

No-one's attempting to assassinate your character - but you're very defensive and people are just asking questions to get a fuller picture.

Angela - posted on 02/15/2014

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Hi again Surfandsea. Your comment about "no more belittling" was interesting as a few who responded felt you'd belittled your husband's ex-partner for being on Welfare benefits. I was on benefits for a lot of years as a single parent. This was despite my best efforts to find employment - I would far rather have worked than been a stay-at-home mother. I'm British and whilst there ARE families who regard claiming Benefits as an ongoing lifestyle choice (through 2 or more generations) - these people are in the minority. However, many taxpayers (through the influence of newspapers like the Daily Mail) imagine that every benefits claimant has the same mindset and they're out to milk the system dry! It's good that you say "I am a career woman with a full time position, own home , and get nothing that I don't pay for myself." but remember that you're also extremely lucky to be in this position!

Counselling/therapy can be expensive of course but if you feel that it would help, why not explore the possibility of free counselling? Some churches and voluntary groups offer this - and of course various charities. It's quite possible to source free help if you're prepared to put in the time to research it and don't feel as though a quick Google search or flick through the Yellow Pages will provide you with an appointment somewhere by tomorrow!

The most important thing though - is to talk to your husband. Now you say that the child is 2 - so he was conceived around 3 years ago, right? So at that time (when the child was conceived) your husband was 35 and she would have been about 21? Then, when the child was born his mother would have been about 22 and your husband aged 36? Shortly afterwards he started a relationship with YOU. Because he's now 38 and you've been married for over a year - yes? From the facts & figures you give, it appears they were together 3 or 4 years before this child was born. Given that you've been married over a year and the child is only 2 now, it looks as though you had a pretty whirlwind courtship with this guy before marrying him.

I'm not sure why you're jealous of her - because from where I'm standing we appear to have all the ingredients for her to be jealous of YOU!!

You say "She doesn't bother us or anything but just the fact the he was with her bothers me." So ..... does he visit his child? Does he pay support? Is he building a relationship with his child? Does the child stay the odd weekend at your place? The reason I'm asking is because you make it sound like you have no contact with this lady or her child. That would concern me FAR MORE than the fact my husband had a relationship with a much younger woman and they had a child together. I would want to know that my husband, my CHOSEN LIFE PARTNER, was paying his dues and acting like a worthy father and role model for his son. because that is what an honourable man would do - regardless of the relationship with his former partner and his current marriage.

Of course, your husband may well be doing all these things anyway - I may have jumped the gun in asking the questions I've asked. It's just that when you said "She doesn't bother us or anything but just the fact the he was with her bothers me." it sort of implied there was no contact and also that you were pleased about this.

Sorry if I've got it wrong - please post again to clarify.

Angela - posted on 02/15/2014

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Shawnn, you stated in your post “Hindu religion worships Allah” - they don’t! Allah is the deity that Muslims worship! Hindus have a variety of gods & goddesses including Krsna, Vishnu, Brahma etc … Also Buddhism is often felt to be more of a philosophy than a religion and would generally welcome people of other religions to share in the philosophies whilst at the same time adhering to their own religious beliefs. Their founder was a person called Gautama Buddha who sought wisdom through experiences. It’s all a bit confusing though and I don’t claim to be an expert on this stuff!!

Christians are not simply looking for converts amongst people who don’t have any religion at all. They’re looking at everyone who isn’t a Christian. I’m a Christian and it’s NOT our Christian duty however, to ram our religion down the throats of every non-Christian. We can only realistically win converts by making our religion so attractive that non-Christians are unable to resist the Christian message. Most of the time we’re not so good at doing this! It’s important to be respectful of other people’s belief systems, and to tread lightly when spreading the Gospel. People will always judge everyone else on their actions rather than on their words. It’s better to live the example than to preach the scriptures.

To be fair, many Christians come to this faith through their own investigations and questions – and prayer! NOT through some proselytising preacher or Bible-thumper. Putting off a potential convert through the wrong words or actions is what is known as being a “bad witness”. There are a lot of us about! Every non-Christian is a potential convert but some will stay in their own original belief system (which might possibly be no belief system at all) and a large number remain agnostics in their approach to religion – ANY religion.

Counselling is always a good option, no matter what the issue is. A skilled counsellor can help a person put away illogical feelings of resentment or jealousy OR if these feelings even *might* have some justification, they can provide coping strategies to deal with it all. There is no shame in consulting with a counsellor, no shame at all. So people do NOT need to take the attitude that someone on here suggested a counsellor – as an insult.

The other issue with counselling is that it usually costs money (occasionally there are sources of free counselling sessions available, but these are usually quite heavily booked). Because of the expense involved, many people would prefer other options. We should never assume that everyone can afford the money (or even the time) that it costs to have counselling.

Surfandsea - posted on 02/14/2014

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Speaking for myself, I'll take God, you belittling me hasn't convinced me of therapy. Actually repeatingly stating it is a turn off.

Surfandsea - posted on 02/14/2014

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Don't leave, you make more sense than anyone.
I had to step away for a month because people on my post were being so mean. I like what you wrote. Thank you.

Surfandsea - posted on 02/14/2014

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I can handle being told to pray. Actually the repeated "get therapy" comments I find offensive.

Surfandsea - posted on 02/14/2014

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As you can see how some people have written to me, even repeatedly several times after I asked them to stop, then yes, you are better off keeping your problems to yourself. This is the equivalent of bullying in my opinion. I think that belittling someone is really ridiculous when they have come here asking for sound advise.

Gena - posted on 01/10/2014

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Where has misti gone?Some people cant handle the truth..sad.. i point out i am not talking about all christians but i knew alot of them and they were the biggest hypocrits under the sun. Just thought of sharing that after she wrote they must "try" by non believers, i am sure if jesus would have used CoM he wouldnt have given up so fast. Sorry its late and i like being sarcastic. For those who dont know me i am joking and i am not insulting jesus.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/10/2014

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I'm tellin' ya, Jodi...my sister from another mother!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/10/2014

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Misti, you DO realize, do you not, that EVERYONE who is in a religion believes God, right?

Buddists believe in Budda (God), Jews believe in God, Hindu religion worships Allah (God)...Just because someone isn't professed CHRISTIAN doesn't mean that they don't believe in an entity. Yes, you are to witness to NON BELIEVERS. But, that is pretty much only anti theists that are left for you to witness to. Since none of us profess to be anti theists, you're "preaching to the choir" as it were.

And, as we've said, you're welcome to state your beliefs, but don't belittle others for not agreeing with you, and don't get offended when others call you out for your belief. As you say, Jesus was persecuted as well...

Oh, and by the way, I'm NOT CHRISTIAN.

I am a THEIST. I believe in a higher power. I do NOT attend a cult/church, because God doesn't require it. He requires my belief, and my generous actions. Part of those actions are to accept other's beliefs as well, and not to judge others for those beliefs, or lack thereof.

[deleted account]

Um.. No I just stated what I would.. do..

WHICH would be to PRAY on it.. That is my choice.. SHE ASKED for advice... and she is going to get MANY MIXED " what we would do.." That is what I would do..

Jodi - posted on 01/10/2014

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Actually, it isn't the only way to forgive. Every human has the capacity to forgive, regardless of their religion.

[deleted account]

I am guessing you have had a bad issue with a christian.. :) and I am sorry for that.. I am not pushing my beliefs on anyone you have your own free will.. " I never STATED that she was wrong for not believing in GOD that isn't my place to judge you or anyone for their choices.. I respect all aspects of Religion. to each there own.. If that was the case I wouldn't have friends of many religions as I do.. I just posted what I did because another lady stated that she should pray.. as I would do as well. she can make the choice not to do so.. as can you..

[deleted account]

Yes I did, But she is also getting attacked for stating that " she would go to GOD... as would I.. I know from personal issue that is the the only way to FORGIVE.. ;) but that is me.. not her.. she asked for advice on the matter she was given it.. I am just tired of believers getting attacked.. Though we do in social
media daily and in the real world as well

[deleted account]

It isn't that we don't have respect.. It is that we do what the bible states and it is to "TRY" to bring Non believers to him.. you don't have to read it like or even listen to what we right or type it is just that is our WAY of KNOWING what works for us.. I also never stated that you have to AGREE with what I believe she asked for advice and we gave her ours..

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/10/2014

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Misti, that has absolutely nothing to do with this topic.

Yes, you as a christian feel the need to witness your faith to others. That doesn't mean that others have to like it, nor to be nice to you when saying so!

Those of other faiths may also get upset or offended that christians continue to push their religion without having respect for another religion, such as buddism.

You have every right to express your religious views, and everyone else has every right to tell you not to. That's what freedom means.

Gena - posted on 01/10/2014

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Why cant christian people respect the beliefes of other people and leave them alone? I never shove my believes under other persons throats..thats due to respect.

[deleted account]

It is our job as Christian to help the ones who arrnr follower s do they have to listen no... are they going to throw it in our faces YES.... JUAT AS JESUS DID....

LalaBoom - posted on 01/10/2014

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Dayana-

You started to "Bible thump." Thats where I stop listening to anything you have to say and responding to you.

Literally just had an exchange with someone about the same thing.

For all those of you who think its even remotely "okay" for a person to be seething over a text that happened years ago, not to mention that the OP and husband were not committed yet but simply dating at the time, I got news for you: Therapy is just the cup of tea you need.

This woman is displacing her anger where it doesn't belong: The BM. The BM doesn't fit anywhere in this equation.

Gena - posted on 01/10/2014

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Kim Bryan..Maybe because of exactly what i explained..theres nothing obsurd about it.Not everybody believes in god or is a christian,so if you comment with stuff like "god will help you,just pray" or whatever..some wont want that advice because its not their religion...so simple. And thats what alot of christians must still somehow learn,they can have their religion but respect that other people dont want it instead of always trying to convince people of the religion. So as you can read,i am not trying to convince you to believe in what i believe..i just explained why some will reply when it comes to religion.

Kira - posted on 01/09/2014

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It seems like I would have a hard time trusting his as well. I don't agree with the whole age thing but I don't think your insecure I think you're in a situation that anyone might have a hard time in

[deleted account]

To me it sounds as if you are insurcure about yourself, A text two years ago isn't a reason to get all... upset and hurt, or ever WORRIED, SO what that she is on Gov, Ass. we all pay taxes as does she, Since she had a baby young ( as did I ) College was most likely our of the picture.... or maybe that is why she is working part time, to pay for school and at least we have a GOV. that is willing to help, but as a christian I don't think it is ok to Judge someone because she made a choice to have a baby with an older man... just be happy that she is leaving you and your husband alone, and the fact that you have a step son you can show love and compassion too...but the way I took your Gov Ass. remark was BAD.. you are be littling this girl for just trying to give he son a life

[deleted account]

but she is WORKING you said that.. Yes and MY husband fights for your rights.. but that doesn't give me any more right then the next person in the US

[deleted account]

you have freedom to post what you want.. right on! and you are RIGHT.. GOD is the person.. not to mention a honest conversion with the hubby... i was always told communication is KEY and it is..

Kim - posted on 01/09/2014

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I agree. I am a Christian and I try my best to help but everyone seems to pick apart my comments on faith and such. ..really obsurd.

Crystal - posted on 01/09/2014

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I feel ya...I am new to this site and the same people that are commenting on yours have commented on mine very rudely as well...seems like they are the ones that need the help/counseling...I thought this was a site for advice/ people to talk to that have maybe been in the same situation....not for people to put others down and talk crap like teenagers in high school....I guess im better off keeping my problems to my self....but anyways, I wish you luck

Gena - posted on 01/08/2014

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Dayana- I would just like to mention that not everybody wants god in their lifes.Its nice if you have your religion and it helps you,but its not a path everybody chooses in their life. So maybe she needs a therapy and not god to help her.If she believes in God and gets help from him by praying then thats also fine,but we dont know her believes.

Dayana - posted on 01/08/2014

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im just trying to help some one feel some support because we are women and instead of putting each other down we should lift one onother!!!! and ill correct you on needing a therapist or counselor.. what she need is God in her life. a relationship with him and to be able to forgive her husband for whatever he did that is still bothering her.. im out of this conversation

LalaBoom - posted on 01/08/2014

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Dayana-

I have felt and feel a lot of different things toward my husband's BM, who is also younger (I'm older than both), but I want to correct you: jealousy has never been one of them. Even being a "childless stepmom."

This isn't the case of a woman who has insecure feeling because of difficulty with the BM, this is someone who is requesting help beyond what ANYONE on this thread can provide (including myself, a Forensic Psychologist).

Do me a favor, where I'm concerned keep your projections and assumptions to yourself. This misguided "protector" stance is only labeling the OP as a "victim" of some sort when she isn't while dismissing what is, for the most part, healthy advice in a direct non-confrontional manner.

But I suppose I should digress since this post could just be an "attack" on you?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/08/2014

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I'm not, nor have I ever been jealous of my hubby's ex, and mother of his daughter. I'm better than she is at relationships, at marriage, and at making hubby happy. I have 25 years in my relationship compared to her 18 months. There's no reason to be jealous of something I had no control over in the first place!

:-)

Jodi - posted on 01/08/2014

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"why are we here acting like we havent gone through jealousy with a husband that has a bm"

Why are we acting like we haven't? Are you kidding? Because we haven't! Honestly, I have NEVER been jealous of the biological mother of my husband's children. And yes, he was 32 and the BM of one of his children was 18 or 19 at the time. I have never thought anything of it other than that it didn't work out because she was just way too young for him. Jealousy? Nope, I have a secure relationship with my hubby. I have nothing to be jealous about.

It is also not an attack to suggest to someone that they need therapy because this is not normal.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/08/2014

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Get over it. If he chose to sleep with a woman who was a legal adult at the time, and you were no where near a relationship, it's none of your damn business.

Nor is it your business if she's on state assistance, or not. Until you've actually walked in her shoes, you'll NEVER know the extent of her circumstances, nor be able to understand them.

If you still have irrational jealousy over the fact that your (now) husband slept with a younger woman before you were together, seek assistance of a theraputical nature. I agree with most of the rest of the women. You're allowing the fact that a man over 30 slept with a woman close to half his age bother you. You're not taking into account that she was an adult at the time. He didn't sleep with a high school kid...

Dayana - posted on 01/08/2014

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i honestly don't understand why all this ''grown ladies" are attacking some one with there comments obviously she wrote her problem to us for help i understand some got offended with the welfare comment but thats not the big point here..why are we here acting like we havent gone through jealousy with a husband that has a bm im sure if you been through it you would understand what she is going through it aint easy at times so how about we stop criticizing and being so rude

LalaBoom - posted on 01/06/2014

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Good thing I didn't write "you need therapy," LOL.... Whether you implied or not, I guess its up for debate (kind of like pronouncing tomato and tomahto).

Answer or don't answer I only go by what you write and what you wrote has you precisely as what you described: a jealous, insecure stepmom. Whether you like it or not, that insecurity and jealousy translate into your treatment of your stepson. Whether that treatment is indirectly trying to "one-up" his mother by being "supermom of the year in comparison" or being the stepmom from hell is something only you would know.

I'm a stepmom myself, so I know the dynamics of blended families and the d*ck measuring contest that runs rampant between [step]moms and [bio]moms. I also happen to be educated (and working) in certain field to know that, by your post, there's more than you're letting on.

Think of the answers to these questions for yourself: Would a "self-sufficient" stand up catch be seething for YEARS about a text the NOW husband sent when they first began dating? Or better yet, what is the reason a successful woman will compare herself to another woman she clearly deems "less than"? Or, amuse me, when you ruminate about "the fact that he was with her" YEARS AGO what do you tell yourself that she has that you don't?

One of my favorite sayings is "don't give me sh!t and call it caviar." You want honest advice? Get real and honest with yourself first. You wouldn't feel "jealousy" unless, 1. Your husband behaved in a suspect way (You haven't alluded to that fact so we'll just go ahead and scratch #1), or 2. You perceive her as having something over you, over your husband.

I'm not here to give you "redundant advice." Actually, I'm being a little more sensitive to your insecurity/jealousy because I'm a stepmom and I know how difficult it can be. But I don't BS. I'm straightforward and will tell it like I see it...

Good luck with everything!

LalaBoom - posted on 01/06/2014

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There's a lot more than you're letting on.

By your own admission, this girl is employed to support herself and child, causes no problems, does not contact your husband, AND had a child with your husband when she was an adult (21y/o, not a teen like you implied).

I hope you realize BM- or even your husband, are not the problem in this equation

I hope you also realize belittling her will, 1. not make you feel better about yourself, 2. show you as a spiteful, hateful person

I hope you also don't stepmother her son with this much contempt

Your best bet is therapy- literally. There's bigger fish to fry. I don't believe that a "self-sufficient" woman would be seething for years about a text her husband sent when they were first casually dating. I also don't believe you necessarily have a problem with her age.

I'm curious, do you have any children with your husband? Because to be frank, it sounds to me like this is more about what he "isn't giving you" his wife, his "legit" woman, that he "gave her" the "babymama" (i.e., kid)

Nianne - posted on 01/06/2014

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You need to let go and forgot you have everything going own for you and you are letting this eat you alive stop it

Brian - posted on 01/04/2014

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Hi, seems to me that there are several issues going on here. Trust, insecurity and maybe jealousy on your part . I understand why you would feel this way since it involves a much younger woman who also happens to be your husband's ex. The fact that they have a kid together means that they will always have some sort of relationship. Maybe there is some part of you that thinks he might sneak-off and have sex with her; or that he still has feelings for her. Unless your husband has done something to arouse your suspicion, then let it go before you damage your marriage. And if you haven't spoken to him about your feelings, then now would be a good time. Good luck!

[deleted account]

Suggestion: Simply box up that worry about the initial text and set aside. Don't open it up until there is -- and we trust there never will be -- a similar incident. All of do stupid things that we regret. Put the suggestive text from your earliest days together down as one of those stupid things. If, on the other hand, he would act inappropriately with her or with anyone else, you might then link that new event back to the old and, thus, have the basis for a very vigorous discussion.

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