Just found out partner has another son

Stacey - posted on 07/30/2014 ( 13 moms have responded )

7

0

1

In past few weeks me and my partner found out that he has a 4yr old son as a result of a one night stand before we got together. A DNA test has been done and its confirmed he is the father. We have been together for three and a half years and we a 23 month old son. My partner has decided that he wants to be part of the child's life which I agree is the right thing to do as every child deserve a father. I am willing to accept the child but I dont want him to have anything to do with the child's mother. I have told him that I dont want him to go to their family home and that all visits with his son should be in public places. I have also to him that I want to be aware of every conversation he has with the mother and that all should be transparent if it is going to work. He agreed to it, however I have found a conversation of changing the birth certificate and some photos of the child which she sent him yesterday and he never told me about it. I feel so stressed, angry and dissaponted, I dont know wether I can it. He just expects me to accept and says that all his kids are equal and they are going to come first which is fair enough. I dont know wether I can take it, I feel like I should leave but I am afraid to.

13 Comments

View replies by

Aranda - posted on 10/19/2016

8

0

2

I agree with you somewhat. I'm going thru a simlilat situation. My husband didn't know he had a child out there until a month ago. The boy is 17 yrs old and bad as hell. I don't want my children to be exposed to that and don't want to stop my husband from being a dad to him, but my emotions are all over the place because I don't want our family to change. It has been happy for 23 yrs and now all of a sudden we can't even talk about anything without this subject coming up. Just the mention of kids makes me cringe. But own your feelings and the be the wife that you was intended to be. You have to stop thinking about it or it will drive you crazy like it almost did me. Some people can handle it and some can't. Make the decision that is best for your family but your husband has to recognize your feelings too in order for you to accept it

Ev - posted on 07/31/2014

7,253

7

909

I would highly suggest then that you reccomend that he and this woman go to court and get it all worked out for custody, visitation and child support. You could always give her more for the sake of the child's needs in support if you want to but be sure to note that if you have to show proof of child support taken. Here is why you need the visitation and the child support court ordered: It is a way to be sure that everyone is on the same page as to what kind of child support and visitation is set. This way she can not withhold the visits to his child, and he has to keep up his obligations. It should be done to protect the child. Just as easily as she has brought this child to light, she could hide him away again. Do not go this alone, get mediation involved and get those things on paper and filed with the courts. Then she has no leg to stand on if she denies visits or says she did not get any support at all if its all recorded.

Stacey - posted on 07/31/2014

7

0

1

Thanks all after some serious reflection I have decided to stay completely out of. He has asked if me and our son can come with him to meet the child but i feel now is not the right time he should bond with the child first without causing by introducing us as well. As for the woman I will leave him to deal with her too..

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/31/2014

13,214

21

2014

Yes, you need to stay completely out of it. You don't have any legal standing. If he's as upstanding as you say he is, he's already handled the pictures and the implied come on with them.

Stacey - posted on 07/31/2014

7

0

1

I guess you are all making valid points,however just this morning she sent him naked pictures of herself which he told be about and says she wants to be with him. I knew something was off about all this. Any suggestions?? It not his son im worried about its her and her intentions which are now coming to light. When it comes to the child I do want him to bond with him but I still strongly few that public visitation is th the way to go until the child is comfortable and then he cane have weekend visits because that what he wants and I have no issues with it. He is my son's brother and the sooner they get to know each other the better. And as for child support I have no issues with that the child has to be provided for. I have no reason to be jealous of a child we already have our son who he is a good father to and I expect him to be the exact same with his other son. So what to you guys think I should do stay out of it completely and let him deal with it with it? Thank you all for the advice so far

Jodi - posted on 07/31/2014

3,533

36

3906

Way, way, WAY too controlling. Good luck with your marriage if this is how you are going to begin it. The simple fact is, everything else aside, you are not his mother, and you cannot control him. You might THINK you should be able to and it is your right, but that will wear very, very thin.

Did it ever occur to you that he agreed to your terms to keep the peace, not because he actually agrees with being dictated to by you or the terms you are dictating? It's easier to just agree sometimes. But that doesn't last. I think you need to compromise a little. He is not a child. Demanding he meet her in a public place is treating him like he has no judgement of his own.

Serene - posted on 07/30/2014

735

59

67

I agree with the other women below. It kind of reminds me of a situation with my daughter and her fathers ex wife. My daughters father and I didn't talk while i was pregnant and when the state found him a year later after my daughter was born we took a DNA test It came out postive.
We went through mediation for visitation rights, custody and child support. I met my daughters fathers fiance twice and we even sat down and talked in a restraunt for hours. I didn't think that she had a problem with me. I was never disrespectful and i never gave her or my daughters father intentions that I wanted to be with him.
After meditation for visiting my daughters father and I set up times to meet and where at. We live 1 1/2 hours from each other so we met every other weekend in a lit up parking lot half way point. We would talk about our daughter, hand off the kid and go our merrily way and meet again on Sunday.
Well, within a year of marriage my daughters father got a divorce. Why? Because his es wife would argure with him having to pay childsupport, seeing his daughter, accussing him of being with me, and she just didn't like me or my daughter. +It was like she was jelous of our daughter. It got so bad that my daughter wasn't aloud in there house. I guess that broke the camels back and they got divorced. Be careful and try to not make these mistakes or you will end up without a man neither.

Michelle - posted on 07/30/2014

3,555

8

3244

I think what the other ladies are trying to say is that YOU can't dictate the terms at all. In all of your posts you state that YOU have said what he can and can't do in regards to his child. Yes he can talk to you about what is going on and discuss the meeting with you but it's not your place to dictate all the terms and conditions.
Just because he has a child that you didn't know about isn't really a reason to leave someone. He didn't hide it from you, he didn't even know. If you feel like you should leave someone over this then you don't have a very strong relationship. You also sound like you don't trust him. Maybe look at your relationship before trying to dictate his with his child.
Have you even asked him what his feelings are in all of a sudden finding out that he has another child? I'm sure he has been in shock as well.

Stacey - posted on 07/30/2014

7

0

1

From a legal standpoint I get your point and I am not trying to take the mother's place as I said this woman broke this new 2 weeks ago 6 weeks before our wedding. The DNA was not court ordered we did it privately. 2 The visits have got to be public until i know this woman and her intentions. 3) we are not going to take case to court and all visitation arrangement are gonna be done informally 4) My soon to be husband has got a duty to me not some woman he had a one night stand with 4 years ago n kept quiet about his son 5) We leave in the UK and the child support system is rubbish however he has to support his child and I have to support him so we agreed that we would give her more than she would get through child support as we can afford to 6) for the sake of my sanity unresonable as it those were my conditions until we have all sat down after the wedding and talk about how best we can do what is best for the kids and then everyone else.

You have made some valid point however I did not walk into her life, she walked into ours anyway he told me about the messages without me asking so we are on the same page

Ev - posted on 07/30/2014

7,253

7

909

Stacey--

Legally, it has nothing to do with you. 1) This child's mother and he make choices (legal ones) based on what this child needs and they are none of your business. 2) Your demands he has public visits is not up to you. It is up to what the visitation that is set for him to have so it has to be gone by. 3) THe only impact it has on you is that this is a child that is a sibling to yours and you will be involved in the life of this child. 4) You do not know this woman and should be skeptical about her to a point; but she has a paternity test proving his fatherhood to this child. You can not refute that. As long as the court has accepted this, you have to abide by what goes on. You can not make demands on how things are run. 5) No one said that your money would go to provide for this child. If you are not legally married to this man, then no money of yours is going to be going directly to this child. For all you know, his paycheck may be garnished before he gets it. If you were married to him, in some states they do look at the spouse's income along with the parent, and you never said you were married to him. In other states, the spouse's income is not considered. 6) I do agree when you said the child is innocent. But I do not agree with demands that you know precisely what is said in conversations, have all visits be public, and so on. You may not yet know what is in the court ordered visits. If he has to go to the house to pick up the child and then drop the child off back at the house, he has to do that. YOU can not tell him where and when to see his child! 7) Since you do not know this woman, you do not know what her other intentions might be other than to allow this man to have contact with his child and a chance to support his child.

As for me, I did not jump for joy when my ex husband wanted out of the marriage. I did not jump for joy when he started dating women and introducing MY kids to them and allowing GF's take my kids places without my knowledge especially when he just met them. I did not jump for joy when he CHOSE his step kids over his own 2x. I did not jump for joy when he tried to make me look like a bad mother. I did not jump for joy when I found out he was possibly having an affair right in front of me.

I do not see where any of this kind of thing is mentioned in your post. You said you did not know the woman. You never have met her. So how do you know what her intents are besides the acknowledgement of her child by your partner?

Stacey - posted on 07/30/2014

7

0

1

If someone said your partner has got a child with them after years without neither one of you knowing would you be jumping for joy. I plan on being with him for a very long time and getting married this summer therefore it is my bussiness, I have not met this woman nor their child so I have every right to be skeptical. If I had walked into the relationship and the child was already there then it would not be my bussiness. We have a family too and part of my money will pay for this child or shall i refuse because it nothing to do with me. I have no issue with child he is innocent. I did not plan this if i had known I would have had the right to make an informed decision. You guys are acting like it has no impact on my life whatsover. You forget he agreed to my expectations and had the right to leave. The public thing is short term as he want weekend visit since we live far away from his child.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/30/2014

13,214

21

2014

You really don't have any right to be privy to ANY of the communication between him and her regarding the child. If she wants to give him pics, great, but you shouldn't make a huge deal of it. If she wants to put his name on the BC, since paternity is proven, again, you're making a huge deal out of something that isn't your business.

He has to communicate with the woman. There is no co parenting without communication. He has to see the woman, as well, because in order to see his kid, he has to pick up from her. He's got the right to see his child in privacy! He shouldn't be forced to keep visits in a public place just because you're paranoid. He's got every right to go to the kid's birthdays (if invited into the other party's home) etc.


All in all, Evelyn has stated it very nicely. You don't have the right to make demands on his relationship with his child.

Ev - posted on 07/30/2014

7,253

7

909

I think that you are making a mountain out of a mole hill really; meaning a big deal out of nothing. First, he is right, the child should come first and you have agreed to that point. That said, he has to talk to the mother. They have a child together just like you and him do and if he was with someone else would you think it fair that he would not be allowed to talk to you about your child. Making the demand he not talk to the mother or go to her house to pick up and drop off the child is a bit much. He still has to make contact with her unless there are restraining orders in force because of other issues. He has been with you for three plus years. if he had any intention of going to be with that one, you would know it. Second, Public place visitation is not going to work for all of his visits. You can not demand that the child and he have their time there all the time. If he is allowed over night visits, where does the child go? Not back to mom's when its dad's time. That is unreasonable. Third, Knowing what is going on with every conversation is not reasonable either. THe business of this child is not yours and he is to discuss it with her. Their decisions made for this child are not your concern unless the child is coming to the house for a weekend visit. It is also not your concern if they change the birth certificate and put his name on it. It is not up to you if he can have those photos of that child or not. Lastly, he is right. He is considering all his kids equal in his eyes. That means the both of them. He is stepping up and taking responsible actions where this child is concerned. He has a right to be in this child's life too. Its not about you and what you feel comfortable with. He is going to have to deal with this mom too not just you where these children are concerned. You said this came out of the blue and he did not know till he got a call or message about it. You should be glad he is stepping up like this. That shows he is a man of character and one to hang on to. But if you are insecure about his having to deal with the child's mom, its going to show and it will rip your relationship apart. He is not the only man who has to deal with a mom of one of his kids. THere are many men and women out there dealing with exes, one night stands, and others with children in common. As I said, this is about the child and not you, this is about the best interest of the kids and not your demands. Making demands like this is not going to show him any support at all.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms