Just found out that couple months ago a 16yr old boy that my 12yr old daughter barely knew forced her to have sex!!

Brandie - posted on 04/11/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Just found out that couple months ago a 16yr old boy that my 12yr old daughter barely knew forced her to have sex!! I am at a loss!! I feel like I am in a nightmare, she isn't talking much about it, the boy is facing charges with other girls coming forward.. Please HELP ME.. any advice, anything..please.

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Kristi - posted on 04/12/2013

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I hope you are pressing charges. Give her a voice now or she will always remain a victim. Find her a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse/trauma. The therapist will know how to help her cope and find her way through this at her own pace. I would recommend you speak to the counselor, too. She will help you cope and help you help your daughter cope.

If you can get together with the other victims and form a support group, that might very beneficial. It's usually easier to talk about something that can make a person feel "not normal," if you will, with other people who feel the same "not normal way" you do. You know, it's like talking to a childless, single, 23 year old retail clerk about child birth and the terrible twos...right, they don't get it. Same with any kind of significant event in a person's life, divorce, loss of a loved, mental illness, etc. So, when she doesn't always want to talk to you about what happened, don't take it personally. Sometimes it's just easier to talk to someone who "understands."

When she does talk to you, don't tell her how she "should/shouldn't" feel. That's REALLY hard not to do! It's a total natural reaction. That's inadvertently telling her she is doing/feeling something wrong. It can cause more shame. You need to validate her feelings, even when they make you cringe, for example, "It's kind of my fault, I never should have went inside or I never should have smiled..." Just hug her and tell her it was not her fault. Explain that no means no a million times if you have to. Tell her that predators want their victims to think that way so they (predators) don't feel so guilty or so they can justify what they've done so you can certainly understand why she would think/feel that way.

This link is for DBT. It's dialectical behavioral therapy, it was original designed for people with borderline personality disorder with extreme suicidal/self harming behaviors. Much of it is helpful, imo, for many people. I went through 2 years of DBT and it changed my life, of course, I was the original, intended target audience. ; ) It helped my mom communicate better with me, too, though. We live 1500 miles apart but she's my best friend and my rock. We would go over my lesson every week, for awhile...it didn't take her 2 years to get it, it just took me 2 years to be able to use it without thinking about it. Anyways, I know Wikipedia is an ify site but I read through most of it and it all looked pretty accurate.

Again, some of the information may sound extreme or from the introduction, as if I think your daughter is standing on top of the Empire State Building right now. Disregard that. The "Skills" section is the part I think you might find useful information about handling stress, coping mechanisms, communication skills, emotion regulation, etc.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical...

I hope you find something helpful. I will be praying for you and your daughter. Please, do not allow anyone to sweep this under the rug, not even your daughter (unless, of course the therapist or dr tells you she can't handle pressing charges). Holding him accountable gives her back the power and the control, she may not feel that way right now or even 6 months from now, but mark my words, it will make a difference in the long run. xo

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/15/2013

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You need to contact the police asap. Do not falter. You are her mother, and your job and instincts should be firstly to protect your child!

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 05/15/2013

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He raped her, Evil little shit....
get your precious daughter all the help she will obviously need, Therapy and so on. Hope she is not pregnant through her ordeal.

However no matter when it happened, what was a 12 year old doing by herself under age with out her parents with her? not to place any more heartache, but in other countries it is illegal to leave a child under the age of 14 by themselves, an common sense a parent would never leave a child alone with out a carer even if that child was not sick and seemly safe, did the Father contacted the Mother when the Child went home early from her dads place? she never said, but not matter who she came to be by her self, agree one cannot feel guilty for what this EViL little shit did.

This young man I guess will be charge as a young man should, as not as if he has not done anything like this before, he sounds like a predator.

Kristi - posted on 04/13/2013

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Brandie--

My heart is so breaking for you right now. I'm crying. This is no more your fault than it is your daughter's. I admit, I would totally be doing the same thing, though. That is exactly why I suggested you speak with a counselor, also. I don't know what your agreement and rules are about your daughter being home alone and if her father abided by those rules that night or not. Just based a the few facts you've shared and how I've parented and how others I know parent, neither of you did anything wrong.

You need to put a roof over your daughter's head, food on the table, etc. You need to work. I've been letting my daughter stay home alone for a few years, she's 13 1/2. This past week she spent nights alone, I was only 3 houses away and we live in a small cul-de-sac but nonetheless, someone comes in here, I might as well have been 3 blocks away. We house/pet sit for people when they go out of town. She wanted to sleep in her own bed so I let her go home. My husband (we're separated, live 1500 miles apart but still "coparent" our respective stepchild) has to let his son, age 11 walk to school and sometimes home because of his work hours.They live in Omaha, NE...500,000 people there. For fact, both kids know all about stranger danger and how to say no, we've role played and watched To Catch A Predator and My Kid Would Never. My daughter carries mace. She's not supposed to to school and she isn't walking alone very often but I don't care. My point is, we have a right to feel safe and to be safe, especially in our own homes and we can do everything right and things can still go horribly wrong. That is, tragically, what happened with your daughter.

The cold, hard truth is, you're not doing anybody any favors by blaming yourself or her father. You are giving that predatory douche bag more power over your family than he already has. By all means, grieve. Feel sad, angry, sick, scared, anything you want. Let go of the guilt. Please don't hate me...this sounds so mean, but this is not about you. You need to team up with your daughter (and maybe dad?) and battle back. Turn all your negative energy into something positive and productive. Obviously, not today. You need to get your legs back under you and then some air back into your lungs first. Baby steps. I just don't want you to get so overwhelmed with guilt and grief that you can't help yourself or your daughter. Something as gut wrenching and devastating as this can eat you alive. I'm just not ok with that happening to someone on account of a cowardly, vile bastard.

Try to focus on what you can do today to make things better for this moment. It happened on Halloween, you just found out last night...that doesn't make sense because you had all the talks. Irrelevant for now. Today you know. Today you are getting tests to make sure she is healthy, good. Today she is getting counseling, good. Today, she is pressing charges, good. Keep the momentum going.

You will not remain victims forever...it feels that way now and it will for a long, little while but eventually, you'll both be survivors. Just hold on tight, mama. ♥

Brandie - posted on 04/12/2013

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Thank you so much for your response, truly helped me a lot. She is going to her first counseling visit Monday, this happened at Halloween, however we just found out last night, she is also going to doctor to be tested for any STDs.. and just the thought of that alone is breaking my heart all over again. we are following thru with charges, the boy is sitting in juvenile as we speak for the same charges .. another 12yr old girl, also a friend of my daughters, the boy himself admits to over 10girls!! I am just in total shock!! I never in a million years could have imagined this happening, i spent her whole life teaching her, talking to her about protecting herself, and talking if anyone ever did anything inappropriate etc.. i spent years making sure she knew all this stuff.. and one boy.. 2nd time she meets him, shows up at the house, while she is there, i am at work.. and her life is changed forever!.. I am so full of guilt, i should have been home and not working, i wasn;t there to protect her, and i am angry because she should have been with her dad that night and not home alone.. but he let her go home early!!.. I just have never been at such a loss and i know i have to be strong for her.. i know that!! Just breaking my heart!!

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