Just lonely and feeling hurt

Leah - posted on 08/05/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Am blessed to be in a great marriage...finally when i turned 50. My teen w/b entering college soon. Honor student. i allowed her to live w/her dad 3 years ago...my regret however is that i gave her too much space from me...to allow her to adapt and grow...which she did...and then POW....NO MORE NEED FOR MAMMA...so glad she is independent and with lots of good friends...and smart, beautiful and thriving...but little old me is hurting....it is my fault...what was i thinking...maybe low self esteem piled on top of my wounds from my own mother [from way back when]... so i did not want to get in her way...i gave her too much but me not so much....now i suffer because she is to busy to see me...i know i w/benefit via therapy yet i know that if i got out there and made more friends and did things for myself it would go easier...i am a homebody and do for my loving husband...and sometimes for me. i simply would like it if the remainder of the 4 weeks left before her departure to college she w/include me in her agenda....for a change....yes i have hinted and flat out asked her when she is free to reconnect w/me...btw she is only 9 miles away w/her dad. This a.m. she texted me in reply to tell me she 'needed more emotional space'...wthk...3.5 years not enough? Hmmm...i was a single parent w/her for 11 years...maybe too much for her...being a single parent IS an imbalanced situation. Her dad being competitive 'won' her over it seems. Glad she had a good dad, but now that this phase is here...i feel really shoved out now...or rejected? i was stable, always there for her, not too well of $, she played, ate well, thrived---to a point...but then dad won her due to her needs okay yes i get that but then it was a better house, more money, etc. FREEDOM cuz dad was in his own world and let her do ANYTHING she wanted. Okay i am done ranting here. i am trying to grow up more myself but this grief gets the best of me some days.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/05/2015

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I'm pretty blunt, that's true, Leah, but I've found that its best.

I totally understand the whole thing. My eldest has been out of the house for almost 3 years, and there ARE times when I feel that he's being ungrateful, or not appreciative of something his father and I have done, but then I have to remind myself that he's not my little boy any more, and that he DOES have different ideas and opinions.

Hang in there. At some point, she'll be ready for that close relationship again. Until then, move forward as you have been. Try to let go of some of your anger towards yourself too...you are a parent, and you have always made what you felt were the best choices at the time, for your kids!

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Leah - posted on 08/05/2015

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Thank you Shawn!
i do appreciate the truth...mixed with hearing your experiences, understanding, and most of all; your words of: ENCOURAGEMENT!

BTW, have you ever heard of or read 'the five love languages'?

Mine is most definitely 'words of encouragement' [the four others in this book: physical affection, acts of service, gifts [is not a biggie for me], and quality time.

i love my space and my daughter is the same way. We have a lot in common thankfully i can understand her a lot...accept for her aloofness for which she has been labelled even by some of her closest friends, as being!

i am not the aloof type of person whatsoever and that part is hard for me regarding her personality.

She is a special one and i am looking forward to her going to her university...what i guess i was upset about this a.m., is the fact that time is running short and i guess i hoped for us having some quality time...but we only have seen each other 1x since her HS graduation.
i am at the the point of letting go and accepting the things i cannot change.

The only part remaining is for me to have what i call a time out/meditative nap...and gthk out of here...on with a good work out.

What's done is done. i am relieved that she has so far turned out great without any casualties!

Leah - posted on 08/05/2015

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i am so thrilled about my daughters wellness, smarts, plans, etc.
What i am seeking is friendship; FOR MYSELF...so that i won't have to burden her.
i want what is best for her and is why the heck i allowed her to go and thrive in the first place.
My anger is at my own self for GIVING AND GIVING IN TOO DAMN MUCH...AT THE COST OF MY OWN HEALTH.
THANK YOU.

Leah - posted on 08/05/2015

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All of what you stated, i do get; big time. Most days i am FINE. Today for whatever reason, i woke up not feeling well rested, proceeded to do my 'therapy' via devotionals to 'heal damaged emots.' by Dr.Charles Stanley; WHICH IS GREAT AND WORKS! When i picked up the 'anger' card...is when my 'stuff' resurfaced.
When i found this sight we are on, i presumed it w/not only be about advice, but perhaps i w/find a sisterly type of vibe; LOVING LIKE...from other women. But for some reason what you said though truthful and right struck me cold. Sorry.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/05/2015

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You state your solution right here: ."i know i w/benefit via therapy yet i know that if i got out there and made more friends and did things for myself it would go easier..."

ALL kids grow up and grow out from under their parents' wings, and that's what we WANT them to do! I get that you feel abandoned, but her actions may reflect prior things between the two of you, and she may not feel that you are ready to handle that.

Get yourself some therapy, and develop your other interests. Let your daughter know that you will always be there for her.

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