Just looking for a bit of support!

[deleted account] ( 38 moms have responded )

Hi, I'm 22 and literally only found out I was pregnant (unplanned!) 3 days ago. Now, I know it's early days, and you wouldn't usually tell anyone yet but as I officially still live with my parents (although I'm with my boyfriend the majority of the time) I thought it would be right to tell them ASAP.
Now, let me give you a bit of a background as to why my mum may have reacted in the way she did. Like I said, I'm 22. I qualified as a teacher in July 2011. In England, to become a full teacher you have to do something called an NQT year. Unfortunately at the moment there are way too many teachers for the amount of jobs and so unfortunately I have not got a permanent job yet. At the moment I am supply teaching, which while it can be good money, it is day to day work and if the work isn't there it means I get no money. I have no savings and I haven't been with my boyfriend very long and he already has a 2 year old daughter. The situation is made more complicated by the fact that my boyfriend's wife passed away (before we got together obviously) and so there is that whole aspect to our relationship.
Despite all of this my boyfriend and I are very much in love and want to keep the baby.

Now, when I told my parents I knew their reaction wasn't going to be brilliant. My mum pretty much told me that I was stupid, highly irresponsible and living in cloud cuckoo land. She said that my prospect of getting a job are now down to 0.5%, that I am going to be stuck in a tiny flat, with a minimum wage job and that I was going to have an extremely hard life.

I know why my mum reacted like this. She is worried about me and wants the best but it was still hard to sit through her saying that to me.
So the point of this post is: Is she right?

Personally I think she is overreacting from shock. If any of you have any advice or support I would love to hear it!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Krista - posted on 01/01/2012

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I don't blame her for being upset...try to put yourself in her shoes. Is unemployment and pregnancy with a short-term boyfriend what YOU'D want for your daughter?

That's not to say that things can't work out. They can. But it WILL be a lot more difficult, and you will need to commit yourself to a lot of hard work.

First thing first: you're going to need to set aside the supply teaching for now, and get a full-time job -- even if it's minimum-wage, you'll still be making more than you are teaching, sadly.

Talk to your mom and ask her if you can continue to live there until the baby is born. That will save you a ton on rent, and you can sock away the vast majority of your paycheque into savings. You can even have this done automatically through your bank. Be as frugal as you can -- you'll need to have some savings aside.

Yes, babies ARE wonderful and miraculous, but there's also reality: you're going to have to go from being financially supported, to actually financially supporting your own family. And the more responsible and forward-thinking you can be, the better things will go for you, and the less likely your mom is to worry. So while advice like "stay positive" and "it'll work out" SOUNDS nice, you need to plant your feet firmly on the ground right now and figure out how you're going to support yourself and a baby, especially if things DON'T work out with your boyfriend (and no matter how in love you are, that's always a possibility.)

I wish you luck -- having a baby in your situation will be difficult. But if you work hard and plan well and keep your head firmly planted on your shoulders, you should come out the other side okay.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/01/2012

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Hi Beth!
First of all congratulations on the baby they are such a blessing. Next, I personally do not think your mother is right and even though you may be in a difficult situation right now it doesn't mean you will always be. I feel children need very few things most importantly love and support, and while they are expensive there's ways to budget, they don't need lots of toys, expensive clothes etc. If you want to be a parent you can do it, it would be challenging no matter what situation you were in. Also it seems like your boyfriend is loving and supportive and that is wonderful! I wish you all the best!

Krista - posted on 01/01/2012

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Oh, and with regards to supplies for the baby, don't be shy to check out yard sales and thrift shops. You can often find some great items there -- some are barely even used. (You'll want to buy a new carseat, however -- with used ones, you don't know if they've been in an accident or not.)

[deleted account]

I would have said everything Krista already said! But now is the time to put yourself into a parenting mode. Start out with having a heart-to-heart talk with your mom. Yes, she's disappointed in your carelessness in preventing a pregnancy. But in the grand scheme of things, there could be far worse issues. Plus, you are an adult and not a 16 year old girl. You will need your mom more than ever as your advocate, your ally, and just simply being your mother. I honestly have to say I see red-flags with the boyfriend. He has suffered obvious trauma with the death of his wife and raising a 2 year old solo. Now another baby? It sounds like unplanned pregnancy might be more of an emotional overload on him than you. Put the long term goals of a "happy-ever-after" life with him on hold temporarily until you can judge how well your pregnancy goes, those first few months of motherhood. Please, please DO NOT rush into marriage. It's the wrong reason to marry and the instant role of wife and step-mother is enough to bring someone's world crumbling down, especially on top of having a new infant, or the hormonal part of pregnancy. In respect to you & the boyfriend, please have open, frank discussions. Discuss short-term goals before long-term goals. What do you hope for the next 4 months? 8 months? Labor/delivery? Maybe it's possible that HE is not all that excited about becoming a father again. What are HIS feelings towards this unplanned pregnancy? All the very best to you.

Krista - posted on 01/01/2012

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Good stuff. :) Just making sure. We get some people on here who really DO have no plans for how they're going to get by, but are just sort of "La la la...everything will work out!", and it can be a bit alarming.

So no...your mom isn't necessarily right. And I think that if you involve her in your planning and show her that you're really thinking things through, it'll help allay some of her concerns.

38 Comments

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Adrienne - posted on 01/12/2012

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Anytime Beth! If you need anything else or want to talk, email me! :) adriennecraw@gmail.

[deleted account]

Hi ladies, thanks for all the advice! My mum and I are now very much back to how our relationship was beforehand. I knew she was just reacting from shock but it gave me a momentary wobble! Unfortunately she won't be able to help out with pregnancy and baby as my parents are moving to a different country in 2 months.



Just wanted to thank you all for taking the time out of your busy lives to give me some support :)

Fleur - posted on 01/08/2012

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My mum did the same thing..
When i first told her i was pregnant i had just bought a house with my boyfriend, now husband, and she thought that it would make it to financially hard for us.
Shayla is now 2 and the apple of her nannys eye. It is just shock. Shell come around and remember aslong as you and your partner are happy that is all that matters. Good Luck with it all

Tiffany - posted on 01/06/2012

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I told my parents I was pregnant about 5 months after my 18th birthday, when I was about 3 months along. My mom told me that I wouldn't get to have a life and looked at her and said she was wrong, that I could still have a life it would just be a different kind of life. I'm about 70% finished with a bachelors in Elementary Education and my daughter just turned 2 in September. Hard work and determination go a very long way. Yes, you will probably be in a tiny flat and have it rough until you do get a regular job but as long as you don't give up and keep giving it your best then you can pull through.

Traci - posted on 01/05/2012

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When I told my mom I was pregnant, she stopped talking to me. She was so mad and disappointed that she didn't talk to me until I was almost 5 months pregnant. I knew she loved me but needed her space and time (not to say it didn't hurt really bad to not have my mom there with me for everything) but when I had my ultrasound at just over 20 weeks I invited my parents to come along and I was so very surprised that they came. My mom saw the baby on the ultrasound and realized that it was her grandbaby. And she started to come around. By the time my son was born, my mom and I had a great relationship and she was there with me when he was born. That time not talking to my mom was so hard at the time, but looking back I realized we needed that to have the bond we have now. My mom is my best friend and I talk to her everyday. Seems silly to me that we couldn't talk for months 4 years ago..

I tell you this because I think your mom needs time to adjust. Time to acknowledge and accept what is going on. I know why my mom reacted the way she did, maybe someday you will understand why your mom acted this way too. Give her space and don't hold a grudge or hang it over her head. Give her space and then let it go. She will come around, especially when she sees that bundle of joy.

Aleks - posted on 01/05/2012

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Hey Beth, Congratulations

And, just as a reminder. I know that the UK is a little bit similar to Australia when it comes to government support. I do not know exactly what is available to you (and your partner) and future baby, however, make yourself very familiar with what is on offer for you and TAKE AVANTAGE OF IT. It is there for that very reason.

I have good friends who have gone through unplanned pregnancies while either casually employed or finishing off their uni degrees, with new or transient partners/fathers of baby, and have managed to survive as mothers. No they aren't rich. Yes they are sometimes doing it tough financially, but the great things about our countries (I'm in Australia) is that one can survive on support from the government, if we really need to. Oh, and one of those friends is still with that man after 4 kids (and a few more pregnancies, unfortunatelly) and more than 12 years together. They are not rich, and sometimes go through financial pain (but so many people do that these days, huh?) for one reason or another, but their kids rarely go without. P.S. its called ebay! ;-) lol



I too had an unplanned pregnancy very early on in my relationship with a man I was seeing. I was older than you, and yes I was working, though still with parents (but starting to look around for my own pad). Actually, both my parents were aware that I may be pregnant even before I was. They were the ones that were trying to convince me to keep the baby (as I and my boyfriend were too scared to contemplate keeping the baby given we were together for barely 3 months when we found out) and were both happy to help me out should "the father" not be interested. In the end we decided to keep the baby and "give it a go". However, unlike your situation, my boyfriend had no previous children, and also had a steady and well paying career (we met through our work). I moved in with my boyfriend within 2 months of finding out. I worked up until 1 week before giving birth (he was one week early..lol) and haven't gone back to work since, and that was almost 6.5yrs ago. Since then we have become engaged, bought a house and had another baby together.

At the same time, I knew of women with careers, married bought a house, etc etc Had a baby and their husband walked out on them within months of the baby being born, while still on maternity leave with little money and a huge mortgage to split. So, some things are just pointless in worrying and fretting over as you can never plan what happens in your life. As long as you do what you believe to be the best thing for you (and your baby/family) its all that matters.

Good luck to you in the future. I am sure you will manage, even if it may be a little bit tough at the beginning.

Adrienne - posted on 01/04/2012

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Hey Beth! You sound really positive about the whole situation and that is awesome! I had my first child when I was 21 and my husband and I were not married but we were engaged. At the time we were both still living at home. We didn't get our own place until Liam was 4 months old. Honestly, it was hard. Neither one of us had jobs until Liam was 6 months old. BUT as trying and as stressful as things were our love held us together; along with a tremendous amount of support from family and friends and God most importantly. Now we've been married for almost 10 years and have two more kids, Emma 4 and Gavin 18 months. It's still difficult raising 3 kids and both of us working full time but, I wouldn't have it any other way. The only advice I'd offer is to stick to your gut and if you do decide to marry eventually, have the wedding you always wanted. That is the only regret I have. Mine was quick and fast. Blessings to you and Congratulations!!

Lori - posted on 01/03/2012

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I am a mother of a 23 yr old "single mom". My grandson is 3 1/2 and she is raising him without the help of the father. She is a hairstylist, lives in an apartment and is very happy. I help take care of him when I can, because she works later than daycare is open. You will be fine. Everyone, even married people have babies and have financial stress in the beginning. You have already received your degree so you are nearly there. It may be good timing so you can stay with your baby now while you are not working as often as you may get the opportunity to do so in the future. I am sure there are plenty of working moms that are teachers, too. She should get over it when she starts thinking of the precious life you are carrying and she will love your baby as much as she loves you. It will work out and you will get a good job when the time is right:D

Krista - posted on 01/03/2012

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Good luck, Beth! You're got a tough road ahead, but you come across as a very sensible and articulate young woman, and I think you'll wind up doing just fine.

Amanda - posted on 01/03/2012

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Shes 100% right. Having a child early is always the hard way in life. I had my first child at age 21 and my second child at age 22, my 3rd child at 31. I can tell you raising my first two were much harder then the 3rd as now I am stable and have a home, and married.



That being said I would not change my choices in life!

Ruthie - posted on 01/03/2012

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Needless to say, your Mother is deeply concerned and expressed herself rather harshly.

Beth, I support a good education, however, I know of many, many people that have gotten their degrees and are unable to find employment in their field, and some are having to work at minimum wage right now.

Right now, you are expecting a new addition in your life (planned or not) and your focus lies there. If you and your boyfriend want the baby, then that is what matters. Even having a child, you always have the opportunity to further your education and/or get a good paying job. Determination is just one positive key to what lies ahead. Good Luck

Joy Aka JOYBELL - posted on 01/03/2012

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Honey, I know you will come through this with victory, and God will provide for you. You see ... people decide when they are going to make love...but God decides when to make LIFE, and you are so wise to choose to put that precious baby FIRST priority in your future. With GOD ... all things are possible, and HE is on your team ;o) He
is the Father to the fatherless, and you will have HIS help because you are choosing LIFE!

Linda - posted on 01/03/2012

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wait for your mum to calm down, then ask for her support, i,e will she look after your baby - her grandchild while you get work, even if its not teaching - at least you will have money coming in thus enabling you to get a decent standard for you and your loved ones. i look after my grandsons while my son and his wife work. good luck

[deleted account]

I ended up in a very similar at 20. We decided to get married and move in together, which was supported, grudgingly, by my mother. I did not yet have a degree and had planned on starting classes that fall.
To date, life has not been the easiest, however we are still married 14 years later with 3 wonderful children. I have a very well paying job with good benefits and live exactly where I want to. During the trails, I often comforted myself with the fact that I would only be 42 when all of my children have graduated high school and move on to college, seeing the trade off worth it as i watch older parents struggle to 1)remember what it was like, and more importantly what they got by with, to be a child 2) keep up with the energy levels, and 3) stay technologically even with their kids.
Would I do it again? Probably not. But I do not regret it.

[deleted account]

Hi everyone - thanks for all the replies!

My boyfriend and I are looking to move in together in the next couple of weeks. We aren't looking to get married yet. Having a baby is not (for me) a reason to get married as if it doesn't work out then it is more traumatic for everyone. If we get married we will do it when we are both ready and because we love each other - no other reason!
At the moment I am supply teaching, it is better paid than minimum wage but I am also looking for evening work. That way if I don't get work teaching I will still have the evening work bringing in some money.

My boyfriend works in a supermarket, not the best wage ever I'm sure everyone will agree but it is regular and plenty of people manage on that sort of money!

I know it will be hard work but I'm willing to do it to make a good life for my baby and for my boyfriend's daughter. I already love her like she's my own so accepting her isn't difficult at all!

I don't have any hard feelings towards my mum, I just wanted some support and evidence things can work out if I set my mind to it. Thanks to all you lovely people I now feel confident again!

Becky - posted on 01/03/2012

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Hi there,
I got pregnant at 23 and my mum wasnt happy. I had been in a relationship for a year and 6 months prior to finding out i had an ectopic pregnancy. I did have a stable job which im still in but its going to be hard no matter what. Becoming a mum isnt easy for any woman. We lived with my boyfriends parents but moved out when my daughter was 3 months old and we have never looked back.
My baby is 2 1/2 now and even though times are hard (my parnter was made redundant 4 months ago) i wouldnt change a thing. Funnily enough my mum fell apart the first time she saw my daughter, she didnt think she could love a grandchild that much and its still the same today.
Aslong as you have the support form your boyfriend thats all you need. Your mum will come round when she sees your baby. No one was pleased for us but ask them now and they wouldnt change a thing. :)
Good Luck. Were always here for support and a chat if you need it.
Becky xxx

Delana - posted on 01/02/2012

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Hubby and I got pregnant with our first child 6 months after we married. I was 18 he was 21. We married almost 18 years ago. It's been a struggle, but we are happy. You may never achieve your dream job now, but when you look into that baby's eyes for the first time, I am sure you wont regret what happened.

April - posted on 01/02/2012

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i dont belive she is right u can have a great job and live is a place all with a child if u work hard for it congrats on the baby gods greats gift ever

K - posted on 01/02/2012

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AS almost ever post has stated , your Mom is probably in shock. Things will get tough, no lies there. With determination and hard work from both you and your boyfriend you should be able to go on with the teaching and your Mom will turn around. You child is a gift and she will see it once she has a chance to think things through. Congrats and good luck.

LaDonna - posted on 01/02/2012

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I don't think having a baby is all that awful. I had mt first child at 17 you are having your first child at 22. Yes babies are a lot of hard work but they also bring lots of joy to your life. Your mother will soon change her mind when she finally get to see her grand baby.

Chris - posted on 01/02/2012

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Every child is a gift from God. I know the timing really stinks and your life will be much more complicated. Ideally, I would like to see girls get and education, a job and a husband before having a child but that didn't happen. Oh well! You are still going to be blessed with a wonderful child! You mom just wanted an easier life for you. She probably was thinking more like me. My 21 year old daughter had a baby last June. I was completely heartbroken when she told me she was pregnant. I cried for days. I just wanted to perfect life for her and now she is dealing with some very adult problems while still trying to go to college and take care of her baby. It still hurts my heart to see her struggle. On the upside, she is an excellent mother and my granddaughter is adorable! You will be fine. It won't be easy and there is a huge possibility that your relationship won't survive but I am sure you will do whatever you have to do to make a wonderful life for your child. Congratulations!

Marilyn - posted on 01/02/2012

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She wants the best for you. You will now have to work twice as hard to be able to support a baby. She is completely right as she was voicing her opinion and feeling honest feelings. Please don't choose to hsrbor harsh feelings tward her as I am sure she was shocked. Given time things will work out for you all. There is no right or wrong in an opinion and I wish you all the best as it will be a difficult time.

Rosie - posted on 01/02/2012

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My question to you is what are you and your boyfriend going to do to support yourselves and your new baby? Is it possible to move in with your boyfriend? Does he work? Babies are a blessing no matter how unplanned they are.try to apply for another job till you can get into a teaching position,also your boyfriend and you can work different shifts so one of you can always be with the children. good luck and keep us posted.

Elise - posted on 01/02/2012

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Oh yeah, I'm 23, I live with my husband, his 10 year old boy from a previous relationship, our 1 year old son, I am 6 months pregnant with our second bub, currently studying for my degree part time. With a supportive man and awesome stepson and kids, it is easy! My life rocks and yours will too, new bubba will only make it more awesome!!

Elise - posted on 01/02/2012

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It is her initial shock reaction I'm sure. You don't have to believe everything she says. Plenty of successful people out there who had kids before careers. You are young and actually the perfect biological age to be having kids anyway, your body is built for it which makes it easier, I think having kids first is a good idea, I know too many people that waited for their career to take off then have to spend all their hard earned cash trying to make babies with IVF etc. If you and your boyfriend are in it for the long term and planning to live together etc, you will be preparing anyway to become a step mum and now is a good time (while daughter is age 2) to bring another sibling into the mix as it could be helpful in getting the two kids to bond and forming the family unit, where the kids can grow up together as equal siblings. This is what you should be thinking about anyway if you are in it for good with your boyfriend, you are accepting his daughter for good as well. And hey, maybe in your mums day it would have been a disaster but times have totally changed and we can do so much more, even with a couple of kids! P.S there is a huge shortage of teachers in NZ and this country is a primo place to raise kids...just a thought...

Joanne - posted on 01/02/2012

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the chances are that you will be due the baby in the summer so you could go back to work part time and i was younger than you at 17 when i found myself preganant and my mum and in laws were somewhat not impressed told me i had ruined my life well i havent i have a fab family of 5 now and foster up to 3 more at a time so you make the most of what you have it will be hard at first but once you have got in to a routine you will do fab stop worrying and enjoy pregnance and parenthood xx

Bonnie - posted on 01/02/2012

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Well, you are 22. You are an adult. You have a career that you want to have underway. If you and your boyfriend are serious then I don't see why you can't make it work. She was likely acting the way she was from being in shock, although some mothers will be like that even if you are living with your boyfriend in your own place. You just need to think about the future and what you both want and work towards it. It can be done.

Kaitlin - posted on 01/02/2012

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I think she was reacting in shock as well- she wants the best for you and has seen you work hard to get where you are. To her, having a baby now (rather than later) means you'll be stuck. However, I don't think she is right. Yes, it might be a little tough, especially after baby is born depending on what you (and your boyfriend) decide to do about work, staying at home, childcare for your child and his child. But that's life. It's always tough. If you were four or five years down the road, it would be tough too. Maternity leave doesn't always work out. So really, she loves you, she is afraid for you, but she'll come around. Does she like your boyfriend? What does he do? Will you guys move in together? Do you have a job now (even min wage)?

Skye - posted on 01/02/2012

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congrats hunni u sound like ur head is screwed on right yep ur mum is over reacting, aim low and u wont be disappointed sounds like her theory on ur future...good thing its not urs!!! my mum is also unsupportive so i know how destructive that can be....truly though dont do anything for anyone except urself and ur family, including ur partner and his daughterwishing u all the best hey xo skye

Jesika - posted on 01/02/2012

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My mum told me exactly the same thing and told me to get rid of my child. I totally ignored her as it is my body and my choice and my mum now dotes on my son and couldn't be happier. At the end of the day it's up to you. Good luck in your decision xxxxxx

[deleted account]

Good advice Krista, but don't underestimate the "stay positive" . To make it work one must stay positive so as not to succumb to negative thinking and the downward spiral. As long as there is support from all sides there is no reason why this situation can't have a "happy ending."

[deleted account]

Hi Krista,

Thankyou for the advice! I did live away from home for 4 years so I do know how to support myself, I just have to factor into account having a baby. Don't worry, I am very aware it's going to be hard work.

No unemployment is not what I would want for my daughter at all. I do understand why she reacted in that way, now all I want to do is prove to her that I can do better than she thinks.

[deleted account]

You are young, so you have many years ahead to forge a career. Right now, you are about to do the most important and wonderful thing you will ever do: have a child. Your Mum most probably did react badly due to shock, she only wants the best life for you. Of course, that is based on what SHE thinks is best for you! With the support of your partner, and hopefully the support of your parents, you will be able to provide for your child. Your life and your job prospects are not over at all. This is just a new part of your life. Embrace it, stay positive and be the best you can be.
When your child is older and you are ready to re-join the workforce, you can then explore the ways to use your teaching qualifications even if it means going back to school for a little while.

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