Just recently separated....I have lots of questions

Jennifer - posted on 07/10/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I have just separated from my children's father, we were together for 8 years (no marriage). In November of 2013 we mutually decided that we were no longer happy together. So I finally moved out and took our 2 children with us to live in an apartment across town.
Me and my ex are still friendly towards each other and able to spend family time together with the kids occasionally. First question, Is that ok that we are able to be friends?
Though he feels he made a mistake, and Im clearly happy where I am as a single adult, ( I dont call it a single mom because....well he still co parents a lot)
In March I decided to hit the rebound scene and filled my spare time that the kids were away with their father with time for me to be a grown up. Upon my enjoyment and complete surprise I bumped into an old friend from High school that we used to crush on each other, we both made it apparent that we weren't ready for a relationship we just wanted to catch up on times and just have some fun together. after almost 5 months of spend time together on the weekends when the kids are away we have become something of an Item, we dont call it a relationship but hell we both feel like it is. ( I dont like labels and neither does he)
He loves who I am as a person and says he has feelings for me, he wants to meet my children, and Ive spoken with their dad about it and he absolutely shut it down. I know that is not up to me and him to decide whether my kids can meet my friend but I didnt want him completely shocked when my children speak about him...
My second question is, Do you feel like its safe to allow my kids to meet him?
We have already discussed things of our future together and have actually made plans to be married and spoke about our career futures and how our lives would work. He's a stable man and has a career of his own and all the things good about a decent man.
Does anyone think I moved on too quickly after leaving my ex?
We were both unfaithful many times but after a long stretch of me being faithful and him not so much I just feel like I wasnt "IN LOVE" with him for a very long time, kind of like co ed room mates who happen to have children together....does that sound bad? probably so....Im not looking for Judgement and Would really just like someone to answer my questions.

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Ev - posted on 07/11/2014

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Your welcome. As for being scared on making the choices for you and your kids, we sometimes make the choice we think is right but it ends up being a bad one. Mistakes make us grow and learn. All you can do is your best.

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Jennifer - posted on 07/11/2014

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Thanks for your answers this helped me a lot, Its strange to ACTUALLY be single and free to do my own thing. From the better half of my teen tears and my younger 20's I was with my Ex and its one of those things where we made decisions jointly and now I make decisions on my own and Im still so scared to make the wrong decision for myself and for my children.

Ev - posted on 07/10/2014

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Question 1: It is wonderful if parents can be friends for the sake of their kids. Its important for kids to see that mom and dad still communicate nicely with each other and if you are spending quality time with the kids and their dad in family time, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. In reality, most people are not friendly with each other when they break up and do not spend quality time with their children together. Most times as not the couple will be fighting or not talking nicely to one another and blaming each other over this and that. Or one of the couple tries desparately to make things work.
Question 2: There is no rule as far as I know as to when to have the kids meet a new person in the life of the parent. A lot of people on here I have read posts of say to give it six months or longer until you are sure that the relationship is solid. Its really up to you and how you feel the kids will react. But do not expect the kids to automatically like your new guy. It takes time for that to establish as he is a stranger to them and he should not expect the kids to love him instantly no matter how much he has been told about them. As for their dad, he may not like it that you have moved on to someone new and telling him about the new guy meeting his kids is a good move. But, as you said, you both agreed to split and work things out for the kids, and he has to understand you are not going to wait until the kids are grown and gone before you move on. He has to expect that things will change even if he does not meet anyone new. And he can not tell you what you do with the kids on your time.
Question 3: As for moving on too quickly from your ex, that is all on you. Its depends on how you are feeling about yourself and the situation with your ex and how you feel about having someone in your life. Each of us are different and some take years to get where you are, others a few years, and some as quickly as you have. It just depends on the person.
Question 4: Relationships are what the two people involved put into them regardless of kids or not. You both did things and you saw it for what it was to you. It does not sound bad that you were more roommates than a couple. And maybe, after some time it was just convenient for you to stay together. Who knows the answers to the things going in your relationship but you?

As for your going your own ways and working things out for the kids--you have done well but you might want to think about setting up 50-50 joint custody, visitation and child support. This will ensure that what you guys have started out to do will still be in play unless one of you decides that you want to change things up. It does require to go to court and have a judge sign off on it. If you decide to marry this man, your ex might not like that either and try to make things harder as you have no court orders on custody set as yet or so I take it from what you described above. Just note that those court orders for custody and so on protect the kids and both you and dad so that if someone does not do their end of things the other parent has a legal way to keep the other parent in check. Also right now, your ex has as much right as you do to the kids and can if he chooses to not give them back. And in that case you would be heading to court anyway. Those were just some inside tips. Good Luck.

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