Keeping Secrets From Your Spouse

Sean - posted on 02/12/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Can someone help me?

I Love my wife deeply and felt she is my soul mate we have been married to my wife for 18 years come May 17 2015. We have 4 biological kids together 2 girls One 16 and One 13 and 2 boys age 9 and 7.

I was just informed by an outside source my oldest daughter has tried weed supposedly only one time and did not like it.

I asked my wife if she knew about this and she said, yes....

I’m shocked, hurt, angry and feel betrayed I was kept in the dark about something so major, and I should not of found out 2nd hand by accident.

I’m i justified for feeling this way?

My wife just happened to ask her in conversation in talking about things and she told her yes she tried it but didn’t like it.

My wife tole me she was NOT told in confidence by our daughter, so it wasn't a violation of breaking a promise or trust.

My wife just felt that I didn't need to know and I cant seem to process this at all as we are both actively involved in all our kids lives. She says she talked to her and handled it, but we are both her parents and I feel as her Dad I should of been told by my spouse out of respect and decency of a relationship and bond I thought we had not only as parents but also as husband and wife.

If were a team partners as husband and wife and also as parents shouldn't we be informed of something so major as this, especially if it was NOT told to her in confidence.

Can someone help me process this feeling of being hurt and betrayed please?

4 Comments

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Raye - posted on 02/13/2015

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I agree with Jodi: "You can't change what she did. But you can change how you may communicate about issues like this in the future."

I don't see it as a betrayal, but I can understand your reasoning why you feel that way. But, your wife felt the situation was handled and didn't feel the need to upset you with the information. She probably didn't know it would upset you more to not be told about it than for the actual issue itself. Calmly let her know that you prefer her to discuss all issues with you in the future.

And no, most people will not get arrested for trying a little weed unless they're smoking it publically on the street or something. There was the big "crack-down on drugs" there for a while where there were more arrests for low-level possession, but most places have eased up on that and only give tickets unless you have enough on your person that they feel you had intent to distribute (usually more than an ounce, or about 60 joints).

I have never smoked weed, but I had quite a few friends that did. They always acted stupid while doing it (which I never wanted to be seen that way), and if I inhaled any second-hand I always got a headache (another reason for me to stay away from it), so I had/have absolutely no interest in trying it or being around it at all whether it would be legal or not. But it's very common for teens to try it or have friends that smoke pot. So, if she said she didn't like it, then I'm sure there's nothing to worry about with your daughter. And again, about your wife, just tell her you wish to be clued in on these things in the future and then trust her to do so and let the matter go.

Jodi - posted on 02/12/2015

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What I meant by not coming up in conversation is that if it wasn't something YOU brought up, she probably just didn't think it mattered if it was something that was over and done with. Sometimes that happens in our house if one or the other of us is a little overwhelmed with work or other issues. But given you had already raised concerns, then yes, I can see why you would wonder why she didn't say anything.

I guess if you'd already questioned it and she knew, or found out, I can't say why she didn't say anything to you. It makes more sense to be upset over it. However, I'd say express your feelings over that to your wife, let her know why you feel that way. Maybe she will apologise. You can't change what she did. But you can change how you may communicate about issues like this in the future.

Sean - posted on 02/12/2015

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How can your 16 year old child smoking weed not come up in conversion?

That is the thing I told her about a month ago that I wondered if she could be doing that and looking back now there have been a few occasions where I feel I should of been told, besides immediately when it happened.

It was my understanding we tell each other everything as she has been told in confidence not to tell anyone about certain things (non kid related) and me as well and we both have always communicated with each other .

How are we a team, if something so major happens and I didn't inform her or vice versa this isnt something small this is an arrestable offence at the least.

There are so many absentee dads out there not involved in their kids lives and here I am being left out of something way to important to not be informed.

Jodi - posted on 02/12/2015

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Quite honestly, there are things I don't bother discussing with my husband about the kids either (and vice versa), unless it comes up in conversation. Maybe it just never came up in conversation and she honestly didn't feel she needed to say anything because it wasn't an issue that was going to be ongoing and it was dealt with and in the past. It's not like she lied to you. I'm sure if you'd asked outright, she would have told you the truth, or if you'd been having a conversation at some stage about kids and drugs, she would have told you. I'd hardly say it was a deliberate act of "betrayal".

Let your wife know how you are feeling, and that with issues like this, you would really like to be included, and then move on.

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