kicked my son out

Sue - posted on 07/20/2015 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Was using drugs and told him he had to leave, been dealing with this for years keeps calling telling me has nothing out there. I am so upset having to do this what next how do I remain strong?

16 Comments

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Sarah - posted on 07/21/2015

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As mothers we instinctively want to protect our kids. Addiction is such a tricky disease. If he were holding a loaded gun to his head, would you just let him carry-on? That is what paying his bills, sweet talking his boss, bailing from jail etc. does, it enables him to continue on a path that may end with his death. To help him, you must not "help" him. Let him fall. At most, drive him to rehab and store his stuff for him until he is ready to live independently.

Sue - posted on 07/21/2015

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I have two other sons older AND by the way the eldest is a police officer, go figure, he is very helpful but you know the family thing is hard, he thought I should not have put him out at first now sees its the best thing we are all kinda tired of the behaviors my son has a hard job as a police officer deals with addicts daily most of the criminals so he has it hard

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2015

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There ya go...look on that bright side, even if it is only a couple of pounds!
Do you have any support system there? family, close friends, church family? They are extremely helpful too.
Yes, my dear, this will be the hardest part right here...but I know you can do it! After all, you did drop him off to kindergarten, and didn't run in behind him...LOL...like we all felt like doing that first school day...and you let him learn to ride a bike, with all the scrapes and scratches that come...so you can do this too! Yes, the hurt is 'bigger', because your kid is an adult...but keep on the positive side.
You're in my prayers, and so is your son.

Sue - posted on 07/21/2015

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well it was easy for him to be here and be an addict now out there on his own with no mommy he will probably lose his job cause i feel he feels defeated and thats what should happen i know you know how i feel hes my son i love him its just so hard to watch this s... happen thats all but i will sit back and watch hopefully he rises up and becomes strong thank you for your words they will help me sleep tonight on the bright side i may lose a couple pounds haha

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2015

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Sue, that's the point. You're the one worried about it, and he isn't. Yes, he could lose his job. I'm actually surprised that he's holding a job if his drug problems are as you say. Yes, if he's making payments on anything, he could lose those things as well. Drug addicts do that to themselves. If you start taking those payments, or try to soften his boss, you aren't helping him. He's got to lose things. He's got to realize, on his own, his destructive behaviour.
The most you can do is repeat: "I love you, son, and BECAUSE I love you, I'm not helping you or allowing you in my home until you do rehab."
Yess it is hard, and yes he will be pissed off. Yes, you'll feel like the broken record again, but it truly is the only way. If you keep enabling, he'll keep doing. Look at Amy Winehouse. Her parents kept enabling. She's dead. I know that's extremely harsh, but being a drug addict isn't sunshine and roses, and it ruins families.
That's why we keep recommending alanon, and counseling for families of addicts. They are a superb support system, and there are people there who will look at you and say immediately "I understand, and here is a coping mechanism."

Sue - posted on 07/21/2015

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what about his job if he loses that either way he will lose his truck which i know is just material then i guess so be it if he doesnt care i shouldnt either right hate to see that happen

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2015

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Rock bottom will be when he tells you (or anyone) "Take me to rehab. I'm ready. I'm tired of killing myself, and I need help". Yes, he will admit at that point that he needs help!
Unfortunately, it may take a few trips to jail, or overdosing himself into a hospital stay before he reaches that point. For my husband, it was overdosing to the point that he woke up on life support. As soon as he was released, he moved away from the area, got himself clean, and met me (LOL which, of course, was the best thing ever for him).
Actually, I was kind of being facetious about 'best thing ever', but he still to this day tells me that if we hadn't met, and married, he may still have relapsed, but knowing that I wouldn't put up with it kept him clean.
He IS the best thing that's ever happened to me, so I'm glad for the circumstances that brought him into my life, even if they weren't the best.

Sue - posted on 07/21/2015

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I am not trying to be stupid just wondering, how will i know rock bottom , trusted me I am standing firm with him staying out of this house but any idea what rock bottom looks like a little clue for me the newbie here any advice you give is so appreciated

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2015

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Unfortunately, Sue, he's not at that rock bottom point just yet.
Be strong!

Sue - posted on 07/21/2015

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He has a job says he will go in the winter I doubt that . THATS WHAT HE SAID ONE TIME BEFORE MOST TIMES ITS I DONT NEED REHAB ITS A JOKE

Sarah - posted on 07/20/2015

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Stay firm. contact your local Al-anon or Families Anonymous. You will find support there from parents who have been exactly where you stand right now. Make certain you have locked up your house and car and that he has no access to any of your personal data. A desperate addict will do almost anything to keep using.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/20/2015

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Hang in there, Sue. Being the parent is sometimes the hardest part after your kids are adults! Hopefully he'll hit rock bottom soon and get himself into treatment, where you can really begin to help him.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/20/2015

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My husband is a 26 year recovered crack addict. He counsels others on addiction treatment and what is necessary for success.

Sue - posted on 07/20/2015

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thank you for that advice, its difficult to do what I have done Do also have this problem with anyone

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/20/2015

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It will be hard, but you CAN do this. DO NOT let him back into your home. Only meet with him in public places. DO NOT give him any financial assistance. He has to hit rock bottom and go through rehab on his own.
Remind him that you LOVE HIM. That you are doing this BECAUSE you love him, but you refuse to enable his destructive behaviour.
Get into counseling for families of addiction. This will help you stay strong. Make sure the rest of the family is on the same page. He will not be able to get better unless he meets a united front from his family, and that front has to be that you won't help him.

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