Kicked out violent 18yr old daughter 2 yrs ago,now she's almost homeless

Amy - posted on 01/31/2016 ( 9 moms have responded )

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My daughter was 16 years old, and very violent. She would get mad at me for telling her to put her dirty dishes in the sink, or telling her to clean her room. When she got mad, she'd throw things at me, hit me, call me names, tell me how weak and pathetic I am, etc.... One day, the last day she lived with me, she punched my husband, her step father almost every times (he just stood there and took it). He walked her to the door to get her to cool down on the front porch. She was outside and my husband tried to close thedoor. His hand was between the door jam and the metal door, and my daughter slammed it over and over until there was blood all over from his hand. I took him to the ER and they recommended stitches, but he opted for lots of butterfly bandages.
This ALL happened in front of my son who was 3 years old at the time.
I called her father and had him pick her up. He was living with his parents at the time as his 3rd wife kicked him out. Since then she has been in a little bit of therapy (her father insists he knows best, and insists that he'll take her to appointments, but rarely does). She has had several (at least 10) similar angry, violent outbursts with her father, his parents, several other people she's lived with. People get tired of walking on eggshells around her and her violent behavior, and they kick her out. The last time was yesterday.
She was staying at one of her friend's homes. This home has no hot water. I offered for her to stay at my mom's house because my mother was widowed in June 2015, and is very lonely, and is disabled with MS and Alzeimershe (sp?). They got into a very heated argument, and my daughter just up and left. She's in 12th grade, and her father is an over-the-road truck driver. He has her doing cyber school online, but she can't do it if she doesn't have an Internet signal. She now is going to live with him in his tractor trailer. His wife refuses to let my daughter live with her because she gets so violent.
For the safety of my 2 son's (5 years old and 5 months old) and my 3 year old granddaughter, I can't let her live with me. She's been kicked out of most of my family's homes. I feel like a horrible mother because I won't take her back, and she's living in a tractor trailer, and probably won't graduate high school, but I have to keep the rest of my family safe. This is so difficult!

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Ev - posted on 02/01/2016

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But did the therapy even help her? From the sounds of it, this option did not work since your daughter got worse over time.

Amy - posted on 02/01/2016

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I forgot to include that she was in counseling for almost 8 years. I took her to weekly counseling as well as a psychiatrist every 3 months. When I could no longer handle her, her father said he could, which is why he took her in.

Raye - posted on 02/01/2016

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The others are right, that it shouldn't have gotten to this point. At the fist sign of violence, she should have been put in regular counseling. And for sending someone to the hospital, you should have called the police on her after getting medical attention. All that is past now, and both her parents have failed her. So, she will be out in the world, trying to make her way without having the skills to properly cope with life.

The fact is your daughter will be 18, legally an adult, and held responsible by law enforcement for what she does in her life. You can leave her to sink or swim on her own, if that's your choice. Since she's so out of control, maybe that's all that you can do at this point. And hope that she learns her lesson while there's still time to turn herself around.

Amy - posted on 01/31/2016

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I understand. That costs alot of money, and I couldn't afford anymore lawyer bills. We'd already paid my lawyer thousands. And if he violates an order, yes, I can take him to court, if I pay court costs and my attorney costs.

Ev - posted on 01/31/2016

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I am not judging you but if you had court orders concerning the girl's custody, visitation between parents, and child support you could have gone back to court and asked for a change in the visitation and such including the clause that she tend regular therapy treatments. Dad would have been on the hook for not complying for it. But it is past and there is not much to do about it now but hope and pray she learns and wakes up.

Amy - posted on 01/31/2016

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When her father had her for almost 2 years, he made it extremely difficult for me to see my daughter to be able to take her to consistent counseling. That was not my fault. As a mom, I am worried, and was just hoping for encouragement that I am doing the right thing in letting her live with the consequences of her own actions.
Oh, and I work full time, and have other children that I need to take care of, so the few vacation days I am given at work also make it difficult to be able to take her to appointments.
My oldest son was in the hospital for 10 days a year and a half ago for kawasaki disease, and again last year (only for a week this time) for tonsillitis.
My 5 month old son was in the hospital for a total of 2 weeks (a week at 3 weeks old, and a week at 5 weeks old)
Hospitalization for my son's tends to use up most of my time off from work.

Ev - posted on 01/31/2016

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By then she will be considered an adult actually so she will have to take responsiblity for her actions. But she needed some consistent therapy not sporadic. It is kinda late now for that. She is going to finally one day go at someone in a violent manner and end up having the police called on her and get arrested for assault or other crimes for her actions. I hate to see this happen to her and her being homeless is going to be on her shoulders as well.

Amy - posted on 01/31/2016

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What was I thinking? I was actually thinking "I don't want to see my daughter live in a homeless camp by the river".
Thanks.
She will actually be 18 next Sunday, the 7th.
My 20 year old shares joint custody of her daughter with her daughter's father. The 20 year old and her daughter live with me.

Ev - posted on 01/31/2016

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So she is 18? She is an adult now and she needs to take responsiblity for her actions. Since no one made her take responsiblity earlier on...she has just been allowed to get worse over time since no one has really tried to get her the help she needs. I would not at all allow her in my home after what happened prior to this. And what were you thinking when sending her to live with your mother who was disabled? She could have hurt her grandmother worse. I think you need to let this girl just learn the lesson the hard way. By the way, the 3 year old grand child...who has custody of her?

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