Kids struggles after divorce :(

Shawna - posted on 01/24/2014 ( 20 moms have responded )

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I was hoping someone could give me some guidance....I've been divorced for a year now and it's been tough on the kids from time to time. They live with their Dad because of school, dance, and the majority of their family and friends live their. I unfortunately don't have any blood family in the state. Anyway, I've had problems with their Dad not telling me about their field trips and grades. I try to stay on top of it but I don't get them but every weekend. I guess my question is for divorced moms and how they deal with issues without it being hard on the kids.

20 Comments

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Katherinee - posted on 01/28/2014

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Yeah . Get in contact with the teachers and the board b of education is always having parent teacher conferences and stuff like that .. or you could probably even check the schools website for trips and stuff .. instead of your ex husband picking up your children's report card ,, you go and ask questions .. I think its easier that way ..

Shawna - posted on 01/28/2014

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Thank you! He is very willing to give them to me on weekends. I tell them I need to know when they have field trips but I think they forget. I will get in contact with their teachers to get the schedule

Katherinee - posted on 01/28/2014

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Hi,

Im a daughter of a broken home ( divorced parents ) and im a mom now .. the best thing you can do is go to court .. get weekend custody every weekend , schedule meetings with your children's teachers to see how they see doing in school .. have any questions , just ask them nicely or bring it up randomly so they do not think you are spying on them .. and try not to have any arguments with the dad around them ... I hope this helps ..

Shawna - posted on 01/25/2014

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Also I looked at my 6 year old's report card (1st grade) and she had C's on there and the teacher put a conference needed note with "I will be calling soon" on it. I know she doesn't act up but I think its her grades. I know if the kids aren't doing well the custody can be changed. School is a very good progress tracker for the home life.

Shawna - posted on 01/25/2014

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That is a very good idea!!! I have been thinking about a rearrangement but I'm not sure yet if that's what they need. I'm afraid he would make it hard on them if I did. The document scanning thing is a good idea! I'll look into that! I have all the rights he does. Its heartbreaking to miss all their field trips. Their dad never went to any and I went to all of them. Now no one goes :'(

Leela - posted on 01/25/2014

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Hi Shawna, I'm so sorry for what you all are going through. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate your custody agreement. Your girls seem to miss you. We have an arrangement where an communication from the school must be scanned and sent to the other parent. Ultimately it all comes down to communication and this has to be worked out with your ex.

Shawna - posted on 01/25/2014

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He is just breaking their heart with all the people they get used to seeing and they don't stay :(

Shawna - posted on 01/25/2014

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I've always believed in not introducing the kids unless its someone you want to marry and that's what I did.

Ev - posted on 01/25/2014

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Its not bad if its done the right way. My ex dated a few women over the course of a year or so. There was one who would have been good for my kids but he did not marry her. He married the last one he dated that year. She had four girls. Then they divorced 14 months later and six after that he married his current wife.

Shawna - posted on 01/25/2014

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Their dad hasn't married yet but they have met lost of potential ones and I know that's bad for kids.

Ev - posted on 01/25/2014

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They should. As they get older they will see through what their dad does with the money. I hope he does right by them though. My kids have seen their dad marry 2x since me and both step moms have not been the best for either of them. The current one still tries to get her ten cents into things. I just hope that she learns that I am there for the long haul. My youngest had things figured out with his dad and the step moms since he was five.

Shawna - posted on 01/25/2014

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That's great to hear :) my girls are smart and can't doubt for a minute my love for them.... they will hopefully see one day what I did for them was just that...for them.

Ev - posted on 01/25/2014

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I have been divorced for 11 plus years. I had to let mine go with him because I was not financially able to fight him in court for them and keep it that way but I also did not want them to have to suffer more than they had already with me and him fighting constantly for custody for whatever reasons between me and their father. That part of it was in their best interest...peace of mind and some sort of stability. I had the visitation and made the best of it. My oldest was 12 and the youngest was 5 at the time. I have found that through the years that by 12 my oldest had been raised enough to know what I expected of her. The 5 year old was not going to be easy to figure out. But I have had the luck of being an influence though our time together was short. I made the most of it and focused my all on them. I have not had boyfriends or remarried myself by choice because of them. I have also made sure they knew I was there for them no matter what, I would advise them on things if they needed it to know how to talk to their dad if issues came up because I for one could not tell him how to run his house and told them that too, I told them I loved them all chances I got. I kept how I had rules and consequences the same even when their dad did not. Now at ages 24 and 17, they have earned my respect and I have earned theirs, we are closely bonded, and I Know where I stand in their eyes and lives.

Shawna - posted on 01/25/2014

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Every weekend the girls are here my 6 year old asks how many nights they are staying and hates when its time to leave :( I give them the love and structure they need but he spends tons of money on them to show love. Girls their age love that. Its very unbalanced. My husband takes them hunting and fishing....they get the kind of dad they really need from him.

Shawna - posted on 01/25/2014

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Yes we have joint custody with him as primary. I thought it was in their best interest but now I'm not so sure :( I had never been divorced with kids before so I didn't realize everything that happens. I gave him WAY too much credit lol. Of course they are taken care of and aren't abused or anything. I'm learning how Narcissistic he really is. He will do anything to make himself look good and the kids suffer for it by being told lies about me and my husband etc. I know the only way to prove to them he is lying and I'm a good mom is to be a good mom. I think the control I've lost is my hardest battle :( the majority rules and I can't raise them the way I want and did for the first 9 years of my oldest girls life (the girls are 10,9, & 6)... I can just hope the time I was there 24/7 instilled the good in them and there is still a chance for them to not be like him :(

Ev - posted on 01/25/2014

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Basically, you have to step up and make a big effort to make sure you are included in everything, do you have joint custody with him as primary care parent?

Shawna - posted on 01/24/2014

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I'm glad I'm not the only one :) seems like I miss everything I used to be the only on that went to lol. I just learned they are doing less than their potential in school and I feel helpless about that. I hear you about the step moms. I deal with that too :(

Ev - posted on 01/24/2014

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Its never going to be easy on the kids no matter what goes on. You need to make it clear to dad that you need to know things regarding them as is your right to know. I am in the same situation of the kids having lived with dad from the divorce. Their dad left me out of major decisions about medical issues, school things, and other issues. They have had two step moms in the whole process but one is still married to their dad. SHe has tried to give her two cents worth and hoped it would count for something when it legally was not her call to help with major life choices. The best you can do is to tell the kids you love them everyday you can, give all of yourself to them and make them your focus. After 11 years and better, I have not only earned my kids respect and love, but I have earned it as a person too. They know where they stand with me.

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