Late Term Miscarriage--premature birth

Tonya - posted on 06/12/2015 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I think I just need a place to tell my story to some women that may possibly understand how completely devastated I am.

I have two sons, first born at 37 weeks, 2nd went in to labor at 21 weeks which was stopped with Brethane and Terbutaline, I was also given two steroid injections 24 hours apart for my son's lungs. I took Terbutaline for the duration of that second pregnancy and made it to 36 weeks.

In February I found out I was pregnant (middle of the month) 2 weeks later I was in a car accident and was admitted for free fluid in my abdomen. They couldn't do a catscan so we never really figured out what it was, but I was released the next day. 2 weeks later I was spotting and went to the ER and diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage.

I continued to spot off and on throughout the pregnancy. The first day of my 19th week I was having some pains and spotting and went to L&D. They put me on the monitor did a pelvic, checked the baby and SHE, my first girl...was doing great. The following week at 19 w 5 days I began having regular contractions ever 3 minutes, lost my mucus plug and made my way to L&D after calling my physician. I was put on a monitor they saw contractions, but they only checked me with a speculum twice and both times said my cervix was thick and closed tight (no pelvic). My contractions were becoming unbearably painful. Finally after 2 hours the attending came in and did a pelvic exam and said I was 4 cm dilated and she was sorry but I was going to deliver. No time for pain relief (they gave me .4 of dilaudid but it did nothing.) I was still in triage at this point when they then decided to move me to a delivery room. A resident checked me right before we left that room and said she could feel the sac. We began down the hall and I yelled that I had so much pressure. All of the sudden as we are making our way down the hall from under the blanket I feel this volcanic eruption of liquid and my baby. I felt her wiggle between my legs. As soon as we were in the room they uncovered me, did a few things and then cut her umbilical cord. She was amazingly little but looked perfectly formed. My husband and I held her and cried. She lived an amazing 4 hours. The hurt is so horrible. She is my angel and my princess. I love her so much it kills me inside. They can't determine what went wrong. I am over 35. They said stillbirth despite her living for 4 hours and said I had delivery mental disorder (duh).

Sorry this is so long, but I just needed to let it out. Thanks to all of you and hoping to hear from mom's that have experienced something similar.

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Tonya - posted on 06/14/2015

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Thank you and that means a lot to me. If my story can help one person heal it is worth telling. Thinking of you all always.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/13/2015

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She's waiting for you, Tonya, and think of all the joy that she's bringing to grandparents and parents who are no longer with us!

Jenn - posted on 06/13/2015

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I have lost five children. Someone told me (and I really should look this up) that when you get to Heaven you will be reunited with all the children you have lost and they will know you. I take such comfort in that. My babies made it to the second trimester phase and then would stop developing with no explanation. I would go in for a check up and pray for to hear that tiny whump whump whump on the machine to know my baby's heart was beating, and when it didn't come, the first time they told me to go home. They said it was no big deal. I said, "something doesn't feel right." The doctor told me I was being paranoid. I was about to fly halfway across the country and I said, "humor me." He said, "Fine, have an ultrasound, but I'll see you in 4 weeks." I remember the ultrasound picture like it was yesterday, my body still thought I was pregnant and my uterus was still growing but down in the bottom lay a tiny baby. The doctor wouldn't come out and say my baby had died, he just kept saying it wasn't developing and I didn't understand what that meant at the time. It was April 1st and I pleaded with him when it dawned on me, please tell me this is a bad April fool's joke. He cried. I cried. I was carrying a dead child, so they scheduled me for surgery. It was a D&C, the same surgery used for abortions. That was hard, and I had complications so I went back and the doctor said, "We're afraid we may have accidentally left part of the baby inside you." So I had the same surgery one week later.
I went through this process with three of my babies and had spontaneous miscarriages with my other two. I never got to hold them or see them, but I did name them all and make them Christmas ornaments and that really helped. Every year I get them out and celebrate them and mourn them a little and every year it gets a little easier. My five living children know their names and talk sometimes about the brothers and sisters they might have had, but I so love the ones I have now, I can't imagine having a different five.
Ms. Dusenbery below already said all the beautiful things I would have told you, believe me, she's right. I know you need some people now to just say, "I've been there, I get your pain." you are not alone. You are part of as great or small a group as you choose to be, because there are so many of us hurting women. But we choose to be strong and to go on living because we have people who need our love to grow. We are proud to be a circle of moms.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/12/2015

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I am so sorry for your loss!

12 Comments

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Duse1 - posted on 06/14/2015

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Thank You. and Thank you to the other ladies, I feel better myself and hear I thought enough time had gone by, my healing was complete, but just now I realized this has mended even my soul some more .. All these Stories especially your's Tonya has a healing effect on us all. HUGSS

Tonya - posted on 06/13/2015

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Thank you ladies. Any loss no matter when is a loss that is painful. I feel for your losses and believe me when I say i don't feel it is worse for me than anyone else no matter how far along you were. I pray for all of our angel babies. There aren't words for any of us truly to say but I do find comfort in knowing others have learned to live again after the pain and grief. I would never wish this experience on my worst of enemies, EVER. I miss my baby which I am sure people that haven't experienced don't understand, but she will forever be my little girl. Thank you ladies, your words bring me comfort and again my heart breaks for each of you.

Duse1 - posted on 06/12/2015

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I am so sorry.. I have had two miscarriages. I was not as far along as yourself, of course but far enough along to know they were my babies and I loved them.. I hemorrhaged and needed blood the first and actually the second as well but refused.. My first , I was put on the maternity ward,, guess there was no where for me in the INN.. which I would have rather been any where but there. I kept hearing the cries of new born babies and the loss was even greater.. I am glad I refused the second transfusion after my second miscarriage I healed so much faster and better.. I had one child to go home too after my first for which I Thanked God for over and over.. especially since he was sick with high fever once I got out of the Hospital and dehydrated, I was afraid for his survival too at first he was one year old and we had never been apart.. I know this makes little to no sense to you.. and while I realize my loss might not of seemed as bad cause I was not as far along and your precious angel was alive for four hours,, I just wanted you to know I do feel some of your pain.. and loosing a child any time is a painful hard experience.. I remember thinking.. listening to all those babies crying.. while I lost mine.. how could anyone ever not want their child.. how could anyone give one up.. but I realized I had to do just that.. that I would live, go on to have five children all healthy and full of love.. that God only knows when it is time for a child to come into the world..and I had lots to learn myself about love, life and loss.. .This will never heal totally,,but you can love the ones you have,, and move on.. remembering your little angel,, and remembering that God has her in his arms.. Or maybe just maybe she is yet to come.. In between my boys I lost a baby,, then I had my Alex a boy.. a year later.. then I lost another and had my first girl two years later.. I like to think they just came a little too early.. and God let me have them later.. Or maybe one day I will just see the two I have lost, in heaven waiting to see myself and their siblings.. either way I have accepted that.. and love the ones that God has given me. .. I also believe that my Husband who I lost to a heart attack when he was so young,, is up there right now taking care of and meeting the two we lost,, after God blessed us with Five.. all beautiful and loving.. You will feel blessed too. .. and that baby girl is there with our heavenly father.. watching and waiting.. she knows your love.. HUGSSS.. I might not of done this right.. No one can know your pain,, not even I.. and we all mourn differently.. I lost my Soul mate for life.. but loosing my child.. oh the ache that will leave behind too.. but Love pushes forward and onward.. and we have to fight to stay out of the depression that no one deserves or needs.. Take care and God bless

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