Leaving a man you love but your daughter doesnt

Lisa - posted on 07/14/2009 ( 36 moms have responded )

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I have a 15yr old daughter and have been living with my guy for 3 years now. She hates him, he hates her. She is gone for the summer to visit family and has told me that she is not coming back as long as I am with him. I love him but I dont want to betray the love and bond I have with my daughter...Its so hard. Any thoughts/help/suggestions?

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Or perhaps her bf is a jackass and her daughter sees that. There are lots of variables here. I wouldn't just assume the daughter is jealous because she's fifteen. What is it about this time in history that makes it okay with so many parents to just chuck your kids if they no longer fit into your lifestyle?

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I'm sorry, but a child comes before a man, and if he's any kind of man he'll understand that. If he actually hates her, what kind of person is he? He sounds pretty immature to me. If you must be with him, have him get his own place nearby and you two 'date' until this works out. I cannot see a grown man allowing a teenage girl to be driven from her mother and her home because they don't get along. I can't believe this is even a question. Sorry, I don't mean to belittle you, because I can imagine your dilemma, but have you taken a good, hard look at this guy and asked yourself if he's worth the loss of your daughter?

Manda - posted on 07/15/2009

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I agree with trying some kind of couselling if they are both willing. Have they stated why they hate each other? Is she resenting him because she feels she's not getting the exclusive time she used to have with you? Is it just a personality clash or are they both demanding your time? It is a difficult time being 15 and I remeber when I was that age and hating my mother's boyfriend of 3 years - I didn't trust him and I thought he was a slimeball. As it turned out (sadly for my Mum) I had good reason as he was ripping us off and stealing and lying. See if you can find out exactly what is bugging your daughter about him and see if they are both willing for your sake to give counselling a go if its just a mutual dislike. I would expect more support and compassion from your b/f if he loves you enough. My poor stepdad went through hell from me for the first couple of years purely because of the previous b/f but we are so close now and I wouldn't change him for the world.
Its not easy but I wish you the best of luck and which ever way it goes I hope it works out for you and your daughter. Big hugs

Nancy - posted on 07/15/2009

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Does your daughter have any basis whatsoever for not liking him? If she does then he's not worth it. If she honestly doesn't then some family counselling is in order. What makes me uncomfortable is when you said he hates her too. That right there tells me she should be done with him. Good luck, my heart goes out to you.

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Christina - posted on 08/15/2009

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my stepmother was verbally abusive to me and always putting me down. she was very manipulative. she never did this in front of my father. i started to stand up for myself which caused major problems. in the end, my father chose my stepmom over me (i wasn't even asking him to leave her, just stick up for me). i have not spoken to him since and he doesn't even know he has a grandson.

i agree that something is wrong if he hates her too. it's up to you. but i would never risk losing my child for anyone.

Sharon - posted on 08/15/2009

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Seriously? This is a question? Unless your daughter is a spoiled self centered brat who wants your attention only at the cost of everything else there is something wrong here.



A man who hates a child doesn't sound very mature. Get a grip on your MOTHERHOOD and be responsible kick him to the curb.

Corlissa - posted on 08/15/2009

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Never let a man come before your child!!!! If he hates her then he hates a piece of you! :o(

Koren - posted on 08/15/2009

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Have you asked your daughter why she "hates" him? Maybe she can pinpoint exactly what behaviors it is that she despises. And why does a grown man "hate" a 15 year old? I would do some further investigation but bottom line protect your children.

Kimberly - posted on 07/18/2009

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Wow,that's rough. Is there any specific reason they do not get along? I can understand why a teenage girl would not like someone her mother is dating. But the fact that you say he hates her,has me worried. If a man wants to spend the rest of his life with me,he's got to love my kids as if they were is own,and treat them well also.

Hilary - posted on 07/18/2009

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To be completely honest, and its definitely easier said then done, my opinion is that kids are more important. They are irreplaceable, men can be replaced. I was in a similar situation as your daughter. My mother chose the guy, and I will resent her for the rest of my life. I have forgiven her, but it puts a huge gap in our relationship.

Sean - posted on 07/17/2009

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what is the reason for the hate? you say she hates him, this is normal. but for him, an adult to hate her is immature. he should be the one making the effort, he was the one that came into a family so he should be working his hardest to create a friendship with your daughter. your daughter needs to understand that you deserve to have love to but you also need to understand that she may feel betrayal by you. I for onr would not want to live in a home where someone hated me. maybe your daughter and your man should go to some counseling sessions together but ultimately this is your daughter and blood is thicker than water so if he is unwilling to change his hate i would tell him to hit the road

Isobel - posted on 07/16/2009

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My mom started dating a man that I HATED when I was about 15. That being said, I don't think he liked me that much either. 19 years later, they are going strong and he may just be one of my favorite members of my family...Teenagers are difficult. They know all. Boyfriends don't know the long history of your daughter like you do. I would make an effort to find out why they hate each other sooooo much, possibly seek counseling, but in the end it comes down to the boyfriend (as the adult) to understand and wait if that's what it takes.

Mel - posted on 07/16/2009

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Quoting sarah:

my mum chose her boyfriend over me and i put myself in care because i could'nt stand him. She is with someone else now and I am settled with 2 kids of my own but our relationship is not as close as it was before all that stuff with her boyfriend. Talk to your daughter and find out why she hates him, but if you choose him you may lose your child, is he really worth that???



my mum chose her relationship over me too but i believe every situation is different it depends if the kids is just being a kid or if the bf has truly done something wrong, see my  mums partner had gone to jail and come out and she was still with him. you get past these things eventually, we just dont talk about it now and mum  and i are great, get along fantastically and seem to agree on everything which my fiance hates but at the end of the day you only get one mother. my mum is also with someone new now for the past 3 years. just depends on the reasons really

Sarah - posted on 07/16/2009

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my mum chose her boyfriend over me and i put myself in care because i could'nt stand him. She is with someone else now and I am settled with 2 kids of my own but our relationship is not as close as it was before all that stuff with her boyfriend. Talk to your daughter and find out why she hates him, but if you choose him you may lose your child, is he really worth that???

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Tough! Why do they hate each other? Maybe talk to them both and see if these are issues that can be resolved. If not your probably gonna have to choose. Im a big believer in "Blood is thincker than water" but thats me. Whatever other say about only having three years left to teach and guide your daughter - thats not true. Shes only fifteen years into her life and there are (touch wood) many more than three years in which she will need guidance and support in her life so choose carefully! Good Luck :)

Sandy - posted on 07/15/2009

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also lisa u need to ask urself why ur man hates ur daughter as hate is a very strong word to a teenager. ur man should also know that ur daughter was around before he was so he needs to fit in with her and you. its u and ur daughter ur a package together its should be just u and not ur daughter as men come and go but we have our kids for life.

Sandy - posted on 07/15/2009

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hi lisa i have a 15 yr old son and i had the same problem so i let me son go to live with my mum for a week as he didnt want to live with me as long as i stayed with my new man so i told him i will always love him and i let him go he was back home within a week. i explained to my son that he will grow up and get his own life but for the time being he may not be happy with the person i am with but they need to know that it is not fair to make us choose and at the end of the day they know we would do anything for them and they can use that against us to get want they want. my son is now ok with things and settleing in and adjusting it takes time but it can work.

Leonie - posted on 07/15/2009

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If it was a fairly new relationship I would say hang in there given your daughters age and the infancy of the relationship, however given this man has been in your and your daughters life for three years and there has been no marked improvement in the quality of the relationship then it's unlikely that things are going to improve either short or long term.

Has your partner made an effort to befriend your daughter or at the very least improve the relationship? I guess it boils down to which relationship is of the greatest priority to you. But remember partners can come and go, children are for life.

Nicole - posted on 07/15/2009

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Have you sat down and asked her why she doesn't like him? Honestly, that is a red flag to me. My daughter has to come first because she is young, innocent and needs my unconditonal love & guidance. Has he hurt her in anyway? Has she been hurt by someone? All of those questions come to mind. I'd have a serious yet respectful talk with your daughter without your boyfriend around.

Shellie - posted on 07/15/2009

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My gut says be loyal right now to your daughter. 15 is a tough age! In a few years she'll grow to a whole new understanding on life. But right now in her life she needs a mother she know will not abandon her or she could go down the wrong path looking for acceptance from everywhere else. I felt rejected by my mother for two years until we recently solved the problem and it was really hard for me even though I'm 32. Every girl needs her mother to be there no matter what. Don't let her go. And tell your boyfriend to grow up! Any adult that can't get along with a teenager is not mature! Seriously! Tell him to try harder and stop seeing her as someone older than she is. She's 15. She's just trying to figure out life and needs love and support at this time. Let her be 15. Remember how you were at that age?

Mel - posted on 07/15/2009

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depends entirely on the situation but generally if theres no basis for her hating him except her being a teenager i would say you need happiness to and do not leave him just because your daughter is being difficult. tell her if thats whts to do that is fine she can stay there and come home when she has a better attitude. i would try and get your partner to try and work things out with her if possible

Zharna - posted on 07/15/2009

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I have to say I agree with the majority on this one. My father remarried when I was about 15 even though myself and my 4 brothers and sisters hated her. I am now the only 1 out of 5 that really has anything to do with him, simply because I'm too lazy to hold a grudge lol.

It is odd that a mature male would harbour such a strong feeling of hate for a 15yo kid though - have you tried to sit down and talk to each of them about what the problem actually is?

Katherine - posted on 07/15/2009

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the answer is simple in my opinion, your child always comes first no matter what. why would you want to be with someone that hates your child, she is your flesh and blood

Collette - posted on 07/15/2009

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Completely agree with Catherine Schreiber, our children come before any man, especially at this age. To kick a child out of her home or even agree to her leaving because of the man in your life, sends the wrong message to her. I have a 15 year old daughter and my relationship with her far outweighs my love for any man. To think she would want to leave home because of who I was living with would break my heart and I would do whatever it took to keep her with me, including leaving the man in my life. Think down the track of all you could miss out on, graduation, first job, marriage, grandchildren, her own set of heartaches and being able to be there for her, conversations. Not worth swapping for anything. I really hope you make the right choice for your daughter.

Leanna - posted on 07/15/2009

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Lisa, you are the parent and at 15, your daughter does not get the say so of who she lives with. I would tell her that she is coming home, and if her attitude doesn't change, she has to come home immediately. Sit back and figure out why the relationship between your two loves isn't working. Is she spoiled and disrespectful? Does your bf go out of his way to respect and love her? Once you figured this out, you need to put your foot down to both of them and let them know your expectations out of them. If you truely love your bf then don't let him go, because before you know it your daughter will have her own love and move on, leaving you all alone. I agree with Leigh, your daughter is going thru a difficult time at 15, so in no way should she be able to call the shots. She may resent you for making her come home, but what 15 year old girl doesn't resent their parents for something or another? She'll come around one day, (we all do) and realize her behavior was wrong. While she is home there needs to be work on the relationship between your daughter and bf. A good ol fashioned sit down, so both can get their feelings out, then build it from there.

Lynda - posted on 07/15/2009

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Hey Lisa keep your head up!! Have you tried to do the fsmily outing thing or maybe even sat down with your dughter and see her view on things and perhaps explained yours to her I know it sounds corny but perhaps a weekend out with your daughter and your guy would be beneficial. I personally have never had to deal with this but I have 25 yr old twin girls and a 16 yr old girl believe me I have found that spending time talking or just being in their space works wonders. Other than to say keep your head up and go with your inner feelings not meaning get rid of you guy thats for sure but I have faith that she will come around eventually just keep goin and If your love is strong between your daughter and your guy Im sure things will work themselves out!!!! Im behind you girlfriend!!

Iris - posted on 07/15/2009

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Well , your daughter is not the boss, you are . And if you love him and u r happy, then ur daughter has to learn that mom deserves to be happy. Your daughter sounds like she is jealous because she has to share you. ANd ur bf needs to grow up as well, and those two need to learn to get along.. Ur daughter probably does not like ur bf because she cannot get away with things she use too with you when u two were alone. Let her go and she will come home..

Libby - posted on 07/15/2009

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He hates her too?? You want to be with someone who doesn't love your child? Well, if you put the relationship above the bond with your daughter there is that possibility you will not only lose the bond but lose your daughter too. Is there really a choice here??

LaCi - posted on 07/15/2009

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If it were simply a case of your daughter not liking him, I would say you have to consider your happiness.

However, it sounds as though he has given you an ultimatum, pick me or your daughter. In my opinion, that is wrong. Your child comes first. Its important to keep your needs in mind, but you can't be expected to abandon your child. Thats ridiculous. If you are still unsure of what to do, even though this guy sounds like a jerk and you should go find something better, maybe consider not living with him until your daughter is on her own. Move back into your own separate spaces and go back to just dating. Just my opinion.

Christie - posted on 07/15/2009

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She hates him...okay; He hates her? Not so good. We as adults are called to be mature. Why would a mature man hate a child? She may be 15 but she is still your child and you only have three years left to help her learn to get along with others, and to understand her role in your life and in a family. It is wrong for your boyfriend to hate your daughter - how could that be showing love toward you, anyway? If he loves you as you say, he should love your daughter and be working with you to gain her respect and trust. Perhaps the bf should move out and you all should date until he can establish the relationship. He is the role model of dad and boyfriend to your daughter; what kind of message is he sending to her - and what kind of message are you sending about your commitment to her that you allow it?

Adele - posted on 07/15/2009

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Are they both mad. You sound like a lovely woman and should not have been put in this position. A grown man and a 15 year old girl should be able to stay out of eachothers way to make life easier for you. Your daughter is being selfish as she will not live at home for ever, your b/f is being selfish as you will nothave your daughter living at home forever. You are really being tugged between the 2 of them. An earlier post said relationship/family counselling, I agree. And if either of them really feel any respect and love for you they will both try their hardest to come to a resoloution that will enable everyone to live together. For the present time though I think you should say to them that there are 7 days/nights in a week, and you will spend one day/night a week exclusively with your daughter and one exclusively with your b/f and one night with them together. I honestly think that there could be an underlying issue here between the 2 of them and all cards should be laid on the table for you all to work through.

Also what do your extended family think - where is she going to go and stay, surely your family should offer you support and not make it easy for your daughter flit from pillar to post.

THEY ARE BOTH BEING VERY VERY SELFISH

Good luck hunny, I wish one of us here had the magic answer. xx

Mishka - posted on 07/15/2009

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well she is at the stage where she cant see you with someone i think that she only wants to be alone with you.speak to her and tell her that you love this guy and you also love her but she cant make you chose between the two of them cause you also have a life to live and its not fare cause you also need someone to talk to thats your age and she needs to accept that.i think you should look into your relationship and speak to the man that you are involved with you know they always say that when you have a teenage daughter and you are a single parent you should try and see how the relationship is between them and decide wheather the person / guy that accepts her and not put a front up in front of you cause they love to do that.Your daughter she needs you more than what you think speak to her openly and hear what the real deal is.Teenagers can be very difficult and they do become jealous so try and weigh the scale and deal with this you dont want to loose either of them so try and work something out and living with a guy might not be a good thing cause at the end of the day she might want to tell you that she has a bf and she is ganna move in with him what are you ganna do then remember that she will hold what you are doing against you so becareful how you deal with things .

Vicki - posted on 07/14/2009

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Get rid of him. You stated that he hates her. Your job until she is 18 is to be her mom first.

Therese - posted on 07/14/2009

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My first question is why do they hate each other?

If your relationship with him is serious, you may need to seek family counseling. It's not fair to you for either of them to make you choose between them. If he's not going to be in your life for as long as your daughter will be, then consider that, too.

Best wishes!

Leigh - posted on 07/14/2009

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Wow Lisa, you are stuck between a rock & a hard place. If you've been living with the two people you love hating each other, what kind of a relationship do you really have with both? Your daughter is 15, so it's a difficult time for her as it is. I can only imagine that your daughter has no respect for you, for the simple fact that YOU choose to maintain a relationship with someone that hates her? My initial response is to say get rid of the b/f & build a relationship with your daughter before it's too late, but realistically I would say, let your daughter go, she has only a few short years before she would be on her own discovering the world anyway, & when she's an adult she may come back to you with a different understanding. Lisa, my mother did exactly the same thing, lived with a man that hated me & the feeling was mutual. My mother ignored it for the most part, because she ultimately wanted the man, as a result I have had little on or not contact with her since I left home. She doesn't get to have a relationship with any of her grandchildren, & is lonely but she made her choice; by choosing a man over her own blood. Good luck with YOUR decision.

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