Left alone

Maya - posted on 07/13/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hello..
I am currently 2 months pregnant. Let me start by saying that despite all the negative crap, I am irrevocably in love with my baby. OK. So, I was with my ex for about 3years. This person swore his love for me and made promises of commitment. He proposed to me in February (4months ago).We went through a lot together and our love seemed to be unconditional. I found out that I was pregnant, so the same day I told him, I was so excited! There was no doubt in my mind that we would be in this together and strong just like we always had. He seemed surprised but then we had sex... It seemed like his way of saying thank you for this blessing/gift , i love you... When really it was just goodbye. After the sex we went to eat, came home. He then began to say that I needed to have an abortion. I was angry so I stormed into the house ignoring him(we live together). I was very hurt but considered it for a bit then lashed out saying many angry things. He came back and began packing everything that was his and said he was leaving me... I practically begged this guy to reconsider. It was my lowest point, I hate that he saw me like that. I said I don't have to keep the baby if he is not ready to be a father but he stopped me and said he was leaving because he doesn't love me. I was crushed seeing as he had just told me that same day how much he loves me, how he will never leave me, promised ge wouldn't... And then tried to do JUST THAT. I was so pathetic, I scrambled my mind to get it together and outsmart this BOY and told him if he could please at least stay here at our home while I decide what to do about the baby(keep it, abortion, adoption). He agreed and is still living here. He still acts like he may want something but I just don't trust him. We are not together and he has belittled me and humiliated me telling me that the reason he doesn't love me is because I got pregnant. That he thought he loved me and that he knew what he wanted but that when he found out that he realized he did not want to be "stuck" with me forever. I feel like I'm dying. He hugs me all the time and tries kissing me and rubs my belly(although I am not showing yet)... I have decided to keep my baby but I have no support from family at all. Only his family and him and honestly it's just not enough. I'm so depressed and so confused. I am trying to be a better person and keeping the peace but it is just so hard. Should I continue this way? What advice can anyone give to someone in my shoes?? He doesn't come home sometimes now and I just do not know who this evil person is and am astonished at how I could be such a fool 😞
Why do people act out like this? This will be my first baby and I just feel so lost, rejected and alone. His family is amazing... I just feel unbelievably alone always. I am a strong person but I am human and so afraid of being a single mother. Please help.

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Monique - posted on 07/15/2015

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I can speak from my own life experiences. You have to do your best to stay strong. I know its hard. Girl. I have 5 children and even though two are grown and I am raising my younger three, ages;3 & 5 year old girls and my 10 month old boy. My boyfriend dogs the crap outta me. Through my pregnancies and to this day, telling me," he is going to sleep with every female moving." Its all too much. I have tried the, "just live here and help me raise the kids, you are the dad n I am mom, we just cannot sleep together nor have sex." It does not work, because if he doesn't want the same thing you want him staying is hurtin you more than helping you. You are vulnerable, your emotions are like a rollercoaster right now. You do not need to be down. All he is gonna do is play around in the streets and when he is tired he will try and come back and tell you he loves you and he was so wrong. I am a sucker for this, this is why I am telling you, "tryu not to fall for his bs. if he can hurt you the way he did he will continue." Set boundaries for yourself. I am speaking from experience, almost 16 years of this so called man and its like a hamster on a will. My so called boyfriend did not calm my son, kicked us all out when my son was 2 months old, 2 days after Thanksgiving when his hoe texted my phone and told me everything. My kids and I lived in a shelter. We now live in a transitional program, our own apt and everything and guess what? I allowed him back into our lives and its been, he stays around for 2 weeks im happy at least I think I am, then he will say mean things leave and I say wat u said stay help me and guess wat for wat cus he just uses me n dogs me out. like now he hates me because of a decision I made that is the right thing to do.I know I probably went off to another zone. I apologize. Honestly, I cant tell you not to be with him, that would be wrong. You love him and he hurt you and only you know how much you will take until you are really tired of him. Pray honey. Be careful, sometimes we love someone and they honestly don't love us they just say it cus they know it makes a feel good but they show something that is definitely not love. Even if he is scared, he did not have to hurt you like that. Oh and his family may be great, that's excellent, but they are his family at the end of the day. Donot be afraid to be a single mother. You will be a great mom and even though I am new to this group, I believe I speak for everyone when I say you wont ever be alone you got us, more importantly you got God. Pray girlie, God will make a way. He always does. Stop crying and putting stress on your unborn blessing. God bless you. I hope I helped a lil. LOl

Raye - posted on 07/14/2015

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I don't agree with Ledia on the "never trust anyone" viewpoint. I will say that people need to earn your trust, and you should not blindly trust. I'm sure your BF gave you all the reason in the world to trust him when things were going ok, but the second they changed, he showed his true colors. You can know a person for a long time and not really "know" them. Experiences are what really brings someone's attributes to light.

I do agree that you should be fairly self sufficient. That's not to say you have to do everything alone, but any help you get is a bonus and could go away at any moment. So try to plan for self-reliance as much as you can.

So sorry that this happened to you. But hang in there and do what you feel is right for your baby.

Ledia - posted on 07/14/2015

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Leave him. If he doesn't love you (and he doesn't) why would you bother with loving him?

You should NEVER trust another person. EVER. They just aren't trustworthy. People can and will say whatever they think you want to hear in order to get what they want from you in the moment. He can SAY he will never leave all he wants, but just because he said he wouldn't leave, doesn't mean he won't. It doesn't create some magical lock on your relationship. All you have is a statement from him which may or may not be true.

Secondly, NEVER depend on anyone else for support. You keep saying that you "only" have his family for support. That's actually a bonus! You should never take on more than you can carry all by yourself because while you might have people willing to support you right now, they might not be there or willing to offer their support in the future. There is no way to know how far their support will go, or how long it will last, so prepare to have no support, and consider any support you do have as a bonus. (I'm referring to all kinds of support here from emotional support to financial support, to simply giving you their time to watch the child or help you with errands or chores).

Raye - posted on 07/14/2015

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Maya, if he says he doesn't love you, and he doesn't want to be a father to his baby, then it's better to cut him loose. You will all three be happier that way, instead of suffering trying to hold a bad relationship together. Once the baby is born, go to court and get custody for yourself, visitation for him (he may not want to have anything to do with the child, but you should have a visitation plan in place in case he changes his mind later; you will have it already taken care of), and get child support set up.

Fact is, he had a picture in his brain of a specific kind of future (one without kids), and that has changed. He reacted badly, I'll say that, but both of your lives now will be different. I'm sure he didn't instantly stop loving you, and that's why he still tries to show affection, however, he realized that he can't have his fantasy future by staying with you and the child and that's more important to him at the moment than being a responsible adult. Maybe he'll come around, maybe not. But he's kind of shown his true colors by wanting out of the relationship and out of his responsibilities. So you need to move on and try to have a happy life with your child, and eventually you may find someone who will step up to be a father to your child.

I wish you good luck. It's not going to be easy, but I'm sure you can be strong and do what's best for yourself and your child.

Celia - posted on 07/13/2015

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First of all my story kind of relates to that. I had an ex boyfriend who got me pregnant and he was being so immature about it saying that he wasn't the father and blah blah blah. So i told him that if he didn't step up being a father that i was going to put him on child support regardless of what the situation was. well a couple weeks later i started bleeding and I ended up having a miscarriage (which was sad) but couldn't do anything about it. It ended up happening for a reason and only god knows why. but anyways I'm very sorry that your boyfriend/fiance is not supportive of your pregnancy and its common in this world. I mean we are humans and we make mistakes but the decision to keep the baby is yours and believe me people in this world judge for any little remark, but in reality they really don't know what the situation is. I believe you should talk to his family and they aren't supportive I hope you have your family who can help you out. If it doesn't work out then all what I can say is get him on child support. Let me know how it goes. And if you need anybody to talk to I'll be here. Keep me updated and hope this works out.

Celia

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Maya - posted on 07/13/2015

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I'm sorry to hear that. His family is very supportive but mine is not.. I just wish things were different.

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