Left with a two-month old and looking for acceptance.

Kathleen - posted on 09/22/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend of only three months and I found out I was pregnant. He wanted an abortion, I didn't. We both knew that we wanted different things but we were reckless anyway. I told him I was keeping the baby and it was up to him if he wanted to stay. He decided to stay and moved in with me and my roommate. He started talking about us being together forever, while also getting more and more freaked out about not being ready. Our relationship had a lot of lows but also some good times and we were both trying really hard. At about 7 months we got our own place and things started to feel different- like we weren't a team anymore. He started freaking out more often and lashing out in the form of verbal attacks and attempted to cheat on me. But, when our son was born everything was magical. We had a beautiful birth and beautiful time at the hospital.
The first few weeks after his birth were good. Then he started freaking out more and more and worked himself into this mental rabbit hole. I went to the beach with his family and when I came back he said he wanted to break up. He wanted to live together platonically and raise our son together. It wasn't about other women, he only had energy for his son and job. That actually seemed to work for a week. Then I found out he'd been sexting with woman from Tindr. I told him I'd had enough and kicked him out. Things got ugly, he said really nasty things to me- I wish you were dead & I'd piss on your grave, we should have aborted our son, etc. He showed up a total of 30 hours in six weeks to visit his son- 3% of his time when he only works three days a week. I still tried to be kind and understanding and encourage him to be part of his sons life.
Then, a week ago, he started seeing someone he met online and I have lost it. I am so upset about the way he treated me. I am so upset that some other woman thinks it's ok to leave a woman with a two month old baby. I am so upset that his friends and family think he's not a terrible person. I can't believe all of it meant so little to him that he has already moved on. I have started to act the way he was- constant attacking texts, holding him accountable for my anger. This is not me. I want us to work together to raise our son. I know our relationship was tenuous and that we are better apart. I know that he's not a horrible person. But right now I hate him so much, I hate everyone who likes him and I don't ever want him to influence our son. And, on top of everything, now that he has this new person, he is perfectly in control and ready to be there for his son. To some extent. He's still not ready to be a dad. But he wants to do what he can until he is ready. Then he wants 50/50 custody. He doesn't recall ever being awful to me or absent from his son. He doesn't understand why I am upset and why I can't just move on. He doesn't understand why I'm not ok missing 50% of my child's life whenever he's "ready."

Help! I want to move on. I want to work with him. I want what is best for our son. But I am so hurt and angry. And part of me still loves him and I can't get over him when I have to constantly seem him.

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Kathleen - posted on 09/23/2015

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He was definitely suffering some serious depression. He started seeing someone a week before our sons birth. I encouraged him to from the beginning and wish he would have so he could have prevented some of this outfall, but he does finally seem to be improving. I am also seeing a counselor. I am just really having a hard time moving past the idea of us being a traditional family. I know that it's better to raise a child separately in a healthy environment but I never thought we'd have to split custody. I never thought my ex would turn out to be the person he did and I question what example he'll be setting for our son. I want what's best for our son, and I know that means having both parents in his life. It's just a lot to adjust to and wrap my head around. It's hard to accept that I am a single, full-time mother while he runs around dating and partying and doing whatever he wants until he feels "ready" to be a dad. It's hard to accept that he thinks all this is ok because he didn't want to be a dad to begin with.

Jodi - posted on 09/22/2015

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It sounds like you could both use some counselling. To be honest, what you described about his behaviour over this time indicates he may have been suffering some level of anxiety or depression. That does not excuse his behaviour but possibly explains it. He probably could have used some counselling support during that time but didn't realise it. It also sounds like the two of you really weren't great for each other from the beginning, and possibly he felt really trapped (I'm not saying you trapped him) which would be a pretty normal way for him to feel at that stage.

Now, clearly you are angry at him and need to find a way to get past that, so counselling could be helpful to you. It is great that he is wanting to be involved. You need to take a step back and consider what is best for the child, not what you are ready for or not ready for, or what you are ok with or not ok with. If both parents are positives in the child's life, then spending 50% with each parent is generally what is best for the child.

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