Let my newborn baby live with his father

Laura - posted on 10/29/2013 ( 28 moms have responded )

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I don't feel like I am ready for motherhood at the moment so my baby's father and his live in girlfriend agreed to take on the responsibility of raising him. Is it against the law for me to do that?

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Ev - posted on 10/29/2013

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I think this is crazy. I am also not sure how legal it is to just have some noterize an agreement like that anyway. You need to take it to court and get it set up and you need to get another job and help make sure this child has diapers, food, clothes and other expenses paid for. Half of daycare is not enough.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/29/2013

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Laura, all I can say is ditto Evelyn's post, with some emphasis.

PLEASE READ (and I mean FULLY read) the comments.

and to emphasize this: "The thing with having this done through the courts is two fold. One is that it will protect the child and second it will protect the parents. Setting custody lays out who has the primary custody in both physical custody and decision making of the said child. It also sets up child support so that the child is receiving the money necessary according to the court and state you are in to take care of the child's needs. It also sets up visitation which gives you the chance to visit with your child and even have some over night or weekend time as well as any holidays. The protection is in the whole thing: It keeps father from going nuts on you and holds you responsible for your end of things. This way if there is a problem you can revert to the court orders for all these things and say that unless its on the papers that came from court he is going to have to take you to court to get things changed or you will have to take him to court to do the same. It holds the parents accountable. "

Maybe if it's posted enough, you'll understand.

If you DO NOT have an agreement in place, no matter whether he swears he won't pursue support or not, all he has to do is say you're not complying with the terms you agreed to, so he needs court ordered support, and while he's at it, he can say you've demonstrated that you are a physical danger to the child, and ask for restricted or supervised visits...He can go off the other side at any time, because there are not court orders. And it would be on you to prove that you are fit, that you are paying, etc. Wouldn't it be better to have it laid out so that there is no misunderstanding? Most judges will take personal circumstances into account, and make arrangements so that your support will not be more than you can afford.

However, if you're living in questionable circumstances, with less than stellar people, that gives dad another bit of ammo to use against you, should he change his mind about the support thing, so I'd suggest that you get that 2nd job, and get into a better living situation. There is assistance out there for those who fall within the income guidelines.

Ev - posted on 10/29/2013

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Laura,

You are not listening or should I say reading between the lines of the posts these ladies have made. So maybe I can be clear here:

You had sex with the father and a baby was created.

You gave birth to this child but were not ready to be a mother yet. That is fine.

You are letting the father raise this child. That is fine.

You do not want to pay child support and the father is willing to sign a noterized statement saying that you do not need to pay child support. WRONG ANSWER.

You are just as responsible for this child as he is. IF he is going to be caring for the baby with his girlfriend, then you need to pay support. You need to make sure your child, though you do not want to raise this baby, has all the basic needs met, all medical/dentist/vision care taken care of, and other costs that are incurred when a child is brought into the world and this includes the out of ordinary costs such as surgeries that you do not plan on having to deal with.

The thing with having this done through the courts is two fold. One is that it will protect the child and second it will protect the parents. Setting custody lays out who has the primary custody in both physical custody and decision making of the said child. It also sets up child support so that the child is receiving the money necessary according to the court and state you are in to take care of the child's needs. It also sets up visitation which gives you the chance to visit with your child and even have some over night or weekend time as well as any holidays. The protection is in the whole thing: It keeps father from going nuts on you and holds you responsible for your end of things. This way if there is a problem you can revert to the court orders for all these things and say that unless its on the papers that came from court he is going to have to take you to court to get things changed or you will have to take him to court to do the same. It holds the parents accountable.

I have to agree with the other ladies here that have hated to sound harsh but it is reality. If you did not want a baby, you should have done something to prevent it. This child did not ask to be born and will now have to suffer because of those choices. You really need to think this through.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/29/2013

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the living arrangements are not the problem, Laura. You not providing 1/2 of your child's expenses is. If you're not "financially ready" to do that, then may I suggest getting a second job?

I'm sorry to sound like a bitchy mom, but if you weren't "financially ready", why did you have sex?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/29/2013

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No, but I'd recommend that you get court orders in place concerning custody and visitation, as well as support orders. If his father is raising him, you need to pay 1/2 for his costs and expenses for the child.

If you have court orders in place, he can't gripe about what you pay (as long as you do pay), and he can't claim that you abandoned the child.

28 Comments

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Enna - posted on 10/31/2013

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Laura, I understand what you're going through, and I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing. The thing is that that notarized paper is not going to protect your rights. The baby's father is agreeing to this now, but if he changes his mind then you're going to have problems. I understand not having the money to go to court, but if you don't you may seriously regret it later.
It is not against the law for you to let the baby live with his father. If you give up your rights to the baby, then you would no longer be responsible for him, but you do not have any right to see him or contact him anymore. Otherwise you have to help pay to support him. If you do not you can be sued for child support. If you don't provide support and you don't visit him, then you can go to jail for abandonment. The exact laws depend on where you live.

Julie A - posted on 10/30/2013

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Krystal is so right. You are missing out. Put on your big girl panties and take responsibility of your baby boy. Just because you feel you're not "ready to be a mom" doesn't mean you can't be a good one. He needs you and it will affect the rest of his life in all the wrong ways. Pray about it, and I will pray to for all those unwanted babies. :(

Danicia - posted on 10/30/2013

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expect to be in the courtroom at least once in this child's life. it is a 90%+ chance you will be brought to court whether or not you have a paper saying that you guys are completely cool with the arrangement. I recommend you get your life into the condition you would want it to be for when you do decide to take the role of mom, especially if you think that you are having every other weekend custody with your son as is. raising kids can bring out the best and worst in parents, if the parents aren't working as a team, it's pretty likely that blame and resentment is likely to happen and with the situation you are describing, your ass is potentially right in the line of fire.

Rhonda Rae - posted on 10/29/2013

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Laura Jackson, I am not agree with you about let newbaby stay with their father no way . why did you get preg then you should be responbility of baby.

Krystal Nicole - posted on 10/29/2013

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It hurts to read this post. God created a little child inside of you , and no it's not right in gods eyes why else would he create a human being inside of you . If he didn't want it to happen then it wouldn't of. Think very long and hard there is nothing like a mother to a child , be in your child's life . Children are such a blessing. My baby wasn't planned and everyone wanted me to get a abortion but I didn't . And now they are looking at themselves as idiots because having a child is such a blessing . This may be the very thing you need . They need love and to be secure that both parents love them . Mother is the most important person specially newborn they soley look upon you . Please think about this before you just give him or her up , think about the effects on your child

Ev - posted on 10/29/2013

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I also give here too, Shawnn, as you said this is falling on ears that lets it seem to go in one side and out the other or she just does not really understand what she is facing. So many think they know what they are doing when they obviously do not and trust the other person to hold up the end of a bargain, yes I said bargain, and will not do anything in court. Some have to learn this the hard way.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/29/2013

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I give, Evelyn, she doesn't WANT to understand that we're encouraging a court agreement for HER PROTECTION.

Amanda - posted on 10/29/2013

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I agree with Evelyn and Shawnn. Family court is a safeguard for all parties involved.

And in my understanding, a notarized letter stating that there is no intent of pursuing legal action will not be valid. Relinquishing your rights is a big process, one that can't be simply summed up in a piece of paper. And if you're worried about legal fees, I'm sure there's Legal Aid for those who meet criteria.

But it seems as if the advice being given is falling on deaf ears.

If you plan on going the route which you mentioned, I wish you good luck and I hope that a notarized letter is simply enough.

Laura - posted on 10/29/2013

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I'm going to pay half of childcare and see him every other weekend. We are doing this agreement for a year

Laura - posted on 10/29/2013

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so in other words what you are saying I need to go to Family Court so that my baby's father Can sue me. we are doing a notarized letter so that he would not sue me so that I can get up on my feet.

Laura - posted on 10/29/2013

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I know I'm doing what is best for my child I'm not letting him live with strangers I'm sending him live with his father. Which I know will make sure that he has everything he needs. and I hate to tell you I got pregnant while using protection so protection is not a 100% guaranteed.I'm not saying he was mistake. Just for his father to take care of him at this time and I know in God's eyes I am doing what is best for my child. sometimes people can't help the living arrangements if that is all that they can afford right now I'm trying to get my life back on track.

Amanda - posted on 10/29/2013

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In my experience, as limited as it may be, you can't just simply sign a piece of paper saying "thanks for taking the baby, I appreciate it". Signing over your parental rights is a BIG deal! A very big deal, one that shouldn't be taken as lightly as a "notarized letter." Family court also needs to be involved for other reasons. Child support, visitation, medical expenses etc.

I really wish you would reconsider giving up your rights.

Amanda - posted on 10/29/2013

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I don't want to seem negative, but if you weren't ready, why take the risk by having sex unprotected? I wasn't "ready" when I had my son at 19, but if I was ready enough to make the decision to have sex, then I was ready enough to have a baby.

You should definitely remove yourself from living with people who aren't a good example whether your baby is around or not.

This is really a situation that should be resolved in family court.

A - posted on 10/29/2013

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I have to agree with Shawnn, my husband and I have one child and although we may want another we are not financially ready so we are using birth control- I also work 2 jobs, 7 days a week and my husband 2 jobs 6 days a week- lucky duck has a day off! lol

Laura - posted on 10/29/2013

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I'm not financially ready. I don't even have my own place I live with other people who isn't a good example to have my child around. But this is all I can afford. So I feel that I'm doing what's best for him.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/29/2013

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Ok, "helping with daycare". Great. How about food? Diapers? Clothing? Bedding?

You may not be "ready for motherhood", but the fact is you created a child. The child's father is raising it. If the situation were reversed, you'd be bitching because he's not paying enough, and yet it's ok for you not to pay your half because you "don't feel ready" for a baby?

And yes, I'm being harsh. You've pretty much stated that you gave birth, gave the kid to his father to raise (really no big deal, its great that he's ready to be a dad), and "help" with daycare, but nothing else? Sorry, honey, but if I was Daddy, and I was raising a newborn because the woman who I slept with didn't feel "ready", I'd be pursuing support with court orders.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/29/2013

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You'd be better off to ask a family attorney.

I would think that if you both agree to terms and sign in front of a notary and witnesses, it would possibly be ok, but without being an attorney, I don't know for sure.

and, I do have to ask, if he's not going to push the support issue, what ARE you planning on paying in support? The child's expenses (physical: food/shelter/clothing, medical, dental, vision, & any outside caregivers) should be split 50/50. If you are not planning on doing that, no offense, but he should push the support issue.

Laura - posted on 10/29/2013

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Well we was getting a letter notarized saying I'm not going to be sued by him for child support. Will the notarized letter hold up in the court. Can't I get him to do one for visitations also without getting a lawyer involved?

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