Letting Go of Hate

Courtney - posted on 04/06/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )




I have been with my husband for 14 years. We were married for 9. I am in the process of divorcing him. When I first met him he had just finished chiropractic school and had no job and no place to live. He moved in with me after 2 weeks. I had a full time job and an apartment. Within a couple months he started making me choose between him and my friends. He was also very jealous of my dog. She knew he was evil and growled and tried to bite him on several occasions. For 4 1/2 years I paid all the bills while he built his practice. He had his friends over all the time and treated my home as a flop house. Not to mention every weekend he would go out with his buddies for an entire weekend and come home expecting sex. He constantly called me stupid and retard and accused me of having an affair. I stupidly married him. After a few years I became more financially independent and thought about leaving. I then got pregnant and he begged me to stay. After my daughter was born he told me if I didn't give up sex more he was gone. When my daughter turned 1 he had an affair and was leaving but never left. I gave him a chance. Then more suspicious behavior reared it's ugly head for the years to follow with his business partner and he denied it. He then had another affair 2 years ago with an old schoolmate who was married with 3 kids and I told him to get out. His mistress intercepted my messages to her husband and kept it a secret. He was devastated and depressed and asked me to take him back. I said no. He kept begging and I tried to give him a chance but unbeknownst to me he was still seeing this woman. After using me for a year to stay in the house he secretly got an apartment and moved out. She left her husband. She dumped him after a couple weeks and he begged me to take him back. He started spending time at my home and seemed to be trying. I then started getting harassing emails and texts from his mistress and later found out she hacked my FB. His mood started changing and I knew something was up. He used me as bait to get her back. He then lied to my daughter about her name so I would think it was someone else. I legally separated from him in September. I found out in January he was with her and my daughter was keeping it a secret from me. I filed for divorce 3 weeks ago. He was using me to stay on my health plan and thought I would file my taxes with him to get the benefit of my refund because he is self employed. To spite me he brought his mistress to my home yesterday during drop off knowing how much I hate her. I lost it and called her a whore repeatedly. I am so angry and having trouble letting go of the hate. I don't love him and find him repulsive. He was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. What I hate is that woman around my child. Help me let go of the hate. How long does this healing process take?


Ariana - posted on 04/06/2014




Unfortunately only you have control over your emotions, it is something you have to just let go of. You can't control the actions of others.

Plus as much as you may be angry at her your anger is directed towards the wrong person. The truth is this woman owes you nothing. It was your ex who has mistreated you, you trusted him and he was supposed to be faithful to you and he went off with some woman. Should she have acted like that? No, of course not. But it absolutely had nothing to do with you. He's the one who betrayed your trust.

Unfortunately your anger is only hurting you. You can be enraged at your ex and this woman as much as you want but that isn't going to effect them, just you. The sweetest revenge is living a good life. It's corny and so much harder to achieve than say but it's really the truth.

Is it possible to speak with a councilor about the situation? Having someone private that you can vent your frustrations to can be a great way to start the healing process. They will also most likely be able to give you tools to move forward with your life as well as learn how to deal with these difficult people. There's really to much baggage within the relationship to hear a quick fix.

It's awful that these things happen and at least now you are now away from him and can move forward with your life. He's going to have to live with himself forever and deal with his own issues. I hope some of that is helpful!

Also maybe try to get the drop offs in a better spot or without having to have contact with him at all? Are your children old enough to go from the car to home or vice versa for those times? It's probably better than having you lose it in front of them and start yelling etc.

Oh and one more thing don't speak negatively about the dad or mistress in front of your daughter even if he's acting like a crazy person. She doesn't need to get caught up in between anything. Not saying you are or do just a piece of advice that I always find useful.

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