Letting my son live full time with his father

Misty - posted on 10/02/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )




I share 50/50 custody with my ex husband. Our oldest son is a little over 12yrs old now, and has decided he wants to live full time with his dad and says he'll still get to see me whenever I/he wants... My ex has now said BOTH boys want to live with him (the youngest is 7 almost 8) and that if I don't willingly let them he'll take me to court for full custody and have me pay child support. I don't want any of this-- I'm not a bad parent, and my husband of almost 3 yrs is not a bad step dad. There is no REAL reason other than he wants to live with his dad that this should be happening... I have read several posts on here of parents willingly 'giving up' their kids to the other parent. I don't understand that. I don't want my son unhappy, but I don't want to 'give up' my son either. OR both of them. Advice? I think the court should decide this, however, I don't want to go that route, but I will have to to get this resolved.

I deft. don't think my youngest son should be over with him full time. Their new step mom doesn't even GET to see her own children. Her ex husband KEEPS THEM from her. Does this sound like I should just allow my kids to live full time with their dad? I just want a normal schedule not something off his work schedule and my kids 50% of the time like we're supposed to have. But I also don't want my son to hate me now or later for not respecting his feelings with this 'wish'.


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Dove - posted on 10/02/2012




If he wants to take you to court.... let him. No judge is going to grant him full custody unless he has some really big, recent 'dirt' on you (like drugs, neglect, abuse, or other illegal activity). 50/50 custody is 'typically' in the best interest of kids and that is what a judge is also 'typically' after.

Perhaps there is a way your oldest can spend more time with his father right now without actually living there full time.

I would let your ex know that if he continues to bad mouth you to them by saying things like what he said.... YOU will take it to court and he may get less access. Judges don't like it when a parent uses emotional manipulation on their kids.

Misty - posted on 10/02/2012




Thank you for your response. I have talked to my son. I have heard and truly listened to his concerns and reasons. I don't want to say they weren't REAL reasons, bec to him who is 12, they are REAL. And I understand that. We've discussed them and I told him everything I was going to work on and try differently.

His dad then pulled a 'having breakfast before school' and told our boys he was sorry for MAKING THEM HAVE TO GO WITH ME. Their mother. who shares JOINT 50/50 custody, mind you joint as in no child support is exchanged, and not one parent is greater than the other.

As painful as this all is, I cannot fathom 'giving up' and not fighting for my 50% I do get...I want to raise my boys. I want to be in their life like a mother should be.

I sure don't want him to hate me later for not allowing him to move with his dad full time. But in that same breath, hate me for 'giving up'.... ohhh so confused. Sure don't want to take this through the court system. But it looks headed that direction. I can't see nor can any of the 3 lawyers I called see a reason a judge would allow him to gain full custody.

Ariana - posted on 10/02/2012




I would sit down with your oldest son and have a frank discussion with him about this. Ask him why it is he wants to move there? Listen to what he has to say and try to see things from his perspective. Try to sort through what is reasonable and unreasonable but do not say 'oh that's silly' or w/e if he tells you how he feels. If there are legitimate problems or things that can be worked out work them out, if there is something you can' change explain that to him.

I would also explain to him how you feel about this and that you love him and aren't willing to just allow him to go away full-time. You could also explain that as you are involved in joint custody you feel this is a fair way for him to split his time between you too. You could also try to do a two weeks at one spot two weeks at the other instead of every other week if he's looking for slightly more consistancy.

If you can't work things out you may want to speak with a family councellor to help work things out. I would also CALMLY tell the father that you understand he loves the boys and wants them full-time but that you are their mother and think the 50/50 custody is the fairest way to do it. You love them and want to see them as much as he does.

I would NOT simply allow your children to go live with their father, at least not without looking into this deeply. I would also get a lawyer who can tell you the chances of the children going with their father if he went for full custody.

Talk to your son and find a family councellor who can see if there are any issues you can work out.

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