Life after accreta...I'm not handling it well.

Michelle - posted on 01/07/2015 ( no moms have responded yet )




I'm doing this at the advise of my doctor because I am just...not coping.
I had my daughter on October 8, 2014. She's my second child, fourth pregnancy. The first two ended in early losses. I'd never had a d&c, I had no risk factors for accreta.
My pregnancy was perfection, my labor and delivery were textbook. I started timing contractions at 7pm and delivered at 4:04am, no epi, four pushes. 6lbs 7oz of pure bliss. She was perfect.
My doctor stitched me up from a small tear. She said multiple times that my placenta was trying to deliver, but it just wouldn't. She told me she wanted to try to manually remove it. I was so wrapped up in the baby I didn't care what she did to me.
The pain was UNREAL. I don't know how many of you went through a manual removal, but I would not wish it on anybody.
She tried three times and I begged her to just send me to surgery. She finally decided to call in the OB on call (I was delivered by a GP, she can't do surgery) and told me I would probably go to surgery in a couple hours.
Then I started bleeding. And bleeding. And bleeding. They got it to stop and things settled down, but then it started again.
They ended up calling the OB again, rushing me to the OR and doing and emergency d&c. I was transfused three units and came out of surgery in "guarded" condition. I was in PACU for four more hours, I spent over six hours away from my baby.
I had no idea how bad it was until one of the other doctors from my practice came to round on me (I work in the practice with my doctor) and very bluntly told me that I had tried to die.
I hemorrhaged, after surgery my heart rate was 170-180 for hours, I went into acute kidney failure. My hemoglobin was 6ish after the three units of blood. It was 5.9 on discharge (should be at least twelve)
I don't understand why I'm having such a hard time dealing with it. I'm fine, the baby is fine.
I'm very upset that I never produced milk due to the blood loss and I couldn't breast feed. I hate seeing pictures that my mom and husband took while I was in surgery, I hate it. I should have been there and I wasn't. I get very angry.
I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about it. The whole thing is on a loop on repeat in my head all day every day and I just don't understand WHY!
Why can't I just let it go and stop thinking about it? There is no point. She's fine, I'm fine. There is nothing I could have done differently.
How do you cope with it?

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